but they made him want to live love smile want cry and yearn for a little bit longer)

distractions | tyler bate

Originally posted by wrestlingsexriot

Tyler Bate was the UK champion, accomplishing such a prestigious title at just nineteen years old. He had the world in his hands and just about everything anyone could ever wish for- an incredible job, dedicated fans, considerable wealth.

The only thing missing was her.

And at one point, Tyler did, in fact, have her in his life. He had all of her quirks and habits, all of her cheesy jokes and references, all of her love and support. Lucky didn’t even begin to describe his circumstances, but he failed to show it enough; just as quickly as she came into his life, she left.

Or, she didn’t leave, per say. She was driven away by his inability to balance his rapidly-growing career and their relationship. There wasn’t that mutual effort they swore on however many months ago; it was just a pipe dream, after all. The electric feeling she once got even just hearing his voice via short-lived phone calls had sizzled out. There wasn’t much of anything anymore. 

It wasn’t to be blamed on her, either. Though it had been tough, she’d worked through the issues sure to come about with Tyler moving onto the big league of WWE. Greater time away from each other was among that list, looming over them like a dark cloud. If they could make the distance work, they could make anything work.

That was just a pipe dream, too. She’d done her part, devoting countless time to work around his schedule, despite her parents’ disapproval. They’d been convinced it wasn’t worth it, Tyler not being “good enough” for their daughter, not putting forth enough effort to truly make her happy. She’d fought so hard for him, saying over and over again just how happy he made her, the happiest she’d been in her entire life.

Initially, both side puts in equal effort, until it eventually disintegrated into nothing more than a poor relationship drug on by two people unwilling to let go. Tyler knew, to some extent, that he wasn’t the same; his life was ten times more hectic and unfortunately, his relationship felt the consequences. But she would stay, right? They’d overcame too many battles for her to walk away because he was a little distant and distracted. She wouldn’t leave him, he was sure.

Meanwhile, she was fighting this battle on her own. Staying with him hurt like hell, his changed behavior feeling like they had already broken up. And leaving him would be just as painful; she was at war with herself, but neither potential outcome was a victory.

When she finally made a decision, the weight on her shoulder all but lifted. Instead, fifty more pounds were added upon it. The time had come to stop making excuses for Tyler, time to stop hanging on, time to stop being the sole reason they were still together. She hated that she had to finally fulfill her parents’ wishes after all the fighting she’d done with them to defend Tyler, but all along, she’d been the fool in too deep. 


He was due to come home for a few days, but soon enough, he’d be gone once again. Even though she could barely handle talking to him when she was planning to end things as soon as he was home, he deserved much more than a phone call break-up. He may have become too endowed in his career, but that didn’t mean she sought out to break his heart, even if he had unconsciously broken hers. He was chasing his dream and all she could do was chase him.

“Hey, beautiful,” he greeted, his voice alone nearly making her forget about her upcoming announcement. 

She smiled, a weak replica of the one she usually donned when around him. “Hey.”

Rather than springing up from the couch to meet him by the door, she folded into herself, his eyebrows furrowed a bit as he noticed the odd behavior. “Everything alright?” he ensured, dropping his bag as he took a seat and pulled her to his side. 

Every fiber of her being was begging for her to say yes, yearning to stay tucked in his side and away from the harsh reality. It always felt like she belonged there, right in his arms, but she’d learned long ago that she could no longer find a home in Tyler.

“Is it?” she asked, trying to keep the tears at bay. She’d done enough crying to last a lifetime. “Do you think everything’s alright?”

“I’m here with you, everythin’ feels alright with you.”

A sad chuckle slipped past her lips, unfit for the situation at hand. “But are you really here?”

His head turned slightly, unsure of what she meant as he reached forward to wipe away the few unrelenting tears that had managed to bypass her repetitive blinking. She was being too cryptic, but it was a way to avoid the direction this was ultimately heading. Stalling never did her much good, though. 

“Talk to me, love,” he begged, taking her hands in his as she pushed away from him softly, “Y/N, you gotta tell me what’s goin’ on.”

“You can’t be that blind, Tyler. When was the last time we had a conversation with actual substance? We talk to each other just to convince ourselves we’re okay.”

He was silent, attempting to wrap her back into his side again, but she shook her head and stayed in place. 

“Let’s just end it, okay? You’re doing big things and I’m just…I’m just here.”

“No….” he disagreed, his voice much, much quieter and broken than just mere minutes ago, “No, you can’t do this. I’m sorry, I promise I’ll try harder to make this work. I love you." 

Tyler had a life to live. He had schedules to fulfill and goals to be accomplished. At this point in time, she just couldn’t be with him along the way. He could deny it all he wanted, but that was a simple fact. While he was living the life, she’d be rebuilding hers. 

With a tear-stricken face and a wavering voice, she finished it. "It’s over, Tyler.”


There was no moving on process. Tyler didn’t move on; the idea was foreign to him, the words tasting bitter on his tongue when he even thought about speaking them. If he couldn’t be a good enough man for the one he loved most, he didn’t deserve to find new happiness in someone else. Not that he would be able to, anyway. She was it for him, he’d told himself that numerous times when he watched the gentle rise and fall of her chest in the morning.
Even so, he’d fallen into the one trap he vowed to never fall into, losing her in the process. Maybe she was gone for good, maybe he’d never get the chance to hold her in his arms again. For right now, he could somewhat live off the faint memory of her warmth radiating against his chest and the countless pictures they’d taken together in their prime.

And as he explained the story to a friend who had asked about his downcast expressions, he realized just how many mistakes he made. A long time ago, he’d told her he would treat her better than anyone else ever could, yet it had become just another lie. He’d become the man her parents viewed him as, a distracted shell of the person he used to be. 

“Her parents always hated me,” he admitted, tracing his fingers along the rim of his drink, “I guess they were right.”

Paris

request ; request ; can u do 457 with oak? it seems v angsty sooo :) thank u so much !

#457: “You told me you wanted to let go. That night… I was coming over to try and fix things.”

requested by anonymous

pairing ; oak x reader

summary ; some relationships, as wanted as they may be, are simply not meant to be.

words ; 1934

warnings ; lost relationships; angst.

note ; finally figured out a semi nice plot line for this request, so i hope you like it!

masterlist


paris \ ‘pa-rǝs\ n

  • a sentimental yearning for a reality that isn’t genuine.
  • an irrecoverable condition for fantasy that evokes nostalgia or daydreams

You sighed out, looking up at the ceiling of your bedroom. You could feel the bass of the song playing through your speaker, the same song that had been playing on repeat for a while now. The same song you and… him would sing together, dancing around the kitchen and then kissing near the end.

It was the same song that had the definition of paris, something made up, but something you were living through. You had the feeling of dread, the feeling of being empty. You wanted nothing more than turn around and see him lying there, underneath the covers and reading a book, smiling softly at you once he noticed your staring.

He was always a gentle soul, even if he didn’t look it. His skin was dark, and his build was rather muscular, his height also added to the “intimidation bundle” as you’d called it. But he wasn’t as mean as he looked. He gave the warmest hugs, his chest was always an amazing pillow, his arms held you close to his chest when you’d sleep together.

He always wanted happiness for you. He hated knowing you were sad, he hated knowing that he probably had something to do with it.

It didn’t matter now, though. Nothing mattered ─ it was all in the past. He was gone, out of your life, no longer in the picture, no longer apart of the narrative.

But if that was true, why the hell were you still thinking about him? Why did your heart still yearn for him? Why did you still want to see him in your bed when you woke up in the morning? Why did you still want to kiss his lips, his cheeks, his nose still? Why was he still just as big a part of your life as he was when you were still together?

He shouldn’t be, you swore to yourself. We’re over, and I should be okay with that. He wanted to end it and I’m… I’m okay with that.

Maybe some things just weren’t meant to be, right? That’s the answer to your questions; you still thought about him because things weren’t meant to be and your heart refused to comprehend that fact. Yeah, that’s what it was.

You were not still in love with Okieriete Onaodowan. No. You were not and you would never be in love with him again.

Sitting up, you closed your eyes and took a deep breath.

The memory of that night came crashing into your mind like a wrecked freight train.

“You can’t blame this on me, Oak! It’s not my goddamn fault!”

“What the fuck do you mean ‘it’s not my fault’!? You were the one that caused it!”

Keep reading

Burned Out

Part 2 

Pairing: EXO Baekhyun X Reader

Genre: Angst

Word count: 2063

A/N  Thank you for sending in my first request, anon! Baekhyun is also my bias too<3 I hope you enjoy it. This is pretty sad, but maybe a part 2 can be written if anyone’s wanting a happier ending!

_

You should have seen it coming. It was all your fault. Snapping at him was like throwing a lighter onto petrol: you’d triggered the explosion. You stared at the photo frame sitting sickeningly brightly on the dresser opposite your double bed. The couple inside beamed at you, almost taunting the turmoil you felt you were in. You toyed with the flimsy piece of paper in your fingers.

It had been a Sunday. You were sitting at the dining table in your shared apartment with your boyfriend, Baekhyun. The two of you had been together for three years now. You’d cooked Baekhyun’s favourite meal for him, as a small surprise for when he’d come home from work to act as a gesture of your love. The table was draped with a maroon tablecloth and three candles decorated the table. These days Baekhyun had been coming home progressively late and you’d noticed him becoming more and miserable. He’d come into the apartment late in the evening, throw his stuff on the floor and find something quick to eat then join you in bed and go straight to sleep. It was like you barely spent time together anymore. Although you wondered if there was something acting as a barricade from Baekhyun you’d reassure your mind that he was extremely busy right now with promotions and performances. It’d all die down soon.

Now you were staring at the steam floating up from the food into the air and disappearing. Like a flame igniting then going out almost instantly. It wasn’t Baekhyun’s fault that it was getting cold, he didn’t even know you’d planned a meal for him. The wax from the candles was dripping. You sighed and migrated yourself to the couch, just a few metres from the table and turned the TV on.

Almost two hours later the door finally clicked open and you heard Baekhyun shuffle inside. The familiar clunk of his bag being heavily placed on the ground made you tense up. Why was he so harsh with his movements all the time? You stood up as Baekhyun entered the living room. You tried your best to muster up a genuine smile.

“Hey,” you said softly. Baekhyun mumbled a greeting in reply. He looked rugged, worn out and unhappy. His dyed red hair that had started to fade stuck up messily. You could see the dark circles under his eyes. “I made dinner. Your favourite, although it’s probably gone cold now,” you said, laughing with a hint of bitterness in your voice.

“I don’t have time. I’m going straight back out,” Baekhyun said, not even sparing a glance to the table of food you’d taken the time to make up. You struggled to compose yourself and not break in front of him.

“But, I made your favourite… You’re so tired these days and-”

“Y/N, I said I don’t have time,” Baekhyun retorted, cutting you off mid-sentence.

“Baekhyun, I’ve been sitting here for two hours watching the food go cold. Please just appreciate what I did for the two of us? Where are you going anyway? It’s a Sunday. It’s bad enough you were at work on a weekend,” you muttered, crossing your arms.

Don’t give me that. We’ve had this conversation hundreds of times. You know my work can’t be helped.” He attempted to make his way past you, heading to the bedroom. You sidestepped in his way and placed your hand against his chest.

“I asked where you were going. You just got back,” you said.

“Out. I need to get changed,” he said bluntly. His eyes looked coldy at yours, and suddenly you felt almost embarrassed.

“We never see each other anymore! You’re never happy! When can I at least try to make you feel less miserable? What can I do?” Baekhyun’s eyes suddenly broke contact with yours as they danced around the room.

“Y/N… There’s nothing you can do.” Now he was staring at the floor. Your hand found its way to his chin as you gently turned him so he’d lock eyes with you.

“Don’t sound so depressing!” you half chuckled. Baekhyun winced. “Baekhyun… You know I can. All I need from you is time,” you almost whispered.

“No matter how much time I give you, there’s nothing you can do. I’m sorry,” he said dully and pushed his way past you. You turned to watch after him as he made his way to the bedroom. He left you standing there in confusion. All you wanted was a day to go out with Baekhyun, or sit at home with him, just to have a good time and make him happy. But it wasn’t all an act to please Baekhyun, you also yearned to be happier with him.

Suddenly it was like the click the door makes whenever he returns home. It had clicked in your head. There’s nothing you can do. Your mind started racing with all the worst possibilities of what he meant. Both you and Baekhyun had been capable of almost anything when the two of you were together, cheering each other up had always been easy. Whenever you were feeling down he’d say something silly or pull you in close and it’d end up with you smiling. It was the same with him, Baekhyun would get worried about his performance in EXO and you’d always been able to comfort him or make a fool of yourself so he’d laugh. But now you couldn’t. And Baekhyun had decided that.

After your realisation, your body started trembling. You took a deep breath and entered the shared bedroom. Baekhyun was pulling on a t-shirt and didn’t even look over.

“Baekhyun.” He turned to look at you, his eyes showing no emotion but exhaustion. Not only with his work. “We can fix this. Just give me a day, one day and it’ll be like old times with us. We can find excitement again.” You could see him almost cringe at your statement. Maybe you had sounded stupid. He sighed again, and sat back on the bed. He patted the duvet beside him. It was a soft, serene blue.

“Y/N, come and sit down.” A glimmer of hope played at the bottom of your stomach and quickly you went and sat next to him. He looked down at your hand, fisting the duvet cover nervously. He placed his hand on top of yours. You looked down at them both, his covering your hand in control. “Recently, we’ve been a little… distant.” You bit your lip and nodded. “You haven’t done anything wrong… But it’s also not just my work. I’ve been going out a lot and distancing myself from you purposefully,” he admitted, saying the last few words while looking intently at the ground.

“What?” Your voice cracked, and your vision became blurry. Tears were welling up in your eyes. Baekhyun turned to look back up at you. You remembered when he told you he can’t bear to see you crying. But now he considered your eyes flatly with no desire to look away. Like he didn’t care.

“My feelings changed. I thought maybe if I distanced myself, they’d come back and I’d realise I did still want to be around you.” His sentence was sloppy, structured poorly, you noticed. The first tear drop spilled out your eyes and began rolling down your cheek. “I’m so, so, sorry, Y/N,” Baekhyun continued, reaching out to touch the tear and wipe it away. “I just can’t do this any longer. I don’t think I’m in love with you anymore.”

It was like every inch of your body broke apart and crumbled between Baekhyun’s fingers. The man you had thought you’d marry had said the words you’d have done anything to avoid hearing. You stared at him in shock, your body no longer trembling but sitting ghostly still. Your heart hammered and raced in your chest, while more tears splashed down your face uncontrollably. Baekhyun drew his hand away and looked down, his eyes glassy. You didn’t know what to do. Completely break down to him, beg him to stay and tell him you’ll change? That you’ll do anything to get the two of you back to where you used to be? Or do you stay composed and treat his decision with respect? There was nothing you could do to make him happy anyway.

You sniffed and drew your hair back, out of your eyes. Baekhyun looked back up at you, his eyes expectant. He was waiting for an answer, a reaction of some sort.

“Baek…” You reached forward with your hand, your voice cracking again. This was not what you’d planned to do. You knew you needed to stop, this could only get worse. You should have left it at a clean break. “What… What’s going to happen now?” you asked, tears still tumbling down your cheeks. Baekhyun shifted uncomfortably, re-positioning himself backwards, away from you.

“Well… I’ll probably get my things together and find somewhere else to stay. Maybe I’ll stay at Chanyeol or Jongin’s place until I find my own. I guess I could stay with Chanyeol, I mean he’s a bit tidier than Jongin…” Baekhyun had begun to ramble on and you felt yourself tuning out of what he was saying. This was unlike him. He’d been able to stick with straightforward talk today, to get to the point. Maybe he’d been able to keep his guard up until now. “Is that okay with you?” You hadn’t even listened. Probably something about living with Chanyeol. Why was he bothering to ask for your permission? What could you say other than yes?

“Yes,” you breathed. He smiled softly. “And what about the media? You’ll be hassled,” you said.

“I can handle it.”

Shortly after, Baekhyun left. He went out in a long dark coat, shrouding himself away from the world. From you. You sat on the couch hugging your knees and sobbing. You couldn’t believe your relationship that had been so bright and exciting from the beginning was ending here. You wanted to say it was out of the blue, but subconsciously you had known it would happen. Baekhyun was too pure for someone like you to deserve him. You two had been a perfect match at the start, maybe that was why you had burnt out. You glanced over at the two plates of food still at the table, left untouched and cold. It was a grim reminder of the feeling in your chest. The candles had collapsed in a pile of melting wax. Smoke still drifted away from the wicks.

The next day you woke up to the bittersweet sounds of birds tweeting outside. Curse them. How could they be so happy while you were drowning in a pit of sorrow? You were used to waking up alone as Baekhyun used to leave before you’d woken up. You went over to the dresser to get dressed when you saw one side completely empty. Realisation flashed through you and you jogged into the sitting room desperately. He couldn’t have just left… Not like that.

“Baek? Baekhyun?” you called. So he’d probably come back in the evening, slept on the couch and then taken off before you’d awoken. Some more possessions were missing. You saw a small, neat envelope tucked on the kitchen table.

Y/N,

I’m sorry this all happened so quickly and that I just left. I’m a coward. Thank you for being accepting and making this break easier. For the both of us, please don’t contact me. Don’t worry about paying for the apartment, I’ve taken care of it all. I will be happy now, and I hope you are too. Maybe we’ll see each other around some time, I’d like that.

Love, Baek x

Such a short thing to leave. A large pile of money sat under the paper. Your throat tightened and tears spilled out your eyes again as you clutched the letter to your chest. You took yourself back to the bedroom and slumped onto the bed, your cries becoming a familiar minor tune to your ears. You should have seen it coming.

Fic: Who Am I (T)

Author’s note: Um, this is a spec fic for 4.16. Angsty fluff? I don’t know. I woke up from my nap and there it was, demanding to be written. Spoilers, obviously.

Who Am I

Who am I?

Emma buried her face in her hands, grinding the heels into her eye sockets. As if she could blot out the terrible nightmare. Or her mother’s words.

Her mother. Who was she? Just who the fuck did Snow White (Ha, wasn’t that name a laugh now.) think she was?

I’m your mother.

I don’t care.

It was the nightmare that started it. The last thing she remembered was sitting in the station with Killian. Trying to process. Gold wanted to turn her heart dark. He wanted her, Emma, for his evil scheme. Again. Hadn’t that asshole already taken enough from her? Made her his puppet on a string to break his fucking curse? But that didn’t seem to be enough.

She didn’t recall falling asleep.

Keep reading

CHAPTER TWELVE ~ ALONE?

Two weeks passed. I’d begun to give up on all hope of talking to any of them. I had gotten back on a normal sleep schedule but it didn’t feel worth it. I didn’t like the feeling of not having anything to look forward to. I had my friends but they didn’t make me feel like he did. My friends noticed how different I was. I didn’t make as many jokes or fangirl as hard anymore. They called me a drag a few times. Which wasn’t appreciated. My family hadn’t seemed to notice anything. I acted the same around them as always. Not that they’d notice anyway but still. I tried not to make myself obvious. If they did find something strange about how I was acting, I wouldn’t be able to explain myself. They wouldn’t believe I was in a relationship because I never left the house. They wouldn’t understand being in an online relationship. It would just sound like I was being immature or Catfished or whatever. They didn’t care enough to let me actually explain it & I really didn’t want to anyway. 

I sat on my bed everyday, just staring at my computer. Even if it was off. I was having a hard time accepting the fact that he wasn’t there anymore. If I turned it on & went into the chat, it would be empty. I was alone, in a sense. I was empty & didn’t know what I was going to do with myself. I couldn’t just move on. Not after everything I’d been through. I was getting so close to figuring out who he was. I wanted so badly to just know. Then we could talk freely & be normal people with each other. Instead of secrets & guessing, we’d be able to share, or be totally open. But now that was all gone. I didn’t even get to say goodbye. I couldn’t deal with the idea of him just disappearing. It was tearing me up. I’d never had my heart broken & I didn’t want to be there yet. I was still young, I still had so many good years before I needed to have my heart basically ripped out & put through a wood chipper. Right now I just wanted to be happy & talk to him without feeling rejected. 

Sometimes life isn’t fair, but this was ridiculous. I would spend every day like a zombie wandering around, doing nothing & not talking. I just wanted to be left alone, never to be bothered with feelings or emotions ever again. I was a wreck in the worst way. I didn’t have the motivation to do or say anything at all. My mom would look at me & I could tell she kind of knew I was going through something but she’d never ask. Instead, I would just shuffle passed her & go to my room again. I wanted to sit in the dark & sulk. Be sad. Be anything but happy. I couldn’t feel happy anymore, it was like any sense of good in the world was suddenly tainted. Happy feelings made me feel worse. I would see things that used to make me smile & I would scowl at them with distaste. It wasn’t pretty but I didn’t give even a single fuck because I was so unbelievably done with everything. I couldn’t cry though, even with everything I was feeling. I’d never been one of those people who cried because they were sad. I cried out of frustration or pure & utter entertainment. Like laughing too hard. 

I tried to cry, hoping it would make me feel better but literally nothing would happen. I’d sit there like a moron making faces & trying to force it out of myself but to no avail. I was more angry at myself for not being able to than I was angry for the reason why I wanted to in the first place. I needed something to distract me from thinking about it all but I didn’t see what could possibly do that. I was a loner who had no one to talk to or hang out with. I didn’t go to the cinema or the mall like normal people my age. I sat in my room & talked to people online. People. Online. Members. Of an internationally famous group. Who were now no longer there to talk to. Shit. Not thinking about it didn’t last long. My mind was swelling with thoughts of them all again. I was so upset. But I was mad. I didn’t get a warning for fuck’s sake. They could have tried. Made a new account or some shit. Did they even try? Did they care at all that I might possibly get very, very sad that they were just gone? No, probably not because they were selfish. Though I didn’t know them well enough to think that for sure. But right now I was mad so I let myself think it. I thought it hard. 


Once I’d hit the one month mark, I was pretty much just completely lost. I didn’t sleep, I hardly ate & my will to do anything was absolutely gone. It sounds stupid, I know. Trust me. I know. Because I didn’t even know personal details about him. But I felt so attached to him that it was like I was missing my other half. In the least cheesy way possible. Like… I just didn’t know what I was doing anymore. The dark circles under my eyes had worsened somehow, which I never thought was possible. My hair was just like dead weight on my head at this point. The roots had started showing & I didn’t care at all. Let them show. They were free to live their life. I wouldn’t stop them. I wouldn’t hinder their growth or stunt their yearning for freedom from hair dye. I would let them be what I couldn’t be, happy. I ached the feeling of being cared for. In a different way than I’d get from my family or anyone who wasn’t him. He was the only one who could make me feel truly worth the life I was given. Not that I was suicidal over this. But I didn’t see a point anymore. What was life anyway?

Don’t judge me, but I’d started talking to a picture of the guys. I knew it was crazy & I wasn’t having conversations with them but I’d just vent my frustrations about them ditching me. I wanted to tell someone & this was the only way I could. I’d put my focus on the four remaining members that were possibly him & I’d stare at them for like hours each, trying to force myself to feel a spark with them through my mind. Like make a connection somehow that told me who he was. But the more I stared, the harder it became to look away. From any of them. Even the ones I knew weren’t the one I’d fallen for. He was one of them, he was there in front of me. But I couldn’t make myself see him. Why couldn’t I just be psychic? It wouldn’t matter anyway because I’d never talk to him again, but at least I’d be able to sleep at night knowing I was talking to one of the four faces. If it was any one of them, I’d be happy. I would have been happy with any of the twelve. But now that it was just the four, I realized which one that I really wanted it to be. He was always so cute & shy but that didn’t match with our conversations. Maybe because people are different online. I know I am. 

But with how I saw him in interviews, he was so quiet & patient. I wanted to be with someone like that. Even though, now, I never would because he was gone. I tried to force the thoughts of just him out of my head long enough to consider the others too but I kept coming back to him. His eyes & the way he was always so calm. I just couldn’t help it. I wanted to know if I was right. If I’d lost my mind or if I was totally justified in thinking it was him. I’d convinced myself it was him, but I knew that if I was wrong, I’d cause so much trouble. For myself & for them. But nonetheless, I’d have loved him anyway, no matter which face was behind the screen. Because I connected to him deeper than just what I’d observed as a fan. I’d gotten to see… talk to him on another level.


A month turned into three really slowly but also fast at the same time. I’d almost gone a week without thinking about it. But sometimes I’d get little flashes of conversations or someone would bring up a subject that made me think back to something he’d said. It wasn’t easy to escape. I was trying to get my life back on track. I stopped going on my computer so much to make my mom happy, I’d even gotten a few small makeup jobs here & there to make a little bit of money. I didn’t need a man, I was strong & kind of independent. But there were still parts of me that yearned to speak to him again. It was a whirlwind of a month that I got to talk to him but it all ended so fast that it was harder to let go. If I’d been able to say goodbye… I would have moved on sooner. I almost laughed at myself thinking about how I acted when I was talking to him. So desperate & clingy. He must have thought I was crazy. Secretly. Because I would have. I didn’t see why he liked me so much.

That was me putting myself down to feel better honestly. I needed some kind of release so that I could talk myself into getting over it. I was trying so hard to have a life now. I’d made a friend at work. He was nice. That’s all I knew about him so far. I’d just started kind of hanging out with him on a daily basis since we’d discovered our shared love for K-Pop. He instantly gained my respect when I’d played an Exo song at a job & he didn’t tell me to turn it off or call it “garbage”. He just laughed & sang along. He knew the words. He. Knew. The. Words. To an Exo song. I could have died. I wanted to. But I contained myself. We’d bonded over the genre & that helped me a lot, even if it did remind me of him still. It just felt nice to have someone to talk to in person about things & stuff. I was pretty sure I was starting to like him. He’d smile at me all the time at jobs & I’d get all goofy about it. I was pretty sure that was a good sign. I’d never been smiled at before so I could have been mixing up the complicated signals. 

I invited him over to my house when my parents weren’t home one day, because you know, as a 20-something year-old, it’s unacceptable to have boys in your room. So I kind of had to sneak him in. We just hung out though. No hanky panky. No thanky. I just liked talking & being around someone. He would hug me a lot & make stupid jokes that made me smile & shake my head at the same time. It was wonderful. But I’d always get a little sad again, being reminded that he might be somewhere thinking about me while I’m here with someone else. Even if we were just friends, I felt like I was cheating or something. But then I remembered, three months. It has been three months since I’d last talked to him or had any contact with him. I didn’t even get a tiny note or anything since then that told me he was trying. I was frustrated. But I let myself be with this new person to calm my nerves. I let him get close to me & cuddle me. The way I wanted to cuddle with him three months ago.

I felt comfortable with how things were now. They were easy & carefree which I’d never experienced before. I knew something was going to mess it up eventually, like me saying the wrong thing or me not wanting to go somewhere or me just being me, but for now I let myself enjoy it. Because that’s what I felt like I deserved… even if I felt selfish for saying & thinking it. I was a selfless person who never put myself ahead of others but for now, I knew I needed to try. I needed to let myself be the only thing I was focused on. I’d lose myself if I didn’t find myself. Or whatever. You know what I mean. I tried my hardest to be everything I thought people wanted, but now I wanted to be who I wanted to be. Whether is WAS selfish or not. 


A/N: I feel like that was a load of nonsense but hopefully you all understood it. I was trying not to make it too serious because this fic is totally not serious. I mean… there was smut. So. I hope you all liked this one. Let me know your guesses for what will happen in the next chapter~ xo