but this is mortifying

RUSH  – Chapter One


Warnings: smut, language

A/N: This will have only two chapters and I will publish chapter 2 on sunday. Just the old and good (good? you tell me) smut. Feel fre to comment, your feedback is very important! 

   The handsome viking was teasing you all night. His eyes were glued to you, his rosy tongue often wandering over his bottom lip. The truth is that at the minute you saw him your panties were soaked but you tried to keep your shit together. Your people hates vikings more than anything in the world and Lord Dunward would kill you if imagine how aroused you were because of that one. They were too worried about other things to notice his glances to you. 
        This sunny morning you bathed on the banks of the Thames river, the cool water feeling so good on your bare skin and your hair. You were getting out off the water when you saw him sitting so close to you that you could touch him. You were so startled that felt like your heart was about to stop, the terror freezing your veins. How didn’t you noticed him? Since when was he watching? You opened your mouth to scream but he was faster. He gripped your wrist and pulled you down, covering your mouth with his free hand. You heard male voices speaking a foreign language somewere in the woods and you nodded. You realized he didn’t want to draw the other men’s attention more than you did. He let go your mouth and you breathed heavily, trying to calm down your thoughts. Then you remembered you were completely naked. 
        You were kneeling in front of him, your wrist still trapped in his grip. His eyes lingered first at yours and silently you observed him. He could be a nightmare but looked like a glorious angel. The bright blue eyes left yours toward your mouth and he licked his lips. His glance traveled lazyly down your neck and lingered on your breasts. You were frightened but that man was digging up other feelings… Your eyes scanned his braided thick hair and his leather armor with a different curiosity. Suddenly he leaned forward and sucked at your left nipple, then moved back. You jumped and whined and a sinister grin danced on his lips before he bared his teeth. 
        The hand that was gripping your wrist flew to your neck and he lightly squeezed it before pushing you. You fell in your elbows and your legs opened a little when you tried to recover your balance. You were ready to scream but you remembered the other vikings would hear and bit hard your botton lip. The man laughed and leaned his face very close to your pussy. You tried to close your legs and he put one hand on your knee, scolding you with his eyes, but his lips were still smiling. His eyes were dark, the blue was a thin ring around the dilated pupils. With his index finger he traced a line from your clit to your ass and back to your clit. You widened your eyes feeling how soaking you were. He grunted and you thought you would die when his lips found your sensitive skin. His lips moved avidly, sucking and licking your pussy like if he was making out with your folds. You gasped, you were mortified with fear but also obscenely aroused. 
        You heard louder laughs in the woods and you both paralyzed. They were close. The viking released your knee and whispered “run” with a strange accent. You caught your dress and ran still naked, forgetting your shoes. From afar you looked back and saw two huge men joining to your mysterious viking. 
        Your head was spinning when you arrived at the castle. The other servants could read in your face something was wrong and you told them you saw vikings near the Thames but nothing more. Of course they panicked and soon you were called by Lord Dunward, who was like a father for you, to tell what you saw. A shadow grew on his face. Fear. The whole village heard what happened to King Aella and King Ecbert. Some vikings could speak a weak english, but enough, and two of the leaders were unarmed and accepted as guests. Talk was everything Lord Dunward could do and he would offer anything for the sake of his people. 
        The he kitchen was full of whispers about the two strangers and the air was heavy with fear. When you left toward the hall you arms were trembling and you almost spilled all the wine on the floor. You were so nervous! You never imagined that you would have to serve wine to killers someday. Arriving in the hall you almost fell off your legs… He was there. Immediately your pants were soaked and your heart raced in your throat. Would he tell someone? Would he try something in front of everyone? 
        - W-wine? - of course your voice was trembling too.
        - Yes. - he said, not looking at you. 
You put some wine on his glass but you were trembling so much that you spilled at the table too. He recoiled his arm and looked towards you, frowning. 
        - Oh please, I’m sorry! - you whined and then you could tell the exact second he remembered you.
        He widened his eyes and measured you, the corner of his lips curving in a half smile. Your spine froze and mumbling one last “I’m sorry” you rushed toward the kitchen. The whole dinner was like that. His eyes lingering on you as if you were the main course and his hands discreetly wandering around your thighs every time you approached to serve him. At the end of the night you leaned near him to collect the dishes and he quickly pulled your hand at his pants. Through the light fabric you felt his shaft twitch and he released your hand. It took only two seconds but your eyes instinctively scanned the room. No one noticed what happened. 
        - Come to my room tonight. - he whispered.
        You felt like if your face was on fire and quickly disappeared through the door. Heart pounding on your ears, legs failing. Was it fear? Arousal? Both? 

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There was a little girl in church, about 5, and her parents obviously let her get dressed herself that day because she came waddling in with the puffiest coat on in the summer in North Carolina. She comes and sits in the pew in front of us. 15 minutes into mass she turns around and hands my husand an orange. Her parents are mortified.

“Savannah not again!” They scold! (Again kills me)

They appologize and she turns back around. A few moments later she goes to hand me an orange but her parents grab it from her before she can.

Savannah is determined. She reaches her tiny fists into her puffy coat and pulls out two more ornages. She begins to distribute them. Her parents are now beat red and in shock. There is no stopping small Savannah now.

This small child proceeds to laugh a laugh I can only call maniacal (in a Catholic church) unzip the inner line of her coat and releases what had to have been 20-30 of those little kid oranges into the pews.

WE EAT Savannah yells cackeling

The priest can no longer contain his glee

The entire church is dying with laughter

She felt like Jesus on the moutian with the baskets of fish that day I’m sure.

Children are amazing.


this and every other video on this hellish instagram page is the exact fucking opposite of a lifehack and the idea of someone on this earth doing this outside of the one time it was filmed is completely mortifying to me

anonymous asked:

Allura and Keith have a day outing and lance and shiro are texting each other about it and showing how badly they are pining


(also lance and shiro started texting each other on a daily basis to theorize about keith and allura’s shenanigans after this)

(hilariously enough, the whole reason keith and allura are hanging out so much is so they can talk about lance and shiro lmfao)

My best friend and I were holding hands while shopping with my family today and my mum was like “Girls, can you link arms instead? You’re getting funny looks, people are going to think you’re lesbians” so I got the ring off my index finger and proposed to her in the middle of the street


jack ———– H E L P !!!

in case anyone wants to know what lin is up to these days here is a fun fact that i forgot to share with you the other week: not only is he doing an english accent for mary poppins, hes going like ALL OUT with his accent training and even does it when hes not in character, like apparently he shows up at family gatherings with an english accent and weirds people out

The Zodiac Signs When Their Stomachs Grumble Loudly in a Public Place

Is mortified, hopes that no one noticed: Aries, Taurus, Cancer, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Capricorn, Aquarius

Laughs it off and maybe apologizes, but doesn’t really care: Gemini, Leo, Sagittarius, Pisces


Your heart was pounding profusely, as you held your gaze on the screen. 

 It only took a few minutes before you got a response, and once you did, you were beyond mortified. Frantically, you went back to your Instagram and found the comment Bonnie left on your picture. She had given you her number, but you accidentally mixed up the last two numbers. 

 Which brought you here. 

 Looking at the cute little selfie you received, you couldn’t believe your eyes. Not only did you text the wrong number, but you texted Jensen freaking Ackles. The actor you had crushed on for years. 

 You texted back the emoji, not knowing what to say. And as the seconds passed, it didn’t take long for you to get another reply. 

‘Isn’t it a little late for a bath? I mean, shouldn’t you be in bed? Lol.' 

 You let out a breath you didn’t realize you were holding. This was so surreal.

 How did you manage to text your celebrity crush, was beyond anything you could imagine. 

 For a moment, you thought you should just apologize and then throw your phone and pretend it never happened, but then you decided to continue the conversation with him. I mean, it’s not everyday you get to talk to Jensen. 

 'It’s never too late for a bubble bath, especially when there’s wine. But what about you? Why aren’t you in bed?' 

 Suddenly, you felt a little flirtatious. Maybe it was the alcohol. Whatever it was, you didn’t seem to mind. 

 Taking a sip of your wine, you waited for his response. Thinking of a million things all at once. You had to pinch yourself to see if you were dreaming.

 'Alcohol makes everything better. 😉 I can’t sleep. My name is Jensen by the way.' 

 'I’m Y/N.' 

 And just like that, you two were texting back and forth for what seemed like forever. 

 You talked about work and movies and basically everything you could think of. You also talked about your job and the fact that you were a fan of his show. Even when you were done with the bath and now snuggled up in bed.

 Somehow, you were both feeling something between you two. Feeling a pull that made you want to keep the conversation going even though you two had only talked this one time. Like two close friends catching up. 

 But then you saw the time, and suddenly were brought back to reality. You couldn’t believe you were texting him for three hours straight! 

 'Damn, it’s super late!’ You texted Jensen. 

 'Didn’t know we were talking for that long. Lol. Guess that happens when you’re having fun. 😉' 

 You felt your stomach flutter. Giving you a warm sensation throughout your body. 

 'Well, I better get some sleep. Have another long day tomorrow.' 

 Once you sent that text, you were a bit bummed. Not wanting it to end, but you were fighting your eyes to stay open. 

 'Hey…there’s something I want to ask you before you go.’ He replied. 

 You were a bit hesitant, but curious. 

 'What’s up?' 

 Those three dots appeared on the screen, making you hold your breath with anticipation. 

 'Can you send a selfie? Want to put a face to the legs. Lol' 

 And just like that, you felt nervous. Nauseas even. You were always insecure, but having Jensen ask for a picture, especially without makeup, you were scared. Scared of what he might think. Or say. 

 'Please?’ You received another text. 

 You let out a sigh, and caved. Holding the blanket close to you, you snapped a quick selfie. The flash from your phone, made your eyes glossy. You were laying on your side, with your hair laid across your pillow and a soft smile that seemed shy yet inviting. 

But you sent the picture before you could even talk yourself out of it. 

 Three dots on the screen, came and gone. 

Suddenly you panicked. Maybe he didn’t like the picture? Or maybe he didn’t think you were pretty? Whatever it was, you were now regretting ever sending him the picture. Wishing you never even sent the first text to begin with. 

 You locked your phone and closed your eyes, wincing at the thoughts of what you imagined was going through his head. Until your phone vibrated. 

 'Fuck, you’re beautiful.' 

 Your lips curved into a cheeky grin, and a squeal escaped from you. Though you wanted to keep talking, you also wanted to play it cool. 

 'Well I enjoyed our conversation. It was fun.' 

 'Me too. I haven’t had that much fun talking to anyone in a long time. So thank you.' 

 'Good night, Jensen.' 

 'Good night, sweet heart. Hopefully next time we will talk on the phone instead of this texting crap. I hate texting. lol.' 

 Your smile felt like it curved even more. But you were sure it wasn’t even possible. Jensen Ackles wanted to talk to you again. But this time, you would hear his deep, rough voice. It made your stomach flutter from just the thought.

 'Lol, maybe. If you’re lucky 😉 now go to sleep Mr. Ackles. It’s passed your bed time.' 

 'Yes ma'am. Good night.’

Read Part Two Here 

anonymous asked:

do you have any reaper squad head canons you wanna share?

hell yes i do:

  • At first Lup and Kravitz butt heads on stuff like how they make their entrances on group missions (both are extra af but lup is more…explody about things and Kravitz has a flare for the dramatic)
  • Barry heckles shitty necromancers to their face because he can do it wayyyy better (”nice formula asshole who’d you bounce this one off of your gurgling corpse friend over there”)
  • Lup refuses to call Kravitz by his name, only skeleton-based nicknames
  • Kravitz at first is annoyed by it but quickly becomes resigned to his fate
  • When Barry and Lup first hear Krav doing voices they start cackling and Krav gets super embarrassed
  • Lup gets into doing voices too (Barry does them sometimes)
  • Barry gets salty about always having to dress nicely and starts just wearing jeans and a sweater because fuck that noise im barry bluejeans not barry blackslacks 
  • Once they see eye to eye Lup and Kravitz start planning the flashiest possible ways to bust liches and Barry is mortified because the amount of property damage they’re gonna cause is unquantifiable
  •  After longer solo missions Lup tries to get a few days off to hang with Barry because he gets anxious about her going off alone
  • double dates with Krav and Taako are essentially three grim reapers and a ceo of a major brand sitting in a fantasy olive garden judging the pasta like its not a big deal

Concept for Lance’s vlog:

It’s near the end of the video, and he says this:

“Yeah, I should probably stop messing with Keith, but he’s so cute when he’s mad.”

And then it cuts to several times when Lance made fun of him.

Then it cuts back, and Lance is just sitting there frozen looking absolutely mortified and he’s like

“Don’t tell him I said that, don’t tell anyone I said that, Pidge I’m begging you please edit that out I will do your chores for a whole month PLEASE-”

and then he runs off screen and that’s where the video ends

“European standards of beauty are something that plague the entire world-the idea that darker skin is not beautiful, that light skin is the key to success and love. Africa is no exception. When I was in the second grade, one of my teachers said, ‘Where are you going to find a husband? How are you going to find someone darker than you?’ I was mortified. I remember seeing a commercial where a woman goes for an interview and doesn’t get the job. Then she puts a cream on her face to lighten her skin, and she gets the job! This is the message: that dark skin is unacceptable. I definitely wasn’t hearing this from my immediate family-my mother never said anything to that effect-but the voices from the television are usually much louder than the voices of your parents.“