So I hit the 150 mark, which I did not even think to check until @serwynterwulf commented on his followers….
I feel like I should do something for it but I dunno…
I do however want to say thank you. I don’t really post that much, I’m also slow to reply to asks (I never delete them, so if you haven’t seen yours, it’s coming, I just suck at life), But I really appreciate that people take the time to look at what I do post, send me asks, rp and interact with me, or just lurk.
[gender stuff… yeah guys you know I don’t have a gender therapist]
I’ve been thinking about testosterone again. I know I have been adamant about not taking it in the past, mostly because I was hella scared of getting facial hair and male pattern baldness, but now I kinda changed my mind. I’m still not sure if I’d ever want to be on HRT for the rest of my life, but I have read a ton of nonbinary transition stories and now I’m pretty sure that going on then off once won’t mess you up. You can do it, and your body will readjust eventually.
The main reason why I’m considering going on T then stopping is my voice. It gives me so much dysphoria that I’d do anything to change it. The nice thing about voice changes on T is that they are permanent, so once your voice drops, it stays that way forever. And judging by all the videos I have seen, as much as 3 months can be enough for a significant change. Typically the voice drop happens before facial hair, but tbh I have reconsidered my opinion about facial hair. I still don’t want it but I don’t think it would be a problem if it happened.
So I can see myself taking testosterone for long enough to get the voice drop and then stopping and not taking it ever again. There is also a possibility that I will like the other changes so much, I won’t want to stop it. The idea of being dependent on it all my life is not nice but if I’ll start passing as male and realize that it actually makes a difference, hell I’m not going back.
There are two issues. First, I’m not sure anyone in Poland, even in a private clinic, will allow me to do this. They expect the textbook trans person story and if I tell them “well I’m male-aligned genderqueer and I wanna be on T for like 3-5 months” they’ll just laugh and tell me no. I guess I could lie about it, but then what will happen after I stop? Can I just… stop showing up for the shots, or stop using androgel? Will the doctor get in trouble for it?
And the second issue is keeping this a secret from my extended family. If I stop taking T before I get facial hair and stuff, they probably won’t suspect anything. However they will obviously notice the voice drop and… how… do I explain it? There is of course the bigger problem in persuading my parents cause if they won’t be on board with it, it won’t happen. Previously my mum said “you can’t transition as long as your grandparents are alive” and she was generally pretty nasty about it. I’m waiting for her to accept me but how long will I have to wait?
Now I don’t question my actual gender anymore, I just jump from “I wanna fully transition” to “I won’t do anything apart from top surgery” multiple times a day. It’s fun. Not really. I wish I knew a doctor who I trusted and who I could discuss this with. I wish I had anyone in my family who was on my side about this! My dad is like “you can do whatever you want if it makes you happy” but it doesn’t really change the opinion of other family members, does it?
So anyway I’m a bit stressed out about this because I feel like living with dysphoria gets harder every day and I *need* to do something. If you have any thoughts, advice, experience, words of encouragement, etc, please share it.
with every step and jump, with every twist and dip, and with every sway and swirl, you’ve expressed yourself without uttering even a single word and to be honest, i don’t think words are enough for you to let everyone know how much you want it, how no one wants it more than you do and that’s what makes your dance the most beautiful of them all. you’ve waltzed into everyone’s hearts with your powerful moves and graceful twirls but you’ve snugged yourself in when you showed how genuine you are. your laughs that are distinctively louder than everyone else, your smiles that are brighter than the sun, even your tears that tug at every heartstrings and then you turn and spin everyone on their axis by curving your lips into a sinful smirk, moving your body in an almost illegal way, and looking like you know something that nobody else does. but that’s what makes you so endearing and special. you’re always so grateful to every one but the only one you should be the most grateful to is yourself.
never stop standing on stage like you were meant to be there and continue the dream you have been longing for since the start. it’s only right for you to claim everything you deserve because you’ve earned it and there’s only more for you in this world and nothing less. I love you so much, my two left feet could almost dance. happy birthday to the one and only dancing machine, our precious Kim Jongin. #HappyJonginDay #종인아생일축하해
my community has a concerns website where everyone complains mostly about the schools but this one time somebody said nothing ever happens in our area, it’s too quiet, so my neighbor literally stole the big ass red chili pepper from outside of chili’s and put it in his yard to stir some drama
I think what i love best about liam’s tweet to zayn is that he sounds like he’s in such a good place right now? It feels like he’s so fucking happy these days that he didn’t even overthink this or himself because who cares about the past when the present is treating him so kindly. 💟