but i know who i am

the first time somebody bakes a cake especially for isak, he’s four years old. it’s half vanilla half chocolate, and the edges are burnt black. across its face is scribbled elsker deg in a trail of lumpy blue icing, and it’s- perfect

even has it wrapped up tight in a raspberry box, bow nestled lopsided on the lid.

isak’s huddled himself up small in the corner of the hospital’s playroom, and he’s crying, knees tucked in against his chest, dimpled hands over his face. even sits down on the floor in front of him, cross-legged. squints his eyes a little around an awkward smile when isak peeks through his chubby fingers to glance at him - isak’s cheeks are even puffier than usual. 

“i want my mom,” is all he says. quiet, thick voice sticky against his palms. 

even scoots closer, lifts his shoulder nervously. he’s two years older than isak and even he hadn’t been allowed in isak’s mom’s hospital room - he too had been ushered into the dumb playroom with all the drooling babies.

“baked you cake,” he whispers. isak doesn’t respond, so even reaches out, strokes the curls back so, so gently from isak’s forehead. he’s seen isak’s mom do it before, when isak’s small and sleepy in her lap. “look? here.” 

it takes a few moments, but when he peels the lid away, isak eventually drops his hands so that he can carry out an inspection. crosses his legs and leans in over his knees to peer inside at even’s creation. 

silence.

for a moment, until he scrunches up his pink-tipped nose, and huffs, tipping his chin up defiantly when he combs out even’s gave, “wha’s it say?” 

oh, even remembers, jaw dropping, isak’s not in school yet. he can’t read. 

“it’s ‘kay,” he smiles. he wriggles around on the floor, shoes squeaking against the linoleum, until he’s sitting at isak’s side. as they both lean back against the wall, he takes isak’s hand softly and tugs it over. 

he traces the letters slowly with isak’s fingers as he reads aloud, “elsker deg.”

isak- doesn’t smile. doesn’t laugh. but some of the hot, black ice in the bottom of his tummy melts, and he nods, and when even’s busy tearing a piece of the cake off for them to share, he leans in - and presses a kiss to his friend’s cheek. 

“elsker deg,” he says. 

I had a bad, like a really bad, anxiety attack/episode last night and it was so exhausting. It’s so incredibly draining and my hands hurt now. My hands always hurt after my anxiety attacks. I’m just so sleepy and my whole body aches.

escapingreality51  asked:

I have given in to the monster and have accepted that in order for me to function I will have to watch the goodbye scene and wedding scenes several times a day and have emotions that I can't handle and then sit in a corner and cry over my OTP being married and torn apart and h e l p m e B e s s

don’t ask me for help Amelia i can’t even heLP MYSELF?????????? I just watched their goodbye three times on mute???? because I thought it being on mute wouldn’t count, even though I can literally hEAR THEIR VOICES IN MY HEAD???????????

HOW DID WE GET SO WEAK WE DID NOTHING TO DESERVE THIS??? AND I KNOW WE’RE NOT THE ONLY ONES, SO MANY OF US ARE VICTIMS TO THIS PAST WEEK, TO THAT WEDDING, TO THAT GOODBYE????

I feel so emotionally weak but somehow watching those scenes gives me strength??? it’s like it kills me but I love it? apparently we all love pain SO YAY.

I……I don’t know how. I just don’t know………how. how to like……not watch it. not watch it over and over and over and over again. it’s too perfect and I hate it. only I don’t hate it. I love it. I love every PAINFUL SECOND OF IT.

I KEEP WANTING TO WATCH THEIR FIRST DANCE AND THEIR KISS AND THIER CUDDLE AS IF I NEED IT LIKE AIR

I AM SO EMOTIONALLY COMPROMISED AND I DON;T KNOW WHAT TO DO FOR THE BEST

I ALways think “I’ll just watch one more time, I’ll have one last hit…..” and then four hours later I’m still watching it on repeat, still giving in to the weakness.

I mean I don’t even know if I was resurrected on Tuesday like I hoped to be. I don’t even know if I’m still ghost!bess or not. I don’t know if I was killed off completely or whether I was brought back to life. maybe I’m just wandering around like Bruce Willis in Sixth Sense (spoiler alert!!!!) thinking I’m alive but I’ma ctually dead????? maybe I’m in limbo between life and death, I don’t even bloody know anymore.

all I know is that I’m aDDICTED TO watching these scenes over and over and over again and I do not know how to stop.

There must be some kind of rehab for this because DAMN.

i found this and please just read hussies comments on vriska because im almost in tears i cant believe ive never seen this before…. shes my FAVE and i will eat up literally any commentary made abt her 

When I was about to launch into the Hivebent arc, I thought one cool opportunity that presented was to introduce a very major character out of nowhere, who we had literally no foreknowledge of other than one shot of a strange looking horn cropped off panel. The entire profile of this character was always meant to be “someone who is in some way involved with practically everything", and the scorpio sign seemed suited to this. This aspect of her profile was conveyed up front in her introduction, and hammered repeatedly with almost every scene she’s been in. Hivebent was a good introduction to the ways in which she entangles herself nefariously with everything, and slowly but surely, this has been revealed to be the case in the main plotline. It was unclear before, and indeed unclear that this was even a question that needed to be answered, because she had not been introduced yet. And personally, I think there's something kind of exciting which that proposition injects into a story.

Before Hivebent, most of the trolls were portrayed as incompetent at trolling. And when the roster was expanded, the question was begged: are any of these trolls any good at trolling? So part of her profile was also to serve as the ultimate troll. Karkat was an effective troll insofar as he was loud and angry and obnoxious, but that’s about as far as it went. Vriska was designed to be a good troll in the purest sense of the word. She gets people legitimately riled up. Both in the story, and even more importantly, outside it. There is no other troll, or really even any other aspect of Homestuck, which generates more debate. This was intentional, and continues to be. 

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Jongin for Esquire Korea 2017 Feb issue

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Based off @goldentruth813‘s post, have a bit of drarry love  (ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧

“rei ayanami was supposed to be creepy as a middle finger to fanboys!!”

this is an old western fandom myth fabricated during the early days of 4chan/evageeks. anno, hayashibara, and co. have never said anything remotely suggesting the sort (rather, anno’s described rei as the ‘most inexpressible’ part of him; hayashibara remarking similar) - this also evades everything rei is to justify never considering her beyond the surface level (if rei was supposed to be ‘creepy’, what else is there?)

rei is existential - rei is isolation, rei’s entire narrative gestures heavily at what it means to be a body (”the body as an identity involves resources”) - what it means to be defined by your trauma, physically and psychologically. people don’t relate to rei because she’s “creepy” (she’s not), people relate to rei because she’s othered, ostracized, abused, socially inept. rei was forced into a life of constant-dissociation by an abusive man, a life in which she is a stranger to herself, and pretentious nerds still have the gall to call her ‘creepy’ as if they’re saying something subversive

there’s nothing enlightened about calling an abused 14 year old girl “creepy”, nothing about rei is “creepy”, it’s sad and harrowing and existentially-laden

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The way that we are
Is the reason I stay
As long as you’re here with me
I know I’ll be OK

wings era made me so confused tbh. like seriously i don’t know who i am anymore. what ships do i even ship? it was so easy back then but now? otp? bias? what even is a bias? suddenly i don’t understand the idea of bias anymore because damn. favorite song on the album? favorite solo? yeah, as if. honestly, who am i. who. am. i.

anonymous asked:

I imagine you're the kind of person who accidentally falls asleep sitting up.

well, not accidentally. falling asleep upright is kinda uncomfortable. i mean, i still do it, but usually it has to be a special occasion. or i have to be really really bored.

 last week i fell asleep sitting up with my eyes open and accidentally won a staring contest with nick fury. so theres that, i guess.