but that's what makes it funny

anonymous asked:

I'm thinking of having sex with my bf of 3ish weeks. But I've never had sex before and I'm a lil nervous and I'm slef conscious of my thighs and tummy

Its okay lovely. Sex isn’t/shouldn’t something to fear. Sex is supposed to be fun and a comfortable experience. Sex for me, really is about embracing each others bodies and being accepting of one another. If your boyfriend is worth shit then he will love you and make you feel comfortable and loved and beautiful (which u are). He should take things slow. If you are scared perhaps you are not ready, please don’t worry about anything. Sex is not what people make it out to be. It can be funny, gentle, slow, stop & starting. It should be pleasurable!!!!!!!! Thats what it is about!!!! It should be about wanting to give pleasure to each other. Its not just penetration. Stay safe, use lube, condoms etc etc. And COMMUNICATE !!!!! Make sure your boyfriend communicates with u too!!!! (The best sexual experiences i had were because i had communication with the other person and we could also laugh together). Not only will this mean you have better sex but also it will mean you feel more in control and comfortable. You can stop at anytime you feel uncomfortable. Remember that. You don’t have to impress your boyfriend. You are human and deserve to have good,comfortable and positive sexual experiences. Sending love x

Best quotes from the new dnp craft video

“Friends are important. then you have more knives”

*laughing* “Lying makes you go to hell!”

“This one’s long with a big head. Like him!”

“Throw the smallest over your shoulder! No one wants that.” 

“I’ve selected as many knives as i have friends. Two!”

*heavy breathing*

“Next, grab your potato! Grip it with all your strength.”

“Slice it like it will remember it.”

“Chopping things fills me with good memories.”

“Sometimes its nice to look up at the stars and remember that theyre all already dead.” 

“The universe is so big….and cold.”

“If you make a mistake while cutting, just think about it for the rest of the day!”

“Phil. Too hard. You hurt it.”

“Space is violent.”

“I only trust my potato with my true friend”

“Im going to place mine [potato] in the trapdoor under my bed.”

*satanic shit*

Wait wait wait, did you just make a joke?

•I am in love with the idea of Keith making jokes so only hunk can really hear
•and they are GOOD
•Hunk has laughed so hard hes cryed over some of them
•one time Keith’s joke got him so good that he skipped the laughter and went straight to crying
•but Keith is sneaky
•and no one EVER hears him exept Hunk
•Hunk is loosing it™
•cause
•I SWEAR GUYS KEITH IS FUNNY HE MAKES JOKES I SWEAR LANCE YOU BELIEVE ME RIGHT
•LANCE!
•LANCE?
•im sorry buddy but ??? Keith has literally never???
•Hunk looking at Keith
•hes so smug
•Hunk making the “im watching you” gesture
• Keith taking it as a CHALLENGE
•a challenge to get sneakeyer and funnier
•when they are heading to their lion
•right before they enter a room with everyone else
•as hunk is taking a sip of space juice so he does a spit take all over lance and pidge
•at the table when Keith walks behind hunks chair
•Keith is brutal with his jokes tbh
•they are always relevant to something going on
•"Are we sure Galra Keith isn’t evil??? I think he’s tring to make me laugh to death! Is that possible?“
•Keith is so happy to have a thing™ with Hunk
•he feels so proud of himself whenever Hunk laughs
•he did that he made him happy
•Keith would do anything to make that laugh and that smile stick around
•and he finds that making jokes like this is a great stress relief for both of them so thats a plus
•keith dosnt know when he started to automatically seak out Hunk when entering a room
•Hunk doesnt know when he started keeping a constant eye out for Keith
•really tho if you see one of them you probably see the other too and they are probably most definitely both trying to stifle a laughing fit

Send Nude Pics of Your Heart to Me

James Potter to Mrs. Wife: lily can we have another baby?

Lily Potter to Wears Socks to Bed: R u going to text me that every time Harry does something cute?

James Potter: yes

Lily Potter: U know if we got one every time u asked we’d have like 35 babies by now??

James Potter: i’d be okay with that

James Potter: they might give us our own tv programme

James Potter: lil and jim and their kin 

Lily Potter: Ur right what’s the point of having children if not to pimp them out for reality television

Keep reading

My Parents Going Through My Tumblr
  • Dad: Why do you post about us?
  • Me: People find you guys funny.
  • Dad: Funnier than you so I get it.
  • Me: Dad.
  • Mom: You should watch your language.
  • Me: My language? I was quoting you!
  • Mom: That's no excuse.
  • Me: Y'all make no sense.
  • Dad: What's a...Jamilton? Is that one of those ships you talk about?
  • Me: Yes. Jefferson and Hamilton.
  • Mom: Ah yes. They have more sexual tension than you and that 'friend' of yours.
  • Me: Mom oh my God.
  • Dad: Is Lams another one?
  • Me: Yes. Laurens and Hamilton.
  • Mom: Well he did shoot someone for Alexander. Even I wouldn't do that for your father.
  • Dad: Yeah she - wait, what?
  • Mom: Oh look people can comment of these posts of yours!
  • Dad: No no let's get back to the previous -
  • Mom: Would you look at that - we're more popular than you AJ.
  • Dad: HA!
  • Me: Oh my God...
  • Me: I mean no one believes y'all said it so.
  • Dad: Well...
  • Dad: That's rude...
  • Mom: You're rude.
  • Dad: The hell woman?
  • Random arrogant guy: My girl is the fucking best I tell you, she cooks for me and it the hottest human being I ever seen.
  • Gajeel: *chuckles*
  • Guy: Oh? You think that's funny?! Do you have a girl?
  • Gray: Pipe your mouth, we all do.
  • Guy: Oh okay, well then tell me Mr. Fuzzhead, what makes yours so special.
  • Natsu: I start *clears throat* She is a spirit user mage, she has endured adventures with me even those far beyond her level at the beginning. She endured being kidnapped and beaten. She got a lot stronger though, I saw her summoning mini planets to attack people with and now she can use the spirit's power for herself while summoning them. She took care of me while I was unconscious and dying twice and she never ran away even when the situation looked bad.
  • Gray: *takes his shirt off* Mine is always by my side, she is the most loyal girl you ever meet. She has baked me cookies, cupcakes, cakes. She helped me ease my pain of losing my family by defeating a necromancer demon that used my father as a weapon. She stayed with me for 6 months and understood why I vanished for a secret mission. She even tried to sacrifice herself when the only option was "kill or be killed".
  • Gajeel: *eats a piece of iron and gulps it down* Even though I was a complete asshole at the beginning and I hurt her a lot. She accepted me in her life, she cares a lot for me. When I was nearly drowning she gave me air and when I fought alone she summoned iron for me to eat. She saw me nearly die in a vortex and wanted to jump in to save me. When we met again, Gihiii~, she kicked me and tackled me. She is a bookworm so she is probably one of the smarter ones you ever met.
  • Jellal: Nobody is tougher than mine. *Puts down his cup of tea* She had endured getting her eyes stabbed out and years of sadness because I was possessed and threw her away. When we met again she tried everything to help my memories back to normal. She even let me get arrested when I said that she should let me. It wasn't easy for her. What I heard, she got tortured and survived that. The guys are even scared of her because she is probably one of the most powerful girls out there.
  • Gray: Didn't she cut a meteor ones?
  • Jellal: Point proven.
  • Guy: ...

Get yourself some roommates who have Star Wars discourse screaming matches on a regular basis. Yes I sometimes join in.

While Reading Harry Potter And The Cursed Child...

I came to the part in the beginning with the sorting hat.

Does this mean he has legs of his own? If so then…

Oh no

I don’t think its fate thats making Rose tense

He puts himself on her head…

Is this how it works?

  • Bitty: to make sure we don't rush into anything we will have to keep this relationship quiet. keep it on the down low
  • also bitty: Oh my god have you guys seen Jack? he is so good!!! why i'm going away for the weekend? ....hum a cousin? yeah i have a cousin whatever, LOOK AT THIS FUNNY VIDEO OF JA--tater!! i am so proud of my boy(s) y'all have grown so much jack is doing so well!!! i am so proud of him!!... yes Holster i am proud of you too - that's what i said i am proud of my boys! i'm gonna bake 30 maple sugar apple pies!!!! yes i did have a nice time this weekend. i just have a thing for dark haired men in suits and blue eyes and tall and cheek bones and i think my future boyfriend have to like sports but preferable hockey... I am an ass kind of man, i think. oh hey jack!!!
  • some dude: repeatedly tells me how interesting i am even though we've been talking for less than 10 minutes & has even attempted to touch my jacket while telling me how oddly i dress (but in a good way, i guess! guess that's what he's going for)
  • me: thank you! my girlfriend thinks so too!
  • dude: ...your.. friend? is she as funny as you?
  • me: girlfriend, &, yes, she's got a really good sense of humor & her laugh is cute, warm, makes flowers grow, so,
  • dude: ......your
  • me: future wife, yeah
6

mentioning his height is probably like a taboo in the house

yeah if you haven’t noticed before, the age differences in this au are slightly different from canon. I wanted the kids to be closer in age so I made the gap smaller (I mean Wendy is like, what, 6,7 years younger than Natsu and Gajeel? Yeah, I just didn’t want to make them teenagers here I guess)

alternative title for this post: everyone bullies Sting

  • Hunk: its funny how you and Keith supposedly hate each other.... I bet you can't make Keith fall in love with you
  • Lance: psh! What? I can totally do that
  • ~
  • Pidge: I bet you can't make Lance fall in love with you
  • Keith: uM he's gonna fall in love with me so fast and ur gonna look like an idiot
  • ~
  • Keith and Lance to their child: and that's how we started dating ♥

Everyone has heard of aliens learning about human culture and technology but what about humans going to alien planets and (for once) actually trying to learn about alien culture and technology and they end up fucking up just as badly as aliens do when their on our planet like….

“What do you mean thats not a microwave you said it heats up food”
“No Johnny I said it heats up Bood like our planet Bood”
“Well why would you make something like that”
“A fail safe in case of a risk of another Nitro age”
“A what age”
“*alien face chest equivalent of a human face palm*”
“*rolls eyes* Is that in case of a nitric age too”
“*alien sigh*”

dirk likes John when they get older cause like. he’s had a Hard life like literally, he grew up alone, he fought off robots, and when he spent his time with Jake they were always fighting and making stuff but when he matures he realizes he doesn’t like that stuff anymore…and like….John is soft and welcoming and relatable and just Good and he feels like a breath of fresh air or a break from doing hard shit all the time. john is genuine and open in a way that dirk has never been able to be and thats what pulls him in,, john falls for dirk because he thinks that dirk is smart and funny and he really likes how easy it is to get dirk to like, ramble at length about things that he loves and is genuinely interested in - he thinks its cute that dirk is very dumb for a smart guy and very passionate for a stoic guy

dumbass exo fanfic shit that gets on my nerves

→ *yall are either doing the most (without a doubt), being annoying, or just down right fucking gross so here i hope yall learn to do better next time (none of this is to directly target anyone or anything, just some things ive seen that need to be put to rest. that being said, my ask is still open if you feel otherwise.) edit: yall are doing the most to clock me for kinkshaming, but not everyone is going to like everything and everyone has a right to express such opinions. if you have a problem with anything i said, oh well lol


  • if she dont know him (and they havent personally discussed it) and hes eating her out while she sleeps for whatever reason,,, he raped her fuck off with that buffoonery
  • you can write tao into a fic without making him a whiny, sobbing pissbaby i hate that stereotype
  • if the oc hates his ass and distinctly said “no” to fucking but he “persuades” them in an aggressive way, thats rape too. no is no regardless it shouldnt be that hard to grasp
  • can yall stop with the mafia!exo fics where he kidnapped the oc and is such a fucking cunt but they grow to love him anyway (ngl ive written this before but like,,, i shouldnt even have to explain why this made the list)
  • some people are into this and thats chill but it annoys me when hes the dom and hell “punish” the oc for masturbating when hes away
  • in supernatural!exo fics why is he watching her sleep if they arent acquainted?? it wasnt cute when twilight did it and it isnt cute now
  • ive seen a distinct lack of boy!reader fics and non east asian poc fics (i try to use words that leave it open to interpretation but why is she always either white or east asian)
  • ill say it again for yall smut writers,,, if the oc seriously says “no” it isnt the time for him to keep trying to seduce them
  • the way hes so protective (especially when they arent allowed to have other male friends) aint attractive sometimes
  • theres a fine line between rough sex and pushing set boundries
  • bts and exo dont always have to beef
  • but i dont wanna see bts in every single oneshot/fic
  • age of consent varies but if you hmu asking me to write some shit about a 13 year old reader (and its happened sksksks) dont expect my american ass not to look at my phone a lil funny before pressing “delete”
  • this is less exo and more general, but stop ! writing ! smut ! about ! idols ! that ! arent ! legal ! let them be kids and stop sexualizing everything
  • i thought i escaped this bullshit when i quit hardcore stanning 1d but the other day i saw a fic where he was her bully?? and she fell for him even though he did nothing but put her down??? um–
  • those “sex slave” fics i see on aff where he literally owns her and dictates every little thing she does are also an um– (thats actually a world issue sjsksks just write some heavy bdsm oneshots i know yall add that in at some point anyway)
  • i know what sehun comes across as but can yall stop making him such an overbearing, bratty piece of shit in everything its agitating to see it so often
  • i find this more funny than anything but with some of those reaction requests where the oc fangirls to another group, is he supposed to seriously mind? my mom fangirls over celebrity men all the time and her husband doesnt care at all
  • lastly, those “adopted sibling/step-brother” stories arent technically bad, but it makes me wince when they were raised as siblings and they talk abt being brother/brother or brother/sister so frequently like,,, idk about you but if i fell in love with my brother–

When I’m in a group and someone says an inside joke that I don’t understand but everyone else laughs at it and I just wanna seem like I belong

Spy/Agents

Your otp are both secret agents. What a calamity. 

  • Who whispers the Mission Impossible theme tune on an actual mission, who shoots them a look of upmost disbelief. 
  • Who is the new recruit who always manages to do something wrong, who rolls their eyes but helps them in secret, never taking any of the credit.
  • When your otp have children, who tells them stories of all the missions they went on, who interrupts with “then I swooped in and saved the day!”. Bonus: “thats not what happened, don’t listen to them” “ummm yes it–” “you were unconscious literally the whole time.” “…you make a good point”
  • When your otp, who aren’t together, end up trapped in a very small space together (air vent etc) who suggestively wiggles their eyebrows, who repeatedly bashes their head against the wall and cant believe their bad luck. 
  • Who’s the brains, who’s the muscle. OT3 bonus: “Wait what does that make me?” “you’re… well, you’re you.”
  • Who makes funny faces behind their boss when their next mission is being explained, who is trying really damn hard not to laugh.
  • Who takes their job very seriously and seldom shows any emotion let alone smiles, who’s the joker and makes it their mission to entertain them. 

Requested by: anon.