but bard's look just kills me

Our party is fighting a nuclear family of Royal Sea People, where the Dad (King) is basically a Fighter, the Mom (Queen) is a spellcaster, and the boy (Prince) is a rogue.

The Prince immediately rolls a nat 20 to hide from the party (supposedly to prepare a sneak attack) and by the time anyone rolls high enough to see him, he’s definitely out of the room.

Our Sorcerer uses Charm Person successfully on the King, who then, despite the Queen’s protests, sprints to the kitchen to get him Hot Dogs.

Bard (Ooc): Ok, since it’s just the Queen I’m gonna use Disguise Self to change into the son.

Sorcerer (Ooc): Oh….

Bard (Ooc): What?

Sorcerer (Ooc): Sorry I thought you meant you were going to disguise yourself as like the literal Sun.


Later the Son (Dave) did return and had eaten both of his parent’s hearts and transformed into an eldritch monstrosity; complete with eye-stalks, a side-ways shark mouth, and eight scuttling limbs. Our Bard had history with this kid and was more enraged than intimidated.

Bard (still disguised as the son’s human form): Hey Davey!

Dave: *looks*

Bard (disguised): You should kill me first. I want you to see what you’re gonna look like after my friends kick your ass!

Potential Plays-of-the-Game included: The Ranger’s Wolf criting on a Bite attack, our Fighter stabbing this thing with a found trident and succeeding a strength contest with it, and our Sorcerer’s Wild Magic randomly turing everyone invisible (including the Monster itself).

After our party collectively knocking nearly 300hp off this boss, he was just about down for the count. 

Bard: HEY, DAVEY! *Picks up the crown off the King’s head* 

Dave: *looks*

Bard:  *Puts on Crown* *Casts Vicious Mockery* KING ME.

He lands the final blow. The monster is obliterated. Everyone is screaming. Including the DM. A great time is had.

Smaug: Thorin son of Thráin, you of all people can help me eat the elf. You do not like him any more than I.

Thorin: True. But he didn’t burn down anything, kill my kin, steal my home and take a nap on a pile of gold that didn’t belong to him. [Wow. Did I just say that?]

Smaug: I am starting to get really sick of you creatures!

Bilbo: Thorin! NO…[watches unexpected desolation]

Bard: OH, COME ON! You have got to be KIDDING ME! Again?

Thranduil: Yes, I am delicious, but I did not start this. Do not look at me unless it’s in adoration.

Professor Layton and the Last Specter (Comparative translation, scene 17)

So I just discovered the Japanese version of the scene of Emmy beating up Jakes’ minions while watching a walkthrough in Youtube and this is CRAZY! Why didn’t they translate this in the game?!! 

Btw, I’m not doing Spanish as always because it says exactly the same that the English one.

JAPANESE / ENGLISH

  • Layton: What? / What’s this?
  • Emmy: Professor, please leave this to me. / Gentleman, I hope we’re not going to have any trouble here.
  • Layton: Emmy, it was like that time with the Black Ravens. What exacly are you…? / Emmy, your methods are unorthodox, but very effective.
  • Emmy: Just a little bit of martial arts and confidence! My uncle does martial arts and he trained me. /Thanks! Whenever you need a little muscle, you just let me know, professor, and I’ll be there.
  • Layton: That’s indeed incredible. / I’ll keep that in mind.
  • Luke: Nevertheless, was this Jakes’ plan?  / Who are these men? Do you think Jakes sent them after us?
  • Emmy: So this is the meaning of “you will lose your lives within 24 hours.” / It looks like Jakes didn’t want to wait the full 24 hours to get rid of us.
  • Luke: So Mr. Barde was also like this… / Was Mr. Barde killed by these thugs?
  • Layton: Who knows, we can’t arrive a conclusion yet. / Unfortunately, we can’t say for certain.


In the original version, Emmy mentions having an uncle that does martial arts!! Right in the middle of the first game of the trilogy! And wow! We had to wait until Azran Legacy, but Japanese people had clues from the beggining! O.o

me (DM): the guard looks at you, (bard), and says, “hail, halfling friend! where are you and these two guards going?”

bard: uhh, i just got hired here as kitchen staff, they’re taking me up to the lord for my employee orientation.

me: “oh, that sucks. i’m sure you’ll do great. (laughs), ‘cause if you don’t, he’ll kill you!”

bard: i’m not worried, i’m also a musician.

me: “oh yeah? play me something! play a little song for your new friend!” and you’re gonna have to roll a performance check. don’t brag if you don’t wanna do it.

bard, with a panicked expression: okay, i take out my recorder and i play a song.

me: and what are you playing for this guy?

bard: i don’t know! funkytown??? (rolls a nat 20)

me: yeah, uh, (cleric) and (rogue), you two have to complete the rest of the campaign by yourselves, (bard) has to roll a new character ‘cause they just landed a hit record deal with that performance

Asdfghjkl

I NEED to get this off my chest! I am so so so so damn happy about Jeff Goldblum being a part of the Marvel Universe now! I really have a crush on him since Jurassic Park came out, seriously! And Well, there is a really embaressing story of mine behind all this, which I will tell you now haha.

In Thor 2 I really was sure that the Collector was Jeff Goldblum bc he was a phenomenal lookalike with Jeff Goldblum as you would say Luke Evans as Bard the Bowman in the Hobbit movies looked more like Orlando Bloom as Will in PotC as Orlando Bloom himself lol. I just got crazy as I found out he isn’t Jeff Goldblum. And then the Grandmaster appears and they have choosen Goldblum for him. And for me it was even funnier, that he is playing the collectors brother then.I seriously escalated about all this. I’m the creepy fangirl of the two brothers and I swear I will cosplay one or both of them in future.

And to kill me twice, a part of the Loki fandom is shipping the grandmaster and loki. I can die happy now.

Cole

‘Sharp and Strong. Lightening up and down. Pain. Suffering. Unbearable. Make it stop. Glowing green. Killing me.’

‘Pain rushes over. Head trapped in a vice. Vile. Glowing blue. Shining. Shaking. I should take it. Stop.’

‘Iron strong. Cast in fire. They see the form but not inside. No name just a number.’

‘They see the place, not the person. The cloak, the staff. Fine wine and crumpled pages. Look at me.’

‘Strings being plucked. Memories of an age past. Sister. Bard. Now bird. Feathers flying. Where are you?’

‘Want to know. But knowing means to know. Don’t know what isn’t known. Tits. Shoot an arrow.’

‘Dreaming. Dreams of Fur. Feral. Fury. Fade away to become Ancient. Old. Forgotten. Sorry, old friend.’

‘Ink stained fingers and paper cuts. Names. Titles. Places. Parties. Silver tongue working for what is right. It is right, right?’

‘Lies upon lies. A name behind a name. Running. Coward. Pass the blame and run away. Found a purpose. Will take the blame.’

‘Molten warmth behind walls of ice. Caring for lost lambs. Lap of luxury. Caring for my Darling. Don’t go.’

‘Hard. Strong. Unwavering. Has to believe. Must believe. Raw emotion. Finding hope in the darkness. Seeking more.’

‘Embers burn hiding old pain. Tall tales tell tragedy to take it away. Her name holds power. Turn away then turn back. Cannot Stop.’


“I want to help them. My Friends.”

Dear Gods, that's unsettling.

My party, Chaotic Good Tiefling Twins (Bard & Sorceress), a Chaotic Good Dwarf Cleric, a Chaotic Neutral Half-Orc Barbarian, a Lawful Evil Human Paladin and my Lawful Evil Yuan-Ti Warlock. We had to get past a boy into the house he was guarding , he was like 10 years old so the party was adverse  to killing him if they could help it.

Me: I got this, I cast “Sleep”.
DM: OK, how are you gonna cast it
Me: I start singing “Trust in Me” from the Jungle Book in a hissing snake voice
DM: The boy unknowingly starts to sway to the sound of your voice, eventually his eyes roll up in his head and he drifts into a sound sleep.
Tiefling Bard (Ooc): Why’d you sing? I thought you were a Warlock?
Cleric (Ooc): He is, he’s just creepy.

They left me to keep watch while they checked inside for what we were looking for. They came to find I had eaten the boy, Anaconda style.

Cleric: What the fuck dude!?
Me: In my defense, you left an unconscious child, unsupervised, with an evil snake man.
Cleric: OK, yeah that one’s on me.

The Dragon Lover And Saviour

It was a foolish plan, going back to Erebor, trying to get rid of Smaug. As a lover of all things who flew, you were in pain when you realized that Thorin and the others wanted to the mighty dragon. You and Thorin had disagreed from the start, with you being an elf, and from Mirkwood nonetheless. It was only because of Mithrandir and Bilbo, that agreed to join, that and Thranduil may have sent you to Gandalf to have you spy on Thorin.

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Charles Grey Head-Canon

Does anyone else suspect Charles Grey from Kuroshitsuji/Black Butler of being misogynist? I just contemplated it today, and it has stuck.

Hear me out.

My first example is with Mey-Rin.

Granted, he was attempting to kill both Mey-Rin AND Bard. But he immediately went for Mey-Rin when he first barged in before moving on to Bard. After she proved to be a threat, he not only went after her again, but seemed particularly cruel. Or, at least to me, certainly rougher. He doesn’t just try to stab her, like with Bard, but stomps on her stomach (which, jfc, that looks PAINFUL!), knocking her down. Rather gleefully.

Granted, Grey certainly seems a bit psychotic, so you could easily put it off as just that.

But then there was this moment in Lizzy’s flashback, which I did notice a long time ago, actually, and I recall that back then I found it rather peculiar.

It is truly here where I get this misogynist sense. In the last panel, that is a look of absolute contempt. Everyone else is cheering, and even Phipps is intrigued and clearly impressed. But Grey is not only disapproving, but almost nasty. Like, “How dare she be here/fight?” Or something along those lines. But it is certainly a scornful look, and he is the only one amongst the crowd during the fight that is uninspired, despite Lizzy’s excellent skill.

So I can’t help but think that he dislikes women, possibly even hates them. Of course, this isn’t a lot to go by, but it’s suddenly become a head-canon of mine.

Any thoughts or varying opinions?

As a side-note, Phipps, on the other hand, is a fuckin’ gentleman. Look at him!

“Hey, sorry my friend was a douche. Lemme help you up there.”

Phipps is the good cop, while Grey is the psychotic, I-will-stab-you-in-the-face-after-I-eat-this-doughnut cop!

"Miscommunications: Imagine Bard getting into a fight and then you having to attend to his injuries afterwards."

You and Bard both glared at each other from across the room. That idiot had a scar on the corner of his forehead above his eye that was still bleeding, the corner of his mouth was bleeding as well with a nice bruise coming along on his face, and his shirt had gotten ripped in various places, leaving bleeding scars on his chest and arms.

“I cannot believe you.” you muttered, crossing your arms and tapping your feet, fuming as Bard clenched his jaw. 

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2

bronwen the city elf, also the picture i referenced for hair and skintone because i thought it was a nice progression show

ANYWAY

sera mentions the red jennies of starkhaven are three brothers; turns out they’re two sisters and a brother! who are part of a larger family. huge bunch of them within the starkhaven alienage. given that they are the center of that particular branch of “the friends of red jenny,” one might assume they’re used to things ranging from petty theft to killin’ a dude for laughs…

it’s a little weird when people meet the softspoken (pseudo)scottish elves, given their reputation. starkhaven’s red jennies have gotten kind of intense since the slaughter of the royal family. like, ‘kill a noble and make it look like an accident’ intense. no pies to be found here!

but it also really pisses off the free marcher and orlesian nobles because they act like bards without any one key noble under their support, they just want chaos. win/win!

The night they broke the DM

Context: my party of a Rogue, Druid, and Bard had just taken taken down a white dragon in a mining town and were in the process of looting it when I decided that they shouldn’t be able to carry around a whole dragon skin so I sent in someone to stop them.

Me: from inside the mine runs out a huge, burly half-orc covered in soot. He looks at you three, and says “we’ll take it from here.”

Rogue, standing on the carcass: This is our kill. We will do with it as we please.

*Rogue fails a persuasion roll*

Half-Orc: You killed it on my land, it is my dragon. You can keep what you’ve taken so far, but the rest belongs to the mine.

Gold-hungry Rogue: You can have it, for 50,000 gold.

*fails persuasion* *Druid fails to charm the Half-Orc*

Half-Orc: This is MY dragon.

Cocky Rogue: I’ll fight you for it.

*The party is all level 3 at this point, so I make the Half-Orc a Champion*

Half-Orc: *laughs* [Miner]! Bring me my greatsword!

They fight, and the Rogue is of course KO’d instantly. The Bard heals him and as he stands up with blood running down his face.

Sonofabitch Rogue: That was a great fight. We’ll give it to you for 15,000.

I stare at him in disbelief.

Me: Roll persuasion with disadvantage ‘cause he just kicked your ass.

The Rogue rolls a 19 and a 20. And this war hero who has killed a Pit Fiend and a Adult Blue Dragon gives the scrawny, greedy, arrogant Half-Elf 15,000 gold worth in silver bars from his own mine.

I knocked everyone’s drink over from how hard I slammed my head on the table.

Saving Smaug

anonymous || imagine

It was a foolish plan, going back to Erebor, trying to get rid of Smaug. As a lover of all things who flew, you were in pain when you realized that Thorin and the others wanted to the mighty dragon. You and Thorin had disagreed from the start, with you being an elf, and from Mirkwood nonetheless. It was only because of Mithrandir and Bilbo, that agreed to join, that and Thranduil may have sent you to Gandalf to have you spy on Thorin.

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This is very long but bear with me

I can’t stop thinking about it so imagine this: Bard’s coronation happens a few months after botfa, in the early summer - nobody had time for that earlier, people wanted Bard to decide about everything anyway, plus early summer seems like a more appropriate time for celebrations. The elves had stayed for a while after botfa to help but eventually came back to Mirkwood and only send food and medicine every once in a while (the political conversations are yet to begin, they’re waiting for Bard to be a proper king). Now they’re going to come back to attend the coronation. Both Bard and Thranduil are nervous about this because there’s been some tension between them before, but they were all too busy to pay attention to it - now however, after some time, and when everything is a bit calmer, they both feel things could happen but refuse to admit it even to themselves.

The elves arrive, Thranduil almost loses it when he sees Bard in fancy clothes and looking sharp instead of wearing his old bargeman outfit (like hot damn), but they both keep it cool, being polite and kingly and official etc. (they keep looking at eachother all the time tho and being in denial). In the night after the coronation and the celebrations (which he left as early as he could without being rude) Bard can’t fall asleep - he has to sleep in this strange new house people wanted him to get (because he’s a king now and he should live like one), he’s worried about a thousand things, he’s afraid he won’t be a good king, he misses things being simpler, and he can’t get Thranduil out of his mind, so he gets up and goes out for a walk. 

Except the elvenking couldn’t sleep either. Bard’s coronation brought back old memories. He remembered his own coronation day, remembered how he himself had became king, remembered the Last Alliance and Oropher’s death. And on top of that he can’t deal with his feelings about Bard. So he went out for a walk too. And he finds himself by the river, and the water seems so nice he decides it won’t kill him to walk around in it a bit, maybe just knees deep.

And that’s when Bard stumbles upon him. The elvenking wearing just his night robes (it’s a warm night shhhh), wading in the river, without the crown, looking up at the stars, maybe with his hair in a braid (‘cause he doesn’t want them to get tangled during the night duh), in the moonlight.

I don’t know what happens next, you tell me what happens next. I just can’t get this image out of my head sorry

Goblin Prisoner

It’s our first time playing DnD, Me a wood elf ranger (chaotic-neutral), a dragonborn claric (lawful-good), and a half-elf bard (neutral-good) end up tracking down a group of goblins to there camp. We end up picking them off silently until we end up with one goblin left. We end up tying him up and we start asking him questions with no luck.

Claric: If you tell us where our friend is we will let you go.

Goblin(DM): Scrall has no idea who you’re talking about!

Me(Ranger): Yes you do! *I punch him*

DM: You punch him?

Me: Yes

DM: Umm alright… *giving me a concerned look* You punch him.

Goblin: Nooo! What did Scrall do?!?

Me: I punch him again

Dragonborn: I don’t think this is the right approach.

Me: Yes it is! I punch him again.

Goblin: *Now a bloody mess* Alright I’ll tell you! Don’t hurt Scrall again!

So the goblin tells us that our friend is in a cave just north of here and asks if we will set him free.

Dragonborn: We should set him free, he did tell us where our friend is.

Bard: Yeah but what if he tells someone where we are going?

Me: True… let’s kill him. *I pull out my sword getting ready to kill him*

Dragonborn: No I won’t let you kill him! *He pulls out his sword trying to protect the goblin.

The entire time the DM is screaming “No don’t kill me” in the goblin’s voice.

Me: Fine I won’t kill him but we can’t have him talk.

Bard: Fine what do you have in mind?

Me: I know! I walk up to the goblin and cut out his tongue.

Dragonborn: You do what?

Me: I walk to the goblin and cut out his tongue. I say that with a straight face.

The bard and dragonborn both look at the DM with a “please don’t let him do this” face.

DM: ok you cut out his tongue with one of your arrows. He screams in agony while you remove his tongue spitting blood everywhere.

Me: I laugh historically while doing it.

Everyone looks at me with the most disgusted and concerned looks on there face.

Dragonborn: What the fuck is wrong with you?!?

Me: What?!? We can’t have him talking.

Long story short my friends learned that they have a psychotic wood elf with them.

Bardic Creativity

This little bit of a story is from a campaign featuring a plague that turned flesh to crystal and was spread through contact.
This was pretty early on, when the plague was just a rumour on our island, and our first time seeing anything sick with it.

DM: you encounter a pack of wolves. Some of their flesh is crystalline. They look injured but still aggressive.

Fighter: *instantly kills one with a nat 20 on a greathammer, then gets bitten by another*

Paladin: *kills the one that bit the Fighter*

Another wolf runs away but there is still one and both of our other party members are injured

Me, the Bard: (OOC) …….I cast shatter.

Everyone else: (OOC) you do what now?

The DM: What’s the saving throw?… No, no, forget it, there’s no saving throw for that, but you go from chaotic good to chaotic neutral.
The wolf explodes.

So, I guess The Princess Bride is canonically in this universe now...

Context: My Dragonborn Ranger had parted from the party for a time due to massive guilt over accidentally blowing off the legs and eye of our Drow Bard. The Bard’s sister, the Cleric, came looking for him a few times, and eventually he let her find him. After a surprisingly earnest conversation, the topic turned to his plans for after he caught up with and killed the lifelong target of his revenge…

Voxan(Ranger): Honestly, I don’t really know… Just call me Inigo Montoya.

Eden(Cleric): That’s an interesting name, what kind of name is it? What’s it from?

Voxan: Oh, it’s from this book I loved when I was a kid, and that was the character who was on a revenge quest of his own. It never really explicitly stated his race, though… Probably for a little more wiggle room for the reader, I guess… It’s a good book, I highly recommend it.

Eden: Well, it sounds cool. Do you have a copy I can borrow?

Voxan: Well, not really, but I’m sure I can find one.

And that is not only how did the Princess Bride become canon, but also how Voxan took on a new side-quest to find a copy of it…

The Limerick Bard Makes a Friend

So first and foremost: Yes, this campaign is still going. Second: one of the GM’s friends joined in and rolled a paladin that is kind of like a classic samurai in attitude.

GM: [giving the rundown of the characters] He’s a druid and has a wolf as his animal companion. She’s the party rogue, formerly of the circus, and in training to become a thief-acrobat. His barbarian’s name is “Nectar”, pronounced “Nek-Tarr”. Don’t get it wrong. And he’s… a bard. He speaks entirely in limericks.

Paladin: Why?

GM: I didn’t want him to play a bard so I set an impossible standard for him to meet and he met it.

Paladin: Holy fuck that’s amazing.

[Fast forward to when we actually meet the paladin in game.]

GM: You come across the warrior in the clearing, surrounded by a ring of bandit corpses. She cleans off her single-edged sword and sheathes it with a practiced meticulousness. She hears your approach and rises from her station.

Paladin: The battle was long.
              I fear I killed far too much.
              Do not judge me. Please.

Nectar: This is a mighty warrior indeed! What do you call yourself? Will you fight with us?

Paladin: My name is Elya.
              Tell me: Do your cause be just?
              If so: I will fight.

Druid: We seek to kill necromancers and their undead legions. What cause can be more just than that?

Paladin: Stand with you, I will.
              So, in carnage, I shall bloom,
              Like flowers at dawn.

Bard: That verse, I know it true.
          I don’t mean to offend you,
          But would it be crime
          To call your rhyme
          The verse known as “haiku”?

DM: [Looks over at his friend] I swear, if you do this, you’re dead to me.

Paladin: You’re trained in your craft
              To recognize ancient form.
              I like you, indeed.

Bard (OOC): Booyah! Poetry prevails

DM: I am going to find an excuse to kill both of you, I swear.

Hulk Hogan

When discussing the possibility of silvering the claws of our Druid we somehow went wildly off the rails.

Me
: Wait, can you silver your claws? Like when you transform, because that would be badass. Then you could kill werewolves.
Bard: No I don’t think you can silver claws.
Me: Ah damn.
Bard: But monks can though(referencing killing werewolves).
Me: Monks can change?
Monk: Well just look at Hulk Hogan.
Me: Hulk Hogan used to be a monk!?

Context: A bar fight broke out in the inn we were staying in and we got entangled in it so we just killed everyone. The barkeep was very much thankful for what we had done but…

DM: What will you do now?

Sabak(our half-orc bard): I TAKE A CHUNK OF FLESH OFF ONE OF THE DEAD GUYS AND EAT IT

DM: ….roll constitution

Sabak: I thought I could do that since I was a half-orc?

DM: half-orc

~

Orion(our Fighter): I cut up the bodies for later use.

Me: W H Y

Orion: We might need it to poison people later

Me(OOC): you’re gonna get us kicked out of here bro

~

Barkeep: Look, we’re thankful that you stopped the fight but I’m going to have to ask you to leave for uh…this.

And that’s the story of how we all got kicked out of an inn.