“Okay, that’s a used napkin.” “Magic isn’t real, you idiot. Read a book.” “It’s so hard to be a lizard.” “Once a week, I like to slip into a deep existential depression where I lose all my sense of oneness and self-worth.” “For me, if you distill comedy down, it is surprise and the unexpected. That has to be it on its most base level, in any form.” “JUGGLING! We can do juggling, and JUGGLE OUR CARES AWAY!” “Quotes are for dumb people who can’t think of something intelligent to say on their own.” “Where are all the sour patch parents?” “Art is a lie. NOTHING IS REAL.” “What’s a pirate minus the ship? Just a creative homeless guy.” “And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? An ironic way to die.” “YouTube is a place for people to share their ideas. If by people you mean 13 year old girls and by ideas you mean how they love the Jonas Brothers.” “Was Einstein’s theory good? Relatively.” “The world’s not sad! The world’s funny! I get it now- I’m a sociopath!” “What the fuck’s a g-spot.” “I stopped and I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?” So I didn’t exist.” “Poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no fucking sense make.” “When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.” “Drugs kill, just like cancer. So don’t smoke… tumors.” “If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land?” “Being a comedian isn’t capitalizing on the most animalistic impulses of the public- it’s being a HERO!” “Why are you wearing a condom?! I’m fucking you with a strap-on!” “Those in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones; or masturbate during the daytime.” “If your belief is hateful towards people, I couldn’t respect that.” ‘Laughter is the best medicine, y'know, besides medicine.” “Pages are blank. I know it. Why am I lying to you?” “What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.” “He was lashing out with sexist language because he had his heart broken.” “I don’t think that I can handle this right now.” “Humour is often linked to shared experience. Like, a guy gets up and says, Have you noticed public restrooms have really inefficient hand-dryers? Oh my God, yes I have, hahaha, really good point, they should… fix that. It’s good to know that somebody finally gets me!” “I’m constipated, couldn’t give a shit.” “I wanted to be a physicist when I was younger, and I also wanted to be a comedian, but only one of those worked out, so I’d like to try to do both now in a bit that I call theoretical dick jokes.” ‘Love is all about… whistles.” “WHAT DID I DO LAST NIGHT?! I cried myself to sleep!” “There’s a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he’s a good conductor?” “I love your eyes and their bluish, brownish, greenish colour.” “Give me the bottle, I’ll chug two thirds, ‘cause you bitches know fractions speak louder than words.” “You guys like impressions? Why?” “I like oreos and pussy! Yes, in that order!” “So, basically, you’re still a little bitch.” “I never said I was funny, OK, so stop staring at me…” “I cried for at least an hour after watching Toy Story 3.” “My love’s the kind of thing you’ve got to earn, and when you earn it, you won’t need it.” “There’s a trillion aliens cooler than you.” “I’m just being alive! You should try it, you might LIIIIKE it.” “I get more ass than a giant donkey stable.” “I’m a little all over the place, but I’m lustful, and trustful, and I’m just lookin’ for somebody to love.” “I saw a flyer for a lost dog; and the dog didn’t have any legs.” “Because this is a metaphor for racism!” “If I had a million dollars, I’d pay for sex with your mom. Afterwards, I’d probably invest the remaining 999,990 dollars TEN DOLLARS FOR SEX WITH YOUR MOM. COMEDY.” “I WANNA BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH A BLUNT OBJECT.” “Goodbye, sadness! Hello, jokes.” “Tragedy will be exclusively joked about.” “I can’t fit my hand inside a pringles can.” “Who needs a thousand metaphors to figure out you shouldn’t be a dick?!” “But the truth is, my biggest problem is you. I want to please you, but I want to stay true to myself.” “Look, maybe there’s something that we can do together.” “So I should probably just shut up, and do my job.” “So, sit back, relax, and enjoy a healthy dose of prolonged eye contact.” “Lick your lips to make it more comfortable.” “Have you ever stopped to see a bluebird drop from a tree, and take to the air? Me neither.” “The people in my life are like grains of sand, ‘cause they stick together. …often near my butthole.” “The people in my life are like blades of grass, ‘cause they’re all so grounded. But at least grass stays away from my BUTTHOLE!” “If Mama is right, and the world is my oyster; then I must have an allergy to shellfish.”
Good job anon, cause ironically enough, no one had asked me this one .. maybe bc my answers are kinda obvious tho xD
Favorite character: the tiny devil we’ve been following for so many years now: Ciel, aka Sebastian’s Ciel, eyepatch!Ciel, our!Ciel
Second favorite character:Sebastian
Least favorite character: (honesty hour it is I guess xD) Edward Midford, Nina Hopkins, prince Soma, Elizabeth
The character I’m most like: Ciel
Favorite pairing: hmm.. let’s see… that one with the proud, small and angry kid and the dumb, smug and attractive demon, who are great together and have this complex and unique relationship… i can’t remember the na-.. oh right, SebaCiel (⊙ヮ⊙)
Least favorite pairing: any other character + Ciel
Favorite moment: so many, but this is one of my faves
shin is what we like to call a Rowdy Boy. rowdy boy shin got into a fight with the vibora clan (those cool snake people that we never get to actually see) and the vibora king was Pissed, and he was like “we’re gonna fuck you founders UP because this rowdy boy tried to fight us”
but carla was like “pleas e……..i apologize for what my rowdy boy brother has done. if i give you his eye then will u forgive us” and the vibora king was like “yea that’ll work” and shin was like “wait, what- OH JESUS FUCK MY EYE”
and thats why shin wears an eyepatch now. he said in an interview once that he thinks the eyepatch is pretty stylish tho. so hey, silver linings
Niji: Welcome back to my channel! I’m happy to announce that soon a draw my life stream will start!
Later that day :
Niji: apparently, I looked like cute and smoll potato when I was born. I’m serious. It’s not because i can’t draw babys.
Ichiji: It is.
Niji: It’s. It’s not okay. So i looked like a potato, but a beautiful one, not like a certain someone who looked like shit when he was born -glances at Ichiji-
Ichiji; I was perfectly fine. Mom took you to the doc to ask why you are so ugly, not me.
Niji: -kokoro is brokoro..like again-
Ichiji; Sometimes I’m asking myself if you are really thinking about what an Idiot could say now.
Niji: -sighs--looks into the cam- The devil wears prada is a lie, Ichiji is literally wearing only a white tee and an eyepatch.
Ichiji: This is all live, right? So your boyfriend sees and hears us too?
Niji: Oh I nearly forgot that! HI TAYSIR. IT IS I. YOUR LOVE. YOUR BEAUTIFUL BOYFRIEND.
Taysir: Ah yes, This is where I’ve laid my affections.
Taysir: I love this dork.
A few minutes later
Niji: ANNND…that’s me today! -draws potato with 4 legs- A young, beautiful and handsome men, smashin’ with mah hot boyfriend and -
Ichiji: TOO MUCH INFORMATION.
Niji: Yeah Yeah..So guys, follow me on Insta, and for those who are already following me, I’m so sorry that I haven’t posted a Selfie in a while but I still am very cute just to keep you updated -winks-
Niji; So you got any questions ? -looks at the live commenting-
’Speaking of your boyfriend, what was the weirdest thing you’ve ever said to him?’
Niji: Oh well… -cough-
Niji: I looked him straight in the eyes and said “Glad your parents had sex.” instead of saying ’I’m happy that you were born’ or ’that I was able to meet you.’…yeah…-reads more-
’describe your brothers!’
Niji: okay uhm…Sanji is the youngest one, he is great at cooking and has a thing for that..what does he call him? Mosshead i think And Ichiji..he..has 3 Moods. ’Fuck this.’ ’Fuck that’.’Fuck you.’ I actually thought about a 4th Mood, ’Fuck me.’, but we all know that this is never going to happen.
Niji: Okay next one!
’Why is you brother so..well..emotionless? I’m sorry for my dumb question..
Niji; Ohh no no. It’s alright. The question wasn’t dumb. The reason is simple. Having feelings is ruining his reputation of being a heartless bitch.
Ichiji:…aren’t you a ray of sunshine today..
Niji: I’m even better and hotter than a ray of sunshine, ow! burned myself on my hot body. -puts hand on Ichijis heart-..ahh..so nice and cold. ..Ah and now i understand why our food yesterday was so cold and bland..Because you put your heart and soul into it!
Sanji: -enters room without looking- Niji did you saw my porn-…flakes. -looks into the cam- is…is this…live?
niji: pffff…-cough- your..pornflakes are under the kitchen sink.
Niji: uhm..pff…s-sooo…-tries not to laugh- Next topic.
Niji: Cooking with Niji and my Bro Sanji! Have fun watching..this mess!
niji; oh boy it’s so hot in here.
Niji: or is it just me -eyebrow wiggle-
Sanji: It’s a Kitchen you Donut.
Niji: Oh Shut up and eat your Pornflakes!
Sanji: You little-
Niji: Don’t you dare to yell at me! Not with that Attitude!
Sanji: Shut up!
Niji: No you Shut up!
Sanji: you’re gonna regret that in the Morning!
Niji: no I won’t because I sleep until noon because I’m a problem solver!
Sanji: -FALCON FACE PALM-
Niji: WHAT WAS THAT FOR HUH.
Sanji: YOU SURE ARE DUMB
A few seconds later they were fighting over nothing. the Kitchen became a Mess.
Ichiji: -enters kitchen–sees mess-
Ichiji: What the happ is fuckening.
Niji: Yeaah..so…cooking with him ended in a terrible fight and insults that brokoro our kokoro..and kitchen…Yeah..
Niji: So, that’s it for today! Hope you had fun! See ya until next time!
A/N: I can’t even believe I’m writing this. It’s 2am and I have to get up in 4 hours. But I’m seriously so fucked up by that video I have to do something about it. HE LICKED THE FUCKING SWORD YOU GUYS.
You were putting the finishing touches on your cat costume when the doorbell rang. You were feeling a little pressed for time - Niall had invited you to a costume party at the house of one of his sound engineers and would be picking you up any minute. You’d only been dating a short time, and your nerves still kicked in before each date. He’d been nothing but sweet and gentlemanly, you hadn’t even had sex yet. But you seemed to have a real connection and you were excited to see where this was going.
The trick or treaters had been fairly scarce tonight, it was drizzling and cold - keeping most of the younger kids at home. You grabbed the candy dish and rushed to the door.
You flung the door open and caught it with your foot to hold it open. Your mouth dropped open instantly at the sight of Niall. Dressed as a pirate. The first thing you noticed was that he was wearing a giant gold earring. The second thing you noticed was that he had a huge candy necklace hanging around his neck. You put your hand over your mouth to stifle you laugh - his face was deadly serious. He pursed his lips a bit and smirked at you. “Hey babe. Trick.” He lifted up the fake broadsword at his side and dragged the blade across his tongue. “Or treat. Your choice.”
Slaine slowly rises in the martian ranks, Asseylum remains asleep while her sister tries to take her place, and Inaho finally goes back to the front lines.
Slaine and Inaho are now enemies, fighting for different sides. Or so they’d have people believe.
For want of a nail, the shoe was lost; For want of a shoe, the horse was lost; For want of a horse, the rider was lost; For want of a rider, the message was lost; For want of the message, the battle was lost; For want of a battle, the kingdom was lost, And all for the want of a horseshoe nail.
Yay, more Bills! They’re all so cute. I love all the different expressions you’ve drawn, and I think your design for the eyepatch is really interesting! You have a real nice, memorable style and I’d love to see more of your work. :D
16 castaways. Two tribes. Who will outwit, outplay, and outlast? Who will be voted off the island? And which of these 16 FMA characters will be the sole survivor?
Silly, poorly written parody work where the characters of Fullmetal Alchemist are on the reality TV show Survivor. You don’t need prior knowledge of the latter to read, though, I wouldn’t recommend this unless you’re familiar with FMA. Spoilers for it are inevitable.
Red Tribe: Edward Elric, Roy Mustang, Olivier Mira Armstrong, Solf J. Kimblee, Scar, May Chang, Lan Fan, Rebecca Catalina Yellow Tribe: Winry Rockbell, Fuhrer Bradley, Riza Hawkeye, Greedling, Jean Havoc, Alphonse Elric, Izumi Curtis, Alex Loius Armstrong
*I do not own any of the FMA characters or Jeff Probst*
The sixteen castaways can hear nothing over the propellor chopping through the wind. Edward Elric stares out the window of the helicopter, marveling at the expanse of the island as they draw closer toward the ground. Turquoise waves lick the rocky shore, glittering from the sunlight’s kiss. He’d never seen anything quite so blue. Probably because Amestris is landlocked and his fictional continent doesn’t grant much in the aesthetic department.
Beside him, Roy Mustang has tensed, taking in the massive body of water with a wary gaze. When he agreed to be on this reality show, no one ever said there would be so much water involved. The humidity percentage must be off the charts. No way he’ll be able to create a spark in a place like this.
Due to his distress, Olivier Armstrong begins to cackle, crossing her ankle over her knee, looking out at their new home for the next thirty days.
The Bacchanalia were Roman festivals of Bacchus, the Greco-Roman god of wine, freedom, intoxication and ecstasy. In modern usage, bacchanalia can mean any uninhibited or drunken revelry. [x]
Her suitcase wheels clacked on pristine white tiled floor of the Schnee manor, echoing around the empty halls. Noon sunlight filtered in from the tall windows, the occasional dust mote shining in their rays like fairy powder.
“Hello?” she called out, still dragging her luggage as she made her way to the guest bedroom. It was the closest to the entrance, and had its own shower. If no one was home then she wanted to get clean as soon as possible. Traveling took a lot out of her; hot water was a luxury she was all too happy to return to. “Anyone home?”
Beatrix: Isn’t she a bitch WOAH..actually yeah I mean you’re not wrong
Christa: She looks like she’s about to start singing ‘Let it Go’ Get the fuck out
Karlheinz: Oh jeez…Um.. Same I don’t like his face HAHA WHAT He’s like the dad right? Yeah Yeah that’s why I don’t like his face
Richter: Kinda like, if someone was standing in front of him it would be a potential meme wHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN I HAVE SPOKEN
Yui: OH ITS THE MAIN CHARACTER GIRL W-What do you think about her? What the fuck was my first reaction to her she looks like a psychopath like could you imagine her with a knife whAT? She has seen some shit Well you’re not wrong…
Eggsy has seen a lot of spy films, so he’s pretty familiar with this scenario.
It’s almost cliche and pretty depressing, being strapped down to a hospital bed at the mercy of someone holding a large as fuck hypodermic needle, but before Poppy had snatched the glasses off his face and neatly broke them in a half with a triumphant smirk, Eggsy managed to send a distress signal to Roxy. If there was anyone who could save his arse, it would be her.
“I thought the blast at your quaint little base would have wiped you all out, but I guess I was wrong,” Poppy now says, forehead creasing in irritated likes. “You’re like cockroaches, are you?”
Eggsy grins. “We’re pretty hard to get rid of, yeah,” he snarks. He knows he shouldn’t bait—Merlin’s tried and failed to get the snark out of him—but it’s all he has left. Stripped off nearly everything but his trousers, words are his only weapon. He can’t run or wiggle out of these bonds, but one thing Eggsy’s learned in the past year that time is essential. Time couldn’t be bought or bartered with, but if it was manipulated enough, it gave him time to think or clear his mind.
He had to think of a plan, and see if Jack is all right. Even though Charlie is a right wanker, he didn’t make it to the top three recruitment ranks by sheer snobbery alone. Charlie plays dirty, and although Jack does, too, the American agent has his occasional moments of sentimentality for human life.
Poppy rolls her eyes. “And I’ll enjoy crushing you under my foot just as much.” She holds up the shining glass tube filled with something that looks like honey. “While my lackey takes care of that cowboy upstairs, I’m going to run a few tests on you before I unleash it into the public.”
Eggsy keeps pulling at his restraints, hoping that they’d slacken. Cuffs might have been easier to get out of. Then again, with nothing but his skivvies, he didn’t have a great chance of escaping them, either. “But I haven’t signed a consent form. Where are my rights?” He gives her a slightly charming smile, but makes sure to show her his canines. “Can you really destroy this handsome face? Because, let me tell you, a princess told me that it was the eighth wonder of the world. Well, that, and—”
“I can see you underneath all those mouthy remarks. The best ones at those are the emptiest.” Poppy gives him a simpler of mock pity. “You’ve lost too much, and you’re trying to sell the image of someone who has it all together. Well, this—” she runs just the needle’s tip along the soft inside of his elbow, “will strip it all away. In fact,” the point presses in, and Eggsy grits his teeth, willing himself not to make a sound, “this will make you an emotionless shell. A blank slate, if you will, and completely robotic. Shouldn’t be hard for you.”
“Fuck you,” Eggsy snarls, just as her thumb presses firmly down on the plunger.
He’s got to fight whatever he’s coming, and piecing together what she’s said and what Intel Merlin and Ginger have collected, Eggsy’s prepared for a complete reboot of his mind and body. He has to remember who he is, everything, both the good and bad.
He’s the oblivious little boy who took the shining medal with his chubby fingers, the tight-mouthed teenager who wore the medal on a chain and his heart buried deep down so no one could see, the trembling-voiced young man holding the medal in his fingers and saying the three words that changed his life.
He’s the hopeful, heart-on-his-sleeve new recruit of a secret organization, flying through the tests and exams and stealing into a hospital room at night. He’s the one who screamed in defiance against giving up the man who offered him a second chance and slurred a lot of soppy words after three martinis in the same man’s kitchen. He’s the man after the gunshot, who placed his heart in said man’s hands, who saw it being crushed, who saw it being ripped apart, too.
He’s the agent with the name of Galahad, one of the youngest in the organization, who is trapped here, now, screaming in the small room with tears running down his cheeks, nails biting into his palms, trying to remember—but it hurts—it hurts so much that he wants to give up—but he can't—he has to pull through, like always—
‘My name is Eggsy Unwin,’ he thinks, desperately. ‘I got to remember that, and that I don’t want to fail at this. I don’t want to go out, not when—’
“Oh, you’re a stubborn one,” Poppy murmurs, and Eggsy fights, fights against the cold in his veins, seeping into his mind—
Suddenly, the heavy metal door rattles, and Poppy, startled, jumps at the noise.
Roxy, Eggsy thinks drowsily from his now-convulsing body, but the figure strolling out of the shadows with a perfectly-tailored suit and hair parted on the left side, just a little over the eyepatch, is not the agent he had called for.
“You see, rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated,” Harry Hart says, right before he attacks.