but jordan's adorable

“My sister says that I put the Kara in karaoke.”

Oh-kay, Kara.

There is no way in hell that Alexandra “Get Ma A Wrench” Danvers will ever say that in her entire life. Every time they karaoke, it’s probably Kara who says that with the biggest grin ever, Alex facepalms and groans while Winn gives Kara a high-five.

3

Requested by sybil-howlett 

“Does it ever feel like you’re dating the Grimm Reaper?”  Stiles questioned, grinning at you and easily dodging the pillow you tried to throw at him.

“He’s a harbinger of death, not the Grimm Reaper.”  You shot back, catching the pillow as he tossed it back to you.

“But it’s kind of like he’s the Grimm Reaper.”

“Not at all.”

“Just…. imagine it with me.”  He tried, eyes studying your bedroom ceiling as he laid on your bed.  This time he wasn’t expecting the pillow that hit him in the face.

“Nope.”

Old Roderick Heffley- A Nickelodeon Girls Parody

Hello, 20th Century Fox

Hi, sorry to disturb you post production

I have a serious inquiry directed towards Jeff Kinney

My question is WHAT THE FUCKA RE YOU DOING?

You know y’all used to have a fire Roderick

When I watch a movie, I’m trying to see my favorite Roderick

Jasper Jordan? Atom from Adoration? Oh my God

And now all you got is this Charlie Wright

Bruh, I’m not a moron

I’m not trying to look at this guy and get aroused

Now I can’t watch Diary of a Wimpy kid with a finger in my vag anymore

Now I’m fucking upset

This is some fucking bullshit

Jeff Kinney

Bring the old Roderick back

I need the old Roderick, I need the old Roderick

The new guy you’re trying is wack

Jeff Kinney

I’m just trying to sexually function

But now this that you made this big blunder

My orgasms will suffer

Jeff fucking Kinney (Kinney)

This ain’t a fucking game shit

I wanna watch a movie

with my hand on my clit

I wanna see my Heffley

Not fucking this shit

Return Devon Bostik

Or you gon get it bitch


Oh Devon, Oh Devon

I don’t care if you are a distraction

As long as you given me action

And cameras gon’ film the reaction

Your band gonna join in,

And lick me a good one

Old Roderick Heffley

Can’t live without him (whew)

Old Roderick Heffley

I know I’m not too hefty

I can put you in a coma

Have brunch hella deftly (fancy)

My puss put you in a coffin

All night screaming and tossing

Loded Diaper?

I’d be your candy striper


Devon Bostik’s my rock

And y’all better not gawk

You can find me in his bed

Sucking on that cock

Devon B, you’re a little bit crazy

But I’d still have your babies (whew)

Go down like a bitch with the rabies

Y’all can’t save me

Uh, a little bit a weed, hard liquor for the ladies

Got me feeling like a young Jeff Kinney from the 80’s

With a game designer dream and no black Mercedes

I’m playing with the balls like Brady (ay)

Fuck off with the shitty new Roderick with his stupid shit

I wanna see the one with a body fit

And I don’t want to be the one to be a little bitch about it

But I’m just saying what everybody is thinking (hahahahaha)

Where’s that Bostik at?

Jeff Kinney why you ruining your business?

You realize I’d probably buy your movie if you keep all the cast

And the ratings all stable

Cuz I ain’t tryin to see new Roderick looking unable

Cuz I’m not into that Wright boy

I’m not trying to see that shit (c'mon man)

The guy I have sexualized is between being 20 and 30

(Disclaimer!)

I’m just saying you should switch back Roderick

So I can watch after 10:30 (30!)

Jeff Kinney

Bring the old Roderick back

I need the old Roderick, I need the old Roderick

I need the old Roderick back

I love you Jeff Kinney, just please bring him back



anonymous asked:

prompt idea if you want: dex is a nurse at a hospital and nursey is a patient

Being a nurse is not an easy job. Not by far. He spends every minute of every shift on his feet. He’s been puked on, spat on, bled on, peed on, and pooped on. Sometimes all in one day. He’s had to deal with just about everything.

Or so he thought.

Derek Nurse of Room 402 has not puked, spat, bled, peed, or pooped on him. He has, however, hit on him.

It was funny, at first, Derek just coming off an appendectomy, still a little loopy, asking, “Are you an angel?”

Dex had laughed and said, “Nope, I’m a nurse.”

Derek’s, “No, I’m a Nurse!” was a little slurred and a lot cute, and Dex just laughed and got him settled back in the bed before leaving to go check on his other patients.

The anesthetic has worn off now, though, and Derek’s still hitting on him. With his sister in the room. It’s getting weird.

After a particularly creative line about bedside manner, Dex has to ask him if he’s being serious.

“Oh he’s one-hundred percent serious,” Derek’s sister, Jordan, answers for him, “Every time you leave the room he starts talking about how cute you are.”

“Jordan,” Derek hisses.

“You’ve been hitting on him all day, Derek, I think he’s aware that you think he’s cute,” she huffs, “I’m going to the gift shop. Good luck, Der.”

“So,” Dex drawls, getting the cuff out to check Derek’s blood pressure, “You think I’m cute, huh?”

“C’mon, it’s not like I’m the first patient to tell you that.”

“You’re right,” Dex nods, “At least five ladies over the age of seventy have called me cute during my time here.”

“Well did any of them ask you out?” Derek asks.

“No,” Dex laughs, “None of the senior-citizen women asked me out.”

“So I’d be the first patient to ask you out then?” He questions.

“Are you asking me out?”

“I’m trying,” Derek sighs.

“Oh,” Dex breathes out, “Um, yes, then.”

“God, that was sickeningly adorable,” Jordan says from the doorway, fake-gagging. Derek throws the pillow off his bed at her, then winces at the pain that must be pulling in his stomach after a stupid maneuver like that. Dex is a nurse, and he’s not ever supposed to laugh at his patients’ pain, but he kind of can’t help it, here.