but now I see that im not that

2

This post has taken me a couple days to write, mostly because every time I have thought about trying, I get a lump in my throat and end up just needing to think and process Nimoy’s death.   So here goes, as jittery as it may come across, this is the small written tribute that I want to give now when it is still fresh.

Leonard Nimoy,

It’s hard to find anyone who doesn’t have a great respect for you right now.  You influenced all of us, whether we knew of you or not.  Science fiction, television— even space exploration— were influenced by you.   I think you likely knew that.  

What you wouldn’t have known, (I grieve that I never got the chance to meet or tell you), is the profound influence you had and continue to have on my life.

My introductions to Star Trek came fragmented throughout my childhood, and only in the past three years have been particularly strong.   I remember distinctly watching one of the Star Trek movies with my family.  During a popcorn break, my dad turned to me, laughing, and asked “Abby, are you half Vulcan?”

I nodded and laughed, because I knew it had something to do with Spock’s awkwardness, his blunt logical side, his struggle with the human, emotional side contrasted against his Vulcan stoicism.   That was something my family has always cracked jokes at— the fact that I stumbled at hugs and sat on the opposite side of the room during movies and would deconstruct illogical arguments in seconds and loved strategizing to fix problems and adored all kinds of knowledge.   I knew that there was something sort of inhuman about not understanding emotion, and it bothered me sometimes, but there were never heroes in fiction who understood how my personality worked.   Then I sat and watched Spock, and my dad drew the connecting lines.  

That was not the first day I had thought it, but that day I settled something in my soul— that there was something in Spock that fit, a puzzle piece against the way I understood myself, as someone who valued the same things that Spock valued and functioned in such a similar way.

Mr. Nimoy, you played a character that gave me a home.   Spock was never static.   He carried more emotion then he communicated directly, but you held it all under the surface, releasing emotion at key moments that gave Spock the ability to communicate such human emotions.

Spock stumbled along with emotions the same way I did— logically and flawed and oh so intensely.   Spock was dark blues and desert reds and the logic of laughing when your captain survives (because you don’t know how to cry), of stoic grief and heartfelt, solemn rejoicing, of wisdom that comes with age and the kindness even towards an alternate version of yourself struggling to find his own way. Spock was intelligence and nuance and loyalty.   And despite all his logic, Spock deeply cared.  Maybe not everyone could see it, but I’ve always been able to read the nuance, and it is a testament to your skill and love for the character, Mr. Nimoy.  You have always been more than simply Spock, but the way you poured into Spock is something that I treasure and am profoundly grateful for.

Mr. Nimoy— or, I suppose you wouldn’t mind— Grandpa Nimoy, you gave me Spock, and by that you gave me someone to grow into, skin to understand myself and stretch within and develop— I could never be Spock, exactly, but I could stretch my wings and use the ways we are the same to help find my own path with the same kind of grace and significance that Spock always did.

I have you to thank for the way that Spock feels like home and like hope.  I have you to thank for being in reality as big hearted and intelligent minded as the most human of all Vulcans.    

I have you to thank for large portions of my own recovery and struggle through depression and anxiety, the highs and lows of loss  and emotion, from some of my darkest nights to my most numb months, Spock was something of a landing place of identity.   Sometimes he was lost, sometimes I was.  But mostly he was stable and standing when I was not, but I could see hope in the way that Spock existed— cool and logical, subtly nuanced, relationally deep if not always coherent, and with a spark of wonder in his eye that was never entirely masked by logic. 

If Spock could be the best damn first officer in the fleet, then everything from here till Saturn was the playground and the galaxies beyond were our world to explore.  And we would be alright.  I would be alright.  Somewhere along the road I started identifying as my own small version of Spock, and that was only because of how you, Grandpa, played the character to be accessible, to be relatable, to be moving and changing, alone but never alone, different but never isolated, always travelling but never quite arriving, an scientist and a mystic in awkward fitting science blues.   Nimoy, I don’t know how to tell you just how much that meant to me; how much it still means.   I don’t know how to tell you the many ways it saved me.

Grandpa Nimoy, my heart is aching to say goodbye, and I don’t really want to end this letter.  I am infinitely grateful for your role in my life, which to you would have been but a dot in the many, many lives you touched, but to me is one of the greatest gifts I have been given on this planet.  

Second star to the right and straight on till morning, Grandpa.

—from one girl who dares to call herself Spock sometimes— abigail (tgaispock).

LLAP.

Hickies are so fuckin weird like, they’re a bruise? On skin? Created by teeth? But they don’t hurt?

????????????

isnt it HILARIOUS that i wasted time and effort sending cvs to judges only to be graced with an intership at the states attorney office that i didnt even apply for  lmao but yeah pls form an orderly queue i’m giving away kisses hugs and dogs

I went to the pharmacy today...

And she could only give me the pills form of the asthma puff.

She said she doesn’t have the puff, she can’t prescribed either so I’m kinda fked.

She asked me if I had history of asthma since I can barely talk without sounding like a grandma or taking breaks in between. 😭😩

So yeah, she gave me some cough syrup for my phlegm cause my throat’s hurting, I’m trying to catch my breath but then this cough is making it literally the task even harder.
And some eye drops for itchy eyes. I got sinus and yeah, eyes hurts, itch and water like crazy. 😭
And the pill form of ventoline (puff), and she said,

"I think you should go see your doctor to get the puff and check it out."

Either way, I didn’t take panadol/pain-killer (whatever you Americans call it) - paracetamol/acetaminophen.
Cause I figured out that I don’t have a fever, just a bad headache so that wouldn’t be necessary, plus it wouldn’t help with the sore throat and cough either. *face-palm* now I have no idea how am I going to explain my symptoms or whatever it is that I had to him. I mean he’s a psych, not my GP. I feel really funny about this.

But I guess he wouldn’t figure out that I’m really physically sick since I etched him saying, “I’m FEELING sick” god, the word “feeling”, I guess he’s going to take it the wrong way - probably thinking that it’s either mentally or emotionally feeling sick, awful. 😂😂😂

lightgetsout asked:

Hi!! First of all I wanted to say how incredible your artwork is, I apologize it took me this long to follow you! :D Now, qunaributts, officialvarrictethras and I have been working on recording Hightown Funk, inspired by your art. I'd be singing as Varric! I was wondering if I may use one of you Hightown Funk artworks for the audio icon? I'd include a link to the original pieces as well as your blog!

OH MY GOSH YOU’RE FOLLOWING ME? WAIT, LEMME CHECK.

OKAY WOW YOU ARE. THIS MAN WITH HIS GOLDEN VOICE AND GOOD LOOKS IS FOLLOWING ME :0 Have I been blessed by the Maker? I don’t know…

Sorry I took too long to reply! Tumblr only loves me at night. Anyway, HELL YEAH you can use it! I’m humbled that you got inspired by it *blushes* 

kagomes-lover asked:

i cant stop writing yato/kag i need to get back to my other stories send help

i am sorry friend but i am probably the worst person to ask for help bc hearing that youre writing yato/kag is like music to my ears, a beautiful and amazing thing, and i will undoubtedly encourage you instead lmao

OKAY WTF IS WRONG WITH this dress seriously. My sister and I can only see it gold and white, my mom only black and blue and I showed it to my brother and sometimes he sees it black and blue and sometimes he sees it gold and white. HE CAN SEE ALL THE COLORS IM DONE WITH THIS BYEEE

have you ever not liked someone in a romantic way and everything is cool and all then they do something small like touch your shoulder or say something funny and you just kind of freeze and think

oh

oh no

UNUSUAL HOARD commission for matt - isnt this more of an abstract concept oh well

Falcon strikes again.

3

BLACK WIDOW: THE RED ROOM; Reprogramming the human mind is a delicate and complex matter. Much has been made of the Department’s scientific endeavors in the years immediately following the war, less has been made of ethical concerns. Detractors in the future will tend to forget that there is nothing unique about Project Winter Soldier, about forming the perfect tool in order to create the perfect state. Aleksander Lukin and Ivan Petrovitch were inspired, like millions of others, by the American they call Captain. To form a more perfect union, we the people understand that sacrifices must be made. For many to live, a few must— 

Finish the sentence; she bites through her cheek. For many to live, a few must
—? For many to live, a few must— for many to live, a few must— 

For many to live.
Finish the sentence. Finish the mission. Finish the sentence. Finish the— 

A HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY TO ARI: PART I.