Sometimes, I really just wish I could just shut off my mind. It's a costant whirlwind of doubt, regret, hatred, sorrow, dread, and many other emotions, half of which I can't even identify. He's gone. It was 9 years ago. Yet, I think about him everyday. Regret losing him. Regret not stopping it all for happening. I will never forget that day. I dream about it every night. His sobs. The gun. The exact words he said to me, before turning the gun to himself. All burned into my memory, playing on repeat. A neverending cycle. I could have stopped it. I should have stopped the bullying before it got to the point when he thought that was his only way out. I shouldn't have jumped at him and tried to take the gun the way I did. And I layed there, motionless, wordless, limp, as he spoke to me, telling me how sorry he was. Hugging me. Sobbing against me. I could have stopped it all from happening. And now, he's gone, and Im still here. It should have been me. I love you Jay, and I miss you.