but childhood

just got home from a full day of therapy shit at hospital. I did a session with my psychiatrist and stayed for the entire group instead of leaving halfway through like i normally do. 

I told him how affected ive been after reading that post about someone else’s similar school abuse experiences and how my nightmares have increased and now my psych wants me to write out a list of the things that i remember from primary school and i think he wants me to try and remember actual events.

i would honestly rather die.

in group we were learning about cptsd which is why i stayed. but now i have a migrane from doing too much and all of it be personal, but also because i was talking about what i remember from primary school it is a spectacularly bad idea for me to try and sleep at all, because anything less than full immersion distraction means memories. so. fuck me i guess??

im not going to write the list till thursday night. i dont want to spend the week remembering things. i hate rmeembering things. i hate the slippery feeling of following a memory and knowing you’re just seeing the light distorted around the edge of a massive black hole. I hate remembering inconsequential things that fill me with dread.

I hate that i return to the same memories over and over because ive run through them a hundred times and i know that i can remember them as a story and not as an experience, but even doing that means that im shifting that huge sinkhole of Bad Time closer to my waking mind and shit slips through.

I hate remembering something for the first time and i know this is whats going to happen i hate recovered memories more than anything else

I dont want to know what i scream about in my sleep

dont use your mental illness as a get out of jail free card,

yeah it’s shit that you have it, i get it, its shit and you have to control it and deal with it on a daily basis and it’s tiring and it’s hard, but those are the cards your dealt, and it’s your job to treat others well still even if you have a mental illness, and if you don’t treat them well it’s your job to apologize, and not to apologize with “i have -insert mental illness- and i have no control over how i act”

now this is pretty general, but 70% of the time, it’s the case. it’s shitty cards dealt to you by life but it’s on you, NOT on anyone else. you can’t blame anyone else.

like there have been so many times i just kicked people out of my life for no reason other than i want to see how they react, if they come back, but It was a shitty thing to do, it was manipulative, and i don’t do it anymore or try very hard not to. and if i ever attempt something remotely similar i apologize, i work on it. it’s the hardest thing i have to do, but i’d rather bring people up then down.

Song of Childhood (Wings of Desire)

by Peter Handke

….When the child was a child,
Berries filled its hand as only berries do,
and do even now,
Fresh walnuts made its tongue raw,
and do even now,
it had, on every mountaintop,
the longing for a higher mountain yet,
and in every city,
the longing for an even greater city,
and that is still so,
It reached for cherries in topmost branches of trees
with an elation it still has today,
has a shyness in front of strangers,
and has that even now.
It awaited the first snow,
And waits that way even now.

When the child was a child,
It threw a stick like a lance against a tree,
And it quivers there still today.

anonymous asked:

Ah omg. It's been years since I've heard that song again! The feels ; o; au in which tsukkiyams drifted apart

you know that part towards the end of the mv where it just shows a montage of the two characters’ blossoming romance as young teens leading up to their eventual breakup……. imagining tsukyam in that situation makes me so Emo

anonymous asked:

GoM + Nijimura + Haizaki + Kagami + Kiyoshi + Takao + Mayuzumi + Hanamiya + Ogiwara childhood headcanons please, thanks!

Hi dear! Sorry for the wait, I hope you’re fine! Here I am with the headcanons! Since you asked them for many characters, I’ve been general and brief, if you want some more of them just ask okay?

Have a nice day!

KnB Childhood Headcanons:

Kise Ryouta

-the Angel Child that everybody loves. The parents, the over-doting sisters, the neighbors, the old granny that rune that grocery shop….everyone.

-the sisters used to dress him like a girl. 100% sure of this, and he was more cute than every other little girl. Pink? Not a problem, he slayed it. Braids, flowers in the hair, animal hairpins? Looked perfect on him.

-he modeled both for male and female clothing, yes when he was still a child.

-the boy that all the girls in kindergarten fought for when playing house. He came to hate that game, it was boring and all the girls where the same. He knew he was cuter and a better wife than them. (Now, when he remembers how conceited and proud he was about his wife skills, he wants to dig his own grave. It was his sisters’ fault.)

-He was already sharp and definitely too honest, the typical child that points out everything that adults want to hide or fake is not there.

-He learnt quickly how to use his good looks and innocent face to have what he wanted. Not always in egoistic or cunning way, he was just happy when he saw people smiling at him or praising him.

-He had a deep bond with his Grandma, a true traditional Japanese lady. Strict and elegant but extremely caring.

-He got bored quickly and spent time searching for the “right game”. However, he quite enjoyed drawing (even if he wasn’t good at it)and singing! He loved singing and dancing! He organized little shows for his family where he danced and singed for them, or runaway show, taking them very seriously.

-He hated playing in the garden and getting dirty. Especially with insects, he was scared of them. Earthworms in particular.

Aomine Daiki

-The Wild Kid. The child that lives in the park or in the garden, from morning to evening. His parents had to scream and shout every day to bring him back home and put him in the bath. It was a real fight. He spent all his holidays at his grandparents’ house in the mountains.

-Every day was an adventure. He loved rolling in the mud, catching bugs and cicadas, exploring new places and obviously trying every type of sports.

-Until he found basketball, then there was only basket.

-He hurt himself one day and the other too, uncaring towards any potential danger. He got lost in the park or in the wood at least once a week. The firefighters were in the end used to it and became his friends.

-He had a great sense of “justice”. I like to think of him as the child with the hero complex. He fought the evil forces (bullies, a bad dog, strict adults…) and helped the weak (grannies, small animals, younger children…)

-He stayed quiet only when Momoi managed to force him to play at her “girly” games. Usually he was the one dragging her into his crazy ideas.

-Disinterested in the adults’ world, honest and rough, he respected only the ones who earned it. Teaching him how to be polite was his parents’ harder task ever. They still shiver at the memory.

Murasakibara Atsushi

-The Picky Child. Oks, I can’t stop thinking that he was the typical child who wanted always something different. Especially when talking about food. He didn’t throw tantrum, but pouted silently and refused to move/do what he was told for hours. Extremely stubborn. Between him and his parents, it was a battle of wills.

-Being the last son in a big family, he was slightly spoiled. By his brothers and his sister mostly, who just found him cute and cheeky when he was little.

-He was quiet, but moody. He had to be the one to decide what to do and when, he didn’t care if others wanted something different. He was going to do what he wanted either way.

-He liked playing alone, he especially enjoyed videogames and watching cartoons. He had a soft spot for a superheroes’ tv-show and knew all the lines of the Purple Hero. He had costume of him and some related toys. He was super-fast at coming back home after school to watch it.

-Not patient and bored easily, he spent a lot of time daydreaming.

-He was gentle only to younger children, especially girls. If he was in a good mood, he shared his sweets with them. On the other hand, he hated playing with the older ones, but luckily, he was big enough to scare them off.

Akashi Seijuurou

-The Perfect Child. We all know his childhood sucked. He was manipulated to be the perfect being and his entire family, not including the mother, was strict as hell with him. He spent his days learning and studying in solitude or with his tutors.

-He loved spending his free time with his mother, when he could. She would read books to him or play in the garden; they also took care of flowers together and played cheerful songs at the piano.

-After she died, he would wait for the night to come and then sneak out of his room. Some nights, he would curl on a big armchair in the library and read fairy tales or stories of adventures (the ones his mother read to him) by himself. Sometimes, he would go in the garden and take care of their precious flower to be sure they were going to grow and bloom. At least them.

-he started playing the violin because playing the piano without his mother brought back too many memories and hurt too much.

-At first he hated horse-riding, because the majority of animals hated him and escaped as soon as they saw him. Now he’s like a sort of Lion King and animal bows to him. Except dogs. Dogs hate him.

Midorima Shintarou

-The Smart Child. The one that knows too many things and reads too much. At first he was very stiff and cold to adults and other children, he preferred to play on his own, but he softened when his sister was born.

-He enjoyed mind games: puzzles, enigmas, crosswords… The problems arose when he couldn’t solve one, asked his parents but they didn’t know too.

-He read a lot, everything he could find. From kitchen magazines to encyclopedias. His favorites? “Fortune Telling” and “How The Stars Shape Your Life”. Yeah.

-Very diligent and obedient, however he couldn’t suppress his urge to talk. When he heard someone discussing something he had read about, it didn’t matter who it was but he had to have his word. Embarrassing when he knew more than the adults present.

-His parents were strict with him, but in a normal and caring way. They are very proud of him and let him know when he needs it.

-Shy with other kids and unable to socialize well, however he seemed to attract the troublesome kids. Maybe because he was very responsible and took care of them when they got hurt. He was the kid that other mothers loved because they knew that if he was there their crazy kids were going to be okay.

Kuroko Tetsuya

-The Where-Is-My-Child Kid! Usually super quiet, reserved and shy, but when you take your eyes off him he vanishes like a ghost. He was a curious and independent boy that wandered around following his instincts and got lost on daily basis.

-His parents tried everything: bright, neon cloths, some bells, a gps tracker…nothing, it took him one second to disappear, even in their own house. In the end, they decided to put around his neck a card with their names and the phone number, just in case.

-Adorable, a little chubby and with always a cute, faint smile on the lips. Sweet and kind, timid yet willing to befriend other children. Girls loved him endlessly and treated him like their little brother.

-I can see him drawing peacefully and reading. He loved to take naps, everywhere and anywhere.

- Independent, he tried to be the little man his dad would like him to be. Trying to not cry often and be strong, to do what he have too and be responsible. Helping out his mom when she needed, especially with house chores.

Nijimura Shuuzou

-The Dependable Child. When his parents had to leave someone in charge of the house, they would choose Nijimura. Strong, determined and a born leader, capable to handle things even when he was younger. Like a little soldier.

-grumpy and hotheaded he often picked up fights with other children, yet everybody loved him for his kind and honest heart. He was just a bit scary.

-He was the leader of a group of children at the park and used to be the arbiter of every argument. Nobody dared to contradict him.

-He would took care both of his older sister and his younger brother, like a replacement of his father, when he had to stay in hospital. Very responsible and hard working, however he got stressed and insecure easily and that’s why he ended up venting it into fights.

-Loved to play outside with other children and he never left out anyone. He also enjoyed from time to time relaxing on his own, watching his cartoons or chatting with his dad.

-He wanted more than anything else to be like his dad and make him proud.

Kagami Taiga

-The Sunshine Boy! A little tornado of smiles, energy and clumsiness. He tended to end up in every type of trouble and he visited the hospital once a month. The nurses loved him.

-He didn’t have a switch off, much to his mother’s desperation, and he never seemed to be tired. He had to move, play, scream, laugh…endlessly. He slept few hours per night and was extremely loud and boisterous.

-He loved playing outside and had a passion for dangerous and reckless games. He was never alone, always dragging someone with him.

-He got hurt easily: scratched knees, purple bruises, insects’ stings…He was also very clumsy and uncoordinated.

-Prideful, brave and curious. He liked nature, except for dogs. He hated dogs, they were evil (his mother used to threaten him that she was going to buy a dog if he didn’t come home)

-Nothing was more boring than staying at home, reading and drawing. When it rained, for one hour or two, they would keep him quiet with cartoons, but he would soon grow bored and start to pester them to play with him.

-He was hotheaded, but he rarely got angry or pouty. He complained, yet he regained his smile quickly. And it was quite contagious.

Haizaki Shougo

-The Spoiled Child. He and his brother had eight years of difference, so his mother spoiled him endlessly. At least when she was home, being a single mother she had to work very hard to maintain them. Yes, he cherished and respected his mother a lot (at least her).

-He had a superiority complex: he had to be the leader of the group and the one who decided who could play with him and who not. Girls weren’t accepted because they were crybabies and too weak.

-He felt like a great boss, going around the park and imposing his power. He said that his brother was the one who taught him how to fight and be brave.

-He had an older brother’s complex: he admired him and praised him wholeheartedly; he wanted to be tall, strong and fearless like him.

Kyoshi Teppei

-The Golden Heart Boy. The one that deeply cares for everyone, kind and always ready to help someone out.

-he would spend days and days gardening with his grandmother or fishing with his grandfather, quietly but cheerfully. Or, reading stories in the veranda and looking at the clouds. It had been his grandad who taught him how to play the harmonica.

-He was the pacemaker at the park, playing the role of the big brother to the other children. Actually, some of them began to call him “Onii-chan” for real, especially little girls.

-Making his mom happy was one of his joy. He would made drawings or small jewels with bottle’s cap, glass beads and plastic strings for her. Because she was a queen.

Takao Kazunari

-The Mischievous Child. He had done everything. He had pranked anyone, without a second thought. Most out of curiosity, sometimes as a revenge.

-carefree kid, always ready to get into trouble voluntarily. At first, they used to ground him, but then he would damage more the house so his parents surrendered and just left him without tv or videogames for some days as a punishment.

-He had drawn on the walls of his house, put worms in the tea cup of the neighbor, scared to death the mailman, scribbled on the teacher’s skirt, hidden in the wood the toy of a child he didn’t like, persuaded a girl she was adopted, sneaked out during the night…His parents spent their time apologizing to the neighborhood.

-He found girls annoying, petty and boring. He preferred playing soccer or hide and seek with other boys.

-He loved animals and was quite good with them. He was often followed by strays and his house became a sort of hotel for abandoned animals.

Mayuzumi Chihiro

-The Lonely Child. He liked to be alone, reading or playing his games on his own.

-He hated to be dragged to the park or to some parties by his parents. He usually hid in a corner and pouted for hours.

-He is an only child, so at time he didn’t know how to interact with other children and was horrible at sharing toys. However, he was good with quiet kids who liked to read like him. Or playing videogames. In those cases, he would even talk a bit, in whispers, and maybe show a faint smile.

-He’s still scared of family reunions, especially in big occasions like Christmas. He was the only child and the center of the attentions. His worst nightmare. He still isn’t able to escape from his aunts’ claws.

-The only one he liked was his grandfather, who brought him in the countryside and would share with him silent afternoons just looking at the sky or wandering in the woods.

-He liked to wander alone, everywhere and anywhere, absentmindedly. Luckily, he had a good sense of direction.

Shigehiro Ogiwara

-The Big Brother. The precious little child that has only one mission: being a good big brother. He tried to be independent and strong just for his little brothers, always trying to be a worth model and being able to take care of them. He was the one who took them to the kindergarten and then to school every morning, holding their hands.

-He would often go to the park and play basketball with his dad.

-bright personality, a bit wild and lively, but very kind. A bit clumsy, he fell easily and it was very cute how hard he tried not to cry every time.

-He ate a lot of food and was always hungry, maybe because he was moving and playing around a lot. His mother was stunned by that.

Hanamiya Makoto

-The Devil Child. He looked absolutely adorable and cute, and you know why? Because he was enough smart to know that if a child was cute, he was going to have what he asked for. Obviously, he put the façade on when he needed too, otherwise he actually didn’t care about others. He liked to be on his own.

-He was the only child of a single mother and truly cherished her, yet she had to work and he spent a lot of time alone.

-He used to go every afternoon to a small library and spent his time reading. There weren’t many books for children, so he soon began to read the ones for adults. He liked the story of military tactics, mathematics and physics’ ones and manuals of chess and other games. The old lady of the library treated him like his own nephew and is one of the few people he truly cares about. He still goes to visit her every week.

-Straying cats loved him and followed him on the streets.

-He had been banned from three different bars because when he was eight he started playing card games with the old customers, but always ended up winning the bet at stake. Sometimes he didn’t have to cheat to win, he was just too good.

5

Captain Underpants | I read the books when I was little and honestly, never would have thought I’d someday help make the feature! Both the team at DreamWorks and Mikros were some of the most wonderful people I’ve had the fortune of working with and I feel their upbeat energy and passion for the project are evident in the final film! The movie comes out today!! Please go check it out :) and here are a few paintings I did back when we were figuring out the design of the world.