burden of guilt

abusers don’t want to carry the guilt for their own abuse you know? they wont do it. they let you know it hurts them and they don’t want to experience any of it, they don’t let you hold them guilty, they say the guilt is on you, they force you to take it, they drown you in the guilt and say it’s all your fault.

so you are the one who feels like a monster. you are the one feeling like you’re toxic and somehow a danger to the others, you are the one carrying the shame and the guilt as if you abused someone that badly, as if you caused for someone to abuse you. you are the one who gets self conscious over all of your actions and words, you feel like you’re the worst human alive, you feel like you deserve to be punished and abused for your crimes, you feel like you’ve done something wrong, like you need to be forgiven but nobody will give you forgiveness, you feel like there’s something inherently wrong and evil inside of you, like it can’t be helped because you are you. you end up feeling like the world would be a better place without you in it. you end up hiding and scared that you’ll be revealed for how horrible you really are. you end up feeling like you don’t deserve to exist.

that is what abuser should have been feeling. that is what they should have been carrying. that was forced on you. you haven’t done anything wrong. you’ve been forced to carry their emotional burden. that is what they should have been going through. forcing the victim to feel the guilt and shame of the abuser, forcing them to carry this burden on themselves, together with the burden of being betrayed and abused, that is actual torture.

and it’s devastating because you never got to be in love with yourself, you never got to experience how it feels to be human, free of guilt, free of thinking about yourself as a monster, free of burden and shame, free of self hatred, free of self consciousness and anxiety, free of fear and paranoia that you’re doing something wrong, free of feeling like you deserve to be punished, free of suicidal feelings, free to feel like you deserve being loved! because that’s what you deserved! you have done nothing wrong! you have done nothing to deserve the burden you’re carrying! it’s abuser who should be carrying it. it’s time for it to be returned to where it truly belongs. and that is not on your shoulders.

3

From Volume 11 Omake

Midoriya Inko (41 years old)

  • Birthday: July 4
  • Height: 160 cm
  • Likes: Izuku

Her husband is working abroad alone.

She brought up Izuku alone through mutual agreement. (correction)

She’s not very brave and has a shy personality.

Because of worry and guilt burdening her regarding Izuku, she became fat.


Bakugou Masaru (42 years old) (dad)
Bakugou Mitsuki (38 years old) (mom)

Dad:

  • Birthday: March 15
  • Height: 177 cm
  • Likes: Classical Music

Mom:

  • Birthday: December 1
  • Height: 170cm
  • Likes: Volleyball

Mom’s Quirk is “Glycerin”. Gives off a moisturizing effect, giving beautiful skin. Youthful.

Dad’s Quirk is “Oxidizing Sweat”. Produces acid from his palms that explodes. Unlike Ashido’s (Mina) that gives out a huge amount of liquids, this Quirk is sweat only. The explosions are made by clapping (added info) or rubbing both of his palms together.

There was also a time when his interest in becoming a Hero is not as strong as entering the design industry, so he chose that path. Met Mitsuki at work where he was fiercely approached by her first.


Jirou Kyoutoku (40 years old) (dad)
Jirou Mika (36 years old) (mom)

Dad:

  • Birthday: January 16
  • Height: 171 cm
  • Likes: Rock

Mom:

  • Birthday: February 16
  • Height: 159 cm
  • Likes: Punk

Ear tab jack” is the Mom’s Quirk. The “Jirou” surname is also from her. Taking the female’s surname for married couples in this universe is not uncommon.

The Dad, a musical composer, instantly fell in love with the Mom’s musical talents and so they got married.

Because the both of them had lived a life like that, they hope that a fulfilling life also comes to their daughter Kyouka.

Daughter, you can do it.


Edit: Thanks for the corrections, @lovemeteorstrike

Edit#2: Added Jirou family and removed reblog.

Believing it was your fault can be a desperate grasp on belief that you had control over what happened. That if you do things differently next time, you wont get hurt. That you can prevent it. So that you can go on and try harder to not get abused. Because how are you supposed to go on while being aware that you’re completely out of control and abuse is inevitable no matter what you do? How would you live while knowing that?
—  which burden is worse, guilt or helplessness?

johnlocked-ianthony  asked:

Personal headcanon: the real reason John "has trust issues" Watson changed therapists was because Ella had seen him at his worst during the 2 year hiatus and it was obviously clear to her that John was(/is) in love with Sherlock. Of course Ella would try to make him see sense but he doesn't want that. He wants to have someone to blame. To push some of the burden of his own guilt on someone else. Ella would see through his shit and convince him that it wasn't fair to Sherlock. So he replaces her.

This makes an odd amount of sense, Lovely. John is running away from his own feelings AGAIN. Like CLEARLY Ella is still existing in this universe, why did John change therapists? This is a lovely headcanon and I am going with it.

Abusers can’t change for one big obvious reason: they would have to experience guilt in order to change. they would have to actually go through the pain of acknowledging that they’ve caused mountains of suffering and pain to others, that they’ve been selfish, lying, manipulative, cruel, despicable, sadistic, monstrous and horrible human being, that they’ve destroyed the ones who loved them the most, they’ve exploited and damaged the most vulnerable and defenseless people in their life, they’ve taken choice and well being from fellow human beings who did nothing to deserve it, and then on top of it they convinced those humans they did deserve it, and invalidated them on top of that so they would carry the pain of guilt as well.

Abusers will do literally anything to avoid carrying this heavy burden of guilt and shame, they don’t see anything they could gain from admitting fault and taking responsibility for their actions, they prefer having the victims carry that burden for them, because abusers are weak, they couldn’t even carry a burden they themselves created.

If abuser can’t even admit to him/herself they’ve done something wrong, if they refuse to experience guilt and insist they’ve been right and only pretend-apologize when it’s necessary to regain control of the victims, they have no way of changing. If they don’t truly feel remorse they will repeat the actions. Why wouldn’t they? They benefit from it! Changing, for them would mean giving up everything they’ve gained in their entire life, admitting it wasn’t theirs to gain in the first place, feeling the worst shame, guilt and remorse they could imagine, giving up any future benefits and having to change their life completely in hope of making up at least slightly for what they did,  even as they have no way of making up for it all. They would have to submit themselves to a life of pain, regret, self hatred, guilt and shame, all of which they caused by themselves. What abuser would ever submit to this? And for what reasons. To gain humanity? They already believe themselves to be above humans. To keep in good relations with their loved ones? They already proved they could completely destroy their loved ones without giving a shit and gain a lot in return, there never was any real relations with their “loved ones” they never even truly got to know those people, only the ways to control and harm them. 

An abuser will never ever allow him/herself to experience guilt and responsibility for their actions, they may act it out for a bit in order to get what they want but you can count on them to go back to their old ways because they don’t change. An abuser would only change thru the extreme pain of remorse and they will refuse to go thru with it, because all their lives they’ve been running away from pain, and they see no gain in experiencing any of it. And they are weak, they can’t even handle pain, unlike their victims, the burden would most likely crush them to death. They’re a person living off of sucking the life out of others, incapable of humanity, incapable of change, incapable of love, incapable of anything but demanding more and more and never having enough, and this is not something that can change or be reversed anymore. There’s nothing valuable in them anymore, they’re just an empty shell filled with knives, who paint themselves with kindness to lure as many people as possible to cut themselves.

THE WORD FOR 10/2
By grace alone somehow I stand Where even angels fear to tread
Invited by redeeming love Before the throne of God above
He pulls me close with nail-scarred hands Into His everlasting arms
Boldly I approach Your throne
Blameless now I’m running home
By Your blood I come
Welcomed as Your own
Into the arms of majesty
This song is a beautiful reminder of what makes the gospel really GOOD NEWS!
The Gospel an invitation to live a life without the burden of condemnation and guilt. Christians, if they really understand Jesus, are the freest people possible. Through Jesus, God opened a door to healing, hope, and contentment.

  • what she says: i'm fine
  • what she means: Arno lost his father when he was a child and not only witnessed the murder of his adoptive father but was falsely accused for it, and after 2-months of suffering in prison he escaped only to discover that his careless mistake may have contributed to that murder, burdening him with crushing guilt and spurring him on a hopeless quest for redemption; the only Assassin he ever had any sort of bond with betrayed the Brotherhood forcing Arno to kill him; after years of dutiful service to the Brotherhood Arno was cast out as if his contributions meant nothing; and to top it off, he lost the love of his life to a hollow revenge plot, dude he did not even get to say goodbye to Elise HOW IS ANY OF THIS FAIR TRY TO TELL ME HOW IS THIS FAIR WHY MUST IT ALL HAPPEN TO SOMEONE AS SWEET-NATURED AND WONDERFUL AS ARNO HHOW D-DAER YOU UBISOFT I'M NOT CRYING YOU'RE CRYINGG
2

I was looking at the awesome gifset @bellamyblakegif made of 2.16 & I didn’t know how to reblog with the below one from 3.5 because I’m a total tumblr granny. So I took screenshots of both.

This is narrative proof that in the 3 months Clarke was gone Bellamy never actually got to process & grieve what happened at mount weather. He’s been stuck for three months because his co-leader left & “took” sole responsibility for MW because she thought she would “bear it so they don’t have too”

but in doing that, Bellamy’s trauma from participating in genocide was never validated, so he couldn’t process what happened healthily & his anguish only grew in her absence, & I believe that’s why in the fight in 3.5 he blames her. Because he’s not been “allowed” to share the burden which = the guilt & Trauma for MW.

This is what happened to him those 3 months. While everyone else moved on, grieved, processed, he was still exactly where he was in 2.16 mentally & emotionally he never left that control room. IMO this is why he cracked. He was stuck in a time loop until Clarke came back & he could verbally process that trauma with her. He needed to be able to hold her to her misdeeds as much as he needed to forgive her. Then he could process his misdeeds without feeling guilty for feeling guilty! And they could finally move on TOGETHER.

*takes deep breath, holds in tears*

@forgivenessishardforus @rosymamacita….@anyone comments?

We have been wandering about for aeons, in incarnation upon incarnation, going through the same experiences hundreds of times in this world of the treadmill; of eternal repetition, of eternal rising, shining, and fading. We have been seeking and wandering about for aeons with our unappeased desires, our passionate struggle, and our vain attempts to escape from the suffering caused by evil. For aeons we have been suffering the anguish of karma, of the burden of guilt that we create, and which we inflict upon ourselves by our dark way of life. For aeons we have been enduring the suffering of ignorance, the suffering of separateness, the fear on account of our distress of life, the horrors of hate and struggle and crime, the fruit of our passion for self-preservation and of our selfishness, our inner misery and our delusions.

I’ve seen a lot of posts and tweets about how unfair it is that Cas set Lucifer free but Sam is taking on some of the blame. Sam is doing this because that’s who he is. Sam knows what it feels like to be burdened by massive guilt and be blamed for his mistakes. He’s offering to share the blame for setting Lucifer free even though he said “No,” because he doesn’t want Cas to shoulder the blame alone. He knows what that feels like and doesn’t want his friend to go through it. He’s being supportive, the way he wishes others would be supportive of him.

my (exasperated) followers know that i’ve been binging on riz ahmed of late and a thing he talks about often is the stereotypes he’s expected to play–either straight or in order to subvert them and how there’s the stage where he’s cast just as another dude whose religion or ethnicity don’t factor in majorly. i don’t know if he’s said if bodhi rook falls into that final category, but somehow i don’t think he entirely does. bodhi, after all, was a native of jedha: a place of deep spiritual value in the galaxy and designed in a very distinct hollywood’s-version-of-the-middle-east way. 

there’s something deeply tragic about bodhi’s heroism–he doesn’t really belong in the empire and he finds that he’s not really accepted in the rebellion, either. he got into the business of carting around things for the empire to make a living, and it’s sad to me that he had such a disproportionate burden of guilt–guilt large enough to encompass every injustice the empire has meted out to the galaxy at large and jedha in particular–and that he had to carry it alone almost to the very end. 

he lost his home, defected from the empire, mistrusted by saw and his rebels, without a close friend even in the rogue one crew… in a packed, chaotic film that struggled to give its characters breathing space, the weird tentacle interrogation/torture that bodhi underwent seems extraneous plot-wise, especially considering that it’s never brought up again. but it drove home the quiet tragedy that was bodhi’s arc–his struggle to identify and belong after being displaced (first by the imperial invasion, then by galen’s mission, then by… simply having no home to go to anymore) and not really succeeding. i’m the pilot, he says, and he dies alone on a stolen ship, with barely a second to acknowledge to himself, oh. this is it.

so eventually, ahmed has played (very affectingly) a character caught between two worlds and not really belonging in either of them despite his best efforts, his connections to home untethered and his best intentions fraying at the edges. sounds just a little bit familiar.

Every time I come across this line in Trespasser:

Inquisitor: You gave your orb to Corypheus?
Solas: Not directly. My agents allowed the Venatori to locate it.

I’m always amused, and saddened, by how defensive it seems. It’s like asking someone if they set a barn on fire and they answered “Not directly. I merely dropped a match in the trail of gasoline that happened to lead to the barn.”

Burdened by guilt as he is, this reasoning is no doubt one way of coping with what he did. It is fascinating how it comes through even in a conversation like this– one where he’s bluntly matter-of-fact and emotionally detached, or tries to be.

anonymous asked:

Hello dear, first, let me say i love your analysis. Second, Yams stated time ago that Levi and Erwin are basically very similar. For example, Erwin has always seen himself as a "villain" who showed at the end that this was wrong so... is it possible that Levi's future development will focus on him wondering if he's really the hero Yams introduced at the beginning of the story? I noticed he's starting to deny himself everything (he didn't enjoy the sea), like Erwin did.

I think there’s some truth in what you say.  There are a lot or parallels between how Erwin and Levi see themselves and how they are viewed by others. Erwin clearly carried a huge burden of guilt and saw himself as a con-artist who had deceived his friends and sacrificed his soldiers for his own delusions.  Levi on the other hand professes not to be “fine with being the lunatic who kills people”. 

Erwin is clearly the most unreliable of unreliable narrators by the end of his arc as he is blinded by depression and despair.  But I think Levi is a pretty unreliable narrator too.  I can believe that he doesn’t care what people think of him, but I don’t believe he doesn’t care at all.  Levi is not a sadist, he is not a blind killer, he is one of the most compassionate characters in the whole series and I can’t believe that killing doesn’t take a toll on him.

To be honest I struggle with the idea of Levi being the Hero; I don’t think that’s what he ever wanted.  It’s Kenny that accuses Levi of being drunk on being a Hero, but I’m not entirely sure that’s true. Sure he’s Humanity’s Strongest but I don’t believe he ever sought out that glory.  Levi is not driven by fame or glory, he’s not driven by ego or lust for power, what drives Levi is his bond to his liege. He is willing to be Humanity’s Strongest, the Hero, the lunatic killer, whatever takes to help Erwin achieve his goal. A goal that Erwin thinks he has conned people into believing in. They’re quite the pair aren’t they?

I have no idea how the rest of Levi’s character arc will develop. The only thing I can predict about Yams plot development is that he will continue to be entirely unpredictable. He has been pretty consistent in his characterization though, however I can’t help wondering if he has something up his sleeve that will result in Levi “betraying” Humanity.  Although to some extent he has already done that; when Levi chose to allow Erwin to die, he wasn’t acting in Humanity’s best interests, he was acting in Erwin’s. Humanity’s Strongest chose to allow Humanity’s flame of hope to be extinguished because he couldn’t bear him suffering the hell of the world any longer.  That’s pretty fucking tragic however you look at it. 

Anyway I should probably stop there, because I’m rambling now.

 One last thing though, Levi’s disinterest in the ocean didn’t really surprise me. The ocean was never his dream, and without Erwin there to witness it, it must have felt like a hollow victory at best.

I hope my loved ones never learn
that I am only here
because I couldn’t bare
to leave them with the burden
that would be the guilt
of knowing that they couldn’t save me.
Just know
that every breath is torture…
but I do it all for you.