I Got You On My Mind (Part 7)
Jungkook Soulmate AU (Angst)
Summary: Jungkook reveals why he rejected you. But is it enough for you to forgive him?
Word count: 1.7k words
You watched, mesmerized, as Jungkook fidgeted with his hands, the chords of muscles in his forearms flexing. His gaze was downcast, his plump lower lip caught between his teeth, as he struggled to find the words to stay. You found that this uncharacteristic nervousness made him seem more genuine, but still, it was difficult for you to trust Jungkook after everything that had transpired.
After recently regaining some of your memories, the wounds Jungkook had inflicted still felt fresh. Your heart ached as if it were only moments ago that Jungkook had tossed you aside.
The conflicting memories of Jungkook warred in your mind. On one hand, Jungkook had rejected you with cutting words and a cold heart. But on the other, he had helped nurse you back to health and remained resolutely by your side. Which one was the real Jungkook?
You wanted desperately to hold onto the version of Jungkook you had imagined as a young girl, not the one who had been sleeping with your best friend.
“She won’t believe me,” Jungkook thoughts interrupted. Your gaze flickered to his, but he was still staring at the ground, unaware that he was projecting his thoughts. You could feel his uncertainty and fear through your soulmate bond. The sudden urge to comfort him arose, but you pushed it down.
“Jungkook, I promise I’ll listen,” you said quietly. His head shot up, Jungkook’s wide eyes peering into yours. He opened his mouth, but no words came out. “I can’t promise that I’ll believe you, or that everything will be fixed, but I’ll give you this chance to explain everything.”
Jungkook sighed and looked away, his jaw clenching.
“I know I need to explain this to you,” Jungkook began slowly. “But this is really hard for me. I don’t want to show this side of myself to you.”
“Believe it or not, I don’t hate you now and I probably never will,” you said with a small laugh. “We’re soulmates for a reason, you know.”
Jungkook gave you a small smile, his gaze flickering down. “I guess I’ll start from the beginning then.”
You nodded, waiting patiently as Jungkook took an unsteady breath. He closed his eyes for a moment, before exhaling slowly and looking back at you. His eyes were raw and honest.
“The first time I heard your thoughts, I was six,” Jungkook recalled with a fond smile. “You didn’t hear me for awhile later. I still remember what you thought. ‘That looks like a fun tree to climb.’”
“That was the first thing you heard?” you asked incredulously. “I remember that! I climbed a tall-ass tree in the park, and I fell and broke my arm.”
“I know,” Jungkook replied grimly. “I felt it, too. For such an underdeveloped bond, it didn’t make sense for me to be able to feel your emotions. But I could. All I could feel was your panic and pain.”
You winced, recalling the memory from all those years ago. For a six-year-old, it was a terrifying experience.
“I was so young at the time,” Jungkook continued. “I didn’t understand why I could feel emotions that weren’t mine. I didn’t know why I could hear someone else’s thoughts. And I couldn’t understand why I cared so much about a person I’d never met.”
You opened your mouth, but Jungkook cut you off immediately. “Don’t apologize,” Jungkook said, smiling slightly. “I got over it, eventually. It got easier when you started to hear me.”
“That wasn’t until, like, a year later,” you frowned. “That must’ve been so strange.”
“It felt a little intrusive,” Jungkook shrugged. “But your thoughts were pretty entertaining. Plus, I was a really shy kid, so you were my only friend for a little while.”
“That’s really sad,” you said quietly, your voice lilting. “We didn’t have an actual conversation until we were nine.”
“We could have had spoken sooner, but I didn’t want to,” Jungkook confessed, looking away. “I learned how to block my thoughts, mostly. Sometimes I can’t, if I get too emotional.”
“Why didn’t you want to talk to me?” you questioned, a little hurt.
“It wasn’t you,” Jungkook replied immediately. Then, he frowned and clenched his fists. He didn’t speak for several moments, but when he did, his voice was quiet. “It was because of my parents. They were soulmates, but for some reason, they didn’t get along.
“My mom found out that my dad was cheating on her, and it was a mess. They divorced a few months later. My mom got custody, and my dad sort of spiralled,” Jungkook explained, his voice coloured with shame. “I didn’t know how to face my own soulmate after that. I didn’t even know if I could believe in soulmates anymore.”
“Jungkook, I’m so sorry,” you whispered. “If I had known, I would’ve–”
“No, I didn’t want you to know,” Jungkook interrupted. “You were the only person I could pretend to be fine with. You were the only person who didn’t know how fucked up my family–how fucked up I was.”
“You were just a child,” you argued. “How could I think badly of you?”
Jungkook just shook his head. “I wanted to seem like a good person in front of you,” he said. “Even after my parents, I still wanted to believe in soulmates. I wanted to have something to look forward to. You were always so happy, it was easy to pretend with you.”
A few moments of silence passed as Jungkook tried to collect his thoughts. You wanted to reach out, to hold him, but you didn’t know if he would appreciate that.
“My mom had to work a lot to support me and my brother, so she wasn’t home often,” Jungkook continued, his voice low. “My dad picked up drinking. He tried to take us home with him, once. The police had to come.
“My brother was hit pretty hard, since he was older when it happened. I was in middle school when he started high school. He joined a gang, started getting into fights and dealing.
“I didn’t follow him, but I got involved with some pretty bad people. You know what my reputation’s like–it’s because that’s who I am. From high school till now, all I did was party. I drank, I did drugs, I slept around.”
“Why didn’t I know any of this?” you asked, confused. “In all the years we’ve been talking, I couldn’t tell that a single thing was off.”
“I showed you what I wanted you to see,” Jungkook replied with a cold laugh. “I was hoping by the time I met you, I would’ve already cleaned up my act. I didn’t expect to see you that night, and I was so ashamed of myself. And I ended up pushing you away, because I wasn’t ready for you to see me like that.
“You were the last person I wanted to hurt, but I fucked it up anyway,” Jungkook said, his words venomous. “I ruined everything before it even began. It’s fucked up, but after you lost you’re memories, I thought it was like a second chance. I know, it’s fucking disgusting, but I wanted you to see the person I could become.”
“Look, I know everything about me is fucked up, okay?” Jungkook spat. “I don’t want to hear apologies, I don’t need pity. I don’t need forgiveness, either. This is the truth. This is everything I never wanted you to know.”
“Jungkook!” you repeated, more firmly this time. You reached out and grabbed his hand, which was clammy, and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Listen to me. All I wanted was for you to be honest with me. It doesn’t matter if you’re embarrassed or ashamed of your past, of yourself. If I’m your soulmate, I want to love all of you.”
Jungkook stared at you, his mouth hanging open slightly.
“If anything, I wish I could have been there for you,” you continued sadly. You played with his large hand, weaving your own fingers in between his. “We’re soulmates, you know? We’re supposed to support each other. There’s a reason why we’re connected, even if we don’t understand.”
“I just hate disappointing you,” Jungkook sighed, squeezing your hand back. “I was afraid to see our relationship crumble. Just being soulmates–I don’t know if that’s enough. If I’m anything like my father–which I am–then we’re doomed.”
“Don’t say that,” you scolded him gently. “I’ll admit, there are some things about you that aren’t great. But you’re more than your mistakes. You’re passionate and kind, and you’ve shown me the best sides of you, too.
“We aren’t so two-dimensional, Jungkook. I’m sure I’m not the perfect person you made me out to be when we were younger,” you laughed.
“But you’re perfect for me,” Jungkook insisted, then blushed deeply. He gulped visibly and looked away.
“Look, I don’t know if I forgive you yet,” you said, and you saw Jungkook deflate. “But I will eventually. I want us to move past this together.”
“Thank you,” Jungkook whispered, his voice cracking. He looked up at you. “I know I don’t deserve that, or you. But you’re the reason why I even try. If it wasn’t for you, I’d have probably given up already.”
“You should want to live for yourself, Jungkook,” you smiled sadly. “I am your soulmate, but I’m not your entire world.”
You pulled Jungkook into your arms, and he immediately buried his nose in the crook of your neck. You weren’t sure, but you thought you could feel wetness against your skin. Was he crying?
“You helped me a lot these past few weeks,” you continued, holding Jungkook tightly in your arms. “Let me help you now. We’ll make it through this, together. Okay?”
Jungkook nodded against your neck. And despite how terribly everything began, you were almost certain that everything would turn out just fine. With Jungkook truly by your side now, you felt strong. You were determined to unravel the mystery of the boy in your arms, who felt as far away as he was close.
- Girl in Luv
One more part to go, then it’s finished! How did you guys feel about this chapter? Are you still mad at Jungkook? His behaviour sort of makes sense now…I hope. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed this series, and thanks to everyone who stuck with it! Look forward to the last instalment of I Got You On My Mind. I’m always so thankful for the support we receive, from the replies to the fanmail. You guys are the best! Happy reading 💛