but its from cas to dean

Cas finds tumblr
  • Cas: Dean there's this interesting website called tumblr
  • Dean: Cas, stay away from there
  • Cas: *confused head tilt* What is Destiel Dean? It seems popular
  • Dean: Cas no-
  • Cas: Dean I don't understand... what is fanfiction?
  • Dean: *gets up and goes towards Cas* Come on Cas... give me the laptop buddy
  • Cas: The laptop's warning me of smut. What is smut?
  • Dean: *tries to grab the laptop*
  • Cas: *dodges Dean and starts reading* This... this is very explicit. How do they know all this?
  • Dean: Cas we don't talk about that!
  • Cas:
  • Dean:
  • Dean: Wait a minute I don't understand
  • Cas: It's like they've been spying on us Dean
  • Dean:
  • Cas:
  • Dean:
  • Cas:
  • Dean: *eyes widening* Oh Chuck... SAM!
  • Sam: *trying hard not to laugh* What? People like it!
Be My Boyfriend

[ao3]

“Dean, be my boyfriend!” Castiel hissed.

Dean’s attention was pulled away from Charlie (who snorted into her drink) when Castiel grabbed his arm.

“Uh,” Dean said, feeling like he was missing out on some vital information. Castiel’s wide eyes were a little too bright and his cheeks were flushed with pink, indicating that he was probably a little bit drunk, though that still didn’t help clear up the situation.

“Come here!” Castiel dragged Dean by the arm across the crowded room until they stood in front of a short brunette who Dean thought was named Meg. Castiel wrapped his arm around Dean’s waist and squeezed him to his side.

“I told you!” he told Meg triumphantly. “I have a boyfriend!”

Meg looked Dean up and down incredulously. “You’re dating Dean Winchester?”

Starting to catch on, Dean put a possessive arm around Castiel’s shoulders. “Yeah, he is. Got a problem with that?”

Keep reading

Every time its always Dean who ‘makes the call’ to Cas, how Sam knows this is the deal.

Originally posted by yourfavoritedirector

Every time Dean moves away from Sam, or waits for him to go, then calls.

Originally posted by ksenianovak

How Dean was so confused in 10x21 when he picked up Sam’s phone and Cas was calling it. How when they do talk have clearly been on the phone for a while and right at the end, when in front of Sam, Dean switches to the case and ends with a perfunctory ‘ok let us know’ or ‘keep us posted’ (most recent example 12x13) …. 

It reminds me of how open Dean was on the phone with Cas when Sam wasn’t there in 12x02. 

How it’s been shown that they clearly call and text in between those that we see on camera.

It reminds me of his physical reactions, side glancing at Sam when they’re on speakerphone, straightening himself and the conversation out when it might digress because Sam is there…. 

Originally posted by xagaaga

Exactly how he reacted when he was caught off guard and grinning over the idea of cute fluffy koalas and had to immediately pull his face back to neutral once he realised.

Originally posted by itsokaysammy

Yeah, cos they’re like 3 brothers, sure.

It was an accident I swear!
  • Me: *accidentally starts watching supernatural*
  • Me: *accidentally watches 4 seasons in 4 days*
  • Me: *accidentally thinks the dorky Angel and the pie lover are cute together*
  • Me: *accidentally starts shipping my first ship*
  • Me: *accidentally comes across fluff for new found ship*
  • *weeks go by*:
  • Me: *accidentally stays up until 6 in the morning reading smut*
  • Me: *accidentally dedicates 18484939 fan accounts to Destiel*
  • Me: *accidentally falls off bed in the middle of the night over intense feels*
  • Me: *accidentally makes theorise about how it's canon during math class*
  • Me: *reflects of how deep I am in the Destiel trash pit*
  • Me: nO rAgErTs
  • Dean: I like your new pants.
  • Cas: Thanks, they were 50% off.
  • Dean: I'd like them better if they were 100% off.
  • Cas: The store can't just give away clothes for free.
  • Dean: That's not what I meant...
  • Cas: That's a terrible way to run a business, Dean
I just wanted to draw your attention to something I noticed while looking at 7 million gifs of this scene

This is Dean’s reaction to Cas’ “you’re my family… I love you” He’s full of pain, but is looking away because that what Dean does with his emotions.

however

This is Dean‘s reaction to “I love ALL of you.”

Just like us, Dean, has heard the distinction, and realised what that means, that Cas loves him in a manner unique to his love for the other Winchesters.

This is the face of a character who canonically just heard a confession of love. That is a “did he just?” face.

IN ADDITION

This is “you’re my family I love you” moose, with serious sad brows

This is a “why did he just say all of - OOOOOOOOhhhhh.” lightbulb moose (ill admit, its more distinctive on film than still image)

Let the record show that on episode 12.12, at 31:24, both Winchesters had canonically realised that Cas loves Dean - not as a snarky joke from an enemy, not a awkward misunderstanding of human personal space, not just friends - but real love.

It happened. They saw it. We all saw them see it.

It had better be acknowledged.

Meanwhile at the bunker...
  • Dean: Hey Sammy. I've got to talk to you about something
  • Sam: Sure Dean
  • Dean: So it's like this alright... You know how I love pie the best?
  • Sam: Yes I know how you love pie the best
  • Dean: Yeah and I always did since I can remember. And if anybody ever even asked me to eat cake-
  • Sam: You'd throw a bitch fit
  • Dean: I'd politely decline. Shut up Sammy I'm talking. Anyway all my life it was pie and not cake.
  • Dean: But imagine that one day this cake came into my life... this really amazing cake. Like it looks like the most delicious thing to sit on a plate - plucked from God's own dessert tray, if you will.
  • Dean: And I'm like "DAMN! I need to eat this cake right now." And it's not like I don't still love pie, right, like pie is still awesome. But this cake looks so good that I might never eat pie again
  • Dean: I can see myself making sweet love to this cake for the rest of my life
  • Sam: Dean what...
  • Sam: What are you even saying?
  • Dean:
  • Dean:
  • Dean: I might be a little gay for Cas

It’s something he was planning on saying all night but had been trying to hold in simultaneously. Now he says it, like breeze.

“Stay here tonight.”

Castiel turns around and looks at him. Dean thought he’d never see him again, but he’s back. Alive and real and Cas. Dean feels like he’s been constantly out of breath ever since Cas returned that morning, suddenly on the doorstep of Dean’s motel room.

Dean can’t quite seem to settle, unable to keep his eyes from Castiel. One moment, and he could fade.

“Why?” Castiel asks, curious more so than confused.

“Because,” Dean manages, “…because you’ve been gone, alright? You were dead, and we…. I thought we would never see you again. And I-” Dean’s voice falters. He walks over to Castiel and stands in front of him, his eyes gliding over his face. Every inch of him is real, solid, not like the dreams he’d been having. 

Sam and Dean had been getting separate rooms ever since Dean was awake for hours every night and just paced around the room aimlessly. When Dean slept, he’d been having dreams of Castiel being alive and he’d wake up and realize it wasn’t real. He’d rather not sleep than go through that every single night. But this, he wasn’t going to let this be a dream as well.

“Take off your coat, come on.” When Cas just frowns again, Dean does it himself. He slides the beige coat from Castiel’s shoulders and drapes it over the back of a chair.

“Dean, I’m fine with sleeping in the other motel room.”

“I’m not.” Dean rasps. “Please, Cas, don’t go.” Having Castiel around is worth sharing his emotions for. “Not again.”

Cas looks down. He looks different without his trench coat, more human. Maybe he is, in fact, a little more human. Castiel said he isn’t sure, and it’s how he’s been acting all day. Insecure. Dean can feel it whenever he looks at him, and that’s also what scares him.

“I’m sorry.” Castiel looks up to him. “I tried so hard, Dean, I tried so hard to live. For you, for Sam. I tried to stay with you and I failed.  I didn’t come back with a win for you.”

“Cas-” Dean grabs his shoulder, solid and real and warm. He looks in Castiel’s blue eyes and realizes how much he’d actually missed him. “Listen.” He begins unsteadily. “You coming back is a win for us, you hear me? You being here is enough.” Dean’s hand slides from Cas’ shoulder. “It’s all I wanted. And that’s why I want you to stay here tonight.”

“I don’t think I’m following.”

“Come on, Cas! What if you leave tonight and I come into your room tomorrow and you’re gone? What if something happens and you- you are gone for good? What if you die? What if- what if I can’t…” Dean curls his fingers into a fist. “What if I can’t let you go again?”

There’s something in Castiel’s eyes that change. It’s surprise, mostly, surprise and confusion and something Dean only recognizes from very few people in his life.

“The last thing I want is to leave another time,” Cas says. “And I- I understand now.”

Dean nods, suddenly empty where words should be, and swallows.

“Then stay. Come on, bed’s big enough.”

As Dean undresses in the darkness, with Castiel on the other side of the bed, Castiel suddenly speaks.

“Dean?”

Dean turns around, with his shirt almost off but still hanging on his neck and arm. He can’t see Cas’ face, but he can hear his breathing.   

“Yeah?”

“I love you, too.”

Dean - Cas chemistry

So, after this post by @margarittet we and @destielonfire were discussing the chemistry and I wanted to note other non-chemistry versions of these two as a direct comparison to the real, acted, directed and scripted chemistry between Dean and Cas.

Dean - Cas: ultimate chemistry. Lust and passion turns to love and devotion and #married by season 12.

Originally posted by weallneedcastiel

Of course Dean - Jimmy: As @margarittet says, zero sexual / romantic chemistry here, especially from Misha, the guy is such a brilliant actor.

Originally posted by isthemachinesinging

Dean - Emmanuel: Dean has all the angst written all over his face throughout the whole episode, knowing it’s not really Cas, he does have some chemistry towards Cas though it’s not ‘I wanna bang you’ its ‘I want Cas back’ (same as some of the later Crazy!Cas). Misha plays Cas with ZERO chemistry with Dean, until he is Cas again. It’s brilliantly done…

Originally posted by destiel-is-love-cockles-is-life

Dean - Crazy!Cas: Dean’s face before he realises Cas isn’t himself:

Originally posted by teamfrwill

Dean - Crazy!Cas when he realises he isn’t his Cas: Zilch (except for the ‘I just want my Cas back’ looks) until 8x01 when he’s Cas again. 

Cas has zero chemistry with Dean, UNTIL he spends a little time with him, gets to know him again and by the end he offers to go with him even though he said he wouldn’t… it’s not quite falling in love all over again but it does show that in a way, any version of Cas will end up choosing Dean, its so poetic and @margarittet and I are trying desperately to remember as there has to be a story out there with parallel universes, a romantic story throughout the worlds where no matter what version of a person they always fall for the other, I just can’t remember what it is! Anyway, this is probably very relevant for season 13.

Dean - Casifer: Zero chemistry, just pure hatred and resolution.

Originally posted by heytheredeann

UNTIL IT’S CAS again….

Originally posted by bubblemish

This needs no explanation. Jensen’s acting is a gift.

Cas - MoC!Dean: As Dean descends into the mark, the chemistry only comes out when Dean is really DEAN and clearly escaping the mark’s influence such as the burger date:

Originally posted by theywearpink

Otherwise Cas is generally pretty cold, it’s like he can feel Dean’s soul is not the same. Jensen generally acts Dean pretty cold towards Cas (and Sam of course) unless Dean is having a real DEAN moment in the middle of it all. 

eg. 9x22: Cas has literally just given up his whole army for Dean, yet although Dean is softer with Cas than even with Sam, he is still nowhere near normal Dean levels of chemistry with Cas here:

Originally posted by theywearpink

Meanwhile Cas is desperately trying to save him but the chemistry is not the same, all the way until 11x01, when it is back over the phone and 11x03 back in person with a bang:

Originally posted by smiliecas

Anyway basically yeah, it’s not just Cockles, it’s on purpose specifically between Dean and Cas and this is no accident.

Dean had always thought that a good quality comforter was the most luxurious thing to wake up under. But ever since he started waking up like this, his thoughts had changed entirely.

As sunlight gently peeked through the curtains, shining a cautious soft beam of light over the queen sized bed, Dean felt Castiel’s large, black wing loosely drooped over his body. The feathers were softer and warmer than anything a comforter could ever get him, large enough to cover his upper body and part of his legs. He smiled lazily. The feathers brushed against his bare skin as he stretched and moved around to shift closer to its owner.

Castiel lay on his back, his other wing stretched out over the edge of the bed down to the floor, his naked body exposed, blankets kicked aside in his sleep. Dean looked at him from under the wing, his fingers automatically gliding over soft raven feathers and smooth lines, known little bumps and the thicker parts. 

Castiel looked peaceful. His lips were slightly parted as he slowly breathed in his steady rhythm of sleep. Dean lay there for a while, observing Cas as he let the warmth and softness of the feathers embrace him. He caressed he feathers still. Dean had been mesmerized by them ever since Castiel first exposed them. They were huge, majestic, and radiated a power Dean couldn’t compare with anything else. 

And yet, they looked gentle and fragile when Cas injured them and Dean picked out the ruffled feathers. Castiel had taught Dean how to groom them and use the preen oil, an activity Dean found himself to enjoy, often compared with soft chatting. Sometimes a movie would be playing in the background as they sat on the floor and Dean plucked feathers, pressing kisses in the crook of Castiel’s neck. 

Sometimes, Dean would take it a step further with his massages, out to get the little whimpers and groans from Castiel. He’d ended up with a panting, desperate Castiel several times, Dean’s hands full of feathers and his own body filled with arousal.

He loved it all. The quiet moments, the loud ones, the moments when Castiel held Dean with his wing or when they lay on the couch, curled up together with Castiel’s wings wrapped around them. Dean couldn’t get enough of them.

Castiel muttered softly and stirred, his eyes opening slowly.

The wing draped over Dean fluttered and shifted in Dean’s fingers. Cas turned to look at Dean, blinking the sleep from his eyes. The angel smiled.

“Morning sunshine,” Dean whispered and his own lips curved as well. Castiel made a soft noise and shifted closer. He stretched his wings for a moment, then covered Dean with his right one again and pulled him closer with the wrist of his wing.

“Good morning, Dean,” Castiel muttered, his primary feathers rustling. “Did you sleep well?”

“Yeah,” he answered and pressed a sloppy kiss to Castiel’s unshaven jaw. “How couldn’t I, hm?” He slipped his fingers into the pack of feathers carefully, and Cas smiled again.

“You seem to enjoy my wings a lot.” They moved again.

“I think they’re beautiful, you know that.”

Castiel shifted and pulled his wing in, gesturing his head. Dean understood and he got up so Cas could slide his wing under Dean. As soon as Dean sank down into the feathers, Castiel pulled him closer.

Dean’s naked body pressed softly against Cas, covered by the angel’s wing and casting a shadow over their faces.

Dean kissed Castiel’s jaw again, pressed a few more kisses down his neck and shoulder.

The wings replied to the touch, shifting and shuddering when Dean softly nibbled on the skin.

“It’s rare for an angel to show his wings this… casually.” Castiel spoke, his voice still thick with sleep. His eyes were closed again, enjoying Dean’s kisses. “It’s only for… special occasions. And special people.”

Dean looked up and feathers softly brushed over the back of his head and Cas looked back. He softly rested his hand on Dean’s waist. “You’re special, Dean.”

Dean didn’t know how to reply, shy suddenly. He smiled a coy grin and pecked Castiel’s lips.

“Think I’m glad about that.” He muttered, shifting back into the feathers. This was how Sunday’s had to feel, he thought. Calm and peaceful and warm and right.

He found Castiel’s hand and tangled their fingers together.

“Maybe we should get up for some coffee soon. I’m sure Sam’s already awake.” Dean whispered, his eyes closed.

“Probably,” Cas answered. “Just- not yet.”

Dean hummed in agreement and gently slid his free hand through the silky feathers. He didn’t want to think about the case they were working on or the monsters they had to fight. Not yet. Just a few more minutes.

anonymous asked:

One thing I do need from S13 is for Dean and Cas to hug with nobody else around. It's crazy to think it's never happened, there's always been somebody else there. And it's sad to see the way that impacts Dean's reactions. There's always the hesitation, the side-eye to check if the other person is watching, judging. Completely the opposite of Sam's hugs with Cas.

If this happens…. it will basically canonise Destiel cos come on…they just cannot hug and reconcile without it being romantic at this point, so I’m not expecting it too soon tbh.

I say this tongue in cheek but it is kinda true, there’s a reason why they’re kept separated, because every time they’re on their own shit like this happens

Originally posted by faramaiofnerdwoodforest

Originally posted by impalaofgrace

And before the other two snapped Dean out of it:

Originally posted by smileymultifandom

Then the last time they were alone before this was 10x09

Originally posted by inacatastrophicmind

Literally, if you watch the scenes where they’re ALONE in SPN its just looks like an all out romance story.

“Do you ever not watch me sleep?” Dean’s voice is sleep-rough and quiet, though barely piercing the dark solitude of his bedroom. He doesn’t even have to open his eyes to feel Cas lying beside him, gaze fixed on Dean’s face.

“No,” Cas whispers, and Dean inhales when he feels fingers trailing his jaw.

“We’ve talked about this.”

“I know. But yet you seem to enjoy it.”

Dean shifts to make himself more comfortable, rolling to face Cas. He finally opens his eyes, letting them adjust to the darkness. When Cas’s face comes into focus, he smiles – sleepy and sated. A smile reserved only for Cas in these quiet moments, away from the chaos of their lives. “I like knowing you’re here with me. Safe. That’s my favorite thing.”

“What is?”

Dean’s hand closes around Cas’s jaw as he shifts forward to press their foreheads together. He breathes in and lets his lips brush Cas’s before he speaks. “You being safe. I can’t think of anything better than that.”

He feels Cas smile. “I love you, too, Dean.”

13x01 - Episode Review Part 1

In which Dean just about held it together… and I did not. 

This review will be in several parts. I have separated it into several sections that I wish to talk about because hot damn. What an episode! This Part 1 focuses on Dean’s grief and Destiel and saying goodbye to Castiel. 

Firstly, an introduction

As I sit here, surrounded by three friends who I met on tumblr, BECAUSE of this show, I am amazed at how far I have come. I did not think that when I joined this fandom I would ever get to this moment, but my gosh what an amazing feeling this is. To all of you out there – reach out to people, you really won’t regret what you find. 

I adored this episode. I screamed, I even shed a single man tear whilst holding on to @amwritingmeta quite tightly… sorry Annelie if I hurt you at all. @tinkdw, @margarittet and @amwritingmeta you guys are wonderful and I am so glad that I have been able to flail and scream along to this awesome episode with you. Thank you for sharing this crazy obsession with me.

Part 1 - Love, Grief and Saying Goodbye

THEY USED METALLICA’S NOTHING ELSE MATTERS AS THE OPENING SONG! We were two seconds in and @margarittet had to pause because we all collectively SCREAMED that they chose to use this as the open song AS WELL! @tinkdw said that she wanted to try and guess what the opening song was this season but I don’t think ANY OF US considered that they would reuse “Nothing Else Matters” because its just so on the nose isn’t it? Nothing else matters? Nothing else matters than what exactly?

Well once again the “Then” sequence ends on Dean kneeling over Cas’s body.

The answer is Castiel. Nothing else matters than CASTIEL. This is repeated CONSTANTLY throughout the episode. You are not allowed to forget about him for a SINGLE SECOND and this opening song drums that home. Seriously if there are any Cas fans out there still bitter about Cas I dunno what show you are watching because it certainly ISN’T the show I watched yesterday.

It hurts to think about. What even was this episode? From the opening song “Nothing Else Matters” to the “Goodbye Cas” at the funeral pyre, this episode was chocablock full of moments that prove unequivocally that for Dean, Cas truly is his guiding light, his hope. Even if you don’t see their relationship as romantic you cannot possibly deny after 13x01 that Dean and Cas have an extraordinary connection and a deep and profound love that has now transferred to an even deeper excruciating grief in Dean.

Choosing to use this song as the season opener though? The season opener always reflects the tones of the season, the main themes. To have THIS song as the season opening? Wow. Just wow. This is a song that comes up first if you google “Metallica Love Song” by the way. In case you were wondering if it was indeed a love song. Because it is. James Hetfield confirmed it was written for a girlfriend. Interestingly though it has been debated over the years as the lyrics themselves are not conventionally romantic lyrics. Nevertheless, this is now fact: Supernatural used a Love Song called “Nothing Else Matters” to set the tone and theme of season 13, lingering over shots of Dean looking down at Castiel’s dead body. This isn’t even arguable. This is where we are.

(and what a wonderful place to be my friends)

Dean’s grief was beautifully portrayed by the superb acting skills of Jensen Ackles. In my season 13 wishlist I said this:

“It probably goes without saying but MAN PAIN OVER CAS – I mean, I reckon we are gonna get a good helping of this. Maybe not immediate tears but its gonna be pretty damn angsty – if the promo’s are anything to go by. I basically want it to be UNDENIABLE in canon that CAS is the reason that Dean is so broken up and that BOTH brothers are seriously struggling with his death. It has to be OBVIOUS how important Cas was to them and how his death has affected them

I think we can tick this one off. :)

Continues under the cut.

Keep reading

Picture if you will, Jack being faced with a moral dilemma. And in his desperation to come up with an answer he turns to Sam, then Dean, and asks almost pleadingly “What would Castiel do?”

Dean’s immediate response would be to get angry, defensive. “Don’t say his name!” Because Cas was dead and if he didn’t blame Jack then he would find a way to blame himself.And Jack would shift his gaze to the floor, bowing his head, like he was guilty of murdering the Angel himself. But before Sam can tell Dean to “Ease up, he didn't mean anything by it” Jack would raise his head and meet the steely glare of green eyes head on.

“I lost him too.”

And that, well, that would shut Dean up real quick.

anonymous asked:

it's so funny to think of season 4 castiel, angel of the lord, warrior of god, soldier.. is the same being that has received a mixtape from his crush.

Yep. This guy

Originally posted by supernaturaldaily

Originally posted by yourfavoritedirector

Originally posted by wereallfugitives

Originally posted by koryuoftheriverflow

Is also this guy

Originally posted by bridget-malfoy-stilinski-hale

Originally posted by bubblemish

Originally posted by inacatastrophicmind

Originally posted by holy-spn

Originally posted by sunlitcas

Originally posted by findyourownhappyending

Originally posted by jimminovak

And sometimes he mixes the two together and they’re my favourite ;)

Originally posted by mishacolins

Originally posted by casti-lel

Originally posted by stardustcas

Something about Fate

Dean decides to go to a new psychic in town - just for the hell of it, of course - with his roommate Castiel, and doesn’t get the reading he was expecting.

~5.2k

AO3

“Hey, Cas, have you ever been to a psychic?”

Dean watched as Castiel looked up from his book with his eyebrows pinched together.

“No.” A pause. “Why do you ask?”

Dean shrugged.

“Garth texted me. Apparently there’s one in town that he went to yesterday and he’s obsessed. He said she really knows her stuff.”

Castiel raised an eyebrow before returning his attention to the textbook he had sprawled across their kitchen counter, so he could eat and study at the same time - a sight that was not all that uncommon in their apartment.

“Psychics don’t exists, Dean,” he said, matter-of-factly, as he turned the page. “People who claim to be psychic are scammers hoping to draw in the desperate or the gullible. Garth is the latter, I’m afraid.”

“Hey, he’s not -”

“Remember when Gabriel told him that stop signs with a white rim around them were optional?”

Dean rolled his eyes and pulled out a stool on the opposite side of the counter from his roommate.

“Duh, Cas. I know that they aren’t legit. Everyone does. But at the very least they’re supposed to be super good at reading people and then you essentially pay them to tell you what their first impression of you is.”

A small smile crept its way across Castiel’s face.

“I could tell you that for free, you know.”

Dean flipped him off as he got up and pulled out an apple from the refrigerator, not even bothering to look back as he did so.

“Whatever. I think it could be kind of cool.”

“Then by all means…” Castiel wrote something down in a notepad and flipped to the next page. “I think you should do it. I have free time tomorrow if you’d like to find this psychic then.”

Dean tossed the apple between his hands.

“You’d come with me?”

“Of course. I would never miss the opportunity to witness someone predicting your death.”

Castiel laughed as Dean flipped him off again.

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

word prompt: uncertain

Dean picks up the pages, testing their weight in his palm. There aren’t just a few. There are a lot.

He looks at the door, certain he shouldn’t be here, but uncertain that he can bring himself to leave. It’s an accidental find, really. He’d come into Cas’s cabin expecting him to be stoned, or high. Instead, Cas was gone. Instead, on the floor, ripped and spread out like a deck of cards were the journal pages.

Gingerly, Dean separates one from the stack. One that had Dean’s name written in cursive along the outer fold.

He skims the page realizing they aren’t exactly journal entries, per se, but more a place for one sentence thoughts.

-What’s a Vulcan? Dean called me one today.

Dean smiles.

-Dean asked me again if it’s hot in my trenchcoat. I keep telling him angels don’t feel cold. It’s strange to me that he keeps forgetting.

-Sam is acting off. I’m suspicious of his activities and hope that he isn’t drinking–

Dean lets that page fall away. He grabs another with the year 2013 at the top. He scans it, pushing down the guilty feeling in his stomach at prying.

-I broke my leg today. Dean said it’ll probably heal up in a day or two. But I know. I’m human now.

2009:

-I flew back to the park bench again. Sometimes I like to look at the trees or the children playing. It reminds me Dean used to be a child once. Did he ever get to play at a park?

2013

-Dean’s been gone for two days on a supply run. He might be dead or a croatoan now. I’m useless to help with my broken leg. I tried Vicodin for the first time. It almost made me forget how much I worry about him when he’s gone.

2009:

-A Vulcan is an emotionally repressed, logical and stoic creature in the fictional world of Star Trek. I don’t find the comparison particularly amusing.

2012

-Dean smiled today. I haven’t seen that in a long time. He has a beautiful smile.

2011

-The world is coming apart at the seams, but I’m slowly finding understanding coming together for me. There is something different in Dean than the way I feel towards Sam. It leaves me feeling unsettled and raw. I want to look at Dean. To be near him. Instead, I’m reminded about “personal space.” I wish I knew why I can’t touch him. I wish I knew why I want to.

Dean’s hands become slack as he realizes that his name found its way to almost every page of the entries. Sometimes it’s Cas venting that he was pissed at Dean. Sometimes they are simply questions about things he didn’t understand.

But then Dean thumbs to the handwritten pages at the back. Even without the confirmation of the dates, he can tell they are more recent by the way that Cas’s handwriting has started to lose its neat quality over the years, morphing into the messy scrawls Dean recognizes now.

The entries in 2014 are simpler, too, some of them filled with only disjoined words:

-Freckles

-Green eyes

-Small patches of hair that stick up in the back

-His laugh

-His smile. Always his smile. Even if it’s just in memories.

Dean squints, his mouth falling open slightly as he hears a sound behind him. He turns. Cas’s face is surprisingly calm for someone who’s caught another person rifling through his entries.

Cas walks over, his tiny limp that he still carries from his broken leg noticeable, if only to Dean. He lightly holds out a hand and Dean drops the papers in them with a guilty look.

Then, licking his lips, Cas begins to read.

“Caring. Stubborn. Beautiful.”

Clearing his throat, Dean braves a look at Cas.

“You’ve been writing these a long time,” he whispers.

Cas nods, smiling fondly as his thumb rubs across a passage he’s found.

Dean glances at it:

-I told him once when he was sleeping. I know it’s not the same, but I needed him to know.

Silence.

“I couldn’t look at them anymore,” says Cas, gripping the paper tightly as it starts to crumple from the pressure.

Very carefully, Dean pulls the papers from Cas, dropping them to the ground. He moves his hand to Cas’s jaw, touching it with one finger, then his full hand as Cas closes his eyes, relaxing into it.

“So tell me now,” Dean says. “I’m awake. Tell me now.”

Cas’s eyes open with a flutter.

“I love you,” he says without hesitation.

Dean leans in, kissing Cas lightly on the lips, tasting the salt of his humanity on his tongue.

They stand on the pages of their past, kissing deeper, as if finding each other again after years of being lost.

Holding each other, Dean presses his ear against Cas’s, relishing in the warmth he finds there.

“I love you, too,” he says.

Dean surprises everyone when he hands Cas the iPhone, brand new in its pristine white box. The angel is overwhelmed; he knew his flip phone was outdated but this…

“And wait,” Dean smiles, grabbing another package from the bag. “I haven’t even shown you the best part yet.”

They’re headphones, large ones in a big box and a little plastic container of smaller ear buds. They both have the label Shure on the side, a fact that has Sam’s hazel eyes wide and Castiel blushing under the lavishness of the gifts. “Dean, I don’t need–”

“I know,” Dean says. His smile, though hesitant and shy, is beautiful. “I, uh, I wanted to. ‘Sides, can’t have you listening to shitty tunes on shitty headphones, y'know?”

The phone has already been set up, a fact Castiel is eternally grateful for. The angel watches as Dean explains how the device works, tapping at the screen and plugging in the huge headphones and carefully placing them over Cas’s ears. Castiel flinches in response: “Sorry.”

“Nah, don’t worry about it,” Dean replies. His smile is brave and fake, and Cas hates it. He wishes he could relax. He wishes he could stop being anxious and sad. But ever since he expelled Lucifer and killed Amara, things have been—different. Loud noises make him jump, unexpected touches make him cringe and flinch, and he often loses himself in his own thoughts.

“Hey, here, I wanna show you something.” This time, Dean warns him before touching him, his calloused fingers smoothing over his arm as his other hand hovers over the phone. “I’m gonna press play, okay? You’ll like it, I promise.”

With the knowledge that the song will be a surprise, Castiel tenses up, his shoulders almost touching his ears. He nods and bites his lip, almost to the point of blood.

Dean’s green eyes become dull and worried in response, and the hunter gives a little nod of his own. He presses play. Cas flinches pre-emptively.

And then it’s just… alright. Good, even.

In the place of music, the sound of rain filters through his headphones. It’s a little bit of a shock at first, he has to turn the volume down because the bouts of thunder make him jump, but after a while, it becomes—relaxing. The sound is repetitive, soft, the thunder is low and grumbly, and it soothes Cas until he’s comfortable enough to slump in his seat. Dean, who at some point has sat down beside him, easily takes Castiel’s weight against his shoulder. When he wraps an arm around the angel, Cas doesn’t even flinch.

Soon after, the rain changes to the hum of a washing machine, but instead of another ten minutes of blissful white noise, the sound is soon interrupted by something sharper. It’s still a low sound, though, and with how relaxed Castiel is, the angel doesn’t startle.

It’s Dean.

So, uh, hey Cas, it’s me. Ah… Dean.

A smile begins to creep across Cas’s lips.

Shit. Fuck, of course it’s me—um, yep. So, it’s Dean. And I just. I just wanted to talk, I guess. I know it’s been kinda, uh, tough since you got back, and I know we don’t talk about it, but I’m… I’m worried, Cas. And I know I’m a coward. And I know I’m probably bein’ selfish right now, but it’s killin’ me to watch you waste away to nothing, man. I, ah, I love you too much for that. Like, I love you a lot, a-and—fuck. I’m not… doin’ this right.

Look, what I, I guess what I’m tryin’ to say is that… I don’t care why you did it. I don’t. I care about you, Cas. And if you don’t love me back, that’s cool, and if you do, well… A shaky breath. Well, then, we move at your pace. But you’re all I care about. You gotta believe that.

Kay, um, well, I love you.

Okay.

Uh, bye.

Cas doesn’t know he’s crying until Dean is wiping at his cheeks, freckled skin drowning in ruby red warmth as the hunter coos and hushes him. Castiel grasps Dean’s wrists tightly and carefully leans in, his breath shaky and laboured and nervous before he presses the sweetest of chaste kisses upon the other’s lips. Immediately after, Cas buries his face in Dean’s neck and hugs his hunter tightly. “Thank you,” he breathes.

Dean’s small, relieved smile presses against the top of Castiel’s head. “Yeah, god, anytime, Cas,” he breathes. “L-love you.”

It takes a handful of seconds before Cas can gather up the air to answer—before he’s absolutely certain this is real. Fingers twisting in the material of Dean’s shirt, the angel nods, throat clicking with his swallow. His lips part.

“Love you.”