Have you seen the Princess Diaries 2? Because a Star Wars crossover thing would be PERFECT because hello Princess Leia and Princess Mia are both feisty and don't take crap from anybody and Han would be Chris Pine's character that's mischievously trying steal the crown and at first they hate each other and argue constantly but they end up falling in love and man oh man you're so good at these things I just needed to tell you
HAVE I SEEN PRINCESS DIARIES TWO?
BOY. BOY OH BOY. HAVE I SEEN PRINCESS DIARIES TWO.
THAT MOVIE IS A CINEMATIC MASTERPIECE. I’VE BEEN ON LOVE WITH IT SINCE I WAS TWELVE. NICK DEVEREAUX WAS MY TRUE LOVE FOR LIKE A WHOLE THREE MONTHS.
(THAT IS A FLAT OUT LIE HE’S STILL MY TRUE LOVE.)
And holy heckles was the message at the end an AMAZING THING TO TELL LITTLE GIRLS.
But anyway AHEM so and AU. WELL WELL WELL. YOU’VE CALLED THE RIGHT GARBAGE CAN, MY FRIEND.
First order of business: I hereby declare that, since we fancasted Senator Bel Iblis as John Rhys Davies (because a) why not and b) INDY JOKES I am weak), then Senator Bel Iblis is immediately dubbed Nick’s Uncle. I mean. Han’s uncle? Uh. SO ANYWAY. WE CAN SAY that Bel Iblis adopts Han (once again, bless that possibility), but only from a certain pov. After the empire is beaten, Han, who left to pay jabba off and miraculously survived, tuna into Bel Iblis, who wants to get even with Mon Mothma. Sums of money are offered? Maybe? But no one tells him that Leia is part of the deal. at any rate, things progress from there. We need to give everyone else positions, obviously, before we proceed:
Therkin Horm is representative of those stinky old white dudes in parliament who try to marry Leia (Mia) off. Bail can easily take the position of Mia’s father. MON MOTHMA CAN BE QUEEN CLARISSE??? Yes please. And Luke is OBVIOUSLY Lily duuuh, and um WHO IS JOE? Maybe General Rieekan? Except I kind of want it to be Wes Janson, because I am obscure shipper trash. JOE IS YET TO BE DECIDED. Anyway threepio and artoo are Brigitte and Brigitta the maids, Leia’s mom can be … Um. Obi-wan? YEP, sounds good. So Obi-Wan is in the position of Mia’s mom, even though I’m sure obi-wan isn’t having any babies anytime soon.
Princess Amelia Minnionet Thermoplis Renaldi is Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan.
Nick Devereaux is Han Solo.
And. If we work some beautiful magic and cherry pick characters while simultaneously stuffing books in trashcans.
I hate myself I feel HORRIBLE ANDREW IM SO SORRY I HAVE FAILED YOU FORGIVE ME MY SON.
But like he’d be Isolder if Isolder was a little less Adonis-like and a little more respectful of Leias decisions. But I mean Isolder was a pretty nice guy so I guess this could sort of work?
(Andrew FORGIVE ME).
AT ANY RATE. Due to an increasingly stressful situation with the Imperial Remnant, the New Republic can only survive if a head of state is declared. Unfortunately, Mon Mothma, who is currently holding the role, is getting old and needs to retire. And Leia Organa is next up for the role. Through Senator Mon Monthmas mentorship, Leia seems to be shaping up to be quite a lovely head of state to be.
One problem, though. Bel Iblis and Mothma had a falling out some years back, and now, he’s there, claiming that Leia can only be head if state if the whole republic, according to Alderaani law (which idk must be upheld out of respect? I don’t actually think alderaani law would be like this BUT FOR THE SAKE OF THE AU) must be married.
Meanwhile, his “nephew” Han is … Perfect for the role, apparently, though idk what kind of spice Bel Iblis is on because Han would be a shit awful politician.
But anyway. Mon is outraged, Leia completely blindsided, Therkin Horm is gross as usual, and an ultimatum if thirty days is set up.
Obviously, Isolder is discovered. HILARITY AND THE PLOT OF PD2 ENSUES.
Things to consider:
- did Han and Leia know each other from the rebellion? Were they acquaintances rather than friends? Did the events change, inexplicably, so that they never became close before? Or were they close, but then Han went off and did his thing with Jabba, leaving Leia high a and dry, WHICH GIVES IDEAL OPPORTUNITY FOR HER TO STAMP ON HIS FOOT YES YES
- can Mara be captain kip Kelly of the royal guard GOODBYE I TAKE MY LEAVE
- ummmm so the closet scene is required. So is Han wearing glasses. So is the whole falling into a fountain thing.
- but where does chewie come in? CAN CHEWIE BE THE HOUSEKEEPER WHO TELLS NICK TO USE THE DAMN BIKE IM CRYING
- additionally don’t forget to make 47382929 Indiana Jones jokes because JOHN RHYS DAVIES bye
- Isolders mom is not in this AU because who needs her HOWEVER Teneniel Djo can be Lady Alissa right
- “look away, Artoo, we’re not supposed to be here!”
- “no, you glob of grease, it is NOT romantic! We’re doomed! What if someone SAW them!”
- alSO LEIA SLAYING ALL OF THE TRASH GROSS DUDES WHO ARE TRYING TO MARRY HER OFF WITH CUTTING YET AMAZINGLY EMPOWERING SPEECHES
- ACTUALLY THIS IS LIKE SORT OF WHAT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED IN COPL HAD LEIA ACTUALLY HAD HER CHARACTER INTACT
This is too much I’m slain Harrison Ford and Chris Pine playing the same guy FaREWELL