So, what if someone goes to a therapist, not because they have abandonment issues or depression or things that people normally go to a therapist for, but because they really like the whole doctor/patient confidentiality thing? Which means they can gossip all they want.
And the therapist is a little lost because this is not their job, but, also, it’s kind of relaxing not to have to help someone solve a serious problem and they’re getting paid so they might as well enjoy it while it lasts?
“You’ll never guess what Maria did yesterday.”
*sigh* “You know this isn’t my job, right?”
“I’m paying you for it.”
“… What did Maria do?”
“She called her ex.”
And the therapist really doesn’t want to admit that they’re invested, so they act aloof, but they really want to know how this turns out because Maria’s ex is awful, and Maria herself obviously has some self-worth issues she needs to work on. So:
“We’re here to talk about you.”
“I spied on them on their brunch date. He took her to McDonald’s. He drives an Aston Martin. And he took her to McDonald’s.”
“Woah, wait a second! He begged her to come back and promised he would treat her better and he pulls that crap?”
And the “patient” just smirks. “I know, right?”
One day, the therapist gets their hopes up.
“I’m an awful person.”
The therapist thinks that the patient had a breakthrough. That, maybe, they were just messing around and stalling and they’re finally ready to admit why they have these sessions.
“What makes you think that?”
“I couldn’t stop staring at this guy’s teeth. They were so crooked! And, you know, you shouldn’t judge people because of how they look, and I wasn’t judging, honest! I just… couldn’t stop looking at them. It’s like my teacher in 2nd grade. He had this mole. I nearly had to stay back a year because it was so distracting. Do you think I made him feel insecure?”
And the therapist just leans back in their chair and gives up.
“Jonathan’s getting married.”
“Not to his girlfriend?”
“Exactly what I said! Everyone knows he’s in love with Peter! He knows he’s in love with Peter! His girlfriend knows he’s in love with Peter! He’s openly bi! Why is he marrying this girl when he sees her maybe twice a month! He spends all of his time with Peter! He slept with Peter! While he was dating his girlfriend! His girlfriend knows!”
“Back up! He slept with Peter!? When?”
*gasp* “I never told you? How could I not tell you? Oh my gosh, it was insane.”
“I don’t think I’m going to make it.”
And the therapist knows better than to think that this is a serious problem.
“What happened now?”
“I promised to do this 2-week juicing diet challenge with Ollie and Lisa-”
And because the patient isn’t an actual patient, the therapist feels comfortable judging. “Those are so unhealthy. You need actual food.”
“I know! I ate three boxes of Hostess cupcakes yesterday.”
“…I’m not gonna say it.”
“But you’re thinking it.”
“Yeah, I am.”
“I can never tell them.”
And the therapist and the patient are actually really comfortable by now. Sometimes, the patient comes in and the therapist is super tired, so they let the therapist use the session to nap.
Or, the patient brings their laptop and they watch Netflix. They’re watching GLOW together. They just started it, and they won’t watch it by themselves or with anybody else.
Sometimes, the therapist actually talks about their life.
“My mother thinks I should get married. And I keep telling her I’m not ready to settle down, but she wants grandkids out of all of us and both of my brothers and all three of my sisters are already married with kids. I think I’m disappointing her.”
“Well, you can’t live your life for her, you know?”
“You should get a pet.”
“Like a dog or a cat. Or a snake! And then you can introduce it to your mom as your child.”
“Maybe a tarantula?”
And then they break down giggling because they’re dorks.
And, one day, the patient comes in with an actual problem. The patient’s dad just died and his last wish was for the patient to take over the family company and the patient isn’t sure if they can do it. They want to, but they’re worried maybe they’re not good enough.
And when the patient gets to the therapist’s office, the therapist realizes something serious is going on and they say they’re not letting the patient pay for this and then they leave the office and go sit on a park bench and the patient cries and the therapist comforts. Like a friend. Not a therapist.
“I’m just- I’m really going to miss him.”
“I know, sweetheart. I know.”
And they’re just… really close, you know?
And the therapist says that the patient doesn’t have to keep paying to talk to them.
“It’s a waste of money. And you have my personal cell.”
“But how am I going to get you to keep my secrets?”
“I’ll always keep your secrets.”
And they pinky promise and live their lives being dorks together.