burn human

to be honest steggy shippers are the biggest demons in the entire marvel fanbase and their determination to seek out people that ship stevebucky just to anonymously tell them that “Bucky means less to Steve than Steve means to Bucky, and Steve doesn’t care about Bucky as much as he cares about Peggy, and also Bucky isn’t even the person closest to Steve and also Steve’s story and choices throughout aren’t anything to do with Bucky and even though Steve has chosen Bucky every time he’s had a choice including Bucky, he basically just tolerates him” is unbearably annoying and also homophobic because they’re solely doing it to upset lgbt fans who see themselves in the characters, and who also are just living their lives and aren’t at all behaving in this antagonistic way to the straights. and tbh u can interact with this post so i can block u bc I’d rather block every damn steggie on this blue hellscape than give any of them the chance to chat their shit in my inbox again

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( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 

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Humans and Fire

So I’ve read a few humans are weird posts and it got me thinking, what if humans are the only species to evolve to use fire. Like, most intelligent species will instinctively flee in panic the moment they catch sight of an open flame, yet show a human infant a fire and if they don’t know better, they will try to grab it.

Humans will burn everything. Most of us won’t eat anything unless it has been “Cooked” first. (A human word meaning to heat food until it has begun to denature but not yet started to carbonize.)

Start a small fire and instead of fleeing, humans will gather around it and start socializing.

We get intoxicated by setting specific plants on fire and inhaling the smoke, often with the burning embers mere inches from our sensitive face.

We use it to clear land for agriculture and hunting. We use it to punish criminals. We even use it for purely aesthetic purposes. (Think fireworks.)

Heck, we we discovered hydrocarbons, the first thing we did was burn them. In fact, humans were burning so much hydrocarbons they were literally altering the atmosphere of their planet.

Heck, humans have died because they literally did not have enough materials to burn.

Now imagine hostile aliens want to invade earth. They don’t use fire except for carefully controlled and heavily guarded industrial purposes. They also don’t know much about earth other than it is definitely inhabited and the people haven’t developed intergalactic travel.

They’re expecting to face primitive forces armed with the local equivalent of clubs and bows. What they get is, to them, a strange anachronistic jumble of expected primative technologies and highly advanced technologies that they definitely shouldn’t have.

They’re not expecting guns. (Projectile weapons that consist of a narrow tube with projectile and a chemical propellent stuffed into one end. Instead of an electromagnetic pulse, the propellant is ignited and the expanding gases shoot the projectile out of the tube.)

They’re not expecting powered vehicles. Instead of electric motors, humans have what they call the internal combustion engine. (A motor that works by sucking flammable gas into an enclosed chamber, igniting the gas under pressure, and using the resulting force from the detonation to move a piston. Because of that, humans have heavy machinery, self-propelled vehicles, and powered air-craft before they even really understood bio electricity.

They’re not expecting bombs, or incendiary weapons. (It was also how it was discovered that their bio-polymer armor, while excellent against projectiles, can actually burn at surprisingly low temperatures.

They’re not even expecting smelted metal. Steel to them is a high tech material that can only be produced under specialized conditions of extreme heat, and requires very specialized facilities to produce. They are shocked to discover that humans have been smelting copper before they developed writing.

And they are definitely not expecting nuclear weapons. (Which are basically “bombs” that instead of using combustable chemicals use an uncontrolled nuclear fission reaction. They are also aghast to discover that not only was this apparently the first thing we thought to do when we discovered fission, but that competing human faction have “how many of these weapons stockpiled!?”

After retreating in disgrace, the task force sent to monitor the plant is horrified to report that humans are rapidly expanding into space. They aren’t using gravitic lifters or electromagnetic mass drivers. They are apparently simply loading equipment and personnel into special “missiles” and using a shit ton of highly combustable fuel to simply launch themselves into space.

  • So everyone is talking about how weirded out Solas was by the Dawn Will Come scene but has anyone considered...
  • Lavellan: [doesn't believe in the Maker or Andraste saving her, literally says how she survived Haven on her own]
  • Mother Giselle: Shadows fall and hope has fled
  • Lavellan: Wh - I don't - [looks around] What is she -
  • Leliana: The shepherd's lost
  • Lavellan: Leliana? You too?
  • Random scouts: The dawn will come
  • Lavellan: What
  • Cullen: And the path is dark
  • Lavellan: Is - is this some kind of weird human ritual? You're all from totally different backgrounds and corners of Thedas, how do you all know this song?!
  • Literally everyone from Haven: For one day soon the dawn will come
  • Lavellan: I - Mythal forfend, why am I being surrounded?!
  • Literally everyone from Haven: [bowing and singing]
  • Lavellan: Oh gods is this some kind of sacrificial ritual
  • Lavellan: Roderick just died and no one noticed but Dorian because you're all still singing
  • Lavellan: Does this mean I'm next?!
  • Solas: [walks toward the circle looking very confused]
  • Lavellan: Solas you know more about humans than me
  • Lavellan: Tell me this isn't a blood sacrifice thing
  • Lavellan: Solas
  • Lavellan: Solas help
Can we talk about Rooster teeth for a minuet?

I would just like everyone to remember that there is a company of people in central Texas so loving and close that they have basically adopted foreign nationals into their families as their own children. You can listen to Burnie talk for hours about how he fought tooth and nail with lawyers for over a year to get Barbara and Gavin into this country (watch Gavin’s game time it’s one of the greatest things I’ve ever seen), and about how he worries about them when they hurt or when Gavin’s health problems act up like he worries about his own two sons.

I’ve repeatedly seen on the podcast Burnie having to make a conscious effort to restrain himself from leaping out of his goddamned big boy chair, picking up Gavin in a fullnelson, wrangling him into the back of his truck/car, and rushing his ass to the emergency room to finally figure out what exactly is wrong with Gavin’s brain and get that shit fixed before it can cause any more damage. It causes him physical fucking pain whenever he here about one of his employees (his fucking Family) in physical or emotional pain, and he does whatever he can to make their lives better every signal day.

Spending Christmas alone without your family Ray? Let’s bring you a gift and a home cooked meal despite the fact that it’s fucking 11-o'clock on Christmas Eve just to make you feel at home! Realize that you might have fallen in love with a girl on the other side of the Pacific Ocean and another continent Jack? Let’s see if I can’t find a way to foot the bill for six trips half way around the fucking globe so you can see her, why the hell not!

I fucking love this company. I fucking love Burnie Burns. You are an example of the kind of man I want to grow into. A great friend to all he knows, and a father to all his friends.

And the Heavens Wept

Gather around my children and you shall hear of the most terrible, most implacable, most improbable friends ever met by our people. They came from the third planet of a tiny system, surrounded by desolate space. Not one sentient species for hundreds of lightyears, and they managed to propel themselves into space.

We watched from afar as they developed slowly. We watched as they warred among themselves, brutal and savage. We watched as they rendered regions of their planet uninhabitable to themselves, a hardy species able to adapt to even the most hostile of environments. We watched as suddenly and without warning they united under four banners, the rest falling by the wayside. We watched as they expanded into what we had begun to use as a buffer zone, to allow these humans to burn themselves out in.

But they did not burn themselves out. Despite their warring among themselves. Harsh people. Humankind is a race of warriors, do not be fooled by the eloquence of their diplomats. In their own words, “All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means”. Their greatest artists and philosophers were born from blood and conflict. I had the privilege once to view a painting by one Pablo Picasso, entitled Guernica. It was a savage piece, with not a drop of color. It showed the horrors of war, and the irony of it all was that the painting hung in the office of one of humankind’s generals.

It was sudden, when they burst from the containment zone. When they realized they were not alone. And we, with heavy hearts, prepared to fight them bitterly and to the last. Imagine then, our surprise when humanity embraced us among the stars as long lost brothers. They were overjoyed to discover they were not alone in the darkness. Despite their brutal and warlike culture, despite their glorification of death and violence, their people do not seek out combat. An ancient general of theirs once put it thusly “Although a soldier by profession, I have never felt any sort of fondness for war, and I have never advocated it, except as a means of peace”.

For centuries humanity worked to better itself. They unified under a single Interstellar Empire, the Empire of Man, the Human Empire, however you called it. They enjoyed art and music. They became leisurely at home, exploratory in the field. Their weapons of war were long gone, beaten into plowshares as they say. Humanity was finally at peace. There was no conflict among them, a few border skirmishes for certain, and they kept a small standing military, but nothing more than that. We considered them domesticated.

At first we were surprised at their transformation, then overjoyed. We welcomed them into the fold of the cosmos, embraced them as they would embrace us. We thought we knew humanity then, that we had seen them at their best and their worst. We were wrong, so very wrong. We did not truly understand humanity until the Texar-Hakara came into the void between the stars.

Seemingly more brutal, more bloodthirsty than even the humans, they swept into our region of space like conquerors. They smashed whatever feeble resistance the Yungling managed to put up, took their planets, enslaved the survivors, and pressed on. The Junti were next, utterly destroyed. The four great races left, ourselves, the Itaxa, the Kukrama, and the Illnaa, banded together to try and stop them. In our arrogance, we did not include the humans in our pact. Too few in number, too weak in frame, too backwards in technology we thought.

The Texar-Hakara hit our borders like the great wave that sweeps life from the beach. We hardened our hearts and prepared for the worst. Seeming without pause they crushed our border defenses. They obliterated the first fleets we sent to them. The Itaxa fell to the Texar-Hakara, enslaved, killed, scattered to the corners of the galaxy. Then the humans sent us an offer, a request really. They asked to fight alongside us.

Bemused, we accepted. What else could we do? Deny them the right to fight with us for their very survival? We thought to assign them as rearguards, to ferry our people to safety after our fleets fell. We thought wrong.

Humanity swept into the stars with a fury unmatched by any other. Their fleets were not the heaviest. Their guns not the most accurate. Their soldiers however. Their sailors. Their warriors were unmatched by any others in the cosmos. I remember the first battle in which the humans fought the Texar-Hakara like it was but a single solar cycle ago. Our forces were on the brink of breaking and fleeing. Our ships were gutted ruins. Our fighters exhausted and out of missiles. Then humanity fell upon the flank of the enemy, and the full force of the Human Empire was unleashed in a single moment of utter fury. Landing craft spat across the distance in an instant, slamming into enemy hulls and disgorging humanity’s greatest weapon, their Marines. In close combat humanity is unstoppable, and so they took the vast distances of space combat out of the equation.

Their ships belched fire and plasma. Lasers crossed the vast distances in the blink of an eye. Half the Texar-Hakaran fleet was obliterated in minutes. The other half turned to face this new enemy, only to be wracked by internal explosions as the Marines did their work. Their greatest ships turned on the rest of the fleet, a handful of humans holding the bridge against waves of enemy attackers to turn the tide of battle.

The Interstellar War came to a screeching turnaround. The advance of the Texar-Hakara halted, like it had hit an immovable wall. In many ways that is what humanity is, an immovable, implacable wall. Then, with the ferocity humanity is alone capable of, they routed the Texar-Hakara. Not from that lone battle. They pushed them out of Itaxa space, liberating the slaves. The space of the Junti and the Yungling was swept clear of invaders. Then the Texar-Hakara committed the gravest of sins in humanity’s eyes. They warped a fleet to Earth, jewel of humanity’s empire. They burned that blue and green world. They destroyed it, and the trillion people it housed.

Humanity is a forgiving race my children. Even their most terrible of wars have resulted in lasting friendships between nations. When they left millions dead and broken on the muddly fields of their world, they rebuilt the aggressors. They raised them from the mud, dusted them off, and welcomed them back into the fold. But there is one thing that humanity cannot, will not, tolerate. It is abhorrent to them my children. To strike at their home, to strike where they raise their young ones. Where they leave their mates and non combatants. To strike there is to raise the ire of the human race, truly.

Humanity raged. Their attempts at obtaining the surrender of the Texar-Hakara halted. The war turned from a righteous war of liberation to a furious and hateful war of retribution. We begged the humans to stop, to leave what few planets the Texar-Hakara had alone. Our pleas went unanswered for months, until a single human ambassador came to us. His face was cold and emotionless. He told us, in no uncertain terms, that the Texar-Hakara had doomed themselves and that any trying to aid them would suffer the same fate. Quietly we watched then, as humanity wiped the Texar-Hakara from the stars. The Texar-Hakara pleaded for mercy. They offered their unconditional surrender. They came to us and begged on bent knee for us to reign in the mad dogs we had unwittingly unleashed into the universe. Humanity had for so long repressed their warrior culture. Tried to become better. Then we had given them back into the fires of war, and humanity had awakened it’s warrior past.

The Texar-Hakara ambassadors were taken from our halls by grim human Marines and thrust out airlocks. Finally there was but one planet left, and we came to the humans, we pointed to our own losses, our own dead friends some of whom had lived for longer than humanity had been among the stars, and we begged the humans not to take the last of the Texar-Hakara’s lives.

I watched, children, I watched as the Texar-Hakara’s world burned. As humanity left but one of their planets alive, a simple backwater colony of no more than ten million. Ten million, out of the trillions. Then the leader of the human military turned to me, and with no emotion in his voice, told me that humanity accepted the unconditional surrender of the Texar-Hakara, and walked off the bridge of my ship.

My children, the lesson here is that a warrior past is never truly gone. Only buried, mayhaps even wiped from living memory. But gone? Never. Humanity showed us that.

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SOBS THIS PLANET IS WORTH SAVING AFTER ALL 🌮💖

(also i totally laughed at taco ball, just, an entire ball of taco)

Blushing

Today I found out that humans are the only animals who blush. As no other species do it, we have no reason to believe aliens will. Hence, this post.

What if aliens see a human blushing and just stare in shock? Imagine, an alien who’s read all the handbooks and is really prepared. Now imagine that alien has heard of sunburn and thinks their human is burning in front of their very eyes. 

Or what if the alien is misinformed and thinks blushing is a sign of love? After all, we all talk about blushing in front of people we care about, any alien with reasonable self-confidence could think that human likes them. 

Or what if the alien thinks humans are just bad at camouflage? Or what if the alien thinks the human is moulting (some animals change colour when moulting)? 

Heck, what if aliens communicate through colour changes and thinks the human is trying to say something?

And those are all the odd ideas that occurred to me.

Stellar conversation on BBC Wales today
  • Caller: I live in America now, since the '80s, but I'm visiting family in Wales this week, and I thought I'd ring in.
  • Host: Why did you move from Wales to America?
  • Caller: I actually moved because of a woman.
  • Host: Who's the lucky lady?
  • Caller: Margaret Thatcher.

Humans are Weird

So I stumbled on this tag and I literally cannot get it out of my head it hilarious.

So can you imagine what aliens would think of beauty practices and stuff. Like:

Alien: Human Aiden, what is it that you are doing to your head particles?

Human Aiden: my what? Oh, my hair! I’m straightening it.

Alien: But how do you straighten it? Do.you produce chemicals that allow you to change the form of the particles that grow out of your scalp?

Human Aiden: No I straighten it with the straightener. I basically make two peices of metal really really hot and then I put my hair between them and they become straight.

Alien: YOU ARE BURNING YOUR PARTICLES?!

Human Aiden: Yeah it’s pretty.

Or how about nail polish.

Alien: Human Daphne, why do you coat this substance upon your calcium based peices that grow out of your phalanges? Does it make them stronger, and better for battle?

Human Daphne: Nah it’s just pretty. It’ll come off in about three days.

Alien: …what

And don’t even get me started on makeup.