i ask him about photographs and he tells me about details we always forget to capture. it’s easy to love when you go so high you forget to see down. i ask him about hurt and he tells me how hearts only bleed red when promises break faster than glass. it’s easy to believe when the sky is blue. i ask him about love and he talks about me.
I’m such a liar.
When you see me, you’ll think of me as the strongest girl you’ll ever meet.
When you look at me, you’ll see a person who’s never easily hurt, while actually I can be easily hurt with a look.
When you look at me, you’ll see me holding myself like a proudly moving lioness, while if you look closely all you see is a soft kitten who needs a lot of care in order to survive.
When you see me in some situations in life, you’ll think of me as a marvelous iceberg; strong and cold, the kind of cold that is never affected, but if you know, and you’ll never know, I feel the fire burning my heart, I feel like a mad volcano that is never cooling down.
When you look at me, you’ll get the vibe that I never ever needed anyone nor will I ever do, and dont worry about that, I’m very talented at giving that vibe. But, deep down, I need, I need so badly to feel safe in someone’s arms, someone who could understand, someone who could hold something as fragile as me.
Yes, I’m a liar, a huge deceiver. So please don’t believe me when you first see me, because maybe you’re the one who could know how to heal the broken heart I hold.
I used to think it would hurt less if you had just died instead of left me. If you had no choice, because that way I would have felt like you’d still love me even when you would be gone. Now I believe I got the better outcome. Because even though you’re not mine, I still get to see your smile every day. I still get to hear your voice and I still get to make you laugh. You’re not mine anymore, but at least you’re here.
Called my sister today and we came round to talking about the emotional rollercoaster of this past weekend. She doesn’t watch Doctor Who, but she listens to me rave about it anyway. She asked all about the new Doctor and is pretty thrilled to hear how excited the fandom is with DW moving forward in a new direction. And as you’d expect, the conversation shifted to Peter Capaldi.
Back in January when Peter said he was leaving, I was bittersweet about it. More so, I was excited because I wanted to see Peter in more roles, more projects. I always would want him to explore whatever he thinks would enhance his experience and person as an actor. So I admit, I was pretty thrilled about that.
Fast-forward, past series 10, to last Friday when we received news of the new Doctor to be announced on the following Sunday. And as you, dearest followers, are well-aware, I was pretty devastated. This sadness I felt/feel is wholly irrational, but today I am able to put it into words.
It didn’t register to me, at an emotional level, that Peter Capaldi leaving meant that I was going to see the Twelfth Doctor “die” until they actually revealed the Thirteenth Doctor. Yes; with Jodie Whitaker taking us forward, the Doctor will always be with us. Despite this, the Twelfth Doctor is very special to me. He is the face of the Doctor that I wholly relate to because he is a sad, gloomy, and emotionally burdened character. A raw nerve.
Now, I am not trying to suggested that Twelve and I are depressives. That word just doesn’t fit the description. Let me be straight. When I compare myself to people my age, I don’t fit. That is not understatement or an overstatement. I do not relate to people my age, because I had responsibility and burdens thrust upon my shoulders since I was a teenager. I have had some unique challenges earlier on in my life than most people my age. And, it is what it is. There are very few people my age
(one other person) that I know of, who has walked on a hot bed of coals.
Walking with Twelve on his journey, I have always felt his sadness. The sadness of him being an alien, not like Clara or Bill. They were plain, darling humans who get on with regular and boring human life. For Twelve, he is so preoccupied with being a swot and saving the universe, which are things not a lot of persons in the universe do, so he is somewhat alienated. It is harder to relate with people, and people, frankly, just don’t know what to do with you.
While the other faces of the Doctor deal with the same prospects, I think it was Twelve who embodied the alienness. I can’t speak for Thirteen or any other future Doctor, but Twelve will always be the nice grumpy Doctor. The Twelfth Doctor, who for young people like me, I hope there are people like me out there, we can watch on TV and get hope from. Because while we face our battles, we, too, will find those people who anchor us. We, too, will find meaning in our battles.
The Twelfth Doctor was never meant to be the most popular Doctor, precisely because that is not what he represents. Instead, he focuses on being a good Doctor. A good person who passes through, helps out, learns.
This why the Twelfth Doctor is my Doctor. He is a reminder to me that while life might deal me the worst cards, I can still do everything in my power to be the best player.
The second piece that I ordered from @hetteh-spegetteh arrived a couple of days ago! I am completely enamored with it - it’s so gorgeous :’) These two as princes in her art style is a dream come true! Not to mention the extra drawing of the Ice Tiger of Russia and Suns Out Guns Out Otabek - thank you so much! I’m so happy :D
I would still take you back, 8 months later and I will still fall to my knees in tears by your demand. I can not believe it, I can not make sense in my head of why I would do such a thing. I guess, I truly do love you, I want to be with you. I shouldn’t, but I do. You just seem to be right, you’re always there even when I can’t see you, I can feel you. So maybe that’s a sign, you know me, I’m always looking for signs and universal things but maybe the biggest sign is the one deep within.
Remember where you were the day Lairport happened?
Remember where you were when Louis went to Barcelona and Harry showed up with a Barcelona coin bracelet? Or when Harry took fan pics at Selfridges and Louis showed up with a new shirt from Selfridges the very next day?
Remember when RBB made his glorious return and how we’d wait for pictures of him and SBB before every show?
Remember when Liam started reading all of the signs that were obviously Larrie signs, when they’d show the ones with rainbows on the big screen?
Remember when Harry started running with rainbow flags, and how proud of him Louis was? Remember how respectful Niall was of our flag when someone threw one on stage?
Remember when they first sang No Control to a sold out stadium and the crowd erupted like a volcano and the whole stadium shook because everyone was losing their minds, including the boys, with how happy we all were?
Remember when they first sang Eighteen and how Harry and Louis couldn’t stop turning to look at each other?
Remember the fan book in Sweden that said “only turn the page if the following statement is true: Larry is real” and Liam opened it and the looks Harry and Louis gave each other?
Remember Wheel Larrow? And when they did it again onstage during a show and Louis let Harry win like he always does?
Remember where you were the night they hugged each other on stage for the world to see, and the arena erupted into frantic screams of joy at seeing these two boys being able to publicly embrace again?
Remember what it’s like to be a Larrie? And to believe in the love between two boys who met when they were sixteen and eighteen and fell in love and have been fighting side by side ever since?
When people think of angels, they see white wings, golden locks and fluffy clouds under them.
But when I think of angels, I see no wings but just normal pair of arms that feels like home when it’s around you; there aren’t golden locks but just jet-black hair that’s so soft when you run your fingers through; there aren’t fluffy clouds under him but his sunshiny appearance shines all over the place.
You see, I believe that some angels don’t appear in such a perfect form. I sometimes believe that they pretend to be humans.