buckaroos!

Imagine: Annoying Bucky by placing magnets on his metal arm.

You sat next to Bucky the Winter Soldier in the Avengers Tower, he was flipping through todays newspaper, not paying attention to his surroundings; why would he? You wouldn’t do anything to annoy or harm him, so he thought.

You lightly placed a rose magent on his metal arm, you did it ever so carefully, making sure to make not a sound. You glanced at him, his eyes gazed at the writing, reading todays events. You placed one that was a gift from Tony when he went to Japan, it was bigger and it made a clank sound, you winced at the sound. Lifting your eyes to Bucky who just glared and pulled them off and went back to reading.

You should have stopped but you had more, this reminded you of the game buckaroo and it made sense in your mind buckyaroo you had named this game: he could kill you but you figured he enjoyed your company too much, since he gravitated to you a lot. Placing a small American flag on, you concentrated on not making any noise, flinching whenever his human hand moved to flip his paper.

Thirteen magents later, Bucky closed the paper and turned to you, you were mid placing a puppy magnet on his arm and looked at his narrowed eyes with big innocent puppy eyes. He sighed.

“Place one more on my arm and I will get Tony to change the Netflix password” he stated, you frowned and placed the magent down gingerly, but grinned at the brooding soldier.

“I just beat my record, thirteen” you muttered and you glared but a ghost of a small smile was on his face, he knew he wasn’t safe around anyone in this Tower. Request preferences and imagines.

I made a thing…. there were four police cars waiting for us on the other end of this corner lol. 1st time out streeting in months and busted within 3 minutes. 7 cars, one without insurance, 3 caught red handed, all worthy of vehicle inspections… and aside from an $81 ‘failure to display insurance ticket’ (should have been a ticket for driving without insurance, $400-600) got off scott free. They were making fun of us, asking “You guys don’t have police scanners? the app is free! We were trying to talk to you guys to get going out of here! We followed the tire squeals, we tried to pretend it was just the wind…” For getting caught red-handed, those were the raddest police officers I’ve ever encountered. The one ghost car lit them up as he left. Champions. Pretty sure we used up our horseshoes for 2013. 

All of Jeff Goldblum’s roles are the same character.

In 1978, Jack Bellicec was a struggling writer and bathhouse owner. In that year he had his first encounter with alien life when he was abducted and replaced with an alien double.

In 1981, the alien double, calling himself Dr. Aldo Gehring, used his knowledge of advanced alien tech to help develop an artificial human heart. In 1983, still posing as human, the alien met with some of Bellicec’s former college friends. Convincing them he had become a journalist, he awkwardly attempted to imitate human behavior. In 1985, still working as a journalist, the Bellicec double co-investigated a castle in the Balkans, searching for evidence of human experiments in engineering life that the extraterrestrial feared might threaten the still-ongoing alien invasion plans.

By 1984, the double was living in Columbia, where he began practicing neurosurgery under the name Dr. Sidney Zweibel, using this occupation as a cover for experimenting on human brains. In this role, he would become an associate of Dr. Buckaroo Bonzai, and he would aid Bonzai in thwarting an invasion by a rival alien species known as the Red Lectroids.

In 1986, the alien’s interest in experimental science would take a disastrous turn when he accidentally combined his DNA with an earth insect and began a gradual mutation into a creature no longer capable of imitating human appearance. Dismayed, he fled back into outer space.

In 1988, however, unwilling now to leave Earth for long, the alien would return with two others of his kind. In his time away from Earth he had mutated further, his insectoid bristles having become blue fur, but this was readily shaved off and his masquerade as a human would resume. He soon left Earth again, however, this time with a human woman called Valerie.

As with most of his attempts at interspecies romance (including a relationship with a neurotic man named Bob), the alien’s relationship with Valerie did not last long. Depressed, he allowed himself to mutate again and, calling himself Verminous Skumm, he attempted to invade Earth with an army of rats and dangerous narcotics only to be thwarted by the Earth-based superhero Captain Planet. Abandoning his Skumm identity but still dealing narcotics against his human foes, the alien’s ambitions were thwarted by a human police officer named Russel Stevens Jr., who left him for dead after a failed arrest.

The alien’s inhuman metabolism allowed him to recover, however, and soon he was once again posing as a human scientist, this time as a “chaos mathematician” named Dr. Ian Malcolm. It was only his alien healing capacity that allowed him to survive an attack by cloned dinosaurs, a foe he would later tangle with a second time.

First, however, he would mentor a young human with dangerous psychic powers. He manipulated the human into destroying himself rather than risk humanity becoming too powerful.

In 1996 another alien race invaded Earth, this one with an entire fleet with weapons more deadly than any he had previously faced, including his own (his own species’ colonization attempts since 1978 were much less successful than initially anticipated—the 1993 colonization wave barely made a ripple after trucks full of pods were destroyed by rockets). The alien was, however, familiar with the invader’s technology and was able to create a virus on an advanced computer that he jokingly called a “Mac” after the pseudonym he had used while dating Valerie. The virus destroyed the alien fleet, leaving Earth once again safe to be invaded by the alien’s own people.

By 2004, after a second expedition to the island of cloned dinosaurs, the alien spent much of his time exploring Earth’s oceans, a capacity in which he earned the rivalry of the oceanographer Steve Zissou.

In 2007, a final attempt by the alien’s race to colonize the Earth ended with the creation of a vaccine that transformed alien doubles into their previously human forms. Whether Bellicec has reawoken as his human self, and whether he retained any memory of the preceding decades is unclear. There is a possibility that, having grown fond of the Earth over the years, the Bellicec alien helped develop the vaccine himself.

UNJUSTLY MALIGNED #17: The “BUCKAROO BANZAI” novelization (!) with David Loehr

Cult classic BUCKAROO BANZAI is… well, let’s be honest, it’s not great. 

But it’s even worse if you’ve read the novelization — by the same writer! — because it actually explains everything that’s missing from the movie. Playwright and author David Loehr laments what could, and maybe should, have been…

LISTEN HERE: ump.fm/17