but i get so offended when people tell me they haven't seen this

Stargazing

Ezio Auditore x Reader

On the second day of Edmas, Captain Kenway gave to me…


A warm hand on the small of your back was guiding you through the darkness, your vision blocked by a red sash.

“Just a bit further, amore mio.” His smooth voice spoke from behind you, the sound as beautiful as the gentlest of music.

“It would be easier if you took the blindfold off.” You laughed, blindly following Ezio’s guiding hand.

“Perhaps, but not as fun.” Ezio teased, his hot breath ghosting along the back of your neck.

You shivered, a combination of his closeness and the cold, winter air. Lights were dancing beneath your eyelids, the soft tune of a sweet song echoing into the night air. You could practically feel Ezio’s smile behind you, his pace quickening as you drew closer to whatever surprise he had in store.

“Okay, caro,” he breathed, wrapping his arms around your waist and leaning in close. His chest was pressed tight to your back, his soft hair tickling your shoulder. “You can take it off.”

You smiled at the enthusiasm in his voice, your fingertips gliding along the silky texture of the sash. You peeled it away slowly, your eyelashes fluttering open. A light misting of rain drops ran down on the two of you, Ezio’s heat keeping you warm. Dozens of flickering lights met your gaze, the darkness of night lost in the beauty of the atmosphere. The candles formed a path, red petals littering the ground between each radiant light.

“Ezio,” you murmured, grinning like an idiot. He mirrored your expression, the curve of his lips pressed against your neck.

“Keep walking.” He insisted, disentangling his arms from around you. A shiver ran through your body at the loss of his warmth, his fingers interlacing with your own instead. A new wave of heat spread through you, his contact alone warming your heart.

“Are you bringing me out here to murder me?” You joked lightly, bringing his arm around your shoulders and nuzzling against him.

“You better watch out, dolce cuore,” he warned jokingly, a laugh on the tip of his tongue. The candles, still shining bright, were beginning to burn out, light puffs of smoke breezing through the air. The forest surrounding the both of you was eery, strange noises and rustling branches following the two of you like a creature hunting prey. Ezio’s brown gaze watched you from above, his soft, pink lips curved up in a smile.

“Here,” he signalled, stopping you in the middle of a clearing. The moon shone down upon the both of you, the lights of stars twinkling up above. The gentle bite of wind and light showers no longer bothered you, your eyes focused on the sky.

“It’s beautiful.” You breathed, the stars reflecting in your eyes. So many hopes and so many dreams could be seen in their soft twinkle, the sky like a sea of aspiration. A thousand untold stories were hidden in their sweet sparkle, your hand unconsciously reaching out to trace some of the more visible constellations.

“Yes, you are.” Ezio whispered, his lips against your ear. A delightful shiver ran down your spine, a tingle left where Ezio’s lips had been against your bare skin.

“Ezio.” You groaned playfully, faintly shoving his shoulder. He chuckled, a smooth and soft baritone to your ears.

“I speak only the truth, mia bella.” Your heart warmed at his rich tone, your body automatically seeking out more contact with him. He happily obliged, his head resting atop yours and his hands rubbing patterns up and down your back.

“I hate you.” You muttered, smiling despite yourself. A twitch of his lips brought on his own smile, his palms temporarily pushing you closer into him. He smelled of the fresh rain and roses with a deep undertone of lemony thyme. Your hands tightened around his neck at the familiar scent, your eyes falling shut at the intimacy.

“You wound me.” His voice was barely audible above the pounding of his heart by your ear, his steady breathing bringing it back to normal.

Your lips, pressed tightly against his chest, curved up in a smile when he cuddled closer, seeming to be almost feeding off your contact. He was like this often, reveling in every minute that he got to spend in your arms. Which, sadly, wasn’t nearly enough for you. He’d brought you out here as an apology, of sorts, for not being able to devote every minute with you. Of course, you understood why, but he seemed adamant about making it up to you.

A short burst of wind rustled your clothing, a large exhale passing through his lungs.

“It’s getting colder.” Ezio noted, his tone wistful. “Perhaps we should journey back.”

The thought of having to endure the strange and wild roads for another few days had you gripping onto his back tightly, your body practically being held up by his arms.

“A few minutes longer?” You pleaded, opening your eyes and batting your eyelashes a few times for good measure. At his look of protest, you stuck your bottom lip out, giving him your best impersonation of a needy dog. He broke almost immediately, nodding and pulling you back into an embrace.

“Only a few minutes.” He mumbled, running a hand through your (Y/H/C) locks.

The tug of his skillful fingers had you cuddling even closer to him, your head wedged in between his head and shoulder. You breathed him in, your own fingers dancing along the curve of his spine. Muscles flexed and relaxed beneath your touch, his entire demeanour shifting to something more comfortable and familiar at the feel of your hand on his body.

“Io ti amo.” He said, the ghost of a smile on his lips. There was no desperation or anger or sadness in his tone, just a sweet, honest declaration of love. You smiled, your cheeks almost aching at how wide you’d spread them.

“I love you too.” You replied, the cloth of his robes soft beneath your fingertips.

Something decidedly colder landed on the crown of your head, your body tensing beneath it. Ezio breathed out a laugh, his fingers swiping the offending item from your head. He presented it to you with childish glee, a sole, white snowflake melting on his fingertip.

“It’s snowing.” You giggled, watching the flakes with awe.

They were beautiful, each unique in their own way. You were so lost in your observation of the snowflakes, you failed to see the way Ezio’s eyes lit up with your smile, or the way he fell even more in love with each sweet word that slipped through your lips. He could tell you how he felt over and over again, he could even show you how he felt, but for the moment, he’d rather just watch and fall even further in love with your smile, with your laugh, with you.

anonymous asked:

I haven't really seen anyone talk about this and you're specifically of interest as an anti-Ziam who is actually a fan of Cheryl's so I'll just say it here. One of the absolute WORST things ever, for me, is them shaming Cheryl for her keeping her last name after her first marriage as if that somehow proves that she's an attention seeker or the fact that she goes by her first name now only. They're horrible but this has struck such a chord with me. Bullshit. They know nothing about feelings.

I just want to say a few things, some things not only about Cheryl because I was sent something horrible and I feel really horrible about myself right now and I need to rant yeah?

Just. The worst thing tinhats do is offend. Just, really offend. And yeah, of course I know, hello thank you captain obvious, but just. It’s so different. It’s not the silly joke kind of offend. It’s not the subtle offend or the under-the-table, through-the-teeth offend, it’s the worst kind of offend.

The ignorant one.

There’s a woman, A. She’s 70 years old. She’s been married three times and her last husband died 10 years ago and she’s kept his name. She’s been called a slut her entire lifetime but anyone who knows her knows she had legitimate reasons for divorcing, you know?

Somewhere in the world, B, a teenage boy who likes fashion, hates it when they call him gay because he wears pink. And C, who is gay, hates it when everything he does or says is being labeled as gay because really, his entire life isn’t defined by that one aspect of himself.

D, just likes going to concerts. And he loves it when his artists support his community with the flag. He’s so happy. He’s bisexual. He exists you know? Bisexuality exists.

And E, well E just wants to be able to hug his friend without being labeled gay, because he’s not. 

F says I love you to his best mate every day and he’s straight. He hugs him, he cries at his track competitions, and he has a girlfriend.

G has been abused her whole life. By a man she thought loved her. He’s way too older than her and he’s sick, fucking sick in the head because he’s been doing it to her since she was a child.

H is a friend. She has been fat-shamed and bullied for her appearance sincever I can remember. Really, really sad. So painful.

I could go on, couldn’t I? There are thousands for each letter of the alphabet. A, B, C, D, E, F, G and H are all people, humans I know. People like the tinhats. They’re not famous. They’re not girlfriends or boyfriends of famous people, they don’t belong in fandoms, they don’t know about conspiracy theories, they’re just.

Ordinary. Ordinary people.

Tinhats offend. Normal. Everyday people.

Go to A, tell her you think she’s a slut. Tell her you think marrying three times to find happiness is too many times, proof that she’s worthy of ridicule and worthy of jack-shit. Go to B, and tell him wearing pink and feminine clothes makes him gay. Go to C and tell him that everything he does and says is gay, everything proves his homosexuality, all of it, every.single.thing. is about him being gay. 

Go to D and tell him that the artist carrying a flag on stage really isn’t all about support or anything, it’s about them declaring that they’re gay, solely gay, and are sending messages to certain fans. Go to E and tell him that what he’s doing is definitely gay and go to F and tell him his girlfriend is really not his girlfriend because he’s in love with his best friend.

Then, go to G, and tell her that you get her pain. You totally get her pain because you know of a Celebrity that met another Celebrity when the latter were only a teen, and then later on the two ended up together but the former is so much older and they have always preyed on the latter and it is clear by “I think you’re cute” and it is so totally the same, proof of pedophilia, you get her pain.

And then, go to H, and tell her you feel so sorry that she’s getting bullied. Tell her you feel so sorry that there are horrible, ignorant people out there who bully others just for their appearance or certain parts of their bodies. Go tell her you will be there for her when at home, on your desk, there is a laptop, or in the backpocket of your jeans a phone,waiting, where every single day you log onto your social media and proceed to do exactly what it is that stabs at H every single day.

Bullying.

Then, come to me, a person who has struggled with mental issues since always and tell me, that, really, they’re not issues. It’s a plot. A plot for me to get attention, a plot for me to become the victim.

And then, when you’re done, with all of us, and you’ve heard our responses and you’ve seen our reactions and you continue, as always, not to care, log back onto your social media.

Call Cheryl a whore for marrying two times and call her an attention-seeker for keeping her husband’s name. It’s okay though, because she’s a celebrity, and she deserves it, all of it, because she’s made many mistakes and she’s a horrible person and she’s Liam’s “girlfriend”.

Do it to Camille too, because she’s famous and she mentioned Roman Polanski, and oh God she was naked and said Harry’s name and she’s Harry’s “girlfriend”.

And Eleanor too. And Briana, because, do you think they’re attractive? Idiot. Ordinary? Of course not, they’re “girlfriends”, and “mothers” and it’s okay to offend all of these women because they’re not women, they don’t represent humans because they’re the most horrible women in the world and by throwing remarks around towards all of them and these boys it’s okay because we’re activists and no one in the world who isn’t them would ever be offended and you know what-

I’m so fucking tired, honestly. Bullshit absolute bullshit. Everyday they offend someone by the shit the say. Every single day, they offend not one “girlfriend” but a hundred people.

But what do I know right? I’m just a mentally ill cockroach.

My question at soundcheck SLFL Amsterdam May 21
  • alright so i got the audio from a girl who secretly recorded it but she won't let me post it so imma type this all out for you
  • Michael: Hi!
  • Me: Hi! *hears myself through the speakers* wow. First of all, I wanna thank you so much for making me start playing bass, Calum. I love it so much.
  • Calum: *awws*
  • Ashton: Yeah!
  • Calum: That's awesome
  • Me: But my question is eh my crush asked me out a couple days ago..
  • 5sos: *cheers*
  • Crowd: *cheers*
  • Michael: Alright Calum don't get any ideas.
  • Me: So I was wondering if you have some DOs and DONTs for the first date.
  • Michael: What's your crush's name?
  • Me: *with dutch accent* Robert.
  • Crowd: *laughs*
  • Michael: We don't have that name in Australia. We Australians get names like Kevin or Greg.
  • Luke: Uhm, well...
  • Calum: What don't you do on a first date?
  • Luke: I don't know, I haven't really had a date.
  • Calum: I don't think there's like many rules for that.
  • Michael: I'm still really bad at the thing where I, you know when you're like 13,14 and you make fun of them a lot and you think that it's funny and then so like when I went on I date I just start being like, 'oh wow that's a lot of food' BUT IT'S MEANT TO BE FUNNY
  • Calum: uh oh
  • Michael: AND THEN IT'S REALLY AWFUL so I'm really accidentally mean to people, so don't do that.
  • Ashton: Don't go to the movies or the cinema.
  • Me: Oh but we're going to the movies.
  • 5sos: Oh noooo!
  • Luke: It's fine if you eat food first
  • Michael: HAVE YOU SEEN THE NEW X-MEN
  • Me: No I haven't.
  • Ashton: Do NOT go to the movies.
  • Calum: How old are you?
  • Me: 14
  • Calum: Yeah it's fine
  • Ashton: No, come on!
  • Luke: Just eat food and then go to the movies.
  • Ashton: See your mom's probably gonna drop you off, right? Mom, dad idk some significant whatever, they're gonna meet their parents there as well, cause you're both gonna get dropped off.
  • Me: I don't think so, we're going to cycle.
  • Ashton: *acts offended* Can you listen to me?
  • Michael: Do not go to the movies.
  • Ashton: You're not gonna get to know each other any better, cause you're gonna have to sit in silence, so I think if you go and sit somewhere and eat food and then go to the movie it's fine.
  • Luke: I don't know how well you know this dude, is he a nice person?
  • Me: Yes.
  • Michael: Don't go on dates.
  • Crowd: *laughs*
  • Michael: Just stay on the phone the whole time.
  • Ashton: Eat something first, doesn't have to be fancy.
  • Me: Okay.
  • Michael: Wait, what movie are you seeing?
  • Me: Idk yet.
  • Michael: You need to organize a movie first.
  • Me: Well he asked me out for tonight but I couldn't go soooo
  • 5sos: OOOOOH DAMN
  • Crowd: OOOHHHH SNAP
  • Ashton: You're just putting it out there, huh?
  • Crowd: *laughs*
  • Calum: Nice
  • Michael: Did he cry?
  • Ashton: As you can tell we really aren't the best people to ask so.
  • Michael: Yeah, we're not very good at this advice thing.
  • Ashton: We kinda skipped on our chance to go on dates and have just been in the dressing room for 5 years so you know.
  • Crowd: *awws*
  • Michael: Thank you!
  • Me: Thank you!
  • Michael: You could play him a song on bass.
  • yep so that was it i'm still dying lol gtg bye
SENTENCE MEME ~ SAINTS ROW IV VERSION
  • "Your file has been most interesting to read, ____."
  • "You tell anyone about that and I will rip every last resistor off your circuit board with my teeth."
  • "We're tight. We go way back."
  • "Oh. Wasn't worried..."
  • I don't wanna come off as a gushing fanatic but I've really enjoyed your work."
  • "Oh are you an actor!? I'm talking about how well you handle a gun, it's very impressive."
  • "I read your book when it came out."
  • "You teach diplomacy, I get called in when diplomacy fails."
  • "I just need to feel a familial connection, ya'know?"
  • "___ says I'm not really allowed to say that word anymore."
  • "Really!? What did you think?"
  • "I'd rather relive those days than drink another one."
  • "I hope you're not offended, but I'm not really familiar with your career."
  • "I hear you're also an actor."
  • "The great thing about you not knowing much about me is I can tell you bullshit like that."
  • "So all these years later has your opinion of me changed?"
  • "I'd rather not state the names if it's worth the same to you."
  • "That is a nice exterior you have."
  • "Alright, but make it quick."
  • "Permission to speak freely, ___?"
  • "I have come to a singular conclusion. You scare me..."
  • "In hindsight, do you see that as a wise decision?"
  • "I'll have you know everything we use is 100% designed and made in the U.S.A."
  • "You honestly can't believe that can you?"
  • "Yeah! Just like- Damn!"
  • "Why is that so hard to believe?"
  • "You make a very compelling point."
  • "Good, you're learning,"
  • "What? Me? No, I'm sure of thinking of somebody else."
  • "_____ and I had a long standing business arrangement."
  • "I don't believe you."
  • "I never understood why men with your natural martial talent never joined the special forces."
  • "What's it like being part if that?"
  • "Thank you for pointing that out."
  • "I can't really be there if I'm already there. You know what I mean?""
  • "Are you high?"
  • "Heard you kidnapped me or something."
  • "That was business."
  • "And what about seducing me and make me serve your every little fantasy?"
  • "Never really thought I'd be seeing you like this again."
  • "Hey, aggressive and vengeful is fun. Though I think that's the part you didn't catch on to."
  • "Uh, sometimes you have to spell it out for me."
  • "You ever take anything seriously?"
  • "I still don't believe you're real, you know."
  • "OK, now you're projecting here."
  • "Well you're a... Wait, what?"
  • "Hey, I just call it as I see it."
  • "Well, let me give you a tip. There is no even."
  • "I believe that you did that all on your own, little [GENDER]."
  • "What have you ever accomplished?"
  • "I was a big fan of yours."
  • "I learned so much from you."
  • "No, man. I learned so much about the real world. You know, the real world. With the people with no faces and messages on everything."
  • "Baby Jesus, you folks are freaks."
  • So, you got anything good on you?"
  • "I tried to kill you and you're hitting me up for ____?"
  • "Sounds perfect to me."
  • "Bet it was a good read."
  • "The list of people killed by you was the longest I'd seen in my entire career."
  • "Shit seemed so much simpler in the old days, didn't it _____?"
  • "What's so funny?"
  • "Not if you wanna keep breathing."
  • "It's like someone is intentionally trying to put us together to see what'll happen. Fucking fan-fiction."
  • "So, how many times?"
  • "I dunno fifty is pretty impressive."
  • "Despite everything I've done with my life, apparently that's what I'm known for."
  • "Well, you're in impressive company."
  • "Me? No, God no, of course not... not that I didn't consider it, once or twice."
  • "Why does everyone keep saying that?"
  • "Guess we both fucked up."
  • "Yeah, we were a pair, you and me."
  • "It is fucked up that we can talk right now."
  • "Looks like we were both too blind for our own good."
  • "Tried to blow 'em up on a boat."
  • "What? No, nothing like... ha, well I'll be damned."
  • "A-ahm. Then, how are you here?"
  • "I can't get over how much different you are from your other you."
  • "I guess you and me have a lot in common after all."
  • "How about that sport's team?"
  • "Hell, if someone wrote that in a book there isn't anyone in the world who'd read that shit."
  • "Why you gotta be a dream killer, man?"
  • "That chick told me something pretty interesting."
  • "She says a lot of crazy shit."
  • "I did mess you up pretty bad."
  • "I already won once. I don't need to do it again."
  • "How you holding up? Things getting too crazy for you?"
  • "Did I ever tell you about the time I choked a man to death with my bare hands?"
  • "I can still feel his pulse, beating against the palms of my hand, getting slower and softer, until nothing."
  • "Oh, where have you heard that?"
  • "From the last fantasy game I saw online."
  • "So, you were some big hotshot gangster?"
  • "Did it piss you off to find out she faked her death just to get out of her contract?"
  • "Hurts like a bitch when it's gonna rain."
  • "Watch yourself old man."
  • "Don't get mad at me for telling the truth."
  • "It's amazing the lives I've changed just telling my story."
  • "If I got even one kid off the street it was all worth it."
  • "This was not the downer I was looking for."
  • "Yeah, I had to give that up at some point."
  • "Cause I am totally family material."
  • "I'm not getting anywhere with this argument, am I?"
  • "Are you sure you do not want to go out with me sometime?"
  • "It is just that I have been alone for so long and you and I have so much in common."
  • "I gotta be honest, I don't see any real similarity."
  • "Thanks for rescuing me."
  • "It was on the way!"
  • "Why a whiny brat like him?"
  • "But he's so fucking annoying."
  • "Are you jealous that I did not approach you with the offer?"
  • "Wait, you haven't told anybody, have you?"
  • "Do you want me to tell everyone about what you kept in that locked drawer in your desk?"
  • "You set an example for a lot of men who were questioning their own fashion choices and maybe even who they were inside."
  • "Hold on. By repopulate you mean?"
  • "So, I hear you're really good with computers and stuff."
  • "I guess being taken hostage really changes you."
  • "He ended getting killed when he tattooed the number for the police department's tip hotline to the back of his hand."
  • "Why do humans see the need to permanently mark their body with ink?"
  • "Why do robots see the need to ask such stupid pointless questions?"
  • "You simply don't get it, you had no chance, ever."
  • "You heard about that psychotic witchdoctor before me?"
  • "Kind of a cliché answer."
  • "Kind of a cliché conversation."
  • "Good point. I'll be quiet now."
  • "You know, I had a best friend named ____ once."
  • "I hope for your sake that's a compliment."
  • "How are you enjoying the field work?"
  • "Mastermind is more my speed."
  • "An allure? Is it spy-code for dirt, blood, fire, nausea and the insufferable blatherings of monosyllabic enemies that all look alike?"
  • "I imagine they have already seen themself naked."
  • "What are you doing after this? Maybe see where things go?"
  • "You're not nearly the psychopathic killing machine I was led to believe."
  • "You and I share that."
  • "Oh God! You're one of those."
  • "A thug? Are you saying that I am just a thug?"
  • "You really wanna shut your mouth now, son."
  • "I admit I feel the most direct kinship with you."
  • "We're outcasts, you and I. Strangers even amongst peers."
  • "This is... probably a strange time to mention it, but you were one of the best bad guys."
  • "I even had one of your action figures."
  • "Who would have thought, eh? You and me fighting side by side."
  • "Your brawn and my brains, your sass and my good looks, we're like a buddy cop show."
  • "There's no way you could have known that information, my cover was flawless."
  • "Well, that's quite a theory you have there."
  • "You know, I was like you once, I thought I could take down ____ and carry on with business as usual."
  • "You know, that wouldn't have been a bad idea."
  • "It's nice to get to talk to you on a more personal level."
  • "On second thought, I have enough friends."
  • "You almost remind me of my former assistants."
  • "Well, they actually had a measure of intelligence"
  • "Hey, if you ever get back into the whole criminal thing again, I can totally get you the hookup for good product."
  • "You don't employ any crazy dudes with Machetes do you?"
  • "Do I make you uncomfortable? If so, I apologize."
  • "You are always backing away from me and giving sideways glances as if I am contagious."
  • "So you're the playa's right-hand man. How's that working out for you?"
  • "Sorry man, but you gotta let that shit go."
  • "Oh that's funny. Coming from the people who scarred my face."
  • "I'm not looking to make friends here."
  • "That about sums it up. Yeah."
  • "You think you've gone crazy, don't you?"
  • "You know, I'm a pretty popular singer now."
  • "I was thinking we can hang some time. I let you hear some of my tracks."
  • "I have been watching footage of your old fighting matches."
  • "Funny how two completely different worlds can create things that are so similar."
  • "I am sure it was completely coincidental. You will be hearing from my attorneys."
  • "It's nice to see a celebrity who can handle a gun, seems most of them can barely land a punch."
  • "I hear you brother, no shit."
  • "Guy who played you sounds nothing like you though."
  • "____ is more powerful than you can imagine."
  • "Are you saying I don't have personality?"
  • "Cool it, ___. I'm just fucking with you."
  • "Oh no! Don't even speak to me. You don't get that right."
  • "Open your mouth again and you'll be singing falsetto permanently."
  • "I know. Man, those were good times."
  • "I thought I listened to you die. I thought that if we'd only gone back for you we could've stopped it."
  • "I'm right here, I didn't die and besides, that wouldn't have been on you."
  • "I'd say sorry about ____, but that bitch nearly ran me over with her car."
  • "You know, we took on a whole gang of maniacal wrestlers in masks years ago."
  • "Oh, well. He's dead now."
  • "Ahh, it takes a strong soul to stand up to ____. Huh, you seem to me more than your hooker getup suggests."
  • "But you do look completely like a hooker."
  • "You are a terrible mistress and should be ashamed."
  • "Oh! Ah, terribly sorry. It's just, well, look at you."
  • "I like your shoes."
  • "Yeah, they're pretty nice, I guess."
  • "The skirt, looks good on you."
  • "Ya got anything to eat? I'm starving."
  • "I'm just saying I'm willing to forgive and forget if you are honey."
  • "You ain't getting close enough to shank me."
  • "This whole invasion thing has fucked up everything. You know?"
  • "You step out of line just once and I'll find an even bigger building to drop your ass from."
  • "Just how much of your body is tattooed?"
  • "Any chance you might be looking for a good time?"
  • "Streets are so noisy, I figure we could go some place more quiet. Maybe my place at nine. You bring the wine, I'll bring... my questions."
  • "Two glasses of that and I just can't control myself."
  • "Man, I loved you as a bad guy back in the day."
  • "Then you became a good guy and I was like what the hell."
  • "God! I don't know why the ____ calls in you people for help. I mean what the hell."
  • "Look, just because I was on the opposing side doesn't mean I'm some lesser being."
  • "I was a member of a voodoo gang. Thank you very much."
  • "So can you play music or anything useful?"
  • "Yes, I have quite a large library of music from your world."
  • "I thought you were some kind of servant robot, so come on play something."
  • "Is there any way I can get an autograph some time?"
  • "Personally I hate hippy bullshit."
  • "You, woah, this is trippy. I can't believe I'm hanging out with the guy from that Ghost Busting movie."
  • "You're like an empire god, you know all the tricks. I learned a lot. That's how I built a legion of loyal followers."
  • "You know someone who deals in tiny plastic toy ponies?"
  • "What the hell. This is bullshit, man."
  • "It's just, you know, it's a skirt. Not exactly the manliest outfit, especially for taking alien hordes in crime ridden city."
  • "Just because we're not in the ring doesn't mean I won't lay your ass out."
  • "You know what I wear under my kilt? Your girlfriend's lipstick."
  • "I gotta say ____ you're looking really good."
  • "Come on, if we're gonna work together you have to get over..."
  • "Nice. Something about power makes a woman really sexy."
  • "You know maybe after we're done here you and me should talk some more."
  • "I suppose ____ told you about the time I tried to get her take a bullet for me."
  • "Ehh. I've had guys do worse."
Prank? Part 1 - Requested (Calum)

Hello, this was requested by Anon a long time ago (Can you write a Calum imagine where he’s this really popular jock at school and you’re really shy and don’t have any friends and nobody at school really knows you and when Calum tries to ask you out bc he’s been admiring you and stuff you think it’s a prank and deny him? I love all of you girls’s writing) ENJOY!!!!

‘Erm excuse me’ you watch the guy in front of you, but he doesn’t turn around, not even spearing you a glance. 'Hey, erm excuse me could I get to my locker?’ You ask again, forcing your voice a little louder this time. He turns to look at you and rolls his eyes at the girl he was flirting with 'I’m a little busy here’ he glares at you before turning his back to you. 'But I just need to get into my locker’ you try again, 'Shut the fuck up’ the girl looks over the guys shoulder, spitting the words at you.

'HEY! Peters come check this out’ you hear a voice from behind you yell, the guy in front turn too and nods winking at the girl before jogging over to Calum, you only glance for a second but it long enough for Calum to catch your eye and nod to you. He’s been doing it for weeks helping you out without actually talking to you, he always seems to be there, when you dropped your books on Monday he helped pick them up, when you lost your gym shorts he threw you his spare pair, when you forgot your assignment he told the teacher he didn’t have his either although you had seen him reading it over only moments before. But never have you sent a word each other’s way.

You hurry to history class, sitting in your usual seat at the back, and you play on your phone under your desk as Mr Simmons goes on and on Bout the new project. 'So go ahead, pick your partners, and remember it’s gonna take up a couple of weeks so pick someone you don’t mind spending time with’ he finishes, finally catching your attention when someone drops an assignment brief in your desk. You start to read it knowing you will pair up with Kila she’s your best friend but is ill today.

'Do you have a partner?’ You spin your head to see Calum sitting next to you, you haven’t even noticed him. 'Yeah, yeah I do’ you mumble looking back down to the assignment. 'You pairing with Kila?’ He asks and you nod now looking up. 'I’m sure Mr S won’t mind us being a three’ he continues, you look up now, your eyes meeting his brown ones for a moment. 'Why?’ You ask, only coursing him to laughs a little as he looks at the brief in front of you and pulls it over the table a little so he can see it. 'Why not?’ You don’t have an answer and it is left there. Spending the rest of the lesson going over the assignment.

'So are you free to come mine tonight?’ He asks as you shove your things into your bag. 'No’ toy answer is quick and blunt. 'I mean I am but why don’t you come mine?’ You ask and he smirks. 'I wasn’t planning on drugging you’ he jokes 'you never know’ you’re looking down at you bag as you say it stone faced, when you look up he licks his lips as though to try and not smile. 'Okay, I will be at you’re at 6’ he tells you throwing his bag in his back.

'Don’t you need my address?’ You call as he walks towards the door, he turns walking backwards 'Black door, black gates, big drive, number 12’ he laughs a little as you assume you look quit shocked 'I live down the street (Y/N) I’m not completely oblivious of my surroundings’ and then he is gone.

________

‘So I bought pizza, my mum told me your parents are out of town soo..’ Calum grins when you open the door sending you a wink. ‘Well how can I reject pizza?’ you joke stepping aside so he can come in. ‘That was the plan. But my question is what was your plan’ he asks raising an eyebrow as your eyes narrow confused. ‘Well you don’t want to come to my house but you got me into your empty house, now who seems like they are gonna drug who?’ he asks and you start to laugh. ‘Damn I’m caught I was gonna slip it in your drink’ you tease, you see a smirk grown on his lips as your eyes lock for a second before you walk past him into the living room, plopping down next to the coffee table you look up to Calum nodding for him to sit too. You both get straight to work, after you run upstairs to get your brother laptop for Calum to use seems as he forgot his own. The doorbell rings through the house forty minutes after he arrives and you stop laughing to answer, grabbing your purse from the arm of the sofa you pay for the pizza and go back in to Calum. ‘Pizza?’ he raises an eyebrow and you laugh ‘Yep. I ordered it before you got here’ you tell him, ‘Well great minds think alike’ he nods approving and you laugh as you throw it in the middle of the table ‘Double pizza means double the work’ you wink grabbing a slice, holding it between your teeth as you click onto a new information page on your laptop. You can feel Calum looking at you and slowly look over your laptop screen and he is smirking a little.

‘What? Do I have something on my face?’ you sass making him laugh a little ‘I was just trying to figure you out’ he tells you, making you frown a little ‘I’m simple Calum, not much to figure out’ you laugh but he shakes his head. ‘No, no, because your quite at school, like the shy girl that sits at the back doing her work, people assume you’re a nerd, a book worm but I notice you, silently getting pissed off with people, playing on your phone at the back of the class, handing work in late, you’re not what people think and then I get to your house and we talk like we have known each other our whole lives, you’re so easy, and I am wondering why you’re not like this at school?’ he finishes, you can feel your heart pounding, had he really been watching you so closely.

‘I like to keep myself to myself, but when people make time for me, I make time for them.’ You explain ‘So if someone doesn’t speak to you first you won’t give them the time of day, doesn’t seem very fair’ he judges and you hear it in his voice, coursing offend, you like how you are, no one ever makes you feel bad about yourself but Calum in only an hour had made you care about what he thinks. ‘I never said that, don’t fucking judge me Calum, you don’t know anything about me. You know I have tried with people in school, in our first year I was never like that. You people pushed me out and so I made myself happy..’ he stops you shaking his head. ‘Wait, us people, us people who?’ he seems angry now.

‘You, you and the rest of the judging arshole at that school, you all walk around thinking you’re so much better than everyone else, half of you don’t actually like the people you call friends.’ You are almost shouting as he shakes his head you let out a sigh. ‘I think you should go’ you whisper ‘Yeah, I’m going’ he stands leaving quickly and you flip the box of pizza in anger.

___________________________________

‘(Y/N), (Y/N) wait up, hey’ you can hear Calum calling you but you carry on walking, turning the music in your ears louder so you can’t hear him, until one is tugged from you, you sling your head in his direction. ‘What do you want?’ you ask your voice harsh and he shakes his head. ‘I’m sorry about last night, I didn’t mean to upset you..’ his voice is kinda soft and you can hear that he means what he is saying but you cut him off anyway ‘Whatever Calum, its fine, I’m gonna finish the project with someone else’ you tell him trying to walk a little quicker. But he grabbed your hand pulling you back a little, ‘Wait, come on we work well, plus I wanted to ask you something’ he tells you, making you stop to turn to him. ‘What Calum?’ you sigh.

‘Come on a date with me, just one and if you hate it then that’s it’ his words shock you and you find yourself scoffing, ‘I knew it, I fucking knew there was a reason you were being nice to me, is this a prank, am I some kind of joke between you and the footballers?’ she sneer, but his eyebrows knit together and he shakes his head, but you turn again walking off pissed.

‘I don’t understand why you assume I’m a dick, you don’t actually know me, you don’t know my friends, you said we judge but that’s ridicules because look at you, you can’t even see when someone actually likes you because your judgement is clouding what’s right in front of you. This isn’t a prank, I like you, your pretty, you’re really fucking hot in this like hidden way and your interesting, different.’

You take a moment to look at him, his eyes soft as they lock with yours, a small smirk tugging his lips as he realises the longer you take to answer the more likely you are today yes. You roll your eyes and nod a little ‘Fine, fine okay yeah, just one though’ you remind him as you rush ahead leaving him behind. 

Part 2

Part 3

From Cheslea

anonymous asked:

(1 of 2) Do you have any thoughts/a position on John Green that you mind sharing? You and he are two of my favorite people (neither of you write in my preferred genres, but I find you both very talented. More than that, though you both seem to genuinely do your best to make the world a better place), so it's a bit disheartening that most of your references to him seem to be on the disparaging side. In case you haven't seen it, on his tumblr he says he loves the metaphor jokes, so I think his

(2 of 2) tweet was clearly a joke. And he also responded to a question and states Gus *is* definitely pretentious. I know you were responding to someone (who apparently is misunderstanding pretension), but your response seems to indicate that you don’t have a very high opinion of John. If it’s just not being a fan of his work, I understand. But he seems to have addressed most criticisms (transphobia/misogyny/other) openly and well, so I’m curious if there’s anything I’ve missed. Thanks.

The thing about the tweet is that I didn’t even assume it was a real tweet of his. It didn’t sound like him, to me. 

So why did I reblog it? Because it’s funny. It could be a real tweet. It could be something someone else set up as a joke. That doesn’t matter, because either way, the point is the humorous reactions. 

Similarly, why do I keep reblogging the “metaphor” posts? Because they’re hilarious. I see about ten times cross my dash as I actually bother to reblog. There are so many that it’s only the ones that genuinely make me laugh that I bother with.

It’s got nothing to do with how I feel about a scene in a book/movie I haven’t read/watched, or what I think of the author. It’s just plain funny, and evidently, he agrees, so I’m not sure what the damage is if I enjoy them, too.

To be honest, I think incredibly little of John Green, and I mean that in both senses of “to think very little”. i don’t think of him very often, and my opinion of him is not that high when I do. 

I can’t watch his videos. I can’t stand them, because when a guy is talking as loud and fast as he and his brother do, my brain reacts to it as hostility, and hostility from guys is one of the scariest things in the world to me. Since his videos are his major point of presence in the pop culture, I’m sort of doomed to miss out on whatever it is he’s actually about, for better or for worse.

I think the people who point out the fact that he gets attention for doing things (vlogging, YA fic) that get women dismissed, ignored, or attacked are making an incredibly cogent point, and while it’s more a cultural critique than a criticism of his behavior, I think it’s something that both he and his fans should take on board.

I’m not saying it’s a reason not to like him. I’m saying it’s a reason to at least occasionally reflect on how much attention is paid to him.

As for how he’s addressed criticisms… has he? Like, I don’t follow him, so it’s possible I missed something, but if you’re talking about things like this… you really ought to demand more.

I’m not going to pick apart the entire thing because I have things to do, but think about just the last paragraph, “It was a joke, in context it was clearly a joke.” Yeah, jokes about women being resources are part of how culture spreads and reinforces the idea that women are resources. If that’s what he comes up with as a joke, it is almost certainly a reflection on some level of how he feels… and if by some chance it isn’t, then it’s still giving aid and comfort to people who do feel that way.

I mean, the full offending quote in that case was “Nerd girls are the world’s most underutilized romantic resource. And guys, do not tell me that nerd girls are not hot because that shows a Paris Hilton-esque failure to understand hotness.” That quote is just dripping misogyny. Both sentences. Saying it was a joke doesn’t change the fact that it’s a misogynistic joke that relies on misogynistic premises.

As defenses go, “It was a joke.” is right up there with contesting the idea that you stabbed someone with a knife by pointing out that it was a bayonet.

And yes, he’s apologizing for it. He’s saying it was bad and wrong. But he can’t do that without saying “IT WAS A JOKE. CAN’T YOU PEOPLE TELL IT’S A JOKE? GET OVER IT.” This is a huge red flag that he’s apologizing because he feels that he has to, but doesn’t think this should be the case… the fault is not in him but in his audience.

TL;DR - If you want to see me disparaging John Green, talk to me some more about him. Otherwise, I’ll be happy to ignore him, when there’s not a brilliant pop cultural meme producing hilarious jokes that involve his properties.