but there's no comfort

10

Even “casually wearing my boyfriend’s clothes long before we were official Bech Naesheim

does anyone else feel like they’re “attached” to their mental illness? 

like you feel uncomfortable when your symptoms aren’t as strong or frequent because you’re so used to them being there all the time?

anonymous asked:

instead of andreil how abt some angsty andriel hcs?

Happy 900. Here is the angst, as promised.


It happened, sometimes, on bad days that got worse.

He’d wake up in the morning and feel it like an itch under his skin, like bugs crawling and biting and burrowing so deep that he’d never rid himself of the phantom sensations of them. No matter how hot the water he ran in the shower, how brutally he scrubbed and clawed at his skin.

He felt dirty.

He felt like a lie.

When he first saw his reflection, it would come as a shock. Everything within him would ground to a halt, and there would only be the brutal realisation of who he was, of what had been done to him, of what he had done. He would stand and stare at that reflection for hours, until shapes and lines blurred, and the icy blue of his eyes turned into an empty pit into which he fell and fell and fell.

It was his father’s face.

When Neil smiled, the Butcher smiled back at him.

Andrew would drag him away, put cubes of ice into his hands and squeeze them around it until they burned. He would talk to Neil, random and pointless things, until Neil looked at him and he could see recognition in those empty eyes, instead of that hollow, blank stare.

His hand on the back of Neil’s neck, clutching Neil’s around ice, his voice filling his ears, the smell of him near and constant, it was comforting. It grounded him, enough for thought to penetrate the incessant chorus of liar liar liar cycling ceaselessly through his mind.

“He was my father,” Neil would whisper. “He made me.”

“He isn’t,” Andrew would say, ferocious, insistent. “He didn’t. He was a killer, and you ran away. You are a fox. You are Neil Josten.”

“Then why don’t I feel that way?”

Andrew would grab his face and force him to meet his eyes, would press his thumbs to the scars on Neil’s cheeks and step in close.

“Because you are having a bad day. That doesn’t change anything. You are still the man I gave those keys to, you are still the man who made this team into something worth a damn. You are still the man I told to stay.”

Coming from Andrew, the truth of those words was a lifeline. Neil would cling to it desperately, as he clung to Andrew desperately, and the blond would allow him this comfort. With Neil’s hands fisted into his shirt, his face pressed into the crook of his neck, Andrew would wrap an arm around his shoulder, another in his hair, and Neil would feel grounded and steady. He would feel safe.

The lingering touch of his father would fall away, irrelevant. The smell of burning rubber and metal, the sting of knives and the stench of sticky blood coating his skin would diminish.

Sometimes, it was enough.

Sometimes, it wasn’t.

Keep reading

3

So this is love, so this is what makes life divine…

Friendly reminder to all my minor tumblr users that you need to be very careful on this website because not everyone can be trustworthy and as friendly as you think. Take care of yourselves and distance yourself away from older people that make you feel uncomfortable.

  • What I say: yeah I don't know if I'm gonna win this competition :/
  • What people think I want to hear: don't worry you'll be great!! I'm sure you'll win!!!
  • What I actually want to hear: it's okay if you lose just try your best and see what happens as long as you give it your all nothing else matters

anonymous asked:

Ooo ooo what about #56 for whiterose YOURE THE BEST BTW

Thank you anon friend!

#56. Are you flirting with me?

For some reason this turned into a continuation of this. Hope you enjoy!


It was late, and though Weiss was exhausted, she lay awake in the dark. The bed was unfamiliar, almost too comfortable after weeks of sleeping on the ground.

She shifted onto her side, staring into the empty darkness of the room. Every time she closed her eyes she found herself forgetting that she was in Mistral. The bed beneath her felt too much like her bed at home.

That isn’t home, she reminded herself. Had it ever been? It felt so good to be free of it, yet every time she closed her eyes that freedom began to feel more and more like a dream that was about to be ripped away.

All of a sudden there was a knock. “Weiss?” Ruby called through the door, “Can I… can I come in?”

Weiss was at the door in an instant, pulling it open and gesturing for Ruby to come inside. “Of course! What is it, what’s wrong?”

Ruby shook her head. “Nothing! I just thought I ought to check on you. I was worried.”

Weiss sighed and rolled her eyes. “I’m fine, you dolt. You should be asleep.”

That earned her a sarcastic smirk. “So should you. And I’d like to point out that I’m not the one who fainted this morning.”

Weiss was glad of the darkness to hide the heat that rushed into her face. “I– That was– ugh, you’re insufferable. Look. I’m okay now, see? Go back to bed.”

Ruby turned to go but then hesitated, chewing her lip and staring at the floor.

Weiss frowned. “What is it?”

Ruby glanced up at her. She looked almost shy. “Can I stay with you tonight? I…don’t really feel like being alone.”

“Of course.” Weiss breathed a quiet sigh of relief. The prospect of sharing the room with Ruby suddenly made the space feel much more comfortable.

Despite Weiss’ protests, Ruby insisted on taking the floor. After they were both settled, she lay on her back, listening to the soothing sound of Ruby breathing.

She could tell her partner was still awake. “Would you like to talk?”

There was a long pause, and Weiss began to wonder if Ruby was actually asleep when finally she spoke. “Not right now. I can’t… I just want to sleep.”

“Are you sure you’re comfortable down there?” she asked, for what was probably the tenth time.

“Yes,” Ruby sighed, “I’m fine.”

“It’s warmer up here, you know.”

“Really, Weiss–”

“The company isn’t so bad, either.”

“Are you flirting with me?”

Weiss nearly choked in surprise and embarrassment. “What? No! I just… I want you to take care of yourself!”

A horrible, awkward fell, and seemed to drag on forever. Dammit, Weiss silently cursed. Now she’s uncomfortable and I’ve ruined everything.

Suddenly, Ruby’s voice floated up out of the dark. “I wouldn’t mind if you were.”

Weiss found she didn’t have the words to respond to that. She managed a small “Oh.”

Ruby got up from the floor and came over to the bed without a word. Weiss pulled back the covers in silent invitation and Ruby climbed in, curling herself up against Weiss’ s body. Weiss settled into the comfortable softness, burying her face in Ruby’s hair. It was… intimate in a way that she didn’t know how to describe, and it was nice.

The two of them stayed curled up that way through the night and into the morning.

okay so i was having thoughts this morning about how i believe that obi-wan was probably t h e best master for anakin under the circumstances (and a few others) and how as much as i hate predestination, if you accept anakin as (one of?) the chosen one(s), then he is fated to bring about the fall of the Jedi - cos you can’t have balance when the lightside outnumbers the darkside by as much as it does. and i started thinking about how what if the universes where obi-wan is his master greatly delays him fucking off to the darkside and bringing about the end of the Order? well, he was all of 23 when that happened, which means in other universes, where obi-wan is not his master, he probably abandons the order much younger than that.

okay, so - an au where.

an au where qui-gon lives. despite reasons why it probably wouldn’t happen, he becomes anakin’s master, obi-wan fucks off to do Knight Things and Grow As His Own Person. anakin has his canonical crisis of faith and great realization that being a jedi is difficult and not actually all that he thought it was going to be. he fucks off from the order - say around the age of fifteen?

qui-gon, despite everything, goes off to hunt him. despite this “betrayal”. after all, anakin is the chosen one, right? so he even goes so far as to call in obi-wan to help him find anakin. meanwhile, anakin is employing every last trick in the book to remain out of reach. he won’t go back - he won’t. he can do more good out there in the galaxy, instead of tied down by the (hostile, tbh) jedi order.

it just so happens that obi-wan finds him. rather than try to arrest him or anything (leaving the order is not a ‘take into custody’ offense, as obi-wan well knows) and actually talks to anakin about the reasons why he’s fucked off. he finds the reasons understandable. besides, becoming a jedi is not being conscripted. anakin has the right to leave if he feels like it. obi-wan tells him that it’s fucking dangerous for a half-trained force sensitive out there in the wild galaxy, but when anakin doesn’t change his mind (because he’s hella stubborn tbh) obi-wan is just like “welp” and lets him go. he tells qui-gon he never found anakin, but that it’s really unreasonable to hunt the kid down for fucking off. it’s another thing that qui-gon and obi-wan don’t see eye-to-eye with.

so that’s that, right? they’ll never see the chosen one again.

but wait, there’s more. So of course the Sith find anakin. he must bring balance to the force. Dooku and Sidious play bad cop/good cop until anakin is firmly under Sidious’ thumb. (presumably, Qui-gon would have found nine hundred different ways to keep anakin away from palpatine, who might even have been the one to plant the idea of running off into anakin’s head on the few times when he was allowed to speak with the kid). anakin goes corrupt, as you do when siths are fucking with your head, and the story proceeds.

here it is, the fall of the jedi order, and order 66.

ymmv what happens to qui-gon. does he live through even this? or is he shot down protecting obi-wan? in either case, obi-wan survives as he tends to, trying to regroup with the rest of the surviving Jedi. of course, you have this wretched sith lord, Darth Vader, hunting them all down. his skill with a blade is unparalleled. no jedi who has faced him has survived.

when he finds them, obi-wan stays back, sacrificing himself to save the others. and yet, to his surprise, darth vader does not kill him. darth vader himself does not understand entirely why, only that once when he was very young, a jedi heard him out and let him go.

he does not let obi-wan go, but neither does his blade fall.

au where isak has an older sister who’s getting married and their parents always bother isak with “when are you gonna get a girlfriend, son?” and with the wedding getting closer its just worse and he’s annoyed so he goes on a dating site, “looking for someone who will pose as my boyfriend at my sister’s wedding in two months” and then he almost forgets about it but a few days later he gets a message notification, “hey i was told im really good at acting and talking to people, and you sound a little desperate, i think i would be an excellent fake boyfriend” and isaks not sure if he was serious or just really annoyed but he gets a text from his mother so he’s like. fuck it and replies to the guy and they share pictures and, holy shit he’s either a fake profile or the universe is being kind to him for once, and they text for the next few weeks until the wedding and they hit it off, trying to learn the most important things about each other that could come up in a conversation and one night at 2am isak wakes up to a phone call from even and its the first time they talk on the phone and isaks heart is beatin really fast and suddenly he’s wide awake and evens just like “just so we have an annoying but cute moment where i call you in the middle of the night bc i miss my boyfriend so much and cant sleep” and isaks throat goes dry at his voice and giggle and then even hangs up with a “good night, isak” and isak has a really good sleep the first time in a couple of weeks. and they meet a day before the wedding so they could arrive together the next day and fuck. even is really tall and so much more beautiful in person. and they walk back to isaks flat in silence and its comfortable but theres also tension between them,both of them trying to bring up a topic and they finally arrive and even puts his bag on the kitchen table and he gets out flour and eggs and stuff and isak is just standing there like ??? and even shrugs, “thought we could bake something for your mom” and they do, and its the most fun isaks had in a long time, both their faces covered in flour and theyre laughing and theres a moment where isak is sitting ontop of the counter and even stands in front of him to get something but he doesnt move away and then its really silent, the radio in the background fading out and isak only hears his own heartbeat and theyre only an inch away when the oven beeps and they just chuckle and move on with the cookies like nothing happened but the atmosphere is different and now isak feels every slight touch and his skin is burning…and after that they sit on the couch to watch a movie and when it ends they just sit in the dark and isak says “they dont know that im gay” and even promises him that everything will be okay and when he takes isaks hand in his own the next day, walking up the steps to isaks family house,isak feels like yes, it will be okay, this is okay