burden of guilt

abusers don’t want to carry the guilt for their own abuse you know? they wont do it. they let you know it hurts them and they don’t want to experience any of it, they don’t let you hold them guilty, they say the guilt is on you, they force you to take it, they drown you in the guilt and say it’s all your fault.

so you are the one who feels like a monster. you are the one feeling like you’re toxic and somehow a danger to the others, you are the one carrying the shame and the guilt as if you abused someone that badly, as if you caused for someone to abuse you. you are the one who gets self conscious over all of your actions and words, you feel like you’re the worst human alive, you feel like you deserve to be punished and abused for your crimes, you feel like you’ve done something wrong, like you need to be forgiven but nobody will give you forgiveness, you feel like there’s something inherently wrong and evil inside of you, like it can’t be helped because you are you. you end up feeling like the world would be a better place without you in it. you end up hiding and scared that you’ll be revealed for how horrible you really are. you end up feeling like you don’t deserve to exist.

that is what abuser should have been feeling. that is what they should have been carrying. that was forced on you. you haven’t done anything wrong. you’ve been forced to carry their emotional burden. that is what they should have been going through. forcing the victim to feel the guilt and shame of the abuser, forcing them to carry this burden on themselves, together with the burden of being betrayed and abused, that is actual torture.

and it’s devastating because you never got to be in love with yourself, you never got to experience how it feels to be human, free of guilt, free of thinking about yourself as a monster, free of burden and shame, free of self hatred, free of self consciousness and anxiety, free of fear and paranoia that you’re doing something wrong, free of feeling like you deserve to be punished, free of suicidal feelings, free to feel like you deserve being loved! because that’s what you deserved! you have done nothing wrong! you have done nothing to deserve the burden you’re carrying! it’s abuser who should be carrying it. it’s time for it to be returned to where it truly belongs. and that is not on your shoulders.

I’m just trying to recall the last time we actually saw Dean do anything sexual with anyone. Because in 12.11, we know he had the hots for Larry, and after going for his ride he “blew off steam” with the waitress. But what does that mean? And the fact that he was supposed to meet her after her shift but never showed… for what? Round two? To finish what they started? It is a mystery. I mean, she didn’t seem all that invested, just pissed that he blew her off when she finally did see him again.

And ALL of that technically happened BEFORE HE WAS HEXED!

So, sound mind, consenting adults, and all that. And when she realized that he couldn’t remember because he’d been “roofied,” she was immediately concerned that she may have taken advantage of him and apologized.

I mean, that’s fantastic.

When the heck has Dean ever gotten an apology like that?

This is pretty far removed from “mistakes were made.”

Before this, he had some sort of success in 11.13 before then striking out later in the episode.

And before that was 11.04, where those mistakes were made, whatever that means.

But even with his memories removed and therefore no burden of guilt, we didn’t actually see him hit on anyone the entire episode. He was polite and smiley with people, complimenting Rowena’s hair for being “bouncy” oh my god. Being friendly with the waitress, even smiling at Sam when he had no freaking clue who HE was, let alone who Sam was. Dean’s default without his memories seems to be cheerfully pleasant with a zest for life (and waffles) (and Larry).

So, not a womanizing jerk dudebro.

He thought his own damn life hunting monsters with their angel best friend sounded awesome. He noticed people, but he didn’t have that performing persona. And he unashamedly admitted to loving A DISNEY CARTOON FISH. I mean… 

This was all just so refreshing in a really twisted and terrifying sort of way…

Appropriation and a God's Burden

@spoopernaptime asked: 

Hi, I have a long question about cultural appropriation regarding Native American mythology. The Thunderbird has a long history across various tribes and regions. This pertains to a character who represents a single side of dualist philosophy - i.e concepts of yin, relating to darkness, water, etc. 

This character is an ancient entity currently residing in a form resembling a Native woman - as her most recent ‘role’ in terms of how humans believed in her was the Thunderbird and she still resides in the Pacific Northwest - home to a diversity of tribes and persistent Thunderbird culture. She has an odd relationship with the Native cultures across America in that she feels like she let them down as a God (what with, white imperialism and genocide and all.) Part of her character arc does include starting a blog dedicated to the preservation and education of Native languages but she’s reluctant to engage with the communities - and to a greater extent, pretty much all of humanity. 

The story itself is full of metaphysics brought down to human levels, and I ended up using a Native American concept in the process of embodying a primordial force. I’m aware of the Magical Native American trope and (I think) she sidesteps it well enough but I’d like to know just how terrible an idea this may be. Especially with the latest mess from Rowling.

It’s all a bit weird because the character is technically not even human, much less a Native American, and is older than humanity itself. However, in her acting as a Thunderbird, she was very real in terms of what individual cultures believed her to be (the whole system of magic in the fantasy is based on the power of human faith, so. Due to the nature of what she is I wouldn’t say her character invalidates anyone’s faith and yet!! I don’t really know. So.) Most of her character arc has little to do with Native Americans and everything to do with her own self and relationships to the other non-Native characters. So is this a mess of cultural appropriation and disrespect or what.

So… you have an ancient spirit with no connection to Natives become a sacred religious concept for multiple tribes in order to “help” Natives, then proceed to include no Natives in your plot?

What part of this isn’t appropriation?

You’ve basically come up with a white saviour/guilt plot, using a god instead of white people. The spirit must protect and save Natives! But then the whole plot is her dealing with her own feelings, so the Thunderbird becomes a window decoration to show where her focus is, and what guilt she’s dealing with.

The blog is actually something I’m going to focus on because depending on how you spin it, you can either come across as helpful (re-posting a bunch of stuff that other people have written to defer authority to them— as she should) or steamrolling actual Natives (by writing content in authoritative tone, which is a non-Native being an expert in Native culture). If you don’t play your cards right with this, you will come across as colonialist. 

Even protecting and preserving cultures can have a toxic twist to it, in the form of believing assimilation is inevitable so you should document everything that exists now. It can come across as fetishizing to focus on the resilience of Native culture, because it’s very easy to turn voyeuristic/model minority about it. “Look at all this tragedy, but they’re still fighting and exist!” can be both genuine praise and invalidation for the cultural genocide. Or, if you exclusively go “all this tragedy, imagine the possibilities, poor them” then you can both be validating the pain… or ignoring modern resistance efforts.

Tricky balance to accomplish, and nearly impossible to do so if she doesn’t interact with Natives. Also next to impossible to get sources, because how will she find anything if she doesn’t interact with the community?

Magical Native isn’t your worry, here. The core of that trope is “Native person had special powers because they’re Native”… so the fact your character isn’t Native and has no connection to a tribe means you avoid the trope by default.
What you very much do fall into is a reskin of White Man’s Burden, where an outside character feels pity towards a marginalized group and promptly works to better them, becoming a better person in the process. 

This is very much a white person’s story at the direct expense of Natives. The Thunderbird is nothing but window decoration to give context for what the god is feeling/what their current role is. Instead of exploring or representing Natives, you’ve sidelined our story to have somebody external feel guilty for not treating us right.

And that doesn’t help us at all.

~ Mod Lesya

In the same vein, regarding to the dualist philosophy in this work, I think it would be better if you made sure it wasn’t just a repackaging of Chinese philosophy. Many philosophies and religions deal with dualism/dualities, so I think that you can find ways to build a fictional philosophy/system around dualism that isn’t coded as Chinese, particularly if this work isn’t going to have much Chinese representation.

~Mod Stella

Traumatized kids know how it is to go thru life alone. They were on their own since the start. They learned young that their world will turn against them, for any reason, and nobody will stand on their side. They were taught to silence their pain because crying out and getting humiliated and harmed for it hurts worse. They learned to appreciate isolation and neglect as if it was a gift, because it could be worse. They learned that their pain doesn’t matter. They learned that being weak isn’t an option, needing attention isn’t an option, wanting to be acknowledged and accepted was nothing short of asking for pain. They tried to earn it but that too only brought more pain, nothing they did was deemed good enough.

They learned to be strong. They know they’ll have nobody to call for help when things go wrong. They learned to face trials and dangers of life alone. They had no choice. Will you go to parents you’re scared of when your best friend betrays you? Will you be able to stand hearing “that’s what you deserved!” while drowning in grief? Will you talk to them when you get hurt and bullied, wounded and cornered by the world? Only to get spat on because they consider it all your fault, and you should know it’s your fault, struggling is your fault, trusting in someone is your fault, messing up in harsh world you were forced into without experience or guidance or advice or protection, it’s all your fault. You should have known better. You should have known it’s your own fault when someone hurts you. You should have known you deserved even worse. 

You learn to hide your wounds so they can’t be cut in deeper. You learn to tell yourself all the harsh and cruel words you know you’d hear if you open your mouth, because you don’t want to deserve hearing it more. You already know. You hate yourself because you’re told that all you’re going thru is happening because of who you are, because you are not good, not lovable, not able of deserving anything, not important enough to matter. And that’s never going to change, tricking people into thinking you’re human is best you can hope for, but they will eventually figure it out.

How are you supposed to figure it out it wasn’t you, without anyone on your side and the world ready to blame you? How are you supposed to shift focus on what others are doing and hold them responsible? How are you supposed to realize your worth? How are you supposed to handle when others betray and abandon you like you’re nothing, when your parents voices in your head start screaming they were right about you? 

Carrying the burden of guilt, shame, anxiety and fear that you’re being seen by everyone the same way your parents saw you, that everyone will eventually treat you as badly as your parents did, and that you deserved it, that’s what it means to walk thru the world wounded and alone. Doubting your memories, reactions, instincts, feelings, berating yourself for not being “normal” enough, for being seen as a nuisance and a burden, never feeling like you have the right to ask for what you want and need. Never knowing that get to own your life and use it freely for yourself. That is the heavy, painful life child abusers set up for their children. That’s what their parents wanted them to live thru.

Why Larimar could be the Lapidot fusion

For day three of Lapidot Anniversary Week (prompt: “fusion”), I’m going to be doing some theorising about why I now believe that Larimar will be the Lapidot fusion, based on the properties of the stone and its usage in crystal healing.

(Source:  w w w . crystalvaults . com / crystal-encyclopedia / larimar – please remove the spaces, I’ve written it like this due to issues with posts not appearing in the tags if they contain external links)

“Larimar is the embodiment of the tranquil Sea and Sky energies”

This immediately reminds me of both Lapis and Peridot.  Lapis, of course, has complete control of the sea and she can fly – and Peridot can also fly when she has her limb enhancers (as well as being the pilot of the Hand Ship in Jailbreak).

“It brings the ancient wisdom of Atlantis”

Hi, Peridot!

“Larimar is one of the cardinal Water element stones, yet is born of Fire in its volcanic origins”

Originally posted by giffing-su

The fact that Larimar has volcanic origins is extremely interesting when you consider that real-life Peridot can be formed in the earth’s mantle (along with Peridotite) – which is something that Peridot herself mentioned in Gem Drill!  We also have the connection to water again as well, making it have relevance to Lapis too.

“Larimar cools tempers and calms fears, relieves stress…”

“Larimar is a crystal of serenity, promoting relaxation in every aspect”

“Larimar is a powerful emotional cleanser and healer, especially for phobias, panic attacks, stress-related imbalances, and excessive anger or fear”

“It helps us moderate aggressiveness and deal with rage”

Originally posted by doafhat

Originally posted by starberry-cupcake

So, it could greatly benefit both Lapis and Peridot.  They’ve both had more than their fair share of stress and fear, and are both prone to exhibiting very bad tempers and/or aggressive behaviour at times (with Peridot’s explosive tantrums, and Lapis’ brooding and often unforgiving rage).

“The more intense the blue and contrast within the [Larimar] stone, the rarer and higher its value”

This jumps out at me for the fact that this principle also applies to real-life Lapis Lazuli.  Incidentally, Lapis in the show also has a Gem that’s pure blue (as opposed to having any pyrite/calcite inclusions)…

“Larimar is a wonderful stone for mothers”

If you interpret Pumpkin as being the Lapidot “child”, then this certainly takes on some relevancy! Especially considering Peridot’s comment in Gem Harvest about missing the “pitter-patter of full-sized Gem soldiers” (a reference to the expression “hearing the pitter-patter of tiny feet”, which is used when talking about people who are imminently going to have a child) when explaining why she and Lapis decided to grow their field of vegetables in the first place.

“As a soothing Water element stone, Larimar cools hot tempers and guides excessive passion into peace”

Peridot has generally become much calmer since being around Lapis, and seems much more settled nowadays.  Her passionate side is still there, but it’s very much being used for good and peaceful activities nowadays (such as “meep morp” and vegetable-growing).  Could a fusion into Larimar with Lapis help to further calm her, then?

“Larimar is an excellent stone for finding a soulmate”

As Peridot and Lapis barely leave each others’ side, I don’t feel like this point needs any explanation.

“It facilitates the healing of unresolved issues or fears, trauma to the heart, or past-life relationships”

Originally posted by giffing-lazuli

I like the idea that Larimar can help with trauma – considering that Lapis has had a very traumatic life and would appear to be suffering from PTSD and depression as a result of this.  I know the article here is referring to “past-life” relationships, but it could still hold some relevance when you consider the living nightmare in Lapis’ past that was Malachite.

“Larimar assists in identifying self-imposed limitations and self-sabotaging behavior, especially toward martyrdom, and encourages taking control of one’s life. It is particularly useful in admitting guilt, when guilty, and in bringing about a sense of peace in truthfulness.”

Originally posted by venomade

Lapis started to express real guilt for her past actions in Alone At Sea (one such action, of course, was effectively martyring herself in order to protect Steven from Jasper - but deliberately hurting Jasper in the process).  There’s a lot of horror in her past that she still needs a helping hand to cope with.  Likewise, I believe that Peridot is also burdened with a lot of guilt for some of her past actions; which is something that she appears to be bottling up.

Therefore, fusing into Larimar could help them both to make peace with themselves and begin to let go of their pasts.

“It aids in breaking down the walls one has built around the heart for defense, and allows for emotional release and the clearing of deep emotional patterns. It helps one to reconnect to a previous, more natural state of playfulness and joyful childlike energy”

Originally posted by plugeth

I feel like this also has a lot of relevancy.

Again, Peridot is bottling a lot of things up – and quite often, Lapis appears to be putting up a front in order to hide her inner turmoil.  The pair of them do have a lot of playful energy at times, so Larimar could encourage (and completely embody) this.

“It emanates vivaciousness, humor, and a sense of one’s own power”

Peridot is the definition of vivacious!  She and Lapis also have a shared sense of humour (as seen in Gem Harvest, in particular) – and Lapis wields an insurmountable power over water.

“Light blue crystals [such as Larimar] help us accept the life we have, develop patience, reconcile differences, or seek forgiveness. They’re excellent for recovery efforts from addictions or destructive patterns, aid in curbing tempers, and help us become more dependable and cheerful. Light blue crystals also assist in dealing with grief, letting go of the past, and curing guilt”

I really think that this speaks for itself.

“[It] tempers excess, restores calm after a storm, relieves stress, and neutralizes extremes”

Originally posted by cartoon-epileptic

This scene in particular was both a metaphorical and literal “calm after the storm”.

“Larimar also utilizes … a fresh, welcome energy that moves us to serenity as new growth and life emerges. It brings hope, discovery and balance”

Much like Lapis and Peridot having a fresh start on Earth, discovering this wonderful new planet together… and even creating new life together.

3

From Volume 11 Omake

Midoriya Inko (41 years old)

  • Birthday: July 4
  • Height: 160 cm
  • Likes: Izuku

Her husband is working abroad alone.

She brought up Izuku alone through mutual agreement. (correction)

She’s not very brave and has a shy personality.

Because of worry and guilt burdening her regarding Izuku, she became fat.


Bakugou Masaru (42 years old) (dad)
Bakugou Mitsuki (38 years old) (mom)

Dad:

  • Birthday: March 15
  • Height: 177 cm
  • Likes: Classical Music

Mom:

  • Birthday: December 1
  • Height: 170cm
  • Likes: Volleyball

Mom’s Quirk is “Glycerin”. Gives off a moisturizing effect, giving beautiful skin. Youthful.

Dad’s Quirk is “Oxidizing Sweat”. Produces acid from his palms that explodes. Unlike Ashido’s (Mina) that gives out a huge amount of liquids, this Quirk is sweat only. The explosions are made by clapping (added info) or rubbing both of his palms together.

There was also a time when his interest in becoming a Hero is not as strong as entering the design industry, so he chose that path. Met Mitsuki at work where he was fiercely approached by her first.


Jirou Kyoutoku (40 years old) (dad)
Jirou Mika (36 years old) (mom)

Dad:

  • Birthday: January 16
  • Height: 171 cm
  • Likes: Rock

Mom:

  • Birthday: February 16
  • Height: 159 cm
  • Likes: Punk

Ear tab jack” is the Mom’s Quirk. The “Jirou” surname is also from her. Taking the female’s surname for married couples in this universe is not uncommon.

The Dad, a musical composer, instantly fell in love with the Mom’s musical talents and so they got married.

Because the both of them had lived a life like that, they hope that a fulfilling life also comes to their daughter Kyouka.

Daughter, you can do it.


Edit: Thanks for the corrections, @lovemeteorstrike

Edit#2: Added Jirou family and removed reblog.

anonymous asked:

hi! i really liked your meta on the recent chapter and i wanted to know your opinion on why levi chose armin instead of erwin? im not trying to start drama but i just keep thinking about what flock said on chapter 90 and i dont know how i feel about it still. what are your thoughts on the subject??

Ahh. I understand, anon. I’ve given my thoughts on this before but, not since the original spoilers came out. After rereading the entire arc, I definitely have a few things to add. So, get comfy because this answer will be a really long one, and also best read on a computer because this will contain a lot of images.

DISCLAIMER:

This is my personal opinion. In no way am I stating what I say here is entirely canon or completely accurate. if you disagree with my opinion, that’s perfectly fine! Everyone has a different point of view, but if you are going to send me messages trying to argue point of views with me, tell me I’m wrong, or send me hate messages; do us both a favor and please just don’t even bother.

Let me start this out by saying that I’m positive a lot of people will not agree or even like my opinion on this but, I will be completely honest in my statements on the matter. 

Flocke’s little speech made a lot of sense to me. Especially when it comes to Erwin but, it also pissed me off for a couple of reasons, and no, not because of his tone. It’s because of his ignorance. However, I am fully aware that I, as a reader of the story, get a first hand view of everything that happens. Flocke is a new recruit who was, up until recently, completely unaware of a lot that has gone on with the Survey Corps. 

Regardless though, he still slightly pissed me off and you asked so therefor, I will answer lol. The first thing I want to touch on is how he complains about being a coward who didn’t understand the dangers of the role he was playing in the Wall Maria reclaiming mission because people weren’t honest with him. 

BRUH…

For seventy years it has been no secret that at least 60% of all Survey Corps soldiers die on missions. Erwin point blank stated this when the 104th took to their ranks during his little joining speech. The dangers of fighting titans wasn’t something anyone tried to hide or keep tucked away in the hopes that soldiers would ignorantly join their ranks, and I doubt VERY highly that the dangers of the BIGGEST MISSION THE SURVEY CORPS HAD EVER PLANNED TO ATTEMPT was some massive smoke screen.

This dude knew his chances of survival were slim, and he also knew that his chances of having to sacrifice his life was very, very high. Especially since he originally refused to join to SC in the first place! Truthfully, this part right here just read off as someone who joined their ranks in the hopes of gaining some glory to me, and that made me salty. 

I did agree highly with his last question though. They all have every right to know how much their sacrifice is worth. I had this feeling deep in my gut the first time I saw the female titan arc. No one knew the dangers they were actually being put in, save for the veteran soldiers in the legion. Granted, it’s entirely understandable as to why but, at the same time, hundreds were lost without knowing why. That was a sad, and unfair thought, and a move I didn’t entirely agree with. So, I can understand Flocke’s viewpoint here. However, as I stated above, IT WAS NO SECRET PEOPLE DIED ON MISSIONS. 

Which leads me to the second and final reason his speech pissed me off:

That statement right there made me want to strangle this dude because he just outright undermined Levi to a severe degree. Not just Levi but, his bond with Erwin as well. As if Erwin wasn’t important to Levi too. Like Levi didn’t threaten to break this mans legs to try and keep him alive. Plus, he undermined how hard it was for Levi to ultimately make the choice he made. He shat on all of that in one sentence, and to make it worse, he called the choice an irrational one when he point blank states just one panel above this that he doesn’t know Armin well at all. 

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF IT’S AN IRRATIONAL CHOICE IF YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW THE PERSON YOU’RE BITCHING ABOUT?! 

Ugh, anywayssssss, let me lower my salt intake here and get to the point. 

I understand why people would question Armin’s survival over Erwin’s. I get it. Erwin was The Fucking MAN™ . He got shit done. Changed things in the walls for the better. He was the man with a plan and someone who sacrificed everything he had to learn the truth of the world. This leads me to why I think Levi ended up ultimately choosing Armin. 

Let me start off with this panel here and then work my way up.

Some of Kenny’s parting words to Levi. These words played a massive factor in Levi’s final decision. 

Erwin’s main goal, his dream, was to learn the truth of the world. He wanted to know what was beyond the walls and where the titans came from, and he wanted to learn all of this for the sake of his father. His goal was a worthy one and I am sad that he did not get to see it through but, his dream would have ended in Shiganshina one way or another. Whether he died, or whether he saw the basement; that was as far as his dream reached as far as Levi was aware at the time. [

Then we have Armin. 

Armin’s dreams would start outside of the walls. They stretched far beyond one end goal and one thing to fight for, and his dreams were ones he wanted to share with close friends. Much like how Levi had a dream he wished to share with his close friends back in the day too. Armin wanted to see the world. To explore and learn everything their was to know about life and land outside of their walled prison. This was Armin’s reason for becoming a Scout. 

So here we have two different people with different goals. Both of which Levi cares about and doesn’t want to see die. Both could help humanity. Both were brilliant and extremely intelligent. So, why Armin and not the seasoned commander?

Levi’s last words to Erwin are for him to let that dream go and to trust him to carry it out instead. I’m sure that Erwin was full aware that Levi had every intention of saving him if it was at all possible but, even knowing the risk towards his own life; Erwin accepted Levi’s order’s full on and with a relieved smile. Thankful to not have to burden himself under the guilt of wanting to abandon his post as Commander simply to learn the truth. For no longer having the chance to consider betraying all of those that were lost for a selfish goal. 

In the end, Erwin was absolutely selfless. and rid of the desire plaguing his heart. He was at peace with the position he was in and chose to ride with his men into the fray. All because Levi took the burden of their lives onto his own shoulders - something he never does - and because he trusted Levi to succeed. 

So, after this is said and done, we are left with Levi having to make a choice and duking it out with Eren and Mikasa on a rooftop for who will get the serum. Levi seems entirely hell bent on saving Erwin but, I believe what shook his firm resolve was this moment right here:

Ironic that Flocke is so quick to shit talk Levi’s choice when his comment right here is most likely one of the reasons Levi ended up choosing Armin.

Levi’s expression says a million different things in this one panel. The idea of reviving Erwin as a titan, to still lead and sacrifice people for a goal that Levi isn’t even sure exists at all breaks his determination. As far as he could see, Erwin just wanted to learn the truth. What Erwin would do after that was a mystery, even to Erwin himself. So, would it have been fair, after choosing to take his burden from him, to bring him back into the hell they scrounged in? All so he could continue to live as a “demon” even after achieving what he set out to accomplish? 

Levi still seemed to think so to some degree. Though, his intensity on the subject wanes just a bit after Flocke’s comment here, and a lot more after what Eren had to say:

Eren speaks of the dreams Armin lives and fights for. The very same dreams Levi had overheard the young boy ranting and glowing about the night before. Armin had something left to fight for, Eren was sure of it. Levi was too because he saw it for himself. 

Would Erwin have something left to live and fight for once he cleared his goal? Once he saw what was inside that basement and finally learned the truth? 

Would he have something to be drunk on to keep him going?

Would he make Erwin remain a slave to his inner demons in the hopes that he could continue on torturing himself?

The answer was no. In the end, Levi chose to let Erwin have his peace. Just like Kenny chose to finally lay down his desires and trust them to Levi for the sake of peace with a smile, Erwin did exactly the same and thanked Levi for doing so. Instead of betraying that trust, and possibly breaking his friend in the process; Levi let the “Demon Commander” rest, and gave the boy with so many dreams left to live and fight for a chance at making his dreams a reality. Levi made his choice out of care, experience, and what knowledge he had. Just like he always does. At least that is my opinion on that matter. 

Thank you for the ask, anon. I hope this answer is satisfactory for you. I apologize for the length and the lack of a Read More but, for whatever reason, that feature isn’t working on my laptop right now TT_TT

Abusers can’t change for one big obvious reason: they would have to experience guilt in order to change. they would have to actually go through the pain of acknowledging that they’ve caused mountains of suffering and pain to others, that they’ve been selfish, lying, manipulative, cruel, despicable, sadistic, monstrous and horrible human being, that they’ve destroyed the ones who loved them the most, they’ve exploited and damaged the most vulnerable and defenseless people in their life, they’ve taken choice and well being from fellow human beings who did nothing to deserve it, and then on top of it they convinced those humans they did deserve it, and invalidated them on top of that so they would carry the pain of guilt as well.

Abusers will do literally anything to avoid carrying this heavy burden of guilt and shame, they don’t see anything they could gain from admitting fault and taking responsibility for their actions, they prefer having the victims carry that burden for them, because abusers are weak, they couldn’t even carry a burden they themselves created.

If abuser can’t even admit to him/herself they’ve done something wrong, if they refuse to experience guilt and insist they’ve been right and only pretend-apologize when it’s necessary to regain control of the victims, they have no way of changing. If they don’t truly feel remorse they will repeat the actions. Why wouldn’t they? They benefit from it! Changing, for them would mean giving up everything they’ve gained in their entire life, admitting it wasn’t theirs to gain in the first place, feeling the worst shame, guilt and remorse they could imagine, giving up any future benefits and having to change their life completely in hope of making up at least slightly for what they did,  even as they have no way of making up for it all. They would have to submit themselves to a life of pain, regret, self hatred, guilt and shame, all of which they caused by themselves. What abuser would ever submit to this? And for what reasons. To gain humanity? They already believe themselves to be above humans. To keep in good relations with their loved ones? They already proved they could completely destroy their loved ones without giving a shit and gain a lot in return, there never was any real relations with their “loved ones” they never even truly got to know those people, only the ways to control and harm them. 

An abuser will never ever allow him/herself to experience guilt and responsibility for their actions, they may act it out for a bit in order to get what they want but you can count on them to go back to their old ways because they don’t change. An abuser would only change thru the extreme pain of remorse and they will refuse to go thru with it, because all their lives they’ve been running away from pain, and they see no gain in experiencing any of it. And they are weak, they can’t even handle pain, unlike their victims, the burden would most likely crush them to death. They’re a person living off of sucking the life out of others, incapable of humanity, incapable of change, incapable of love, incapable of anything but demanding more and more and never having enough, and this is not something that can change or be reversed anymore. There’s nothing valuable in them anymore, they’re just an empty shell filled with knives, who paint themselves with kindness to lure as many people as possible to cut themselves.

Why are Bellamy and Clarke so afraid of love?

There’s an undeniable comparison to be drawn concerning Bellamy, Clarke and their individual approach to the notion of love. Bellamy blooms in the presence of affection. Clarke yearns for company and support; her lovers are her solace. Both require love to power through, and yet there is a noticeable absence of verbal clarity in their love. Why has Bellamy never told anybody that he loves them? Why does Clarke find herself blurting out her confession as her lover dies in her arms? What are they so afraid of? What does love mean for these two?

Both Bellamy and Clarke have been conditioned to perceive love as something extreme. To love somebody carries an incredible amount of weight – to cross over to that side in a relationship implies something drastic would have to happen. So first, let’s discuss what is the reasons behind their intense ideas of love.

Bellamy Blake: “I adore those who adore me first.”

It’s no secret that Bellamy is a lover at heart and has so many emotions he’s been conditioned to control and repress. His idea of love is one that is quite cyclical and paradoxical. I often describe Bellamy’s situation as a catch 22 of sorts: he loves people with such fervour that it burns, but he too needs love as a fuel for his own. So what comes first, the way he loves people or the way in which he is loved? And why is his love so strong? Well, his early attachment to Octavia is the source of his passion. Being that young and having a responsibility so heavy, Bellamy’s care and love and protectiveness had to be extreme. His idea of love amalgamates a fear of failure and, of course, overpowering sense of duty. Because Octavia was of paramount significance to Bellamy (all stemming from my sister, my responsibility), his idea of love was cemented as one in which this form of intrinsic protectiveness was required. 

This mantra he’s lived by is very matter-of-fact: basically, you don’t want to know what would happen if something bad were to happen to Octavia because she is your responsibility. That overwhelming idea would have frightened Bellamy so much, forcing a suffocating form of love that leaves no chance for anything bad to happen to Octavia. This was the first time he was given the duty of care and so, very early on, Bellamy’s conception of love was one much more amplified than anybody else’s. Bellamy was raised raising another. He was giving more than he was probably receiving at times. So where’s the love to fuel his own?

It’s anywhere he can find it. Think about it: the look on his face when Clarke told him she needed him, the way he acted when she ran to him and pulled him into a tight embrace, his reaction when Octavia told him ‘I love you, big brother’. He flourishes when he feels love because it’s just about the one emotion he exudes and yearns for in return; it’s the emotion he knows is geared towards him as a person rather than the skills he possesses. He feels when it’s there, and he gravitates towards it because it’s something he desires so badly. He adores those who adore him, and in the circumstance that he is put first, as a priority, it shakes him to the very core. But why does he not explicitly state his love?

Clarke Griffin: “Love is my solace.”

Clarke surrounds herself with love constantly, as it is the source of her liberation. Her will to survive pervades her identity at times and it’s so overwhelming for her. So she reaches out for support, for somebody who bleeds the same, or somebody who being around can free her of her worries. Being constantly singled out for the decisions she has made in the past to ensure the 100′s survival wears her down, it seems, and so the company she seeks is often through romantically and/or sexually-bound relationships. Because love is so paramount to her; because it elevates her in every way possible and gives her the strength to power through hardship…it carries a lot of weight. To love someone, that is. 

With Finn, it was almost as if he symbolised an escape for her. He was somebody she could be herself around, somebody who kindled within her a sense of passion and security, and he offered a companionship that she could not seek elsewhere, as the co-leader of her people. The fact that their most intimate scenes took place away from the dropship i.e. away from her duties only further shows this. With Lexa, Clarke found a kindred spirit and somebody she truly connected with. She saw they bled the same, they carried the same burdens, the same guilt, the same sorrows – Finn and Costia and their leadership roles being prime examples. Lexa was her guide, her lover, her oasis, her eye in the storm. She found inner peace when she was with Lexa. 

But we have observed the recurring pattern with Clarke and her love dying before her very eyes – to love someone is to kill them, she must think. Her idea of love, much like Bellamy, is heightened because of this. And so an important question to raise is: Why does she only confess at the very last moment?

What do love confessions mean to Bellamy and Clarke?

Conceptually, to both Bellamy and Clarke, love is a line they cannot uncross. The state they both remain in, regarding relationships, is one that does not verbally express affection. They show and don’t tell.

Bellamy and Clarke are absolutely terrified of the idea of mortality. With Bellamy, we know fear manifests wherever his love does. With Clarke, she directly associates her love with death. So to tell their loved ones ‘I love you’ psychologically reinforces the inevitability of death. Because of that inherent fear of failure in Bellamy’s love, and the automatic associating of love with mortality in Clarke…it would be in both Bellamy and Clarke’s nature to firmly hold this idea that love confessions are a time limit, love confessions are a reminder. To confess, to make it known to the world automatically endangers their loved one. It’s a psychological belief: it’s almost as if Bellamy and Clarke feel that if they keep their love for someone a secret from fate itself, it keeps these people immortal, and untouched by death.

Originally posted by iconicbellarke

Their mentality towards love is something along the lines of ‘I can’t let the world know. I can’t let fate know. Love kills, so if I never say it, I am not putting them in danger.’ To Bellamy and Clarke, confessions have a ring of finality to it that implies that Earth can take them away at any given moment, and they are so fearful of that, they push it to the back of their minds. They show their love through their actions, but never explicitly through their words because not only would that reinstate to the world and destiny itself that this person is irreplaceable so please don’t take them away from me, but it personally reminds both Bellamy and Clarke that one day, their loved one will depart from this world, and they will have no one. People who are special to them, time and time again on Earth, have been harshly taken away from them so they’re now incredibly protective over the last few they have left.

Originally posted by blyedeeks

When Clarke confesses, it sounds like a farewell. The last thing she ever told her father, Finn and Lexa was ‘I love you’. And she blurts it out, too, because there’s nothing left to do: fate got to them before her love could. Since Jake’s death, she’s grown to reaffirm her affection for her loved ones before they die, in hopes to lull them into their passing. To give them the comfort of knowing she always felt the same. With Jake and Finn it was gentle yet distressed, but with Lexa, something more interesting happens. She says it, breathlessly, but the desperate look on her face as Lexa departs gives it away: Clarke’s idea of love can sometimes be reversed, and she confesses in hopes that maybe she was wrong all this time, maybe her love was actually the key to their safety. Maybe if she confesses they won’t leave her, after all. But it’s a hopeless kind of belief, and even Clarke knows this.

And with Bellamy? Someone who has always had a fear of death, a fear of the unknown, the inevitable? Love is a force he cannot reckon with, and he’s battling between choosing to perceive mortality as a reason to confess or as a reason to avoid confessing. It’s a fight between hopelessness and relentlessness. (It also comes from his emotional repression, which I talk about here.) He knows deep down that time will run out, but at the same time, he struggles to unlearn the idea that announcing his love puts a death sentence on the person.

And together: To one another, Bellamy and Clarke will not accept the other’s mortality. While everyone else has left them, they are each other’s constants, and they have remained and survived through it all. They have this delusional mentality, particularly Clarke, that the other’s death is simply not a narrative existing in their universe. Likely crafted from the trauma of loss, they simply will not accept that their death is inevitable. Clarke is adamant that Bellamy will always come back to her (re 4x06: No, you will) because heaven knows what will happen if someone as dear to her as Bellamy were to die. The same occurs within Bellamy, to a certain extent. We saw it in 3x02 especially: when Clarke is in danger he will not stop until she is out of harm’s way because the idea of her death absolutely frightens him.

Originally posted by onyxwolfxx

Conclusively: resulting from their past experiences, both Bellamy and Clarke find immense difficulty in stating their love, in fear that it will rouse harsh fate itself – that if they were to confess they would be periling their loved one. Their fear of the end is what stops them from confessing, and they both, in the face of the apocalypse, have begun to try and unlearn this deeply-rooted mentality; that love does not equal death, but rather strength.

There’s this “Hierarchy of Abuse” in abusive families and environments, it’s like an unsaid law about who is allowed to hurt who, for example take the most dangerous, most terrifying parent, they’re allowed to abuse everyone in the family, to use any measure to dominate the field and have their way every time, and everyone else is to endure it and put their heads down and obey, and this kind of continual abuse is going to build up frustration and anger and family members won’t be able to keep that down for long, they can’t confront the main abuser or call them out because that’s too dangerous, too risky, they might end up punished even worse for daring to speak up, so they pick their targets, family members who are more unlikely to retaliate, the ones with less power, and take it out on them instead. 

That’s how you get a mother taking out abuse on her children, (or father, if mother is the main abuser) because if he is allowed to abuse her all he wants, then at least she should get to treat children any way she wants, since they’re lower in the hierarchy of power, they can’t defend or strike back, and she will feel safe to hurt them, she will even demand that they have to understand that she has it rough so they should at least let her take it out on them. She’s in that way “re-claiming” some power, in a twisted way because hurting a child does not give you power, it makes you a piece of shit. I’ve seen this turn around though, sometimes the children will be allowed in actual higher place in hierarchy and will get to abuse the mother! If the main abuser favours a child over the mother and supports the abuse of mother, the children will follow because they don’t want to end up the last in hierarchy and take the worst of the abuse. But the original structure is, one parent abuses another, sometimes children too, and the other parent gets to take it out on the children, and children then get to take it out on each other, older child on the younger, or sometimes it will be the reverse, if the main abuser favours a younger child it will actually get to beat and abuse the older one. 

This kind of “Abuse Hierarchy” will stay rooted inside of a child’s brain and the person will study every new environment to find their place in hierarchy, to figure out who they need to tolerate abuse from, and who they can hurt all they want because they can and will get away with it, that’s how you get bullies, violent children, and later, people who will fight to be at the highest possible position in hierarchy, at work and in society, merely to abuse that position and abuse and humiliate as many people as possible, they’re still living out their childhood, fighting to be the main abuser so they could control everyone and get their way every time, that’s what the hierarchy creates, a fight to always be on top, to always be the strongest abuser. 

And of course, there’s those who have always been on the last place in Abuse Hierarchy. The ones who took abuse from everyone else. They learned they have no worth and no sense except to take abuse from others. They blame themselves for being in the last place, as if it’s their fault they were born into a situation that destroys them slowly, for other’s benefit. They don’t want to be on the top, they don’t want to hurt anyone, because they know how bad it feels to be on the other side. They wont fight to abuse anyone. They try to help others, to do good, to deserve better. They’re not harmful, but they carry a heavy burden of guilt and shame that isn’t theirs to carry. They’re exploited so everyone else in the hierarchy would have it better. They’re taking all the frustrations, pain, insults, emotional abuse, psychological damage, even physical damage in their bodies and minds so that others wouldn’t have to carry it. They get destroyed. Nobody acknowledges it. They get no credit. They’re dehumanized. Their lives used to make everyone else’s lives easier.

Abusers would be nothing without the last ones in hierarchy. Abusers would never be able to feel superior, strong, powerful or great without having someone to humiliate and hurt. Abusers are empty, just a shell of a person, no worth or humanity inside, they think the ability to destroy what is good, to hurt and abuse what is good makes them powerful, that damage, rather than creation, makes them great. They’re not great. They’re nothing. They don’t do anything for this world. They’re a burden to society, their family, and the ones they force into the toxic hierarchy. They owe everything they are, and everything they have, to those they abused the most.

TalesFromTheFrontDesk: The second-closest I've come to fighting a guest

Around midnight, a tallish guy with a build on the larger side of small, with face tattoos and his hood up came to the desk and started laying out a tired old story: “My name’s Jason Anus. My wife and baby are up in room 99999. I went out for a smoke but I left my key in the room, blah blah blah.”
As I’m sure you’ve guessed (and in compliance with ancient tradition), his name wasn’t associated with the room in any way, so we had to get permission. After knocking, calling the room, and calling his wife’s cell phone to no avail, the guy goes “Just let me in the fuckin’ room.” Sorry Mr. Anus, rules are rules. You’ll just have to try again later.
This escalated to the point where he and I were standing in the hall several doors down from the room in question. He was shouting and swearing and trying to bully me into opening the room with my staff key.
After ten minutes of this, just when I was about to tell him he needed to leave the property and wait for her to call him, she opened the door. Great. I turned to walk away without a word of acknowledgment. He walked away as well, but just as he was entering the room I heard him announce loudly enough for everyone on the floor to hear “This fuckin faggot wouldn’t let me into the room.”
I could have kicked him out five minutes ago; I decided if I got even the slightest hint of trouble from him, I’d expel all three of them from the property. I turned around to tell him this and I saw him bounding up the hall at me.
Anus: “Put my name on the fuckin’ room! I better not have trouble getting into my room again!”
Me: “Actually, you’re about two seconds from getting, kicked out.”
Anus: “You can’t make us go anywhere, we’re not leaving.”
Me: [impersonation of him calling me a fucking faggot] “I’m at work, I don’t need to deal with half the bullshit I’ve dealt with from you.”
He took a step forward and got in my face and I noticed he’s actually a lot smaller than he seemed when I met him a few minutes ago, when I was sitting down. I didn’t shy away, and in a voice quiet enough for only him to hear, I told him to get away from my face. He leaned in even closer so we were nearly nose-to-nose; he told me to get the fuck out of his face. What? I didn’t budge and he leaned in closer. I still didn’t budge and he said “Get the fuck out of my face and go back to your little desk!” I was standing up straight with my shoulders back this whole time, so I know I wasn’t the one who was getting in anyone’s face. He touched his forehead to mine and I felt some of his sweat transfer to my forehead. It occurred to me he must have been a lot more excited than I was at that moment. He said something like “Where I’m from we’d mouth you for this.” Mouth me? I’ve never heard of that. I put my hand on his chest and applied light pressure to communicate my patience with his hostility had expired.
At that point, a proper shove was warranted; but I felt like I was right up against the line where if I didn’t exercise maximum restraint then I’d just cut loose completely and there’d be a fistfight on the second floor. He sort of weakly gave me a shove back, but didn’t get any closer to my face. The rage bubbled up but I stifled it and turned to address his wife. I took a step in her direction, but before I spoke he jumped forward and gave me a more violent shove back, but I caught his body with my hands and shoved him harder than before, a few steps back away from me toward his room, ordering him to keep his fucking hands off me. He said “That’s my fuckin’ wife in there don’t go in my fuckin’ room.” I ignored him and told her “I’m sorry I have to do this, but he can’t control himself so you all have to leave.” Her answer wasn’t “Stop it Jason you’re being an idiot,” she looked at me and said “No.”
Well great, I won’t feel burdened by guilt for throwing out the baby with the bathwater. I’m just throwing out a bunch of babies. The guy started receding into the room, so I felt the conflict had reached a stopping point. Sarcastically and with anger obvious in my voice I said “Have a good night.” and he said the same thing in the same way. The door slammed and I dialed local police dispatch while I strolled away, down the hall.
Since some of you might ask: I didn’t press charges. It would’ve been pointless and the situation didn’t escalate to a point where I felt I was in any danger. The kid was obviously just a punk barely out of his late teens. All he really deserved was a good punch in the face, but that’s against company policy.

By: thegovernment0usa

johnlocked-ianthony  asked:

Personal headcanon: the real reason John "has trust issues" Watson changed therapists was because Ella had seen him at his worst during the 2 year hiatus and it was obviously clear to her that John was(/is) in love with Sherlock. Of course Ella would try to make him see sense but he doesn't want that. He wants to have someone to blame. To push some of the burden of his own guilt on someone else. Ella would see through his shit and convince him that it wasn't fair to Sherlock. So he replaces her.

This makes an odd amount of sense, Lovely. John is running away from his own feelings AGAIN. Like CLEARLY Ella is still existing in this universe, why did John change therapists? This is a lovely headcanon and I am going with it.

anonymous asked:

(DAI) We know what the companions' greatest fears are thanks to the nightmare demon. But what do you think are their greatest desires?

Cassandra: Love. Not just romance, not just the flowers and the candles and the happily ever love. The familial and the agape. Cassandra wants the sort of meaningful, deep connections with people that she loves and that love her back. We see it in Inquisition, the beginning of those relationships, and it is something that she craves.

Solas: Forgiveness. More than vengeance, more than change, more that the reversal of every mistake or misstep. All of those have their places, but the driving desire of his every action is to be forgiven of the burden of guilt that he carries. He destroyed the Elvhen, shattered the realms of his people, and even though it’s not possible he wants to be forgiven. 

Varric: Varric’s desires are complicated because, at the end of the day, they are almost painfully simple and yet totally out of reach. He wants his friends, his tavern, his stories and the stories of others. He wants a happy ending even as he mourns the impossibility of it. 

Sera: Even more complicated than Varric Sera’s desires are not bound by one thing or even one person. At the end of the day she wants a world that is fair, that looks upon each person based on their merit, but also she wants a world where everyone has a fair chance. These two things are not compatible, and even as she strives for them she also desperately desires to be accepted. To be cherished for who she is, not what she can do.

Vivienne: Bastien. For such a powerful and politically motivated individual Madame de Fer’s deepest desire is painfully simple. She wants time with the man she loves, time that even her skill could not conjure.

Blackwall: Despite their differences Solas and Blackwall have strikingly similiar desires. But while Solas strives to claim the forgiveness that he desires, Thom Rainier has learned that true forgiveness can only be given, never taken. And Blackwall’s desire for forgiveness is twisted up with both a desire for penance and the deep need for absolution.

Dorian: Dorian’s desires are complicated in their own way, as they are tied up with both ends of the spectrum. He wants to change Tevinter- desperately wants to make it better- but at the same time wants with equal fervor to be accepted into the world of his boyhood as he is.  Dorian wants to be accepted and valued, even loved, for his own sake and in the realm that he grew up in and loves. But he also wants to change that realm for the better– thereby forever changing that boyhood dream. 

Iron Bull: Order. This is not to be mistaken for the Qun, or for an ordered life. Rather the Iron Bull wants a world where everything can be made into order. Into a sort of sense, but also one that needs work to get there. Like Koslun the Bull enjoys making order out of chaos, enjoys pulling the threads and seeing things fall into place– even if that place is the perfect arch of a well swung sword. It is not a peaceful life he want, not peace and quiet order, but rather a world that can be made sense of and from sense be ordered.

Cole: He wants to help people, but desires are hard for Cole because they are twisted up around other people. It is very likely that he has few or no desires of his own, and those that he does have make little sense to those around him. 


– Mod Fereldone

Believing it was your fault can be a desperate grasp on belief that you had control over what happened. That if you do things differently next time, you wont get hurt. That you can prevent it. So that you can go on and try harder to not get abused. Because how are you supposed to go on while being aware that you’re completely out of control and abuse is inevitable no matter what you do? How would you live while knowing that?
—  which burden is worse, guilt or helplessness?
Why does she need to die?

In terms of disagreeing with J/B as a canon romance, the position of “no romantic feelings on either side” is more difficult to comprehend, in terms of literary analysis.

(IOW: How much of the text from Jaime’s and Brienne’s chapters do you have to ignore, distort, or willfully explain away, to think there are no feels happening?)

But you know what bugs me a lot more?

It’s the position in which Brienne is in love with Jaime…and the most logical conclusion of her arc is to die to save him from Lady Stoneheart. Y'know, because she couldn’t save Renly, so dying for Jaime would make up for that. That grosses me out.

If you think Brienne’s scheduled for death because you just can’t imagine how a nice person can stay alive any longer than that in Westeros, well, I have some counter-arguments, but I see where you’re coming from, and I sympathize.

If the argument is that Brienne “should” die in the LSH conflict because her dying for the man she loves makes the best sense for where her story has already gone…that’s a whole other sort of wrong. That’s where I have a moral objection.

Any character in the ASOIAF universe who’s ever gotten to know Brienne would be perfectly unsurprised to find out she sacrificed her life to save someone dear to her. (The surprise, for most, would be that she cared that much about Jaime.) This is not a character who needs to experience a moral overhaul to be willing to die so someone else can live. She’s already at that position. Her conflict is not “Oh no I’m going to die, poor me!” It’s “Oh no, I haven’t rescued Sansa and I’ll let Jaime down and I can’t take care of Podrick if they kill me.” This is a girl who already thinks her life is only valuable to the extent that she can protect others. And why is that?

She’s a Westerosi noblewoman who’s used to being told she’s hideous. All her life, she’s been taught no one would ever love her except for her lands and titles, and she believes it. She’s still very young, and she’s completely resigned to the idea that romantic love is unavailable to her. Rather than accept a toxic marriage of convenience with some controlling old man who doesn’t understand how lucky he is to have her, she sets out to serve someone worthy of her loyalty. (Renly is a piece of shit, but starry-eyed teenage Brienne has only seen his nicer side, so there she goes.) She’s used to being roundly mocked whenever she tries to act like a lady, so she walks away from the pretty gowns and dancing and picks up a suit of armor and sword. She joined Renly’s army because she honestly believed that was the place where her life would have meaning and someone would appreciate her talents.

And here’s the thing: she beats herself up for not saving Renly, but really, she was a much better ally than he deserved. He had no business claiming the throne ahead of his brother, and he mocked Brienne behind her back. She would have died for him had it been possible to do so, but it’s a good thing she lived to tell about that shadow. She didn’t fail him. He failed her.

So now she’s carrying around the guilt of having failed to stop an act of magic that was specifically designed to be unstoppable by any human combatant, and also the guilt of having outlived Catelyn Stark, as if anyone could have saved her lady from an entire castle full of Freys and Boltons violating guest right. Was she supposed to have been in two or three places at once? Was she expected to know what nobody in the Stark-Tully force knew about Walder Frey and Roose Bolton’s arrangement with Tywin Lannister? Was she supposed to be unarmed, unarmored, and unprepared at that wedding feast, and still get her lady to safety? Was she supposed to know more about Arya Stark’s whereabouts than Catelyn or Robb knew by then? Should she have teleported down to the Red Keep before the Lannisters had a chance to force Sansa into marriage? And then teleport back up to the Twins before the Red Wedding? What exactly does this girl have to apologize for?

So now she has that burden of survivor’s guilt on one side, and Jaime’s friendship complete with priceless sword on the other side, both pushing her to bust her ass and lose her mind for her quest to look after Ned Stark’s daughter. I should note that she still hasn’t found Sansa in the book version. I think that girl would appreciate a protector who really doesn’t want anything from her except for the honor of being at her service. (For Sansa’s sake, it’s a good thing Brienne was far away from the Red Wedding, as she would have inevitably been part of the body count.) In Brienne’s mind, showing up for Sansa is as much about doing right by Jaime as helping the Starks. She’s conflated the two interests into one concern. “For her lady mother’s sake. And for yours.”

Now that she’s been captured by Zombie Catelyn and her goons, how is this a good time for her to die? She already thinks her life is worthless unless she’s protecting someone else; and no one will ever appreciate the joy of her company in life as opposed to the gift of her death; why does she need to be proven right? Why does the ugly butch girl need to die for the handsome rich man before she even gets a chance to rescue the pretty femme girl? Why does Jaime need to be the man she dies for?

Why can’t he be the man she lives for?

anonymous asked:

Hi again! The drabble you wrote for me about Robert watching Aaron sleep was brilliant and everything I hoped for!!! I was wondering if you could do another one if you have the time? I wasn't expecting much Robron from todays episode, but I was hoping for at least a conversation about them leaving. Like Robert making sure that Aaron would be ok missing counseling for a few weeks, and maybe Aaron pointing out not only can they see Liv, but also a honeymoon, anniversary and Rob's bday trip. Thanks

Anon, i’m sorry this took me almost as long as their honeymoon’s lasted to write this for you - but hope this is what you were after and you enjoy it as much as the last one :)

Robert stood in the doorway to their bedroom at the pub, watching his husband for the few precious moments before Aaron realised he was there. He was fiddling with the zip on his battered sports bag that Robert assumed he was intending to use as his suitcase.

He smirked at the ridiculousness that was his husband.

Honestly, the thing didn’t even have wheels.

He let his eyes linger for longer than was necessary – or not long enough, if you were asking Robert – his eyes travelling down the length of his husband’s body, biting down on his lip as his gaze rested on that arse. That arse.

He could stare at it for days.

Aaron stood at the end of their bed, oblivious to his audience of one in the doorway of their bedroom until he gave up wrestling with the broken zip and threw the bag down onto the floor in a rage, twisting around to reach for another rucksack on the top of his wardrobe and jumping half out of his skin at the lingering figure of his husband stood leaning against the doorframe.

“Fucks sake, Robert,” he berated him, with half a smirk on his face.

It would always be the best sort of surprise, after all, to find Robert stood in his bedroom doorway.

“What you doing staring you weirdo,” Aaron teased, circling around the bed to place a hand on Robert’s waist and kiss on his left cheek.

Robert couldn’t help the smile which appeared over his face involuntarily.

“I see suitcases,” Robert smiled, looking at Aaron with a glint in his eye.

“That you do,” Aaron confirmed with a smile.

“Does this mean what I think it means?”

“That I need a new suitcase?” Aaron asked playfully, eyebrows raised and lips upturned into a sarcastic smile.

“You spoke to your probation officer?” Robert corrected him with a half an eye-roll.

“Oh yeah, that,” Aaron reminded himself. “I called him, he said it’s not standard practice and usually I wouldn’t be able to leave the country until my probation time was up – “

“But…”

“But, I might have laid it on a bit thick about Sandra. Might have said she’s basically a mum to me – ”

“You fraud,” Robert teased.

“Yep,” Aaron smirked, “but it worked, and he said yes, as long as I keep in touch, so it looks we’re going on that honeymoon.”

Robert couldn’t resist it when Aaron gave him that smile that he had plastered over his face right now, leaning in and stealing a lingering kiss from his lips.

“You best get spending all that cash of yours then and book us some flights,” Aaron spoke into his kiss, eyes still closed as Robert’s nose rubbed lightly against his own.

He opened his eyes to find Robert looking back at him, a hint of something in his gaze that Aaron couldn’t quite decipher.

“What?” he asked gently, concerned all of a sudden by the shift in his husband’s demeanour.

Robert sighed, pulling back slightly but keeping his palms attached to Aaron’s elbows, fingers tickling along the hairs on his forearms gently.

“You’ll be missing your counselling,” Robert stated; a question in his statement somewhere.

Aaron didn’t reply, just dipped his head to focus on the floor at their feet as he sighed.

Robert leant forwards and kissed the top of his head instinctively.

“I don’t want to set you back, or –”

“Getting away from here won’t set me back, not at all,” Aaron interrupted, snapping his head back up to look Robert in the eye again as he continued with conviction. “I’m sat here worrying about Liv and my mum, and it’ll do me good to see them. I’m not ready to go back to work, yet, not really. I’ve got constant reminders here of the ways I’ve screwed up recently,”

Robert hoped the flicker of recognition he felt settle uncomfortably in the pit of his stomach wasn’t noticeable.

“I’ll start up my counselling as soon as we’re back, I promise,” Aaron continued. “It really helped when you came along with me last session,” he added quietly.

Robert smiled at him, ignoring the flicker of guilt lying low in his stomach about why he’d been late to that first session; the feeling a constant presence for him now, it seemed.

Still, he’d rather shoulder the burden of that guilt himself than have Aaron suffer through the pain of knowing what he did.

“Good, you know I’ll be there for all of them, if you need me to be,” Robert reassured him.

Aaron smiled; grateful in a way he didn’t have the words for.

He leant in and placed a kiss against Robert’s lips instead.

“Honestly, Rob,” Aaron added as he pulled away from the kiss, “spending a couple of weeks with you, having a proper honeymoon, seeing my mum, and Liv, and having nothing else to worry about for a few weeks – I can’t think of anything I need more than that right now.”

Robert sighed with something he thought felt like relief.

“I best go and book our honeymoon, then,” he smiled, reluctantly pulling away from his husband’s embrace.

“You do that,” Aaron smiled back, before adding, “and make sure we’re still there for your birthday, I’m not gonna let this one pass us by this year.”

Robert’s heart leapt into his chest; he’d never looked forward to a birthday so much before; never thought he’d relish turning 31.

“It’ll be our anniversary out there too, then,” Robert reminded him, greeted with a frown from his husband.

“I didn’t think you were meant to celebrate the months once you were married?” he questioned, amused.

“Not our wedding anniversary, you idiot. It’s almost been a year, hasn’t it? Since we got back together.”

Robert didn’t press it; knew the memory of that might have brought with it the memory of him and that trial for Aaron, but he was relieved to feel the playful shove against his shoulder as Aaron broke into a smile.

“Get booking, you big softie,” Aaron teased him, drawing a laugh out of his husband and enjoying the view as he walked away.

“Oh, Rob!” he called back down the stairs a few seconds later.

Robert was stood on the bottom step, looking back up at him when he reached the landing at the top of the stairs.

“Haven’t got a spare suitcase, have you?” Aaron grinned down at him, baring his teeth in a cheesy smile.

Robert rolled his eyes.

“I’ve only got one but it’s big enough to share. It’s under the bed on my side.”

“Thanks. I’m not taking much, anyway,” Aaron assured him.

“Well, it’s our honeymoon so I don’t plan on having you wearing many clothes, I’ll be honest.”

Robert offered Aaron a wink and a smirk as Aaron rolled his eyes and retreated back to their bedroom, unable to wipe the smirk from his face and the thought of Robert from his mind.

How Fitzsimmons can heal each other

So if they can get over this hump, it seems like there might be a happy ending in their future. But there’s still a lot in the mix, a lot of hurt feelings and a lot of pain. Whether or not they’re the ones who can help each other is a question we’ll have to answer next year…” Jed Whedon X

So before the finale aired, Jed said that both of Fitzsimmons are in a lot of pain, and we would find out next year if they will be the ones who are able to help each other recover. But then in this post-finale interview with EW, Jed says this about Fitz and Jemma:

If he’s ever going to get over it, she’s the only one who can help him. X

So in other words - yes. Jed has pretty much confirmed here that Fitz and Jemma are the only people who can help each other. And I’ve been thinking about this a lot and I’ve realised that he’s absolutely right. And it is giving me a lot of hope. Let me explain. Under the cut for length:

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