So I have kind of a silly question. When I first started dating my gf she was femme and I was (and still am) butch. But recently she's been presenting and identifying as butch but for some reason it makes me feel weird? I still love her more than anything and I'm still attracted to her, so why do you think it makes me a little uncomfortable that's we're both butch? Do you think I'm afraid of how we'll be perceived? Am I afraid I'll have to be the femme now? Sorry again for the dumb question lol
Continued: (Butch anon continued) also sorry if that sounds shallow- I love my girlfriend for her soul and personality in addition to her looks which is why I’m so confused! Also I know this is a ridiculous question but it’s seriously been on my mind so much and I’m afraid to talk about it with her because I don’t want her to think I’m less in love with her or anything because I am not!
Not a silly question at all! Butch and femme identities are a complex thing, especially when it feels like part of the dynamic of your relationship, and when, yes, people might react differently to you.
We don’t have a lot of representation of butch/butch couples. Certainly not in the mainstream. I’d venture a guess, since this doesn’t make you feel any less attracted to or in love with her, then this is definitely something that you are feeling on a social level.
Her feeling like being more butch is truer to herself can feel like a reflection on you, especially if you are a more butch/femme couple, but it isn’t–unless it is the greatest reflection on your relationship there is: that you make her feel more comfortable being herself. You don’t have to be femme at all!
People absolutely might perceive you differently. Straight people often have a lot of trouble with butch/butch couples because, even though it isn’t true, they code butch/femme relationships as different versions of their own relationships. But your relationship has to do with you and your girlfriend, not anyone else’s ideas about how you should look or how you should act.
I would absolutely talk to your girlfriend about this–but starting the conversation at a different point might actually lead to a more fruitful conversation for you both. Tell her something like, “I think it’s really cool that you’ve been exploring yourself and that you’re feeling happy as a butch woman. What made you start feeling this way? What is it that made you start thinking about this? What do you think of us as a couple with two butch women? What is interesting for us to explore two butch women together?”
Ultimately, your girlfriend should be your partner. You have such an interesting journey together in each other’s lives! How incredible is it to get to have another butch woman that you can discuss these things with and that will make sure you aren’t alone in how you feel? What an opportunity you have! Focus on the good and I think that you’ll start to feel way less worried.