The List (Part One)
A/n: OH MY GOODNESS I AM SO SORRY! This ended up being very personal (tbh it should just be called Why G has anxiety) all italics are flashbacks. Also, this is written differently than the other fics I’ve written, so I hope you like it! -G
Pairing: Loki x Reader
Warnings: Mentions of self-hate, anxiety, swearing?
It was strange, going through her things without her there. He would’ve asked permission but he couldn’t. She’d been gone for a month or so, and the god hated to admit it but he missed her, and he needed something to remind him of her. So he started going through some boxes in their shared closet. After finding an old report card, Loki figured that he was digging through the girls old school books. Pulling out a few notebooks he leafed through the pages of old writing. Stories she wrote as a child and something about a land for zebras to live happily. The god chuckled when he found an old photo of her on, what appeared to be, her first day of school. Her hands gripped the straps of her bag tightly, and she was giving the camera a large, toothy smile.
He continued to flip through the notebooks finding that the stories began to gain more depth and the writing became neater. He examined the girl’s notes in history and the comments she made on her teacher.
“This unit would be so much better if we actually got to learn about mythology" he read “not like Mr. V would know shit about that either the only thing he knows about Vikings is the football team.”
Loki smiled again, he somehow always forgot that she enjoyed the bedtime stories told about him.
He continued to smile as he read on about the horrible Mr. V and how this man somehow made her hate history class more than math. Her hatred for her teacher became more apparent as there were fewer notes and more doodles covering the lined paper. His smile didn’t fade until he flipped through a few empty pages finding one that was full among them.
“Things That Bother Me” he read. Her handwriting had matured again, and it was as if he was reading a poem she’d written him yesterday.
- The way I look
The god was confused, the two of them had been dating for about a month. He figured that was a miracle on its own, but she seemed to be growing distant.
“Is everything alright?” he asked her one night
“Yeah,” she shrugged “everything is fine. Why?”
“You just seem,” Loki paused looking for the right words “different,”
Her face grew pale, and she looked down at her lap “I’m alright,” she stated
“Are you trying to convince me or yourself?” he asked
“I dunno,” she sighed “I just, why me?”
“What do you mean why you?” the trickster questioned
“Why did you choose me?” you asked “There are far better-looking women in the world and you picked me,”
“Darling, the way I see it, you are the most beautiful woman on this planet,” he assured her
“Thanks,” she smiled weakly
Loki sighed “Who made you think you weren’t beautiful.”
She shrugged again “I dunno, me I guess,”
“Well you are unbelievable,” he said, “and you have the best ass in all the nine realms.”
She chuckled “I knew you were only here for my butt,”
“That amongst other things,” the god’s eyes darkened
“Do tell,” she smirked
Loki’s mind raced with the memories of that night. Thinking back it was the first time she’d opened up to him, the first time her anxiety had leaked through the shield she put up around herself.
2. I’m talentless
Loki frowned, how could she think she was talentless? She had done so many amazing things.
The trickster peered over her shoulder trying to see what was drawn out on the pad in front of her. It looked like a bunch of shapes to him, but she’d gone through several papers.
“What are you doing?” he asked sitting next to her on the sofa
“Nothing,” she replied making wild movements with her hand on the paper
“What are these?” he questioned uncrumpling the papers next to him
“Aren’t you just full of questions?” she said taking the papers from him
“I’m just curious,” he responded sneaking a piece of paper away and hastily unfolding it “that’s me,”
“It’s not good,” she said
“It’s amazing,” he responded
She narrowed her eyes “I’ve seen better,”
“Well, I like it,” Loki confessed, “maybe I’ll show Thor?”
“You wouldn’t dare,” she said “not that one,”
“There are others?” he questioned
“What do you think I’m working on right now?” she said
It took a few hours, but that was the last paper she used that night. A day or so later Loki saw her sitting on the sofa with a blank page in front of her.
“Did you finish the last one?” he asked
“Kinda,” she said “I don’t really like it,”
“Do you ever?” he questioned taking the pad from her and flipping to the picture. It was one of the best drawings he’d seen. It was as if he was staring at a picture she’d taken
“What don’t you like?” he asked
“The shading is all wrong” she responded
“I see,” he replied carefully removing the picture from the pad
“What are you doing?” she questioned taking the pad away from him
“I’m taking this,” he stated, “I look like a king.”
“That’s the point,” she smiled “you really like it?”
“The only thing it’s missing is a crown,” Loki commented
“Gimme,” she replied taking the drawing from him and doodling something on it. When she handed it back, the god noticed a small crown floating above his head.
“Much better” he smirked
3. I think things that aren’t true
He found her curled in a ball in her closet, tears stained her cheeks. The god didn’t know what to do, should he comfort her? Should he leave her? Maybe she just needed to be alone, or maybe she needed someone there but couldn’t ask. He didn’t enter the closet, but he sat down in the doorway if she needed someone she had someone, but if she didn’t the girl could easily ignore him. He noticed her sobs begin to quiet, like she was holding her breath, trying to hide.
“It’s just me,” he called softly
Her breath hitched, and he could see her curl tighter in the closet.
“Do you want me to come in?” Loki asked
“N-no” she muttered “yes…”
The god frowned and crawled into the closet and pulled the girl into his arms. He didn’t ask her anything he just held her if she needed to talk he was there but if she didn’t want to, there was no pressure.
“Y-you weren’t supposed to see this,” she paused “see this me.”
“It’s alright love,” he assured “I understand,”
“I’m sorry,” she cried
“For what?” the god asked pulling her closer
“For- for not telling you,” her breathing became more sporadic “for not being, being who you thought I was”
“Darling it’s alright,” he said calmly “I promise, just breathe ok?”
She nodded trying to calm herself and breathe with him. That night she fell asleep in his arms, they both slept in the closet.
4. I’m not a nice person
Loki looked at the words, again and again, he could actually understand this one, sort of. Y/n did have a tendency to snap at people or be sassy, and sometimes she was rude, but she always had a reason. Generally, if you didn’t piss her off, she was kind and usually caring.
“Don’t you fucking dare,” she scowled
“Don’t what?” Tony asked
“Don’t act like you’re better than him,” she said, “don’t act like you haven’t made your fair share of mistakes.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t try to kill an entire race or take over the world,” he retorted
“But your robot child did,” she countered
“He’s not my child, and Bruce helped too,” Tony stated
“Bro,” Bruce said looking up from his papers
“He didn’t want to help,” she replied “besides Ultron was your idea,”
“Well I’m not inherently evil like him,” Tony said
You groaned “He is not inherently evil, I figured you’d understand him, try to at least get along with him but no.”
“Why should I?” he asked
“Because he’s going to be living here and you can’t just ignore him, and you can’t be a dick to him,” you answered
“Aww,” he pouted “don’t want me to hurt his ego?”
“No, I don’t want to hurt yours,” the girl glared
“Sweetheart,” Tony started before Bruce cut him off
“Bad idea man” he called from his desk
“I thought you weren’t getting involved” Tony called back
“As much fun as it is to watch her kick your ass I don’t want to clean it up again,” Bruce replied
“Just try to be nice to him,” she said
“Fine,” he paused “but if he’s an ass.”
“You’re going to be the better person,” you finished for him and walked out.
Loki may not have been the argument, but Thor had told him to go to you if he had issues with everyone and he soon learned the story. He didn’t understand exactly why you stood up for him without knowing him yet, but he had to admit it was a nice change.
5. I have no friends
That was a blatant lie, in fact, she was out with her friends now. Not just her friends her family. Loki wanted to delve into this list a bit further, use it as a way to help. That was if he could help if she wanted his help. But as he was about to read the next item on the page her voice rang through the air. She wasn’t due back for another day, the mission must’ve been easier than they thought.
“Loki?” She asked he rushed to shove the notebook back where he found it and pull out a photo album knowing he wouldn’t have enough time to put away the box.
“I didn’t know you looked this cute as a baby?” he said as she walked through the door her cheeks flushed red
“What are you doing,” she asked
The god merely shrugged putting the photo album back along with the box it came from.“You were gone an awfully long time, darling,” he said
“Aww, you missed me” she teased
“I did not” he stated
“Did too” she sang walking out of the room “how about we fix that with a movie?”
“As you wish” Loki called getting up from his spot in the closet
“Just for that we’re watching The Princess Bride” she smiled.
It was hard for Loki to believe that she couldlook and seem this happy after what he had just read. He figgured that after reading eb=ven just part of the note he’d see all the things he missed before but she hid it so well. No wonder no one knew what was really going on in the girls mind.
A/n: I hope you guys liked it! Part 2 should b out next week? I am so sorry it took me so long! -G