but i also hate it because it reduces me to an ugly crying mess

Walking Through A Storm

This is for the anon that made me excited for writing once again!

Tags: Fluff, Angst

Summary: Dan keeps his fears in the shadows, guarded always. But his parents have always managed to bring out the ugly side in him. It’s time to stop running away and brave the inevitable.

Warnings: Homophobia, Anxiety

Word Count: 1.8 k

read on ao3


“I don’t wanna be here and I know you don’t too.” Dan’s pout can be heard in his voice.

“Be nice, c’mon.” Phil is unsurprisingly, ever the optimistic.

They are standing in front of Dan’s parents’ house, bags packed for a day’s visit. The BONCAS win had made Dan’s parents, albeit reluctantly, assent to the career path Dan had chosen. It was a pity that an award had made them give in, but it was better than the strained phone conversations.

“It’s going to be fine, Dan, they’re your parents, they love you and will look out for you.”  Phil pecks his cheek and gives him a small smile.

“Hey! None of this here,” but he can’t help but be more cheery than before.

“Got it, your Highness, my affection has no place in this city for I am a mere plebeian-”

Dan’s laugh is cut off when the door swings open. With the theme of change that has been going, both of his parents are there to welcome him. Dan immediately straightens and sends a nervous stare in Phil’s direction. Some habits do die hard. He is suddenly reminded of the first time he had introduced Phil and the nervous current passes through his body once again.

“Hello Mr and Mrs Howell! It’s so good to see you!” Phil sounds so genuine; it pulls at Dan’s heart strings. He finds himself falling in love with the man he is with over and over between smiles and candid words.

“Hello, mum and dad! Looking good!”

“Oh look at you Daniel, you look so grown up, you too Phil; come on in, can’t let stars standing outside the door for too long.”

‘She manages to sound even more sincere than me, the BONCAS really did something,’ Dan thinks, faking a smile. They step in the house, pulling their individual suitcases that Dan was ridiculously particular about.

Dan’s mum is talking to Phil, probably guiding him to Adrian’s room now that he is off to university. Phil’s face is honest and open as he listens to Dan’s mum. He doesn’t fight the faint smile that creeps up on his face.

“I’m glad that you have gotten past the bad parts of your life.” Dan’s dad stresses on the words bad parts in a way that makes his skin crawl. He begrudgingly swallows the bile and the disgust that threatens to tumble and flashes his teeth to his dad.

“I’m proud of you son!” Words that Dan waited his childhood to hear now sting him as his dad pats him on his back. He hears the words that are not spoken. ‘I’m glad that you are not with a man now, you are no longer an embarrassment’

His chest closes up walking through familiar halls that repressed him, walls that loomed over him trying to snatch away his identity. The house manages to make him feel small again; fear that he grew acquainted with and fought with, returning.

*

He unpacks in his room. Phil is in Adrian’s.  Living in separate rooms is not foreign to them, but existing together should be natural in a homely environment. He thinks about the Lesters’ and their chattering and warm grins, a stark contrast to the coldness of his house.

The mechanical motion of putting his clothes in place is a respite from the negative thoughts. It should be comical really, if it wasn’t so sad; that he now 25 years old, sneaks in his boyfriend to his parents’ house.

“Dan, your mum and I are going out for a while; we’ll be in time for dinner!”

“Okay dad, enjoy!” he shouts.

His parents aren’t even bothering to pretend to entertain them. Classic.

*

“Hey,” Phil’s voice is barely above a whisper.

“Hi” Dan turns to face him. Phil looks tired. He has dark circles under his eye and his old hoodie fits a little too tight on him. He settles on Dan’s bed with his knees bent up trying to look as small as possible. He has his glasses on, a sign of weariness. He has never looked so beautiful, curled up on Dan’s old bed. He doesn’t deserve this.

A wave of anger washes over him.

“I can’t believe them. It’s 2016 and they still behave like this! Is it really so bad that I have a boyfriend. I thought they could change. I thought that accepting me being a youtuber was a sign that they would come around. But boy was I wrong,” he says bitterly.

“All I wanted was approval, ever since I was young. I am proud of you is not difficult to utter. He says those words now, when he thinks I am a straight lad, being just bros with you. Why is it so difficult to just accept goddamn! I’m not even close with Adrian because of avoiding their shit. When will they let me be who I am, when can I stop pretending Phil, when can I stop pretending?” He breaks down on the last sentences.

Phil walks up to him. “You’re too pretty to be crying.”

“Do you like me only for my looks,” Dan jokes.

“Uhmm yes-” Phil smiles and kisses him near his mouth. Dan laughs.

“Now that is what I wanted to see, my… animal cracker”

“Philll-”

Phil kisses him on the mouth, firm and insistent. Phil’s hand is in his hair, tugging lightly. He keeps his hand on Phil’s steady shoulders as Phil licks into his mouth. It’s intoxicating really, Phil’s aftershave is all he can smell, his little noises all he can hear. There is a thrill in kissing someone familiar; he knows the curve of Phil’s lips, his tongue that is licking into his mouth, his teeth that bite his lower lip just the way that makes him mad. He moans, opening his mouth a little more, his hand now inching towards Phil’s thighs. Phil sighs-

“Dan, do you need- Oh my!” Dan’s mum barges in his room.

They rush away from each other.

“Honey, what’s the matter,”

Dan’s dad walks into the room. His face hardens as he analyses the situation.

“Come on, we were leaving, they clearly don’t need anything.” He leaves the room, not bothering to meet Dan’s eyes.

The sound of the door locking matches the crack in Dan’s heart. He hugs Phil, who looks as disconsolate as he feels. “It’s not your fault” he murmurs between the crook of Phil’s neck. “I’ll just be back in a minute.”

*

Phil realises Dan needs to be alone. He takes these sentiments particularly hard. Dan is sensitive, way too loving. His entire being is filled with affection that he tried to hide under his ‘danisnotonfire’ persona. It is his honour to see him bloom into himself, a pure, tender man with fondness bleeding through him.

But Dan is not just this man he has come to love he is also an exposed child, craving for his parents’ praise. Phil can never relate to that, he is what he is because of his parents’ support. He can never understand what Dan goes through; can never recognize the tension that flashes underneath tight lipped words.

He will definitely understand if Dan breaks up with him. The warmth of parental love is irreplaceable.

Phil is pacing the room now, a habit he picked up from Dan. He keeps running his hands through his hair, messing it up and trying to smooth it again.

He keeps imagining situations where Dan breaks up with, his parents materialising behind him. It’s torture, really, mulling over various circumstances.

Dan’s voice breaks his train of thoughts. “Hey, sit with me in the living room for a while?”

“Yeah sure,” Phil nods. It’s all he can manage.

*

The living room smells musty, like it has not had fresh air in for a long time. It looks exactly how it looked when Dan left home 7 years ago; it’s an eerie reflection of his parents’ beliefs, he snickers bitterly. Phil and he are sitting on a lonely sofa pushed to the back of the room.

There is a clock ticking in the background, consistent. Its regular thud sends a wave of anxiety down his spine. The noise of the fan does not help to soothe his growing anxiety. Phil is holding his hand, his one connection to the world.

Dan’s mind is a whirlwind, his thoughts pitch black and cyclonic. Phil senses this and is quiet. Moments like these, with Phil’s hand in his and murky thoughts choking him take him to a place years ago, in Manchester with his parents’ voices in his head and a raging war in his chest. A lot has changed since then, but sharp words still reduce him to this.

Dan hates this, hates how deep cuts run when spilled with anger.

He has learnt to be strong all these years, learnt that can you build yourself up with love and understanding. He can stand up for himself and for his love, the cuts aren’t deep when sweet words fill them up.

*

His parents arrive home late at night. His thoughts have taken a steep turn from when they walked on them.

“I’m done, come with me,” Dan’s words send a shiver down his spine. Dan’s eyes are determined, his expression stoic and not giving away anything. It sends Phil down a pit of desolation. He lets himself be pulled by Dan towards his parents. He suddenly feels detached, feels all hope leave his body.

Nausea overtakes him.

Dan is no longer looking at him, his eyes ablaze and staring at his unsuspecting parents, but he tightens his hold on Phil’s hand. He tries to make that into a good thing, but it is difficult when he feels like he is staring into imminent despondency.

Dan clears his throat.

“I’m tired mum and dad. You both have tried to control and micro manage my life, you made me scare to be myself, something that I always have propagated. Congratulations on making me think and overthink all my actions so that I’m just a pool of anxiety and nothing else.”

Dan’s parents shift around uncomfortably. Their gaze settles on where their hands are linked, a single sign of intimacy.

“But I have learnt that it is okay to express myself, to not just exist but live like who I am. It has been a journey but there always has been a person I can rely on.”

He looks at Phil now, a small smile reserved for him.

“And I am not going to leave that person for the sake of your discomfort or the ‘humiliation’ you will face. You are homophobic, accept the fact. You don’t care about me. No amount of sugar you coat on your ugly words will change the fact that you are not concerned about my well-being.”

Phil can sense the change in the environment. He feel proud of the man he calls his partner. He flashes him a smile to see that Dan is already looking at him, his face open and fulfilled. Dan kisses him gently, hands still linked.

Phil doesn’t know what this means to Dan’s family, but what he knows as his heart fills with overwhelming fondness that Dan is his family and nothing will ever change that.

5 Times Evan Stayed and 1 Time Connor Returned the Favor

 Notes:    

this is really bad and ooc (i might rewrite it in the morning because i am over all dissatisfied with it) because i don’t know how to write Connor’s outbursts and have trouble writing how Evan talks

the prompt comes from two people the first part comes from @autisticauthorgabs it is: I need more times when Connor has outbursts and instead of crying and running away, Evan stays and understands that Connor doesn’t mean it. Sure, Evan has anxiety, but nothing makes it easier to ignore than a friend in need. I need Evan sitting with him while Connor yells insults at him and just calmly talking to him. I need Connor calming down and regretting it and Evan is right there to forgive him.I need these boys being there for each other. I need less of their mental illness being used as angst and more of it being used as fluff

the second part comes from @the-corpses-were-fake it is: Okay but also Evan saying things he doesn’t mean when he panics. Evan voicing his worries and saying hurtful things like he did with Jared (you’re only friends with me because no one else wants to be around you connor etc) And Connor understanding that it’s not actually what Evan thinks. Connor that stays despite his paranoia despite his problems and tells Evan calmly that even if he had a million friends he’d still choose Evan that he won’t leave him alone with his anxiety etc. And Evan actually apologizing and thanking Connor and just Evan not being reduced to some cute cinnamon role but an actual person that is just as capable to hurt Connor when he feels bad. I need both of them to be there for each other and for them to show each other that those bad moments don’t define them but the way they deal with the aftermath does.

  Work Text:          

1) Get out!

“Get out!” Connor screamed, “I don’t even want you here Evan.”
“N-no” Evan stuttered.
“What?” Connor said somewhere between shock and anger.
“I said no,” Evan said seeming surer of himself, “I won’t leave you here like this.”
“I don’t want you here,” Connor snarled.
“I’m just going to stay anyway,” Evan said attempting to appear assertive.
“I SAID GET OUT!!” Connor screamed again punching the wall.
Evan jumped slightly, “Do you really want me out?”
“Yes,” Connor said with less malice.
Evan looked him up and down, “No you don’t.”
“What if I do? What if I never wanted you around in the first place?” Connor growled.
“Well I mean that wouldn’t be great but I’ve dealt with Jared not wanting me around so I guess I’ll just have to stick around to annoy you some more,” Evan rambled wringing his hands looking down.
“Why?” Connor said anger still in his voice but fading.
“Well I mean you’re pretty great so…” he trailed off, “andIkindaloveyou and I don’t plan on going anywhere anytime soon.”
“Oh,” Connor said stepping back.
They stood their frozen in silence until finally Connor’s tense shoulders dropped and he seemed to deflate and he said, “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” Evan said.
“No, I…” Connor said before Evan strode forward cutting him off.
Evan placed his hands on either side of Connor’s face, “It’s okay. You didn’t mean it, I know that.”
Connor laughed, “Did you have to dramatically grab my face?”
“Yes,” Evan said giggling.
“You’re a dork,” Connor said affectionally.
“You love me,” Evan replied smiling.
“I do. I love you very much,” Connor said draping his arms over his shoulders, “Let go of my face.”
Evan giggled and slide his hands down to Connor’s waist, “I love you. All of you, even the parts you’ve deemed ugly.”
Connor half smiled and rested his forehead on Evans, “I love you too.”

2) I hate you

“I hate you,” Connor screamed as he threw stuff around his room.
“That’s okay because I love you,” Evan said matter-of-factly trying not to let his nerves show as he attempted to speak calmly sitting cross legged on Connor’s bed as Connor flew around his room in a rage.
“Why are you even here? I told you I hate you so why don’t you just leave,” he yelled stopping his rampage on his room and stalking towards Evan.
“Because I want to be here,” Evan said as calmly as he could.
“Why would you want to be here? I’m a mess,” Connor said voice cracking.
Evan unfolded his legs from under him and walked to where Connor stood in the middle of his room with his arms wrapped around himself, looking scared and broken. When he reached Connor he gently placed his hands-on Connor’s arms, “I want to be here because I love you and I care about you.”
Connor practically deflated into Evan’s arms, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry.”
Evan held him rocking them back and forth, gently rubbing Connor’s back, “It’s okay. I know you didn’t. It’s okay.”

3) I’ll hit you

“If you don’t get out of my fucking face,” Connor snarled stepping forward so he was in Evans face, “I’ll hit you.”
Evan took a step back shaking slightly, “Alright I’m back sorry,” Evan said putting his shaking hands up. Connor yelled picking up a wooden desk chair and throwing it against the wall causing it to smash. He picked a pillow off his bed and threw it across the room. He ripped the sheets off his bed and threw them around the room. He continued to rampage his room throwing things and screaming before he finally collapsed on the floor too exhausted to continue and began sobbing.
“Can I come over?” Evan said tentatively.
Connor nodded slightly too exhausted to do much else. Evan slowly knelt to the ground and crawled over. He didn’t say anything just pressed himself against Connor wrapping his arms around Connor and resting his head on his shoulder. Connor closed his eyes and buried his face in Evans hair.
“I’m sorry,” he said after a while.
“It’s okay,” Evan said gently running his fingers through his hair.
“Are you okay?” he asked fearing the answer.
“I’m fine Connor, are you?” Evan asked tentatively.
Connor paused like he wasn’t sure what to say, “I’m not sure. I’m finally getting help and getting therapy and medication but all I feel is worse. I feel like I’m lashing out more and I have less control. What if it’s me? What if I’m not trying hard enough?” his voice had gradually dropped until it was barely above a whisper.
“Hey no,” Evan said cupping his face and bringing his face up to Evan’s, “Don’t say that, you are doing so much better. I know you’re trying so hard and you’re doing amazing. Your relationship with Zoe is better and you haven’t had a break down like that in a while. The medication isn’t a magic fix all pill. You’re going to have set backs. You’ll have to adjust your medication and get used to it. You can’t expect it to fix you immediately and that is nothing you do that is something your body will eventually balance out but until then you are still doing great,” he finished gently rubbing his thumb along Connor’s jaw.
Connor closed his eyes and leaned into the touch, “I just feel like there’s more I could do.”
“Are you taking your meds?” Connor nodded, “Are you going to therapy?” Connor, again, nodded, “Then you are doing plenty the rest will just take time,” Evan finished smiling.
“I love you,” Connor said resting his forehead on Evans.
“I love you too,” Evan said smiling back at Connor.

4) I’m going to kill you

“I’ll kill you,” Connor screamed throwing a chair across the room causing it to crack and the leg too fall off.
“That would be okay,” Evan said as calmly as he could, “it wouldn’t be a bad way to go. I’d get to see the person I loved before I die.”
Connor seems thrown by this he stopped in his tirade of his room and just stared at Evan, “What?” He said blinking obviously confused.
“I don’t know. I’m trying to…I don’t know,” Evan stuttered trying to keep his own panic at bay. Connor stood frozen except for his hands which he was clenching and unclenching his hands while breathing heavily.
“Con-Connor,” Evan stuttered out, “c…can I come closer?” He said half stepping towards him.
“No,” Connor said quietly, “don’t come closer”
“Okay,” Evan said gently putting his hands up and stepped backwards.
“It’s not… I just…” Connor trailed off unable to form a cohesive thought.
“It’s okay,” Evan said gently putting his arms back down, “I understand, I’m here for anything you need.”
They sat in silence Evan longing to hold Connor and Connor just trying to center himself again to keep himself from lashing out again.
“Oh god,” Connor gasped wrapping his arm around his waist and placing another over his mouth.
“What?” Evan asked head snapping up to look at Connor.
“I threatened to kill you,” he gasped suddenly feeling like he couldn’t breathe.
“Hey no its okay,” Evan said going to step closer but suddenly stopping, “Can I come closer?”
“I-I-I,” Connor said gasping for air unable to speak trying to nod, desperately needing evan.
Evan still wasn’t certain if the motion Connor was making was a nod but he stepped forward cautiously giving Connor time to step back if he need to.
Evan gently reached out touching his arm softly and pulling Connor closer to him, “Hey, hey, I promise it’s okay,” He brushed Connor’s hair out of his face, “I need you to try to breathe with me. In and out. In for 4, hold for 2, and exhale for 6. It’s okay. You’re doing great. It’s okay.”
“I’m-m s-sor-ry,” he stuttered out his breathing slowly growing back to normal.
“It’s okay. You didn’t mean it. I know that. It’s okay,” Evan said pulling Connor fully too his chest so he was enveloping Connor in a hug. He gently rubbed soft circles in his back.
“I shouldn’t have…” Connor began.
“Its. Okay,” Evan said firmly.
Connor pulled back and rested his forehead on Evan’s, “I love you.”
“I love you too,” Evan replied quietly.

5) I don’t want you here

Zoe leads Evan up the stairs, “He’s in there. Be careful,” she says looking worried.
“I’ll be fine,” Evan said opening the door and stepping into what looked like the sight of a tornado. As he stepped in a pillow flew past his head. He squeaked and side step.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” Connor screamed throwing another pillow at the bed.
“Zoe’s worried about you,” Evan said, “I’m worried about you.”
“Well Zoe should mind her own business,” Connor screamed, “I’m fine.
“You… um you don’t seem fine idontmeantoassume but your room kind of looks like a tornado hit notthatthatisbad but you know you just seem like you need help sorry I just sorry,” Evan word vomited.
“I don’t need your help,” Connor snarled.
“It’s okay to need help. Notsayingyouneedhelpimjustsayingitsokay. Just because you need help doesn’t mean your weak or something notsayingthatswhatyoumeantbut I just sorry,” Evan stuttered.
“Stop apologizing,” Connor growls, “Why the fuck are you even still here? I don’t want you here.”
“I’m here to make sure you’re okay because I care about you,” Evan said quickly.
“Why would you care about me? Why would anyone care about me?” he said trying to sound angry but it came out sounding like a broken sob, “I’m broken beyond repair. What would make anyone care? What can I possibly offer anyone? I can’t be fixed, I’ll never be fixed” he half screamed half sobbed, slamming against the wall and sliding down it sobbing. He pulled his knees to his chest and sobbed into them.
“You aren’t broken, imeanifyourebrokenwhatamI,” he laughed self-deprecatingly before continuing, “You have a mental illness, that doesn’t mean you’re broken. You don’t need to be fixed,” he paused slightly kneeling to Connors level, “Can-can I come over?” he asked gently.
Connor didn’t move or speak for a moment. Finally, he mustered the strength to look up he met Evan’s eyes with his red rimmed ones. Evan’s heart broke at the sight of Connor sitting on the ground sobbing and shaking slightly. He looked wide eyed and terrified at Evan, like he was scared if he made one wrong move Evan would leave.
After a few seconds of wide eyed silence Connor began to frantically apologizing, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean that. I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve that. I’m so sorry I’ve ruined everything I’m sorry,” he sobbed rocking himself back and forth. Evan crawled so he was now sitting in front of Connor.
“Can I touch you?” he asked cautiously. Connor nodded weakly. Evan pulled Connor lightly into his lap cradling him gently in his arms.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. You deserve someone better. I’m sorry I can’t do better. I’m sorry I’m not better,” Connor sobbed into Evan’s chest.
Evan rocked him slightly, stroking his back and playing softly with his hair, “It’s okay. It isn’t your fault. I forgive you. Of course, I forgive you. I know you don’t mean it,” he brushed the hair out of Connors face and wiped the tears away and kissing his forehead. Connor closed his eyes and leaned into the touch.
“I’m sorry,” Connor said quietly.
“It’s okay,” Evan said holding him close, “It will all be okay.”
+1 no one else wants you
Connor stepped into the Hansen household worried after Evan hadn’t shown up for school that day, “Evan,” he yelled into the house walking up the stairs to Evan’s room.
He walked into Evan’s room to find Evan curled up on his bed. He sat down behind Evan causing Evan to look up.
“Hey, Ev,” he said quietly running a hand through Evans hair.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t at school,” he said quietly.
“It’s okay, can you sit up?” Connor said.
“Yeah,” he said quietly. Connor helped him sit up leaning Evan against him.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Connor asked gently.
“I just I couldn’t stop thinking. It felt paralyzing like I couldn’t move,” he mumbled.
“Thinking about what?” Connor asked softly.
“That day,” he said nervously, “What if I had died? Would anyone even care? Jared only uses me for car insurance. Maybe my mom would miss me at first but in the end, it would be a relief. She’d finally be free of me. I’m just a burden she has to work so hard for my meds and therapy. All while going to school and dealing with me. Her life would be so much easier without me every ones’ lives would be easier without me,” he said tears streaming down his face as panic began to set in.
“Mine wouldn’t,” Connor said.
“What?” Evan replied shocked.
“My life wouldn’t be better without you,” he repeated.
“You only want me because no one else wants you,” he said as his panic continued to rise.
Connor tries not to flinch at that one even though it cut him deep he knew Evan didn’t mean it, it was just the panic. He wiped the tears off of Evan’s face, “Even if I had all the friends in the world I would still choose you.”
“Why?” Evan asked softly.
“Because I love you and you are amazing,” Connor said softly.
Evan curled into Connors side sobbing, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean that.”
“I know,” he said rocking him slowly, “I’ve got you.”
“I’m sorry what I said was awful and I understand if you want to leave,” Evan said frantically, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it I love you. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. I need you to just breath. It will all be okay. I know you didn’t mean it. It’s okay I love you too,” they there curled together as Evan’s breathing slowed. Eventually they fell asleep and that’s how Heidi found them hours later tangled in each others arms.

New Remedy

Author’s note: Izumi and Ryouma with 23. “Just once.”
*screeches* THANK YOU, MIIAAAAAAA. THESE TWO NEED MORE LOVE AND ATTENTION. Sorry it took so longgasdjfk sdf 
Also this turned out soooo effing vanilla I don’t even 

Summary: Izumi and Ryouma have some time to kill and Izumi starts freaking out because he’s super nervous about recording his single. Luckily, Ryouma thinks of a silly way to get rid of his nerves. 


The morning before the recording, Izumi went over to Ryouma’s apartment to hang out. It was definitely a miracle that Ryouma had time in the first place, so to say that both of them jumped each other as soon as they made eye-contact was an understatement. Izumi had immediately wrapped his arms around his boyfriend’s neck, laughing happily as Ryouma picked him up to carry him to the living room.

“You nervous about the recording?”

The flush on Izumi’s cheeks darkened and he nodded shyly. Ryouma was holding his waist, gently stroking his sides with his thumbs. After convincing Izumi that he was definitely not too heavy, they ended up in this position quite often: Ryouma lying either on the couch or in bed with Izumi on top of him. In the beginning it was quite clumsy but Izumi soon grew used to it and often took the first step nowadays, seeing as he grew addicted to cuddling.

“It’ll be okay. You sing good after all,” Ryouma grinned and bumped their noses together. “If you get stage fright, just think about me.”

Izumi snorted at the cheeky joke and buried his face in Ryouma’s neck. “I’ll miss you.”

“Hmm, I’ll miss you, too.”

Nudging Izumi with his nose, Ryouma initiated their first kiss of the night. Izumi’s face grew hot at the continuous movement of Ryouma’s lips against his own and the hands squeezing his waist, thumbs massaging his hips. Lips were nibbling playfully at his cupid’s bow and Izumi felt himself becoming weak because wow he loved Ryouma’s kisses so much.

Izumi’s hands that had been resting on Ryouma’s chest were now clutching his shirt, playing with the fabric because he didn’t want to move too much in case he’d ruin the moment. The steady heartbeat under his fingers made him smile into the kiss, loving Ryouma’s sense of serenity.

“Shall we go to the bedroom?” was a soft whisper against his now slightly plump lips.  

His heart fluttered nervously. “U-um, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

One of the many talents Izumi possessed was making things awkward in less than five seconds. He started sputtering right away, half-words blubbering out, trying to explain himself to his now shocked boyfriend who looked like he just got slapped in the face.

“Izumi…?”

“No, I mean! It’s not like I don’t want to, uh, I just— I’m too tense! And-and I don’t want my butt to hurt when I’m recording, like, what i-if they start asking weird questions or notice and I’m not a good liar, Ryouma! And Rei, oh god, he’d never let me live it down! I don’t wanna have that talk with him again! I hate having to explain myself to him, especially when he’s wearing that stupid smirk ‘cause he always thinks he’s super smart. And Onii-chan will definitely beat you up if he finds out, nooooooo!”

At this point Izumi had basically become a blushing mess that was constantly making weird noises and hid his face in Ryouma’s shirt to muffle his words.

A hand was laid on the back of his head. “Izumi.”

“What?”

“We don’t have to do it, you know?” Ryouma mumbled against his hair and Izumi looked up, teary-eyed.

“You’re not mad?”

“Of course not. Holding you in my arms is good enough for me, but…” Ryouma stroked his back and paused at his lower back. “you are a bit tense, I can feel it. Are you really that nervous?”

It was obviously incomprehensible from his side, but Izumi was so inexperienced with these things that he couldn’t help but feel a bit scared. Singing in front of other people (professionals on top of that), watching and listening carefully, judging him for every wrong note, but masking it with polite smiles. He would be stuck in this awful circle: sing off key, resulting in more nerves, which made his singing worse and him even more nervous.

Without even noticing it, Izumi had started shaking and clutching Ryouma’s shirt for support.

Ryouma,” he whined lowly and sniffed. “I can’t do it! I-It’s in a couple of hours and I feel like I’m gonna throw up!”

Izumi jumped off the couch and started pacing, waving his arms around as if he was trying to fly away. There was a big lump in his throat, making him feel like he couldn’t even talk and a knot in his chest made it hard for him to breathe and since both were kind of really important for the recording, Izumi felt like dying.

“Izumi—”

“And I broke the marble! What do I do?”

Strong arms circled around his shoulders to hug him from behind, forcing him to stay in place. “I’m sorry. If I didn’t have that photoshoot today, I’d totally come with you.”

Ryouma buried his nose in the back of Izumi’s neck, nuzzling the spot just below his hairline and squeezing his shoulders, causing Izumi’s knees to buckle under his weight. He felt Ryouma’s small breaths against his sensitive skin, causing goose bumps to appear all over his arms and back. His warmth, cologne and natural scent, reassuring squeezes and tender kisses on his neck did wonders for Izumi’s nerves but he was still shaking like a leaf.

In the beginning, Ryouma’s kisses would’ve relaxed him but now that they had been together for a while, he’d gotten pretty used to them (not that they would ever get boring though) and the magic was kind of wearing off.

But when one kiss was placed right on his pulse point, Izumi jumped up with an unmanly squeak and giggled. “S-sorry, that tickled.”

This was not very uncommon. In fact, it happened about every time they would get intimidate and usually Ryouma would either ignore him or apologize and move to a different spot, but this time, his boyfriend gasped in excitement and turned him around.  

“I got it!”

“Got what?” Izumi inquired and raised an eyebrow.

“Maybe you’ll relax if I tickle you!”

“… Eeeeeeeeh?”

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