but gary's face

Hockey Gothic
  • Your grandfather tells you “When I was born, Jaromir Jagr had already played 20 seasons.” Your father tells you “When I was born, Jagr had already played 20 seasons.” You look up Jagr on HockeyDB. By the time you were born, Jaromir Jagr had already played 20 seasons.
  • You hum a melody. Everybody hums a melody. You can’t make out the words, but the melody repeats after a short time. “The rest name new can lay, is the foot mold okay name,” it sounds like. You don’t understand.
  • The Leafs are up 11-0 after 2. Tears are running down your face. You know they will lose in the shootout.
  • Ovechkin is loading up his shot. You can see the defense going down one by one. The forwards try to play defense and theydrop, too. They can’t get up again. Ovechkin is still loading up his shot.
  • “Phil Kessel is a Stanley Cup Champion,” somebody says. Others are nodding along. The president of the US is live on TV. “Phil Kessel is a Stanley Cup Champion,” he says.
  • A toad croaks. It sounds like “parity.” You look at the toad. Gary Bettman’s face stares back. “Shootout,” it croaks.
  • Your team won. You are happy. Somebody is screaming on Youtube. Your team lost. Somebody is screaming on Youtube. You like, subscribe and tell all your friends. You scream.
  • Somebody takes a shot on an empty net. Carey Price is on the bench. He makes the save. The refs skate to the bench to get the puck. You scream.
  • You can’t make out the print on Don Cherry’s suit. It seems to change while you’re watching. It looks at you. “Good Canadian boys,” the suit says.
If you could have your perfect 20th anniversary movie, based more or less on what we'd seen before the latest trailer, what would it be?

Mine would be a revisitation of the most memorable moments of the anime with updated animation–something similar to what Generations did with the games but put together in one single movie, covering the whole story from Kanto to now. Of course it’d begin from the start of Ash’s journey and we’d see him wake up late and get Pikachu from Professor Oak, Misty fishing him out of the river, the confrontation with the Spearow and Ash seeing Ho-Oh. We’d then see Ash catching a pokémon for the first time, his first gym battle, we’d see him participating in the Indigo League and so on and so forth for the following sagas. We’d see him meeting his friends and rivals, his important victories and losses; we’d see him face Gary, Paul, Alan. We’d see contests and showcases too, and the most epic moments like meeting legendaries and facing the bad guys. It could be an exact retelling or it could go slightly AU with some of them, perhaps to do more justice to moments that were kind of lackluster in the original (like the Magma/Aqua arc in Hoenn). Ho-Oh could perhaps be woven in more as kind of a common thread, the mysterious pokémon that Ash keeps seeing and that somehow almost feels like a motivation to keep moving forward–who knows, maybe we didn’t see it, but he briefly spotted it once again out of his window as he came back home from Kalos. To stitch everything together and make things easier to follow to the audience that isn’t already familiar with the past sagas there’d be Ash’s voice narrating his own adventure offscreen, filling in the blanks and recapping the things we don’t see. If there are changes, they might be him slightly embellishing his tale here and there. (“Is that what really happened?” we’d maybe hear another voice offscreen ask when he does that, for him to go “of course it is!”)

Why the different hat? It’s a symbol. Ash would probably keep the same outfit throughout the whole movie so that again the audience that’s new to everything wouldn’t have to keep track of a protagonist that keeps changing appearance on top of all the rest, but the movie would open with Ash’s hats from Kanto and Alola overlapping and together creating the new one (which does look like a fusion of those two) as a way to represent his whole journey–then and now, the beginning and (for-now-)end in one.

At the end we’d see current!Ash sitting among his Alolan friends and emphatically recounting his story to them as they listen wide-eyed. “Wow,” someone would comment, “I can’t believe you’ve had so many adventures!”

“Yeah,” he would laugh, “and I’m sure there’s many more awaiting us!”

And it’s getting late at this point, so once Ash is done talking the characters head to bed. As Ash is getting ready for sleep the camera zooms on his open backpack, and we see that he’s still carrying around all the gifts he got from his friends–Misty’s handkerchief and lure, Serena’s handkerchief, Brock’s lunchbox, May’s half ribbon and all that, and from the ones he doesn’t have tangible mementos of he’s got letters, postcards, pictures. The camera then zooms out of the backpack, of the room, of Alola too, and the movie ends showing us Ash’s friends who are also out there doing things and having adventures of their own. Serena is entering her first contest in Hoenn; Brock is studying to become a doctor; Misty is closing the gym after a long day of matches; and they too still have their mementos from him–Gary keeps his half pokéball on his desk, Brock still has the pictures on the wall, May still carries her half of the ribbon. And they too all have postcards, letters; someone is seen receiving an email or a phonecall. They’re all still connected. They’ve all heard the story; they’ve all been the story. And so have we.

I litterally have nothing nice to say about the new movie and am trying so hard not to say anything.

Maybe the pokeani writers are like creatures from the black lagoon and survive on salt and tears or something?