IM SO HAPPY IM NOT ALONE IN LOVING THE NON SEXUAL LICK HEADCANONS THEYRE JUST ODDLY SWEET
( Melly’s Mod Notes: Yesssss. I’m glad I’m not alone on this too! \ o / I know it’s a strange thing to like and adore but its what tickles my fancy if I want something cute or fluffy while having it silly if I want to imagine my favourite robots, haha.
Also I’ve been getting a lot of messages asking me what on earth I mean by non sexual licking headcanons after I put those tags in. Since I really love this stuff, I’ll be more than happy to give examples of what I mean by that. I’ll be primarily using G1 continuity for maximum silliness. )
✦ Introducing the concept of licking at all to the Autobots. I like to headcanon that Transformers/Cybertroninans only have known a fluid-based diet thanks to how energon is formed and never somehow needed to use their tongues. So when they come to Earth and one day see Spike or Chip stick their tongue out to lick their thumb to flip a page or their palm to try and flatten their hair, they are all understandably confused and ask what’s that all about. Cue the strange and fumbling explanation of tongue and saliva and its uses for the humans. Some find it gross. Some find it cool. Most are, once again, intrigued by the wonderful uniqueness of humans and their planet.
✦ Autobots trying this licking thing for themselves in their attempt to better learn humanity. They have a giant basketball court and watch soap opera and ballet on their super computer. Of course some of they are gonna go, ‘I wanna lick too!!’ after learning about the concept. At some point Spike or Spike’s friend needing to beg some Autobots - WHEELJACK. PERCEPTOR. - to please stop licking everything they see or discover because no don’t lick the train tracks you know what train tracks are gUYS-
✦ Short but sweet: Someone trying to explain that weird phenomenon of kids licking street lamps and flag poles during winter time, trying not to giggle the entire time. One of the Autobots - Hound, for some reason and because it’s funny - decides to see if this works in reverse by licking Spike or Spike’s friend out of the blue(?!) during their talk. Everyone learning the terribly truth that yes. It can work in reverse. Ratchet can only stare at the embarrassed parties with judgement as he tries to get their human friend off of Hound’s tongue.
✦ Auutobots finding out, to their delight, this is how dogs kiss and show their love to those they like. On one hand please imagine some of the sillier and friendlier Autobots like Bumbelbee returning affection to dogs this way, grinning the whole time as the dog shakes off the excess energon-saliva and continues to back and lick them back!! On the other hand please fucking imagine Powerglide getting sent to his private hangar for the night when he tries to use this on Astoria and she is o f f e n d e d because wow?? Excuse you??? If she wanted to get slobbered on and in the not sexy way she would have gotten a dog, ‘Glide.
✦ The Autobots being introduced to the idea of candies. Seeing Spike and his friends eat up the stuff when the humans are hanging out on the Ark. Learning the hard way that robots and sticky/syrupy Earth treats do not mix. Wheeljack and Ratchet deciding that will not deter them and creating their own version of candies. The energon candies being a smash hit with the other Autobots who are intrigued by the lollies and taffies and suckers. Prowl shyly asking for some of the snacks so he can lick on something while doing work, wings fluttering in joy when he’s given a nice big bag of it to show their appreciation for the SIC. Ratchet and First Aid using it to coax stubborn patients into the medbay by promising them sweets. Mirage pretending to be snooty and sticking his nose up if introduced to the sweets - blah blah something about sticky and gooey and yucky - but Spike’s friend may catch an invisible Mirage sneaking a jelly or two when he thinks no one is looking. It’s kind of hard to miss a floating jelly suddenly disappear followed by half a dozen more. They pretend it works for Mirage’s sake.
✦ Energon ice cream. Following the train of thought of the last headcanon, the Autobots wanting to try and make their own ice cream after seeing their human friends enjoy the stuff so much and seeing it in their favourite soap operas and shows. Trying to make their own flavours like copper-nickel or silver-gold and enjoying the delicious stuff on hot summer days to keep their systems cool. It’s all fun and games until Wheeljack tries his hand on making ice cream by building his own ice cream vending machine. No one is sure how but it ends with 95% the Ark is on fire. Optimus Prime regretfully has to ban ice cream making in the Autobot base after that. It’s a sad day for everyone.