but it makes me happy right now so i dont really care

I miss him. My best friend. He used to be in such a bad mental state. I’m happy he is better now. He moved couple thousand miles away, we only talk every once in a while. He’s much happier now. I’m happy he is happier now.
Whenever I was going through an episode (of anxiety) he would do a card trick and try to make me laugh. Now, my wrist are hurting and I’m crying. I could really use a card trick right about now.
And maybe that is selfish, to want to rip him from his happy world so I can have someone again. Everything just hurts and I could really use a hug or distraction.
I’m so bad at reaching out to get help, but oh well.
—  Excerpt from an unformal letter addressed to no one

I’m really lucky like my boyfriend has been doing everything for me while I recover and he’s so sweet and caring and doesnt guilt me that I can’t do much right now he’s been cooking dinner and making smoothies and just goes above and beyond to keep me happy and make sure I dont hurt myself doing too much I’m really blessed to have him

something that really sucks is that even though im like, totally comfortable and happy with my sexuality, and im totally content with how i am and all, i still cant help but think people are gonna get sick of me, yknow? like, im totally happy rn and i dont think for a second itd happen but what if i just cant put enough into my relationship? like while i was away w my sister nd my friend they were both questioning it and asking me how can i be in a close and fulfilling relationship if im not having sex because its like the highest point?? or smth?? but like, its just put a doubt in my mind now like what if i cant give him what he wants because im so repulsed? i wanna make him happy yknow and right now he seems to be happy and thats literally the best thing i cant express how much i love to see him smile and its wonderful but how the hell do i know what the future has? i mean is that what all non-ace people think? i dont know its so weird but i just dont wanna lose him hes too fucking precious and wonderful and wow

It’s probably the fact that I let my GPA get so low that i dont even care anymore. And i think that’s okay… It makes me sick realizing it. Im a mess, well in a scholarly manner. But i guess i feel alive when it comes to everything else. If I was in a different place id be thinking about a different set of problems, so here it’s fine.

Just earlier today I was thinking about being able to accept the full spectrum of emotion without being overwhelmed. It’s admirable to think about, but being faced with my own emotion that i might label as negative has made me realize it’s never going to be easy. It’s constant vigilance. And life is always up and down! I think it’s about accepting that right now.

Even the thought of the pursuit of happiness is fairly fruitless. My happiness cannot exist without my melancholy, my anger and my sadness. And really i should feel blessed to have such a wide range of emotions.

If i give myself any expectations at all ill be let down. So, blank slate then. A twist to a usual theme. The way i organize my thought seems confusing. This is really just an exercise! Or an exorcise? It helps me to go off and make no sense, or to make some sense but sound like a high on my throne philosophy prick the whole time.

Im not going to give up. I will change myself and ill be okay when im tht way. im okay now too. I want to let something out though! Im slowly escaping the role i put myself in.

tLk to me whenever it’s convenient and ill do the same. talk to me if you really want to. if not im just getting in the way. empathy lol, jk

this post is not about you, this is about my insides and trying to solve a puzzle. dont hurt yourself by insinuating they are meant for you. cause i can be that way, so i only assume it’s the same for others

thanks for listening to this late night monologue, it’s refreshing to feel something new

everytime i feel something new i say wowza! this is scary but also cool

ok bye

anonymous asked:

Wait, what? You have to go to the doctor! Do you have blood tension issues? Or anemia? Aigoo, don't tell me these things, I feel bad because I want you to stay happy and healthy. ㅠㅠㅠ When you feel better we can cook together and make a delicious meal! ^^ Don't worry abour me, I am taking good care of myself and I am healthy and positive as always, so I can provide other people more energy and happiness!~~

i always go to the doctor! dont worry! i get my blood drawn multiple times just to check on my health^^ all i know is that i have anemia but i will get better hopefully!!!  ♡

and dont feel bad!! dont even worry!! im getting better!! ah.. hansolie is cute when hes worried!  ♡~

we should make… bulgogi ! it sounds really delicious right now! Im happy to hear that youre doing really well! please continue to be happy^^

oh!! i was wondering if you wanted anything for valentines day!!! its almost the 14th and i would love to get you something!  ♡

anonymous asked:

I hope your unexpected day off was nice! I know I ask this a lot occasionally, but what are some things in your life that are going well right now, and what are some that are bad?

No thats okay I like answering things like this! ahh lets see some nice things are that ive been furthering my writing a lot lately and ive been trying to talk to people more and be on the internet less (and succeeding???) Some bad things are that im p sure im in deep with feelings for somebody I probably shouldnt like. It started out light and refreshing but kinda got me fucked up now whoops. Oh well Im sure everything will work out soon. Ty for this youre such a sweet really 

So you probably wonder why right?

Why sad? There never will be a good enough answer to why,
I have fanily anfriends that care, roof iver my head, cloths on my back etc, so shouldnt i be happy about that?
I get judged like so much i dont get why ive never really any harm to anyone growing up, when i tried making friends othey just laugh at me or run away from i would just doodle in my sketch book at all times when it was free time or i would read books they were my only friends was books and a pen,during break i spend my lunch alone eatting in the bathroom stall crying, reccess iff try joining ppl but they ran and laughed at me called. Me a loser
I look really weird as well im iguily guly and it sucks beecause ill neve be soceitys hot and sexy i wanna be pettier like i ised to be now im clearly not ever gonna get that, i get judged based arlund my parents only bc there young apparently thts bad i even go to the gum once in awhile guess it sorta helps
When id have lunch alone in tthe bathroom stall crying i loon at my paprr brown bag and smile bc my mon alwayd wrote i love you on it, it can be very awakrs standing next to my sisters bc there all models looking while im here like woo im ugly and different, in wchol i was so invisible nobody ever noticed me, jf be gone for 3 weeks and it was like they were oarting about it, onetime thhis guy was like “wait whos stef?” I was like me…
Gr8. Is the year did weed it took area everything exoect when ive met quinn he atleast wanted to be ny friend i jus never will understand why , why everyone hates ne so much when i honestly didnt. Do anything to anyone..
Lastly ill mention this
Ill never be good enogh for anyone there will always be some one way better then me , im just so useless and a waste of time, im annoying, needy, who cares about me,
I cant even sleep at night because it feeks lik i am being watched and yheres evil in the room i see shadows and i csnt move or speak and i get touched when i can finally talk or move nothings there anymore
Ill finish there tho i dont wanna say to much
I wanna leave a mystery behind

Now look at what you lost.

I’m sorry I was so pushy. Really. I know you’re not responsible for my feelings and I dont want you to be. If I am to admit my part in this it’s that I was too pushy and scared you. I do that often. I’m sorry because I was happy and we had a good thing. So fond memories, but fare fucking well. Your callous attitude will no longer be tolerated.
Knowing my love is good feels good though. I thought for so many years it is was poison. But I’m a sweet caring dedicated individual for the right people. I’m sorry I just kept trying to make you the right person. Yes, I’ll lose the weight.
Yes I’ll have the surgery.
Will you eat your heart out? Yes. And I will be happy because you made me cry for caring about you.
You’ve rejuvenated my soul so I’m so grateful. But I am sunshine and chamomile.