but it was too funny

me, a lesbian, mistaking a nice twink for a nice butch lesbian: [gives him the lesbian nod]

him, a twink, mistaking me for a twink: [gives me the gay once over]

me, a sensitive dyke: [calls an uber and spends the whole time misty eyed, wondering why this nice butch would look me over like i wasn’t a HUMAN BEING, like i was something to be gawked at. i ignore my Uber driver’s attempt at small talk, staring out the window and questioning everything i know about life, meaning, and the pursuit of lesbianism]

him, a confused gay: [stares at the space this twink just vacated, completely floored. a nod. does he think this is a game. does he think this is a joke. this isn’t a PTA meeting where you nod at your old friend but also secret enemy Brenda from across the room. was i not even worth the once over. have i lost my game. what does this mean]

okay so I was browsing a store online with a bunch of overwatch merch and they had this collection of wallets with characters and their quotes and

‘oeath walhs among you’
I almost didn’t notice 
but strap yourselves in ‘cause it gets better
(also I’ll add a caption under all of them in case they’re too hard to read)

‘lets otopthe aeat’
you heard him, everyone

‘one shor
one hill’

‘a inrooe perror arco’
what 

‘love love’???? idk I can’t read that shit

‘trueself is wnhout form’
apparently words too

‘bettle continues’

‘gravmy hills’
I don’t even know Zarya’s voice lines well enough to know what this is supposed to be but I’m pretty sure it’s wrong

‘rrs high noon’
rrs high noon somewhere in the world

‘awwwwwwwww’
same

‘marhe avyhe oragon’
almost got the dragon right, come on you can do it

‘justicerain ffomaaove’
looks like someone sleep-drunk

‘ican do tms yitn all my eyes closed’
yea you heard it right ALL my eyes closed

‘rhllo rcriverco’
what even
?????

‘heros never one’

‘from oroer oring hermony
from light inro buings’
oh my god

‘I ma one-man’
you sure are

‘preoue oont rrove’
why

‘cheer love
the cavalry’s here’
OH MY GOD THEY DID IT THEY GOT IT RIGHT I’M SO PROUD OF THEM


and now a bonus:

plot twist
Reaper’s actually Tracer

a rant

i don’t even know where I’m going with this because this happened to me 10 minutes ago but i need to RANT 
i was walking down the street minding my own business with my headphones in (UNIversal ‘don’t talk to me or i will fight you’ signal) and this guys comes up to me and tells me he thinks I’m pretty i accept the compliment and get ready to leave but then he introduces himself i shake his hand (and he doesn’t let go for about 45 seconds - red flag numero uno) and then starts small talking w me so i go along he then asks me- wait not EVEN asks, he just takes my hand to move me to the side of the sidewalk almost into an alleyway at this point I’m like no thanks i have somewhere to go he then insists i stay and I’m like haha really no i am afraid for my safety and then he just asks me if I wanna go back to his hotel room????

you know those “i have a boyfriend” memes? picking fun at girls who always think guys are hitting on them? there is a reason girls are so fast to fend off certain people, it’s to avoid situations like THIS. Because i was talking to him he interpreted it as me being interested in him?? 

so from now on whenever a stranger approaches me in the street wanting to say anything to me u best believe the first words out of my mouth will be NOT INTERESTED BYE THANK YOU THOUGH


EDIT: 

i am laughing 

*loses Steve in a store*

Dustin: don’t worry I got this guys

Dustin: *uses hand as microphone* “oh Steve’s hair? Yea he uses-”

Steve: u little shit I will disown u right now

Houses as things I overheard while hiking
  • Gryffindor: "I went off the trail and scaled a steep cliff by accident but the view was amazing. Worth dying for? I don't know, because I didn't so I want to say yes."
  • Hufflepuff: "Stop hopping? You're the one who told me to be one with nature. So I'm a bunny. Hop hop hop."
  • Ravenclaw: "I learned something about myself today. I learned that my body can undergo a lot more torture than I ever expected."
  • Slytherin: "I would totally do this again, but I'm not into self endangerment or masochism. I've had enough exercise to last a lifetime, thanks."