I am complicared.
More than just your average “read between the lines” or “listen to what i don’t say” complicated.
I am completely undeniably complicated.
I am a paradox. In its truest form.
I want so much to be loved. Yet when one does me i push them away. Fears, insecurities..my own mind, desperate for love, destroys every ounce of it.
I need someone to care about me. Yet when one does i poke so many holes in it, they stop trying. Thus resulting in me feeling no longer cared for.
I want to be free of my tiring daily routines yet make no effort, refuse all chances, to change it.
I would love nothing more than to be happy. Yet i hold on so tightly to things that make me saddest.
Isn’t it true that you fall in love with your sadness?
It just becomes too safe.
Maybe that’s why I’m a paradox.
I only feel right when sad.
And that’s the saddest thing of all, I think.
— 12:55am thoughts