Written by: Haleh Banani, MA Clinical Psychology
As women, we desire to have a deep emotional bond with our spouse. We want to be loved and adored.
We need to nourish our spouse daily with love, support and understanding.As a therapist, I have seen numerous men who are disappointed in their marriages.
Men’s Top 6 Requests of Their Wives
1. Be his friend
2. Show him respect
3. Fulfill his physical needs
4. Make him feel desired
5. Make him feel appreciated
6. Create variety
Be a friend:
The most important aspect of a marriage is friendship.When there is friendship, any obstacle can be overcome.
Look at the beautiful examples of Khadija and Aisha (RA) and how they showered the Prophet (peace and salat upon him) with love, providing him with true companionship. Think about your best friend and how he or she became so special in your life. It probably had a lot to do with the amount of time and effort he or she made to get to know you and spend time with you. When was the last time you and your spouse had quality time together where the focus was just on having fun and sharing?
An easy way to get started is:
1. Set a date night with your spouse and stick to it
2. Share likes, dislikes, dreams etc.
Your friends are people who accept you and make you feel happy. How accepting are you of your spouse? Are you always trying to change or nag him? These behaviors push a man away and doesn’t create positive associations to you.
In order to create or strengthen friendship in marriage, try doing the following:
1. Listen, listen, listen to him – I mean really listen without being distracted, without making lists in your mind as he talks and without watching T.V. Remember what he shares with you about his work, about his goals, etc.
2. Share the highlights of the day & be supportive and understanding,
3. Find out what his area of interests are, read about them and be prepared to discuss,
4. Always say please and thank you, no matter how long you have been married
5. Eat at least 1 meal a day together,
6. Be forgiving – overlook his mistakes and flaws and train yourself to remember his positive traits ( everyone has some – you just have to focus on them),
7. Plan activities together (be it traveling together, playing tennis, walking, eating out, going out for movie nights – anything you both enjoy doing together),
8. Laugh together – don’t take your relationship so seriously all the time. Couples that can laugh together, stay together,
9. Have time to cuddle – being in close contact, hugging & caressing melts away the barriers, anger & frustrations. We all feel better after a nice, big hug,
10. Say nice things to each other – If you spoke to your friend the way you speak to your spouse would they remain your friend? Be honest with the answer,
11. Always make up before you sleep, and sleep at the same time. Don’t lead separate lives.
The need for men to be respected is so strong that when they are given ample respect, they flourish like a plant that has just been watered. When they are deprived of the respect, they wilt and harbor feelings of sadness and resentment.
Many times women put a lot of time and effort in keeping the house clean, taking care of the kids and fulfilling all the “duties”, but because they fall short in showing their husbands respect, the husbands will shut down and not show appreciation for all that she has done. It is critical to be sensitive towards men and their feelings. Even though men may not be as expressive, they can and do get hurt and it is much harder for them to recover from hurt feelings.
Here are some ways to show respect:
1. Always speak with kindness and politeness, regardless of how long you have been married. Show the same (if not more) graciousness to your husband than you show your guests,
2. Never shout, call him names or use profanity,
3. Don’t be sarcastic with sensitive issues – if he has any weaknesses or shortcomings don’t crack a joke about it. Even if he doesn’t get mad, he may feel hurt inside,
4. Listen to his opinion and honor his requests – you will be rewarded in this world with a happy home and in the akhira insha’Allah,
5. Don’t have a power struggle with him. When women are demanding and aggressive it makes the men be harsh and rigid. If you show respect for the role that Allah has chosen for him he is more likely to be accommodating,
6. Show love and respect to his family and be a unifying force. Don’t be known in his family as the person who took him,
7. Respect his “alone time”, and allow him to unwind,
8. Ask his opinions and value them.
Fulfill His Physical Needs:
Intimacy brings about a whole lot of mixed emotions. Some sisters are not interested at all, some can never get enough and others seem to use it as a way to manipulate their husbands. There really needs to be some frank talk about this subject because I have seen many marriages suffer and fall apart due to problems of intimacy.
Sisters, if you withhold sex from your spouse as either a way to get back at him or to control him, you are making a HUGE MISTAKE.
Make Him Feel Appreciated:
When a man gets married he enjoys being the center of his wife’s life. He loves all the attention, the special meals and having his wife exclusively to himself.
There are so many times that men are made to feel neglected. Whether it’s because of the newborn baby, her demanding job or her never ending list of errands and voluntarism, men are being overlooked and pushed aside. Each man is craving his wife’s attention. The woman that knows how to shower her man with attention and appreciation will win his heart.
So here are some practical and easy ways to show appreciation to your husband:
1. Greet him with a hug and a kiss when he arrives home. Men have a need to feel important,
2. Make him feel that you are glad that he is home- this will create a positive association to being home; therefore he will WANT to spend more time at home,
3. Get off the phone before he arrives,
4. Make sure the place is presentable,
5. Have a sumptuous dinner ready,
6. Verbalize that you appreciate his hard work and all that he provides,
7. Be happy – nothing shows appreciation like a content smile,
8. Be understanding when he has to stay late or has to travel,
9. Listen to him without multitasking – I know it’s hard for us sisters to sit still and just simply listen, but it’s so critical to make a man feel heard,
10. *LOOK ATTRACTIVE*
Make Him Feel Desired:
When was the last time you gave a compliment to your husband? And I’m not referring to compliments on how well he fixed the leaky faucet. I mean a compliment on his looks or personality that will bring on a genuine smile.
The need to feel attractive increases as men age, they require more assurance that they are still desirable and worthwhile. There are two ways to make a man feel attractive: either tell him by giving him a compliment or show him that you are attracted to him.
Here are some ways to show your attraction to your husband:
1. Take the time to look at him – deep in his eyes and have your eyes lock. There usually isn’t enough time to make eye contact and since everyone always has to be careful to lower their gaze in public, here is the chance to stare and be rewarded!
2. Smile affectionately,
3. Be generous in giving compliments – it’s amazing how a person will light up with kind words.
4. Be playful, flirt and make him feel like the most attractive person
Variety is always desirable. We enjoy an array of meals, an assortment of clothes and a selection of entertainment. This yearning for variety can be fulfilled even in marriage.
Here are some simple measures you can take to add a little zest and variety to yourself.
1. Get different hairstyles and change the shade of your hair color
2. Have a nice wardrobe for the house. ”What, dress up at home?” YES! You don’t need to be all decked out, but you need to have casual, nice clothes for around the house.
3. Invest in nice lingerie – it’s not just for the honeymoon. If you want your honeymoon to last a lifetime have a selection of lingerie that you wear regularly.
4. Try to create variety by getting intimate in different rooms
As you strive to create a strong bond with your husband by being a true friend, you will become closer and more intimate. By investing the necessary time and effort into your marriage, you will be pleasantly rewarded with a more satisfied spouse and you will Win His Heart InshaAllah!