It’s the kind of memory I like best–more of a feeling than an actual remembrance. The hum of a memory, blurry around the edges, soft and nothing particularly special, all kind of blending into one moment.
I used to think
you were the sky.
The cloudy thoughts around your head,
the sunlight in your eyes …
Turns out you were a cloud -
and nothing more than that.
caught in a valley of my thoughts
around a mountain range of my own potential.
I realized that I cannot unlove you. So now my heart has a new prayer. I pray that you’ll find happiness. And in return , I will find mine. I pray that someone will love me the way I loved you. And may I love this person a thousand fold more than you. By then I’m sure my heart will stop looking for you.
You’re not like the others. I’ve seen a few; I know. When I talk, you look at me. When I said something about the moon, you looked at the moon, last night. The others would never do that. The others would walk off and leave me talking. Or threaten me. No one has time any more for anyone else. You’re one of the few who put up with me.
Please don’t die.
I’m still breathing.
My heart’s still beating.
We are strangers for now.
Things will change.
Go back to
How things used
Back to when
Things were simpler.
Whether it’s in a year
I will wait for you.
We have so much
More to do together.
I will be patient for you.
We have so much
More to live for.
You are too young
To die at an early age.
You will not live life
To the fullest,
Until you live life
I know it was the right thing to cut you out of my life, but if it was the right thing, why does it hurt so much?
Why does every moment feel longer and more painful without you in it? Why do I feel so alone at night? Why do I miss you?
You hurt me when you were with me, but that doesn’t even compare to how hurt I am without you.
“It’s worth it to stay alive. Because life is hard in the moment, it’s hard to see what can be down the road. You get tunnel vision and I think that the current moment is all you have left. But that’s not it. There can be come. Please let there be more. Please stay alive.”
― Josh Dun
To my fake friends, thank you for showing me the value in understanding people for what they are. Thank you for taking all of my good qualities and turning them into something negative to fit your narrative. Whereas a real friend would see my effort not to judge others and allow others second chances as beautiful, you saw me as easy to manipulate and easy to control. Where a real friend saw my habit of ensuring our relationship is okay by asking honestly, “Are we okay?” when I sensed any sort of discomfort as honest and looking for a way to amend things if they were wrong, you saw it as a sign of weakness and instead, never told me until things came to a resentful head. Where the best of my friends would look at my habit of apologising and immediately trying to make amends as the quality of a kind and genuine person, you deliberately saw it as something to exploit by making me feel worse and worse every single day by never telling me what was wrong but bitching behind my back.
Initially you must have surprised me.
Your kindness, or your (false) giving nature, something about you must have truly made me think the world of you. You see, I’m the kind of person who will love you genuinely or not love you at all. I don’t play games of in-betweens and I certainly don’t pretend to be friends with someone if they are not someone I care about. The truth is, without you, I would not know who my real friends are, nor how to value them. I would not have learned that some people thrive on being unkind. I would not know how to handle those who look for reasons to dislike me, rather than the other way around. I never understood insecurity for what it was. Because I am a highly self critical person and tend to focus on what I have done wrong rather than anyone else.
Without you, I could not have learned how to look outside and understand that other people are flawed too.
I would not know how to stop being so hard on myself. I would not grow from being a people pleaser to choosing the people I love carefully and with consideration. You taught me how to appreciate that I am a person worthy of love, and forgiveness and kindness, by treating me the opposite way. You taught me strength by showing me that when I was in my greatest pain, the person I needed to rely on most was myself because you were only going to be unkind and orchestrate more pain in my life.
Thank you for that. Thank you for every lesson you have taught me. Because I could not be prouder of who I am today, and it is you that I have to thank for that