anyway. fam. i had the longest bath earlier (accidentally almost gave myself a weird panic heart racing thing????? whatever we live and let live) with this lush bath bomb thing and i was listening to tnaf and i was thinking about how i actively felt sorry for e for a while there, despite the damage she’d done, just wondering if she was dealing okay with how it went down, even though it was all her doing.
and then i realised i don’t, anymore. i don’t.
and not in a way like i want her to hurt. i was resentful of them both for a while there, that they didn’t get to hurt – the bullies, the perpetrators, can convince themselves they’re right. they don’t need to hurt for long. and i was in agony and i resented them so fucking much for that.
but i think i just don’t care anymore.
i have bad days. lord, do i have bad days. but i have the most amazing family, and extended family who are literally driving in from all over the state to help me move into my first place, and i have incredible friends, both in real life and online, and they never make me hate myself and we communicate properly and it’s healthy!!! and i’m going to therapy, and i’m taking long baths in nice smelling stuff and taking care of my appearance and eating what i want and just
i think it’s hit me, is what i’m saying.
i have bad days, but i’m thriving. they’re set-backs, not total collapse.
i have so much. i have incredible grades, lucrative opportunities. friends, family, a girl. DOGS. i have all these new opportunities and i’m making friends and being weirdly set up with people (don’t ask) and i’m moving out into a house with my best friend and a dog and a queer guy and i’m maybe moving into joining this kind of famous podcast and i’m writing!!!! my words are coming back!!!! and i’m moving up the chain at work, and i’m slipping back into an internship and going to pick up another one this semester, and i’m just openly being bi, and.
i don’t feel bad for her anymore.
i just feel regret that i didn’t see her toxic – no, their toxic – influence sooner.
because i’m free, and i’m thriving, even if it doesn’t always seem like it. i had nothing last year and they had me thinking i’d go back to nothing, but instead i have so much and i’m only getting more.