AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHey gamers, Gaijin the Fucking Epic Goomba Here, and today do i have a treat for you fellow Nihongo Enthusiasts
iit turns out, they make the SUPER MARIO games in Japan, our favorite land of anime. that’s right! our plumber’s not so Italian after all. and it turns out these epic developers at Nintendo of Japan put in some Japanese stuff in their video game! fucking INSANE am i right? BUCK GODDAMN WILD. ALL THE JAPAN, ALL THE TIME! HUAOHHAHHAHAHHAHEEEEHEHEHEHE
why won’t karen answer my phone calls? they’re my children too, karen! you only got custody because of the misandrist court system! give me back my children! little kunoichi and sakuya! let me have them back, karen! you can’t take my kids! you can’t! give them back to me! i’ll take them back if i have to! i’ll do WHATEVER IT TAKES
anyway that’s all the time we have tonight, gamers! be sure to rate, comment, and subscribe this video for more epic Japan references! and don’t forget to donate to my Patreon dot com to help me pay for my lawyer so i can give that nasty woman Karen the payback she deserves! the ringing in my ears won’t stop. it won’t go away. please god make the ringing stop. let me see my kids again, God.
Summary: You’re out with your boyfriend at a party, celebrating their latest win in an awards show. All the famous people are there and everyone’s drinking and having fun…Your abusive (Mentally and/or physically) ex turns up however - as they are part of a famous group also, but your boyfriend doesn’t like them due to how they treated you. Your ex tries hitting on you, but your boyfriend has other ideas.
Disclaimer: There are elements of abuse, mental and physical. There isn’t a lot, but they are still there. So just a warning.
Jin: You were stood by the drink stand whilst Jin had gone to talk to a bunch of people who had congratulated him on his win with the boys. As you stood there, you were suddenly tapped on the shoulder and you turned around “(Y/N), it’s been a while.” said the familiar face. You knew you’d see your ex today, but you didn’t think he’d speak to you
I really do love writing about Dick. Hopefully this is alright! Sorry for taking months to get this prompt written. Thank you for your compliment although at this point, I’m not even sure if I still deserve it but thank you, nonetheless! Hope you enjoy reading this.
p/s: to my dear faithful followers, I would really love to hear from you, guys! How have you guys been doing? I feel like I have a lot of stories to catch up on and a lot of requests to go through too but I am working on them so no worries on that.
to my new followers, hi, guys! thank you for following.
you are supposed to be having fun with your boyfriend.
you are also supposed to be a better person – a better you.
you are not supposed to react visibly upon seeing him.
your heart is not supposed to lurch painfully and race at the sight of him in
his wonderful, clean-cut, suit.
were the rules you told yourself to abide tonight.
tonight, within the span of fifteen minutes, you have broken all the rules and
you did the one thing you are really good at and that is to put on a convincing
fake smile and try to go about the night as if nothing is wrong.
would have been able to do this successfully if you are not approached by Dick
when you walked out of the bathroom. You probably should have seen this coming;
in fact, this has been a long time coming. You abruptly stop walking but you
know that even if you try to go back into the toilet, Dick probably saw you already.
nods his head at you, face void of any smile and you return his greeting with a
curt nod. “We need to talk.” He tells you and you could not help but shiver at
the sound of his voice. Before you can even reject his offer, Dick stalks off
and having known him since he was a kid, you know it would be very futile to
try and outrun him so you follow him, admiring how well he looks from behind.
(A man in suit has always been your weakness but Dick in a suit, it is a whole
almost crashed into Dick’s back when he stopped suddenly. He turns to look at
you and motion for you to take a seat at one of the ottomans. He must be
familiar with the venue to know about this place – it is not that far away from
where the dinner is going on and it is not too out in the public for the talk
you know is bound to happen.
as you made yourself comfortable, Dick turns to really look at you. There is
this unreadable emotion in his eyes as he stares at you. It almost makes you
feel uncomfortable. “Why did you start avoiding me, Y/N?” He asks and you didn’t
even have to strain to hear the hurt in his voice.
immediately look away from him. “Where do I start?” You mumble to yourself. It
has been a few months since you last talked to him or even entertained any of
his texts and calls. Even if Dick is a really great detective, unfortunately for
him, you are better at hiding and you have the tendency of not being found when
you do not want people to find you.
crosses his arms as he takes in the sight of you. “How about from the start?”
He grunts. Seeing you again tonight after those few months of not having you
around really did a number on him – he missed talking to you about menial things,
he missed hanging out at your place and binge-eating whatever pizza the both of
you decided to order those nights; in short, Dick really missed you a lot.
Seeing you tonight brought back a lot of emotions that Dick was not prepared
for and one that stood out the most was the jealousy that burned within his
chest, clawing at his heart when you introduced your boyfriend to everyone. “Or
you can tell me the truth too, either works.”
quick search told him nothing is amiss with your boyfriend; an elementary
school teacher, clean record, rather filial – something he never thought you
would settle with and it irks him. It makes him a little bit annoyed too which
is why he had decided to corner you when he saw you made a move to head to the
truth?” You hum in response as you ponder your next sort of actions. Telling
him the truth would be akin to opening the Pandora box and that is something
you do not know if you are ready to deal with but at the same time, trying to
skirt around the problem will also not help you too.
Dick calls out your name with the softest tone that has ever left his mouth and
this causes you to look at him. Dick runs his hand through his hair, ruffling
it a bit before sitting on the ottoman beside yours, his body facing you. “Can
you at least please tell me what is wrong?” He gulps the lump that appeared in
his throat and wrings his wrists.
I’ve got a work Christmas function on Monday, it’s Hawaiian themed, and I have spent ages trying to come up with something that isn’t culturally innapropriate to do. I’ve got a pair of pants with a bird of paradise print on them, so I figured I could do some all out make up in bird of paradise style, and maybe put a few birds of paradise in my hair if I find a florist with them on the day.
Tonight I had my makeup test run to make sure I could pull it off, I knocked this out in about 10 min without much forethought, so I think I’m good. Ill be wearing a small black top so I’ll have the makeup and pattern going down my chest and onto my arms, so it’ll take a lot lot longer on the night. But I think I’m alright to do this! I’ve gotta use some white eyeliner underneath the yellow parts to bring the colour put a bit more strongly, and I’m gonna look into the petal arrangement a bot more for my eyes, but this was a good first test!
I work at a plus size dress shop, so I’m an odd one out being young and relatively thin, there’s not a lot of people I’m friendly with at work, so I’ve managed to find a way to enjoy my evening. And that is to dress the fuck up.
This was requested by @jonnyarcher! I hope you guys enjoy this! :)
(gif belongs to of-badgs-and-guns)
Pride was drying dishes when he heard footsteps coming towards the
kitchen. He wasn’t sure who it could be since everyone was out doing
their own thing tonight. Not that he didn’t mind the company, but he
was expecting to be alone tonight.
“Hey Dwayne,” you greeted as
you came into the kitchen. You had a bag in your hand, which only made
him more curious as to why you were back at the office. “Don’t worry, I
won’t stay. I know you’ve been looking forward to a night alone. I’m
just here to return something that’s not mine.”
furrowed together as he came around the counter. “Ah didn’t know you
had somethin’ of mine,” Pride said, a smile pulling at the edges of his
You held onto one of the handles, pulling out a couple of
Pride’s sweaters. “I remember getting cold a couple of times and you
gave me the sweater off of your back,” you recalled with a warm smile.
“I hope you don’t mind that I washed them. I just wanted to make sure
that I returned them to you. Especially since you said the black one
was your favorite.”
“Thank you [Y/N],” Pride said, patting the
sweaters in his hand. “Ah forgot ah even lent them to you, but it was
nice of you to bring ‘em back.”
“Hey, no problem,” you said,
waving your arm. “I always try to remember to bring a sweater to work,
but I guess I just enjoy wearing your sweaters more. Anyway, I’ll let
you get back to your night. See you on Monday!”
contently as he watched you leave. He glanced down at the sweaters and
curiously smelled the clothing, surprised by the pleasant scent. They
didn’t just smell clean, they still smelled like the perfume you always
wore. Perhaps letting you wear his sweaters wasn’t such a bad idea.
Okay I’ve been tagged by several people to do this, I think @thevikingwoman@katalyna-rose and @idrelle-miocovani for sure? If not I’m sorry lol. There were others, too, a couple weeks ago. I’ve been in a rut but I DO have a WiP for the next TDS update now, and in fact that will be coming out later tonight (after a three week hiatus I’m very sorry). Anyway, the update is very long and has several sections. Here’s a first line from one of the sections called Memorial:
“Skyhold,” said Solas. It was freezing where they stood, far away from
the rest of them. In the view of the valley below, deep in the trenches
of the Frostbacks, there was a castle—crumbling, but alive.
I’m not gonna tag like 30 people lol, but here are a couple tags for some writer friends out there. Sorry if you’ve already been tagged!!
do you know how Tai passed? i'm so sad to hear about it. hugs to you and anyone else who knew him.
No I’m not sure. I was told by a friend tonight and then looked up the Tumblr post. I figured we would hear if their family and friends wanted to tell us how they passed but if not then I have to respect that. I didn’t know Tyler well but have major respect for them and the cripple punk movement. I’m sending hugs and condolences to their family and friends as well.
- allura finally decides to just “ah, quiznak” and sits keith down to brush his hair and the mice braid it and put little flowers in it (“you’re a fairy prince now, keith!”) and she listens to him ramble on about lance this and lance that and allura i am. so gay.
- he does the same for her and tries to braid her (freakishly long holy shit) hair,, of course with the mice’s help and she just goes on and on about shay (“she’s so strong but gentle i would trust the mice with her”)
- “do you need help with picking out a dress?” “from you? oh honey no”
- TRAINING TOGETHER
- she completely wipes the floor with him
- “allura please i need a breather” “WOULD ZARKON GIVE YOU A BREATHER???!!?”
- “hey, the stars sure are beautiful tonight”
“you know who else is beautiful?”
- “keith i want to knock him all the way to the next deca-phoeb too but this is a diplomatic meeting so please put your sword away”
As my username implies, I’m involved with the HR Department at work. Part of the more occasional administrative duties I do is processing Change of Details forms when people notify us of moving house, changing phone numbers, etc.
A few months ago a form was dropped off in our Out of Hours box with a Change of Address. Unfortunately, it was filled out poorly. The form only had the first name (Let’s say the name was Tom) of the employee and the new address. The form itself asks for Employee number, First & Last name and the Old & New address to make sure we’re updating the correct records.
Since the company I work for is a large one, just under 2,000 employees this is obviously not enough information to even know who dropped the form off. I checked our records and saw that we had eight current employees with that first name. Since the old address wasn’t specified I couldn’t even look up the addresses for those eight to figure out which one it was. Given my workload, I didn’t really have the capacity to go as far as checking the physical personnell files in the hope of comparing the handwriting, so I just set the form to the side and continued with more pressing work, like invoices. Eventually I decided to just keep the form in a folder on my desk so that if it was ever queried I had the evidence to show I couldn’t do anything with it.
About a month ago we did a mailout to certain staff to confirm and advise of some wage increases. As you may have guessed, our friend Tom was one of those affected. After he didn’t receive his letter, he came by the HR Office to complain.
$Tom: I never got the letter about my wage increase! What the hell?! I’m entitled to this! I want my increase! <rabble rabble rabble> $Aech: Calm down, Tom. You definitely have a letter, I mail-merged them myself. I’ll do a reprint for you right now, if you like. $Tom: Yeah, that’d be good $Aech: *prints off another copy of his letter and hands it to him* $Tom: Well that explains a lot, you lot never processed my change of address! $Aech: (*Internal Ah-Ha! moment as I remember the Change of Address without any useful information*) Ohh, did you mean this one? (*I get it from my folder and show it to him*) $Tom: Yeah, that’s the one! Why the hell haven’t you done anything with it?! $Aech: Well, you’ve only put your first name here. We’ve got about eight Toms total, and there was no old address to be able to compare it to… $Tom: Well someone should have told me! $Aech: … How would we do that when we don’t know who filled this out? $Tom: … Ugh, fine. I have to go back on duty now, I’ll drop another one off tonight. $Aech: No worries. I’ll be sure to process it for you first thing tomorrow $Tom: Whatever… $Aech: (Internally: Fuck you too, buddy)
The next morning, sure enough there was a new form in the Out of Hours box. Complete with sarcastic underlining of his Employee number and name. As I update his details, I see that he’s put something under the ‘Preferred Name’ option. This is intended for people to have whatever name they prefer as their 'First’ name on things like the company directoy. Preferred name as in shortening Matthew to Matt, Kimberley to Kim or somebody with an 'International’ legal name preferring to go by an 'English’ name.
For the sake of this, we’ll pretend that Toms last name is Jones. Obviously, Tom Jones isn’t his real name. I just went with an alternative that’ll help this bit make sense. Tom had put his preferred name as 'Jonesy’. He has one of those last names that can become a nickname if you add ’-y’ to the end of it. Apparently that’s what his manager and others in his department call him.
Since Tom clearly wanted me to update all of his details correctly this time, I did exactly as he told me to do and entered 'Jonesy’ as his preferred name. Once the intranet updated overnight, the employee directory now knows him by his preferred name, showing him as Jonesy Jones.
About a week after that change took hold, his manager sent me a screencap of Jonesy and asked why it was showing him as Jonesy Jones. I sent him the scanned forms and the short version of the story, asking if he wanted me to change it back. He replied:
Well, you did exactly what he told you to do, its right there on the form. If he wants to change it back he can do another form. If he’s a smartass about it again let me know and I’ll take care of it.
BTS: His reaction to you trying to leave him ( mafia au)
You run away from them
Suga- You could hear the sound of leaves crunching under your foot as you ran away from the cabin that yoongi rented out for you on your anniversary. Your heart beat was so loud if felt like it was pounding in your ears, you were scared, yoongi can find you at any moment and you were determine to not let that happen. You had snuck away in the dead of the night while he was sleeping, it had been an eventful day full of fake smiles and laughter and love but as soon as the lights went out you put you plan in motion. You knew escaping him wouldn’t be easy but its better to try while he’s a asleep then never. Stopping for a break would put a set back in time, by now yoongi would have sent his men to go and look for you but you had to stop and catch your breath. You must of sat for less then a minute before you heard the sound of foot steps approaching. They were too close for you to run so the best thing to do it hide. You held you hand over your mouth as you tried to steady you breathing. “ kitten I know your out here” you heard his taunting voice get closer. You had hidden in a falling tree, the thought of him catching you now sent shivers on your spine. “Come on kitten do you really want to see your suga turn sour? Hmm?” Yoongi began to sound annoyed, you had ran away from him and ruined his sleep, you knew that if he caught you your actions wouldn’t go unpunished. “ Fine, you want to play games, then let play. How about we switch it up kitten, lets quit this game of hide and seek.” The foot steps stopped and when you looked up he stood right infront of you. Yoongi gripped your shirt collar and pulled you up slightly choking you before pushing you down to the ground. He stood over you like you were his prey and you were. A sly smirk grew on his face as he crouched down to your level, he pulled you by the back of you neck so you were now face to face. “ How about… we play a game of cat and mouse, you like that game right (Y/N)? I’ll give you a head start. 1..2..3.. I would start running if I were you kitten because if I catch you before you make it home I’ll double your punishment.”
Jin- For the past week you have been planning your escape from him, and you’ve been very carful at doing so, or so you thought. The day had came faster than what you expected but it was perfect jin left town for a business trip last night and you were alone for the remainder of the weekend. You loaded the car with your luggage and began the journey of a long drive ahead. You knew Jin had a tracker on the car so you would drive the car to a remote town and then catch a bus some where Jin could never find you, your plan seemed perfect. However jin had notice the little bit of clothes missing, he notice the distance in behavior, even when you thought he didn’t he did. The phone began to ring and you press the answer button on the steering wheel to answer. “ Oppa hi, is something the matter? How’s your business trip” You tried to play the anxiousness in your voice off “ Everything is fine babygirl I’ve noticed that you’ve taken the car for a little drive, where yah heading?” You calmed your voice before speaking “ The mall, I wanted to surprise you with a gift when you return” Jin can hear the false happiness in your voice. “Well you are full of surprises aren’t you doll” Jin’s change of voice had you slightly on edge, you let out a soft chuckle “ What do you mean Oppa?” Jin’s voice grew angry and he scoffs “ What do I mean? Doll do you honestly think I was going to fall for that bullshit the fell from your mouth? Turn the car around. “ “W-what?” “Turn the car around doll and I promise the punishment won’t be as harsh. Do you think I didn’t know you were trying to leave me, after all I’ve done for you?!” You began to get even more anxious and paranoid until suddenly you notice the cars behind you following. “Whats wrong doll? Got nothing to say? If you don’t turn the car around ill do something to. Make you stop”. Suddenly a black car swerved in front of you and hit its breaks causing you to collide with the side of the vehicle. You felt the blood run down your face and pain on the lower part of your body. The car door suddenly open and there stood Jin a perfectly clear black suit, he pulled and picked you up out of the car before caring you back to the his, you vision fading. “Don’t worry doll you’re not hurt as bad as you think, and don’t think because your injured you get out of your punishment.” You saw the sinister look in him eyes as he placed you in the car and placed a kiss on you head, and soon everything went black.
v- You had thought he wouldn’t have notice you gone with all the people in the room and his security lowing their guard. Now would have been a better time then any to just walk right out the front door. So that’s what you did, but you couldn’t just walk out of the front door and leave forever you had to make it seem like you were here, that you never left. “Tae” you spoke softly, he looked up at you and a smile spread across his face as he stood up. “ What’s wrong love?” You shook your head indicating that nothing was wrong before speaking up “ I’m just a little tired I think I’ll head up to the bedroom to get some rest.” Tae nodded his head slowly before giving you a skeptical look. “Okay, go gets some rest I’ll be there when the party clears out”. You quickly pecked his cheek before walking towards the stairs, you could feel his eyes on you and you made the mistake of looking back at him. There was a tenseness there, he face sat still before he gave you a small smirk, you returned a soft smile as you saw him turn back to the men at the table. You quickly ran up the steps and dressed out of your expensive close before throwing on something more comfortable and warm, if you were going to run away from him, you’d have to dress the part. You made a beeline to the emergency exit located in hallway outside you room and ran outside. You could see the gate that separated you from the outside world, and the terror that stayed behind those house walls just feet away from you. You felt your heartbeat pick up, you where finally going to be free, you can finally escape this place. “Sweetheart, where do you think you’re going?” Your heard tae’s voice speak from behind you, before you felt his hands wrap around you waist pulling you into his body. He lets out a soft chuckle “ When you said that you where tired I thought that it was code for something else. I guess you lied, if you have this much energy to run away from me, then maybe we can put that energy into doing something else.” He pulled you back to the house, you can feel the heat coming off his body, he was annoyed you can feel it, you might even say he’s pissed. “ I’ll make sure to exhaust that energy, and then you’ll see how ‘tired you can really get.”
Jungkook- ‘maybe I should slip in his food or drink to knock him out?’ The thought crossed your mind as you prepared dinner for both you and Jungkook, you wanted to make this night special for jungkook because tonight would be the last dinner he’ll have with you. You began setting the table and fixing the food onto the plates, you were just about to call jungkook and ask him where he was, but the front door opened as he strolled in. A smile streached across his face at the smell of cooked steak hitting his nose, he made his way over to where you sat and planted a kiss on the top of your head before sitting down himself. “So… what’s the special accession? Did I miss something, anniversary, birthday, baby are you pregnant?!” The last one caught you off guard as you choked on your food from surprise, “What? No.. I just.. I just, I knew you were working hard so I decided to help you relax a little and cook you a meal.” You gave him a small smile and he returned it with a goofy grin on his face. “Well, I work hard for you baby. To keep you safe you know, it’s all about keep you and my fortune safe” You just nodded you head in agree, you guys continued small talk from there before jungkook decided to change the topic to something else. “I noticed that you brought one plane ticket out of the country? Is that another way to help my relax?” He let out a soft chuckle before continuing “ you know baby you’re a plane ticket short? I would like if you tag alone with me, maybe we can relax together? Get away from the stress and dangers of the mafia for a little.” A small gasp left you lips before you covered it up with a drink of water. How did he know you brought a ticket out of the country, you payed with cash, so there won’t be a trace, you knew he had eyes everywhere but you never knew just how close he was watching you, it made you nervous about what else he knew. Jungkook must of seen the shook look on your face because his smile suddenly fell and his eyes closed in to slits “unless you where planning on leaving… which would be impossible because baby even when I’m not around you I’m around you, and I know what you do at all times.” Your face gave it all away you stood up quickly to try and make a break for the door, it’s better to try then to sit her and be trapped right? But jungkook had other plans, as soon as you made the move to stand up he was already grabbing you by your arm, and pulled you into his side. “ you know baby, you really stupid for trying to leave, you think I wouldn’t have known that you were up to something. You need to understand that you are mine, and I keep a close eye on what belongs to me.” “Jungkook I-” “ Save it. When I’m done with you, you won’t be able to get a word out, let alone walk” He started to pull you towards the step and up to your shared room. “ You wanna go on a trip? Okay, I’ll take you on a trip, one were you’ll be begging me to let you cum baby.”
Come On Closer [One-Shot // Roman Godfrey x Reader Imagine]
Warnings: Adult Language, Minor Blood-Play, Tiny Hints of Domination / Submission Play, Sexual Themes / Smut.
(Also, please ignore any and all spelling or grammar mistakes. I’ll probably spot most of them after I post as I usually do and fix them later.)
Author’s Note: Whoops… My hand slipped. *Shrugs innocently* It slipped and created way more than I had originally planned to create, to be honest. However, I’m hoping you’ll like this just as much as the original version I planned to create; since the premise is still the same regardless of the end result lol.
[This one-shot was inspired by this imagine scenario, which you can viewhere.]
Musical Inspiration:Come On Closer by: Jem [Side note: I’ve always loved this song for years – and now it has finally came in handy.]
I had been his friend for years, and while that never bothered me, I also wished a part of him would see me differently. Nothing he said or did, ever surprised me at this point in our lives. That is, until one night when we had been drinking and he confessed something to me that would cause me to accidentally alter the course of our friendship forever…
request: can i request an imagine where reader is will’s older sister but dustin has a lil crush on her, but the reader is dating steve and dustin gets jelly and kind of pissy w steve???
word count: 1,502
“Guys! Pizza’s here!” You shouted to the boys who were currently being rowdy in Will’s bedroom.
You’d gotten stuck babysitting your little brother Will and a few of his best friends while your mom was out on a date. You’d known Lucas, Mike and Dustin for years. The four of them were extremely close. You were so thankful that your brother had friends like them. They were really funny and very loyal to each other.
apologise in advance for the inconvenience my murder is going to have on your
hate you.” “Why? I’m lovely.”
wasn’t on today’s agenda.” “It’s not on anyone’s.” “No, it’s on mine, just not
until next Thursday.”
on, you died.” “Yeah, well it didn’t
is my life now. I have climbed this hill and now I will die upon it.” “Shut up.
We’ve only been hiking for twenty minutes.”
crying, what do I do?” “Go comfort her.” “How do I do that?” “Start with hugs.”
our exit strategy?” “Our what?” “Oh my god, we’re all going to die.”
going to need chicken blood, salt, five candles, and a bottle of vodka.”
“Vodka? For the spell?” “No, that’s just to make me feel better about ripping a
hole in the universe.”
you clinically insane or incredibly annoying?” “I don’t know, probably both.”
saved your lives.” “How? By stealing our freedom? Our minds? Our identity?”
takes a very special kind of idiot to pull off what you just did.”
getting really tired of pretending I’m not evil.”
you just agree with me?” “Oh I wish I could take-” “Nope! You said it! No
a long story.” “You conned me into thinking you were dead for eleven months. I
regret a lot of things. Having this conversation tops the list.”
had a thought.” “Oh no.” “I swear it’s a good one this time!’
open the door!” “No. It’s cooler when you break in.”
you think they remember you?” “I sure hope not after what I did the last time I
was here.” “What did you do?” “You’ll find out.”
look…” “Beautiful, I know. Can we move on?”
scared me!” “Well, I am naturally terrifying.”
agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
take a bullet for you, you know that.” “You’re immortal, and I’m going to kill
you if you keep saying that.”
really have no clue who I am?” “You’d think the confused looks and blank stare
would have answered that for you.”
am way too sober for this.”
don’t strike me as a professional criminal.” “That’s what makes me so good at
don’t think of you as a protector. More like a distraction.”
have five people trying to kill us right now, what are we supposed to do?”
“Actually, it’s more like eight.” “Oh, sorry I wasn’t specific enough!”
you could even comprehend where I’ve come from, you would be terrified of me.”
saved your life!” “You pushed me off a building.”
know we’re not all born with the ability to throw fireballs, right?”
do we keep getting into these situations?” “Eleven years of friendship and I
still don’t know.”
you hear that scream?” “Yes, I’m the one who screamed.”
you SURE I can’t punch him in the face?” “Yes.” “What if I just break his nose
are remarkably well behaved tonight. What did you do?”
crushing my spleen.” “You don’t even know where your spleen is.”
no detective, of course, but I think this dead body might not be alive
now, I don’t know if I want to kiss you or shove you off a bridge.” “Can I
real treasure was the memories we made along the way.” “I almost died!” “Ah
yes, that was my fondest memory.”
trying to have a serious conversation with you!” “And I’m trying to subtly
I didn’t kill anyone today!” “What do you want? A gold star?”
hate you.” “Why? I’m lovely.”
a scale from one to ten, how bad do you think it would be if-” “At least a
everything about this is illegal.”
billion people in the world, and you’re overreacting because we killed one
man.” “But-” “Seven. Billion. People. Now quit the complaining and drink your
not my birthday.” “It’s definitely your birthday.” “Give me a calendar. It’s
not and I will prove it to – oh. Never mind. Happy birthday to me.”
a scale from one to ten, how bad do you want to kill me right now?” “I’m
hovering somewhere in the high thirties.”
can fix that.” “I’m calling a professional.” “I’m a professional.” “A more
the word for that infestation of tiny creatures over there?” “Those are
children. That’s a school.”
have a concern.” “Just one?” “No, but I didn’t think you’d let me speak my
piece if I told you how many I actually have.”
are you glaring at me?” “I’m hoping you’ll spontaneously combust.”
we die, I’m going to spend the rest of our afterlife reminding you that this
was all your fault.” “That’s cool, I wouldn’t mind having company while being a
are you so afraid of?” “You.”
is that THING in your backpack?” “It’s my new pet dragon.” “Dragons aren’t
real!” “Then why is there one in my backpack?”
hate the sight of blood.” “Then maybe you shouldn’t kill for a living.”
that blood looks good on you. It really brings out your eyes.”
to see what kind of trouble we can get into?” “Oh god, we’re going to die,
aren’t we?” “It’s a Tuesday, I know how to restrain myself.” “You absolutely do
don’t give a damn.” “You give so many damns they’re visible from SPACE.”
be easy. You just have to seduce them.” “You’re kidding, right? I’m about as
seductive as a cabbage.”
not as evil as people think you are.” “No. I’m much worse.”
a terrifyingly accurate drawing of us.” “It’s almost like I’m good at what I
have no power over me.” “You sure about that?”
isn’t good.” “How can you tell?” “See how they’re slowly surrounding us? And
they all have guns and knives and I think one guy is carrying a machete?”
right behind me, isn’t he?” “Actually he’s right in front of you.”
not a thief. I’m just really good at acquiring things that aren’t mine.”
not completely human anymore. Remember that next time you want to punch me in
that blood?” “No?” “That’s not a question you’re supposed to answer with
never stood a chance, did I?” “That’s the sad part – you did once.”
okay, I’m here.”
not going to leave you.”
going to protect you.”
believe in you.”
you feel guilty? Like, at all?” “I don’t have time to feel guilty. And neither
that!” “Stop what?” “Doing that thing with your face when you’re happy. It’s
making me nauseous.”
are you doing?” “…Eating.” “We’re being held hostage and you decide to raid the
kitchen?” “They didn’t say the fridge was off limits.”
that a dead body?” “Maybe?” “It is. I can see it right in front of me.” “I
promise I’ll clean it up before dinner.”
we’re going to get out of here, we’re going to have to work together. After
that, we can go back to killing each other.” “Oh, fine.”
not funny.” “I thought it was.” “You don’t count. You started laughing in the
middle of a funeral because you started thinking of a meme you saw on
we need wine?” “No, I need wine, you
need to put your pants back on.” “But life is so freeing without them.” “Pants.
you please go be stupid somewhere that’s away from me?”
feel like I’m being stabbed.” “How do you even know what it feels like to be
you be quiet?” “I didn’t say anything!” “Well stop thinking so loud.”
you get my note?” “Of course I got it. You taped it to my forehead while I was
a psychopath.” “I prefer creative.”
do people keep trying to put this blanket on me?” “Because you’re in shock.”
“That doesn’t mean I need a blanket. It means I need booze.”
no.” “What is it? What happened? Who died?” “I think I just felt an emotion.”
“You have GOT to be kidding me.”
all this is over, I want my sanity back.”
definitely not true.” “Of course it is. I read it on Wikipedia.”
forgot me.” “It was an accident.”
do you keep risking your life? To prove a point?” “Yes.”
would like to join you in acknowledging the difficulties of your life.” “You
are the WORST at this comfort thing.”
got to stop doing that.” “What?” “Saying things that make me want to kiss you.”
if you want to conjure some demon spawn from the great beyond, that’s all fine
and dandy. Just wait for me to leave before you start.”
calm down!” “My leg just dematerialised and you want me to calm down!?”
know what they say, panicking burns a shit ton of calories.” “Who even says
that?” “Me. Just now.”
mind me, I’ll just be in the corner, having another existential crisis.”
97. “Oh my god, I had the exact same dream!”
“Really?” “Are you crazy? Of course I didn’t.”
need to go de-stress.” “Where are you going?” “To demolish the living room.”
think I’m having a feeling. How do I make it stop?”
100. “I’m bitter and complicated. It’s one of my
charms.” “I don’t think you know what that word means. Or how to count.”
101. “I don’t know what the protocol is for
revealing your secret identity so, hi? Surprise?”
always think you know what you’d do when faced with the end of the world. Me? I
went home and took a nap.
103. “Damn it, why aren’t you obeying the laws of
104. “I’d hug you right now, but you’re covered
in evidence. And I also really don’t want to.” “Evidence is a really nice
euphemism for blood, gore and guts.” “You’re totally missing the point. Do you
know how pissed I am at you right now?”
105. “This way is more efficient.” “This way is
going to get us killed.”
106. “You’re not my favourite person today.” “I’m
not your favourite person on any day.”