but she is not serena

matildaswan  asked:

Headcanon: Bernie's thumbs


- Bernie cuts her thumb when she’s slicing toast, has to go get stitches at hospital. She’s eight, but she doesn’t cry (not really one for emotional displays), doesn’t scream or run away. Instead she’s fascinated by what the nurse does, by every bit, by watching the doctors work; knows there and then that’s what she wants to do when she grows up. 

- They won’t kiss at work, won’t have sex in the supply closet, no matter how much they want to. They won’t even hold hands, at the start. But sometimes she’ll let her fingers brush against Serena’s in the corridor or when they’re scrubbing in, or let her thumb press against her wrist (the palm of her hand) when she says goodnight to her, says see you later? And their restraint at work makes her revel in their freedom, their affection, their tactility, at home. Bernie can’t believe it’s real, any time Serena touches her like that, any time she asks Bernie to touch her too - her thumb making marks in the skin above her trembling hips, or caressing the line of her cheekbone, or tracing nonsense in the small of her back. And sometimes they just tangle themselves up on the couch at Bernie’s, close together and exhausted, best each other in thumb wars while they talk about their days. Bernie usually wins. 

- Bernie’s very talented with her fingers ;) 

Monday 8:27am
I woke up with you on my mind.
You called me babe last night —
my heart is still pounding.

Tuesday 10:53pm
Today I realized we won’t work.
What we are is hurting her.
And I think she matters more to me than you do.

Wednesday 11:52pm
I broke things off with you today.
She barely said a word.
I’ve never regretted anything more than this.

Thursday 4:03pm
I shouldn’t have sent that message.
You shouldn’t have been so okay with receiving it.

Friday 9:57pm
I almost messaged you today.
I didn’t.

Saturday 8:49pm
I’m walking around town in search of alcohol.
They say that liquor numbs the pain of having a broken heart.
I want to put that to the test.

Sunday 2:32am
I heard you texted a girl you’ve never spoken to before.
I wonder if it’s because you’re trying to replace me.
I can’t help but wish you weren’t.
I thought I was irreplaceable.

—  a week with you on my mind, c.j.n.
Move on, leave, run away, escape this place… but don’t forget about me, about us, about this town. Always remember where you come from so you can appreciate how far you’ve come.
—  c.j.n.
You claim to love her, inside and out, but the only time you call her beautiful is when it’s 3 in the morning and I’ve already turned you down.
—  girls tell each other everything, c.j.n.
We throw around the word never likes its nothing but a small rose petal. The word never is a doubled edged sword. On one side it says ‘I will never leave you’ and on the other it says ‘I will never love you.’
—  The Word Never

“Congratulations Serena on 23. I have been right there with you, some of them I lost right there against you. Your win has always been my win, I think you know that. All the times I couldn’t be there, wouldn’t be there, didn’t get there, you were there. I’m enormously proud of you, you mean the world to me.”

Looking back, I can’t remember the truth. I blew everything out of proportion so I could feel the hurt and betrayal and write about it in vivid detail. It was my own method of torture. My own undoing; and I enjoyed every second of it.
—  c.j.n.