but this high school girl fuels my life

2

I was bullied a lot in elementary/middle school, and I still deal with stupid and hateful comments to this day. I developed an eating disorder at 11, and it never really goes away. You win your battles and you lose your battles but it’s a war you’ll have to fight for the rest of your life. Unfortunately I’ve dealt with just more than one war. I’ve been sexually and physically abused, parents split up, I’ve been told I wasn’t good enough my entire life from men just because I never followed their directions. I’ve had my heart broken time and time again, and in the end I felt like I’ll just never be good enough. I almost lost these wars because in all honesty, I was not planning on living to get through high school. Two years ago, I made the smartest decision to get up off my crying ass and be the best version of me possible. When I’m in this room and I’m boxing, it’s like all of the bad things in my life are just fuel. All the faces of the people who said I was too stupid, too fat, too tall, and just not pretty enough, those faces make every punch, kick and extra mile worth it. So I’d like to say thank you, to every man who took advantage of me, to every girl who has put negative and hateful comments towards me, and to the bitchass teenage boys who think i give a shit. It’s because of you all that I wake up at 5:00am before school. It’s because of you all that I stand here not only alive, but healthy. Thank you for being my fuel, I would not be as physically or mentally strong without your contributions. 

*An old post from my drafts from a few months ago*

I think it’s interesting how a lot of my followers have been here since I was 14 years old. (I’m 20 now.) They’ve been reading my personal posts and therefore following my love life since it began with my first real heartbreak. Highschool was a terrible time for me when it came to relationships. I was  in a mentally abusive relationship off and on for 3 years and it ruined my self esteem as well as my outlook on life and men in general. This is a story most girls can relate to, but mix in a pre-existing depression and you’ve got a bigger monster. My high school escapades with the boys I fell for only taught me that I am indeed the piece of shit I always thought I was, who will never be fully respected by any man and rightfully so, because apparently I don’t deserve it. They also taught me that men are inevitably disappointing and will never be the entire person you want them to be. No one ever turns out how you want to be. I learned that I am weaker than I originally thought I was, although I already knew I was weak.

I’ve been weak-willed and weak-minded since elementary school. I’m naturally quiet, depressed and struggle with self-hate. I’ve always been a follower who later began pretending to be a leader. After hating who you are for so long, the easiest (yet extremely difficult) thing to do is to begin to pretend to be someone else. Change your hair, wear more makeup, dress with more punch to it so people will notice your shoes instead of the emptiness in our eyes. Say things you’ll regret and copy other people in order to blend in yet stand out as much as possible because nobody likes an outcast yet nobody notices a normal person.

I pretended to be more blessed than I was because nobody cares if you’re depressed, they’ll take your weakness as an opportunity to step on and over you. It’s better to pretend to be above them, where they cant touch you. So I built a new shell in high school. It actually didnt work most of the time but i saw small improvements so i kept going with it, I turned myself into a leader, I faked confidence and fed off the compliments until I grew just strong enough to make it to college. Using the drool of many superficial men and jealous girls to fuel my forged ambition, I became somebody. At least, I was somebody to those who didnt know me. If you know me from twitter, instagram, or youtube, you might love me, you might even wish you were me. But if you know me from real life or the “personal” tab on my tumblr, you’re probably confused and concerned.

But why do I hate myself so much? I’m lightskinned, with naturally curly hair, a two story house back home and my rent here is paid for. I can draw, I can dress, a lot of people want to be like me, I have tens of thousands of followers and I make money off of existing. I’m thin, I’m in college, with a job and I know all of the DJ’s and party promoters. I’m a model so I get in free to VIP events and meet celebrities.

But when I’m older, my skin wrinkles, my hair turns gray, my parents pass away, my un-unique talents fade or go unnoticed because I’m easily replaced, my clothes dont fit, Instagram stops being a fad, and the parties are over….. Then what? 

If you zoom out, think ahead, and consider the bigger picture, I’m worthless. I have nothing. I have not changed the world. The world has only changed me.