Hey lj, I want to ask for advice. Its really stupid, but it has been giving me trouble for some time now and I dont know what to do. I have been having thoughts of how none of my friends really like me, that they just tolerate me, that Im a nuciance. And whenever I study and get something wrong, I call myself an idiot and similar phrases. I start crying and breathing harder(just a bit)and it takes a bit to calm down. I hate burdening anyone with this stupid problem but I dont know what to do.
Hey sweetie! It’s definitely not stupid, let me start there. *hugs* I’m no expert but I’m happy to offer what help I can!
First thing to know, what you’re experiencing is very normal. I know that doesn’t really fix it, but know that you’re by far not the first person to ever worry if your friends don’t actually like you, or to feel like you’re stupid because you get something wrong.
These kinds of thoughts and feelings are often called “intrusive thoughts.” Sometimes they’re big, like “why don’t we just jump off this bridge since we’re here,” and sometimes they’re smaller but more insidious, like the ones you’re having– “your friends don’t like you,” “you’re annoying,” or “you’re stupid.” They’re just as false, but they’re worse in a lot of ways because they are based in your own fears and insecurities, so they feel more real.
The thing is, they’re not. They’re the product of disordered thinking. You may be suffering anxiety or depression (or some combination of both). Or you may just be stressed or going through a rough time. Both of these things are completely valid, by the way! And neither is fun to deal with, but there are some strategies to employ to help get rid of them!
1) Since you’re writing to me and addressing me as LJ, I assume you’re one of my fander friends, but even if you’re not, go watch the Sanders Sides “Anxiety vs Logic” again. There are actually some really good techniques in that one for ignoring your overly-anxious thoughts, or recognizing them as they occur. Off hand, I’d say you’re experiencing “jumping to conclusions” and “magnifying” so pay particular attention to the strategies for both of those.
2) When you find yourself saying nasty things about yourself, try pretending that someone you hate is the one saying it to you. Then you can reply and tell that person how much they’re wrong. Not to get too political here, but for me, someone like Richard Spencer or Trump would be incredibly effective. I’ll argue anything that plops steaming out of their respective mouths, the fuckers. Ahem. Excuse me.
3) A gentler method is to treat your anxious or frightened thoughts as an anxious or frightened character. Virgil is actually a fantastic tool for me–when my anxiety starts acting up a lot, I pause and say things to myself like, “It’s okay, Virgil” or “uh oh, Virgil’s worried about me again.” That works better for anxiety than for meaner thoughts, I guess? But it’s still effective for some!
Most importantly, though, is if you find yourself constantly sad or anxious, seek assistance if you’re able. Tell a parent, friend, teacher. See a doctor if you can, and start taking meds if you haven’t already (or see about adjusting your meds, if you’re already on them. Medication doesn’t ‘fix’ everything all at once, and sometimes it takes time and effort to find a dose or a type that really helps you. Don’t be afraid to tell your doctor if your current meds aren’t working!)
Bottom line: you have worth and value all on your own. No matter what. When you start thinking about your friends not liking you, pause and give yourself 10 reasons why they do. Why you’re a likable person. If I start thinking, “People hate me because I’m fat” or “people hate me because I’m disabled” I’ll pause and say, “Okay, yes. I’m fat and I have a disability, BUT. I also work to be kind, and I love making people laugh and I’m pretty good at putting people at ease, and I cry every time at the opening of Oliver and Company so clearly I’m not a heartless asshole,” etc. Seek your own intrinsic worth, and remember that it’s real! It will be easier to accept the thought that your friends do value you when you remember to value yourself.
And as for intelligence: the whole reason for study is to figure things out that you don’t know. It’s okay to get things wrong! That’s how you learn! And it’s also okay to accept your own limitations. I’ll never be good at math. I just won’t. My brain doesn’t work that way, and numbers baffle me most of the time. But I’m very good at grammar, and linguistics! I instinctively understand things about sentence structure and English that some other people may struggle with. Knowing your strengths will allow you to bolster your own self-confidence when you’re approaching a topic that might not be one of them.
So the TL/DR version of this response is: You are valuable, you’re not wrong for feeling bad sometimes, it’s okay to seek help, and it’s okay to know your own strengths and weaknesses!!
The only thing ‘I get it’ about Manuel and Kara been together is because he covers her “physical” needs since she can not hurt him (like breaking him nose when they kiss …) as supergirl, the identity she use when she’s with him (Kara tells him that with Supergirl and having him is enough for her) and Lena covers her emotional needs like supporting, validating, respecting her… as Kara Danvers, that’s why i thinks she feel “complete” with both because they combinate make the perfect couple, someone who support, listen, respect her (Lena) and she does not fear to hurt physically with her powers (Manuel)
So I think there will come a point where Kara will realize that Lena is with whom she really is in love with because they really care, support and respect each other and that’s is the most important in a relationship.
lokgifsandmusings: The wickedly talented A^3 has completed another MBTI analysis, this time a requested one on Suyin and Kuvira. This is a great read, and it really goes along so well with scottpaladin‘s essay
Kuvira and the Great Rejection. The Suyin section also unpacks the Lin/Suyin relationship in a very engaging way. Seriously, a must-read!
Suyin: ENFJ (Fe-Ni-Se-Ti)
Fe-doms are warm, devoted, and persuasive people. They excel at maintaining the delicate balance between individual and collective needs. Because of Ni, they tend to focus on people’s personal or spiritual growth. This makes them drawn to adopting ideals or theories that help people live more fulfilling, authentic and harmonious lives. Suyin obviously held strong utopian ideals and used them to build Zaofu culture; she believed that everyone possesses unique talents which should be used to contribute to the community. Her driving goal was to create a space where people were free to explore their potential, and this meant that she was suspicious of authoritarian structures (see: conflict with Lin).