aunt marge’s big mistake
*It’s the summer of Harry’s second year and Aunt Marge pays a visit to the Dursleys*
James: *his hands are nervously pulling his hair* Oh for the love of Merlin, Sirius is on fucking Muggle news. He’s not armed or dangerous you bloody morons. He’s a literal puppy.
Lily: He broke out of Azkaban!
James: He didn’t deserve to be locked up in there in the first place. Oh that rat is going to die someday and when he does I’m going to make. him. suffer.
Lily: I have an elaborate plan.
James: *kisses Lily* And that’s why I love you.
Lily: Ugh Marge is coming in. I think I’m going to vomit or something.
James: That.. woman. Oh I have a special place for her, too. Remember how she followed Harry around with a stick in her hand on Duddykins’ fifth birthday?
Lily: I’ll be damned if I forget.
James: Luckily, Harry is fast enough, fast enough to be the youngest Seeker in a cent-
Lily: *rolling her eyes* James
James: *grinning* Sorry, I got caught up.
*Vernon warns Harry about behaving when Marge comes, then Harry asks him to sign the permission slip for Hogsmeade*
Lily: Sign it you son of a–
James: Whoa, Evans!
Lily: What?! He deserves it, he won’t sign it I tell you.
James: I know he deserves it but I need you to stay calm so we can both lose our minds when Marge comes. Please?
Lily: Alright, you are right I guess.
*Vernon tells Harry that they said he was at St. Brutus’s Secure Center for Incurably Criminal Boys to Marge*
James: Fuck you, you bloody wanker YOU ARE AN INCURABLY CRIMINAL B–
Lily: James, what did we just agree to do?
James: *looking down* Keep calm until Marge comes.
Lily: Exactly, you should follow you own advices really.
James: I know, I know.
*Aunt Marge arrives*
Lily: Murder in human form is in the building.
James: I think Duddykins takes after her, look at how they walk. The resemblance is uncanny.
Lily: *giggling* They are like penguins.
*Lily bends over laughing as she watches James do a very convincing imitation of Marge. Marge starts questioning Harry*
James: I want to smother her with a pillow, it’s like he breathes to wrong way, she always has something to say.
Lily: Cane? Do they use a cane? You bloody disgusting piece of GARBAGE.
James: *laughing* Lily he’s making fun of her, the sass he has, he’s like a small Sirius.
Lily: Well Marge can compete with Walburga if you ask me.
James: No one can compete with Walburga maybe that Umbridge woman from the Ministry, do you remember her?
Lily: The one who looks like a toad?
Lily: Wasn’t she the one trying to pass a legislation that would limit every right werewolves had?
James: That’s the one.
Lily: Ugh, you are right, all that pink everywhere.
*Marge: You see it all the time with dogs. If there’s something wrong with the bitch, there’ll be something wrong with the pup –*
Lily: I WILL SHOW YOU WHO’S A BITCH YOU MOTHERFU- JAMES STOP HOLDING ME I CAN’T GO THERE
James: *scared* Feels like you could. Harry NO!
Lily: It’s just a glass, that woman deserves it
James: He’ll get himself in unnecessary trouble, we don’t want him to starve, do we love?
Lily: No we don’t.
*days pass with many problems and shoutings and swears. It’s finally Marge’s last day
Marge (about James):[…]A no-account, good-for-nothing, lazy scrounger who–*
James: Harry DON’T!
Lily: She shouldn’t have said that. She should not have said that.
James: *shouting* Will she ever shUT UP?!
Lily: Bless this boy, he is a literal angel and–
James: An angel who’s blowing Marge up, I was expecting fire or something, this is more fun.
James: He’s not doing it on purpose. Lils! *trying to stifle his laughter* She’s flying out the window.
Lily: UP AND AWAY YOU BITCH!
James: *laughing* We shouldn’t be laughing this hard.
Lily: *laughing* No we shouldn’t but she’s like a freaking dirigible.
*Harry storms out and decides to leave after Vernon comes after him*
Lily: Jamie, please tell me he didn’t just say he was leaving. Where will he go? It’s night time and there are people after him, he’s the bloody boy who lived for heaven’s sake
James: I hope he doesn’t make the mistake of riding his broomstick to somewhere
Lily: After last year’s Ford disaster I’m can’t be sure.
James: He’s walking, oh good, this is good.
Lily: What is so good about him walking in the middle of the night?
James: *angry* I don’t know at least he’s not flying
Lily: Is that big black dog–
James: *excited* Padfoot!
Lily: Sirius Black you are scaring your godson!
James: I can’t believe it. He is a dumbass. All the times I didn’t believe when Moony told me he was an idiot. Bad Padfoot!
Lily: What the hell is Knight Bus?
James: We used it once with the boys, it’s safe– technically speaking.
Lily: Lovely, this is just peachy.
James: *hugging Lily* He’ll get to Leaky Cauldron safely. Now calm down love.
Lily: *breathing deeply* Alright.