Imagine Steve wasn't in love with Bucky Barnes before his big freeze, but now he's falling head over heels for the Winter Soldier
Steve wasn’t confused
about his feelings. Not really. He’d been attracted to men just as much as he
had been women. He might’ve had to keep
his attraction to men fairly quiet until he woke up in the twenty-first
century, but he’d never been confused about feeling how he did.
The confusing part was
Bucky. Or, maybe the confusing part was
that it wasn’t Bucky. He wasn’t sure what the difference was, exactly, and what
it meant that he hadn’t been attracted to Bucky before he was the Winter
Solider, but he was now that Bucky wasn’t the Bucky he used to know.
He wasn’t sure if it was
the hair, or that shared life experience he’d mentioned to Natasha once, or if
it was something else that Steve thought, somewhere deep down, that he should
feel bad about because the change in Bucky had come at the expense of so much.
Bucky wasn’t the Bucky he
remembered and that difference made all the difference. He was darker and haunted and as strong as
–if not stronger- than Steve and there was something wily that shifted behind his eyes, sometimes, that
made Steve’s stomach flip.
Bucky noticed. And made sure to bring it up when he knew he’d
catch Steve off-kilter enough to talk about it (exhausted after sparring. Steve would be damned if Bucky hadn’t timed
it perfectly because he knew how good Steve thought he looked exhausted and
“You wanna do something
about it, or are you trying to see how frustrated you can make yourself?”
“What?” Steve sputtered. He wasn’t ready and didn’t know what to say
and felt guilty that he was attracted to Bucky (the Winter Solider) now that he
had seventy years of unspeakable horrors behind him. Steve wondered what that said about
Bucky sighed. “I see the way you watch me. Did you always do that?”
“You mean did I do it when
– Before?” Steve managed to keep his voice
Let it never be said that
Steve Rogers backed down from a confrontation.
Bucky nodded, watching
Steve carefully, searching his face for.
Something. When he finally spoke,
it was much quieter, secret-sharing. “I
was hoping you’d say that.”
“What?” Steve leaned back
against his locker. He was pretty sure
the wold was tilting on it’s axis.
“Steve, I – I’ve been
wandering around thinking you’re mooning over someone I’m not anymore and – and
it’s not true. You want me, not him. I mean – you know.”
Steve nodded. “Yeah, Buck.
I do. But what does that say
“-Stop. We’re both different. This might be the best excuse to finally forgive
yourself for the fact that seventy years just happened to change us both.”
It was Steve’s turn to
pick apart Bucky’s expression and when he’d done so to his satisfaction he
reached out towards Bucky, who leaned in in kind.
JARVIS ensured the locker
room was off-limits for the next week.
(First for the privacy of Captain Rogers and Sargent Barnes, and second
for the repairs necessary to the space once they were through with it).
Buckle up, kids, because I’m about to lay out the good cheesy content. It’s got everything your lactose-intolerant heart desires (that’s right, boys, take it to the bank: this one’s for all you can’t-eat-dairy folks out there. And the rest of you, too.)
*The recipe below contains approximations of measure, seeing as I didn’t measure zip.shit while actually cooking up this bad boy. If it’s got a * next to it, it means I’m guesstimating– and for this bad boy, guesstimating is probably good enough.
People hold hands a lot in LOTR and it’s really nice? It’s not just Frodo and Sam, but I never noticed before this reread. Pippin just now took Gandalf’s hand, and earlier he’d taken I think Bergil’s, a kid (ten, so old enough to walk around without help) he just met, as they walked around the city. So it’s apparently not weird, it’s just a Normal Thing.
Vaguely of relevance as well is the fact that Frodo says “he is very dear to me” of Aragorn after, what, about a fortnight of knowing him. I’m not saying he doesn’t have cause; it was a very crowded and busy fortnight. I too would probably call someone very dear to me if they had saved me from dying from stabbery and guided my friends safely through the wilderness.
It’s just all those ‘my dear Sam’ and ‘I love him’ that he and Sam do, even though they’re a product of extreme circumstances, aren’t even out of line with the culture they live in. They’re still just as meaningful, and I don’t think their power is decreased by that. I just think it’s notable that this isn’t even beyond the bounds of “propriety” for really close friends in high stress situations.
This isn’t where I meant this post to go, but I think this is why this story resonated with me so hard specifically as an aro and why I still don’t ship anything romantically in the Tolkienverse, because the world of Middle Earth is one where loving your close platonic friends and companions to the point of being physically and verbally affectionate is a normal occurrence. It’s just how things are. There’s a lot to be said about the cultural implications of that vs here and now, but I’m not really in a position to say it. But I think even before I knew How I Was, I knew that friends were much more important to me than romance seemed to be. And I feel, with the preponderance of love interests in most adult fiction, like Lord of the Rings was the first Grown Up Story where I saw that aspect of myself reflected.
AH JEEZ IT’S BEEN A WHILE HUH? My Creative Writing classes sort of consumed my creativity for a while, so I wasn’t able to get much done. I’d like to say we’re out of the woods on that front, but next semester is bound be worse so ;_; In the mean time, though, summer is here and I’ve got the time and energy to get back into the fray!
In the coming months, I’ll have a freer schedule and mind to (ideally) start producing more, but at the moment, have this pic. In the meanwhile, I’ve been trying to keep up my artwork by drawing here and there. Here’s a DE-relevant pic for that:
It’s Night! She’s… fairly important to the story. You might’ve spotted a mention of her in the demo - or as my new avi pic up there.
name: Kahlia nickname: don’t have one but I knew this girl that called me ‘C’ which makes literally no sense zodiac sign: piscies height: like 5'7 or something idk orientation: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ nationality: australian/ nz favourite fruit: I’m thinking pineapple favourite season: autumn or spring favourite book: that’s too much pressure man favourite flower: umm favourite scent: books or coffee or rain favourite colour: blue coffee, tea or hot cocoa: coffee or cocoa, depends on my mood average sleep hours: I get like 7/8 hours but will still cry about it cat or dogs: BOTH favourite fictional character: Rhys or Warner or ???? idk I have too many number of blankets you sleep with: 1 dream trip: everywhere pls blog created: april 2016 number of followers (you don’t have to put this if you don’t want to): 1,026 ❤❤❤ (I still need to find a way to say tyyy?!!?)
anyway i, a mentally ill adhd'er, got my driver’s license today at 22 years old after 6+ years of driving being one of my biggest fears in the known universe. i was 100% convinced i was going to fail and i didn’t. so that’s pretty chill
listen, y'all can admit that the beatles (all four of them, I mean every single one of them) was a shitty person sometimes?? who did shitty things?? we don’t have to debate on the “"level”“ or ”“who did worse things,” they all sucked
at the risk of turning this into a “ur fave is problematic” post, i mean…you can still like their music. you can still like them, full stop. but the level of excuses and explaining stuff away in this fandom is unreal, even more so because what’s going on now is just the current manifestation of what’s been happening for a while (I think john gets singled out a lot because his tragic early death leads to him becoming more of a martyr figure than the others, so others are quicker to jump on him first, to pop that balloon of an inflated legacy).
like. I love them all. but we gotta deal with all this too