I mistype sometimes. It
happens. When I discover it, I own it. And I’m going to tell you why… and maybe cast some light on why
other mistypes happen.
Sensor Bias: Sensors can become adept typists, but they must first learn the
details of typology and then access their intuition, in order to recognize the
bigger picture in addition to the details. Sensors sometimes mistype characters
by focusing too much on minor details that are inconsistent with the big
Intuitive Bias: Intuitives can become adept typists, but they must first learn the
theory of typology in detail, rather than skim-read a handful of descriptions
and then use their “intuition” to assume they know theory better than they do;
often, intuitives rush to start typing characters, but lack the study /
knowledge to be accurate. The Ni’s “fill in the gaps” with their OWN
theories on typology (or their impression of the functions), and neglect
information that counter-acts their wrong perception (low Se); Ne’s can lose touch with
their knowledge, or fill in the blanks with abstraction projections that are
not realistic to the character (low Si). They neglect
Some things that cause character mistypes:
Preconceptions: You find what you are looking for. If you go in looking for
an intuitive, you can read intuition where it does not exist. This is how a lot
of ESFP characters wind up mistyped as ENFPs. What you seek, you shall find.
Rapid First Impressions: You see a character, they act a certain way,
you assume they are a type other than they are, and ignore subsequent
evidence to the contrary, since you’re viewing them through a type lens and
ignoring any contradictory evidence. This perception may even be based on a
stereotype: oh, they are flighty and fall in love with two men at once and buck
the system and say they don’t care what people think! ESFP! … and yet she goes on to talk in depth about her feelings
to everyone and isn’t really that radical with the environment (Se) so much as
she pursues external ideas (Ne). ESFJ. Oops.
Carried Over Assumptions: Or as I fondly call it, sheer laziness. This
character was an ENTJ in the original, he’s an ENTJ here! Except he’s an ESFP
this time, since the writers are new and reinvented him. Woops!
Typing From Memory: This works for sensors with a sharp memory for
details and a complete knowledge of typology; for high Ne’s? Nope. Bad idea.
Your detail retention is BAD. Your intuition is HIGH. You will not remember the
character accurately, you will read into their motives, you will twist them to
suit the type, instead of basing the type on the character. (Learned this the
hard way. Boo. Hiss.) Wanna get it right? Revisit the character. Reread the
book. Watch the movie. Hit the strongest episodes. Forget the type you assumed they were. Go in with an open mind.
Assuming They’re an Intuitive: If you are typing every single character an
intuitive, or five out of seven characters an intuitive, you’re probably
mistyping a lot of characters. Learn the value of sensors. Learn how sensors
work. Look for sensors. In fact, assume everyone is a sensor until their
intuition slaps you so hard across the face, your neck cracks.
Lack of Comparisons: Establish a solid baseline character for each type that you use for comparisons. When you are stuck, ask yourself, does this character think in the same way as the baseline character? If not, try a different type. Do a different comparison.
You were wrong. That’s life. The fact that you changed your mind means you’ve
learned more than you knew before. You’re better this time. Don’t dismiss
people’s arguments out of hand; listen to them. Learn from them. They see something
you do not. They may be wrong. They may be right. But read every contradictory
argument. Debate type. Consult others you respect if you’re stuck. This is a
learning experience. And it takes time.
A Post About A Time You Were Deeply Offended And Did Something About It
Ok ok ok I’ve fallen off the get weird in July wagon but lemme tell you a lil about high school Myndi
I worked on the newspaper staff because of course I did
And I did an opinion piece titled “School Spirit and Why it Sucks”
Mainly in response to a locker banner the football players had on their lockers stating that their enemies were “sissy” showing a guy in a football uniform with a limp wrist wearing a bow.
Basically, at the time it read as “Our opponents are GAY” (now, I’d include something about gender nonconformity…) so this was 2002. Not that long ago, but long enough.
Anyway I wrote this whole piece about how there’s a culture of violence and hypocrisy in our sports teams and why the fuck should we support such things.
Boy, did it cause an uproar in my white, straight, rural town culture.
I got a ton of attention for the article and while there were people talking shit and threatening to slash my tires, more people were high five-ing me and saying thank you for saying something and you’re awesome.
The funniest thing is I had a lot of old school jock friends I’d known my whole life. And even they had to give me props the piece was well written. Even the faculty had to give me props despite my vocal bucking of the their system.
Introverted Intuition (Ni): Katherine
excels in seeing what isn’t there; her extraordinary ability to fill in the
blanks, even with information she doesn’t have access to, enables her as a
child to skip entire grades and progress through high school ahead of her
peers. Inside NASA, she determines what’s going on with the shuttle even though
half the information she has access to is blacked out. Katharine comes up with
complex mathematical algorithms in her head, and is good enough at it that the
astronauts themselves request her presence on the safety board (if she came up
with it, it’s brilliant).
Extroverted Thinking (Te): She
works within whatever system exists, and can explain herself easily; she can
write out math so that others can read and follow it, aimed at a clear
objective, with the purpose of making space exploration easier and safer for
the astronauts. Katherine doesn’t really buck the system much; she believes in
staying within the “rules” of society, even to the point where she exhausts
herself in finding a “colored woman’s bathroom” while working in a building
without such felicities. She is straightforward in answering questions and
makes logical observations; she understands the “hierarchy” she’s in even if
she doesn’t like it.
Introverted Feeling (Fi): Her
emotions are intense, but only reveal themselves under stress – after a
particularly exhausting day, she lets loose on her coworkers about her having
to run half a mile (one way) to relieve herself, while being expected to turn
in her work within minutes. Katherine respects only those who earn her approval
or respect, through being hard-working and sincere. She cares so much about her
job, she excels in it.
Extroverted Sensing (Se): Unlike
Mary, Katherine believes in being careful; she observes that next time, she’s
going to take the bus rather than ride with her friend, who is literally riding
a cop’s bumper. Katherine doesn’t think on her feet often, but is observant
enough to improvise on the fly when it becomes necessary.
When one of your teammates complicates a simple mission, he ends up only making it worse for himself.
pairing: Bucky x Reader, Steve x Reader (Platonic) word count: 1606 warning: None, one cuss word I guess. Just fluffy humour a/n: I honestly live for writing silly and sarcastic stories lol. This was just really fun and I hope you all like it!!
It was supposed to be a simple snatch and grab mission. It was supposed to take no longer than thirty minutes, tops. It was not supposed to turn into the shit show that it so eloquently had become. You were definitely going to destroy that little patriotic prick.
The building you were infiltrating appeared long abandoned, but what it lacked in cleanliness it more than made up for in annoying hidden triggers. You and Steve were inside heading towards the mainframe to access the data point while Sam and Bucky patrolled the outer grounds. Everything was going fine until Dumb-Dumb Rogers triggered a silent alarm, quickly setting forth all-out chaos. Red lights began flashing brightly and obnoxiously while a siren wailed throughout the building.
“Dammit Steve, you big Dorito! What the hell did you do?!” you cried out over the assault of lights and sounds, resisting the urge the smack the big blonde bozo.
Have I Made You Uncomfortable? (Bucky x Reader) Part 6
Summary: It’s no secret that Y/N and Bucky don’t get along. Everyone knows it, they know it, and everything is very clear. That is, until a certain encounter in the library starts a small ripple in the otherwise fairly still surface.
way, we need to arrest him and his puppets, release the hostages, and
deactivate the carrier system. Y/N, you’ve been watching the building, any
suggestions?” Steve asked, and you furrowed your brows in concentration. You
took another bite of your burger and started flicking the hologram around, circling
it as you chewed. You swallowed loudly before sighing.
“Well, the building in itself isn’t the
problem, Steve. They have people everywhere. Since this is a threefold mission,
we need to split up. I suggest… Who’s available for this?” you asked, eyes
still focused on the hologram in front of you.
“Myself, Buck, you, and Barton.” You hummed
“Four people doesn’t seem like enough for
this mission. Are you sure there’s no one else we can bring in?” you asked,
glancing at him.
i knew an alcoholic, functional at fourteen,
swishing away his mother’s death in a fifth for breakfast
while i filled my water bottle half with whiskey
and sipped it on the steps before class.
the worst thing you could be was a lightweight; perhaps that meant you didn’t have enough pain to carry.
theft, petty five-fingered discounts:
i knew girls not hurting for money
who’d pick up small gifts for their friends
if it’s the thought that counts then what means more
than “i risked trouble for you over a pen?”
when your parents drive suvs and all you hear is pressure
about your college plans, maybe it’s not death to want
to buck the system. meanwhile, my baby sister
was stealing corner store sweets for food.
trespass, breaking and entering:
better to be where you shouldn’t
when you’re not allowed anywhere else
than find yourself trespassed against,
choked in small spaces, left to pick your way
through cities broken in bricks and glass
wastelands of our parents’ making
placing blame on our backs like saddles;
who doesn’t want room to breathe?
fighting, and other disorderly conduct:
fists in ribs don’t get there by themselves
i wonder how many times i’ve been hit
by someone who knows how to bleed
how often the only thing that feels good
is letting blood scream and body think
for itself, when freedom can only be found
in slicing open someone else’s;
if the choice is even yours.
fake i.d. and other lies:
army and air force accost kids in the street,
tell me i’m old enough to fight in wars
i did not choose, join blood shed not in my name;
let me buy cigarettes to line pockets of businesses
(and sanctimonious government hypocrites);
let me fuck and marry but still withhold
an adult minimum wage, and tell me i’m too
immature to vote or drink? fuck you.
if i need a card-shaped lie to pass as human
you can cram the truth up your ass;
what’s fake in this unfinished identity
when we’re not even sure who we are yet?
we were all lawbreakers, avoiders of rules simply because each “yes” and each “no” was intended for fools. why respect what doesn’t respect you? why let idiots dictate what you do?
we were young and immortal and only half wrong; the crimes we swallowed in our youth are crimes that are still going on.
Status: Complete Word Count: 3.5K Category: One-shot, Behind-the-scenes Canon-Compliant, Family Rating: Teen & Up Character(s): References to familiar people/places Pairing(s): N/A Warnings: Bit o’ sassy language of the four-letter variety, if you’re of a pearl-clutching nature Author’s Note(s):
While this little vignette can be read as a stand-a-lone, highly recommend you check out “Hello, I’m Gone” if you haven’t already. If you’ve already read that one and found something to like about it, then I suspect you’ll find something to enjoy in this one, too. Overall Summary: A long-time client gives a contractor his final assignment.
THE LAST JOB
The sky was different in Texas. He couldn’t speak to Arizona or Colorado or Nevada, or even Mexico, but he knew what he knew. It was something about the way the sun cut through, something about the tint of the blue.
He traveled, albeit limited distances and for limited amounts of time. Texas was a big state, though not so big as to be gone long enough for his wife to fret. His work was no-nonsense and he was extra appreciated amongst his current clientele for his frugality, his efficiency.
They’d initially claimed to have no care for messy versus clean, but he knew better. They’d rather keep unknown, to where few a souls on earth as possible would even suspect they existed. Everything worked better for them this way; seemed they had no desire to be summoned all over the globe.
I have seen some very compelling arguments for Slytherin Violet especially since Slytherins can value intellect, but either way the post was lovely!
Hi! Slytherin mod Tory here. In that post I did mention this generally under the cut, but my rationale for Ravenclaw over Slytherin for Violet are three big factors –
Violet, like her siblings, uses largely academic knowledge as a source of information – facts and such that can be measured and found in books. Slytherin’s intelligence is much more common-sense-oriented – the sort you’d find in the working world, the things you’d observe in human behavior. (Basically, emotional intelligence, like the sort Count Olaf has.)
Violet does not listen to her heart or instincts for her code of honor. She follows the rules and laws until she is finally forced by circumstance not to (because she and her siblings have been framed for murder), and even then she and her siblings try to follow the good VFD’s code, until that likewise proves not to be prudent. There is no “disregard for the rules” to be seen in Violet – she is clearly Lawful Good.
Violet, although she shows both resourcefulness and determination, shows no evidence of valuing ambition. She shows evidence of valuing her core interest (inventing). She shows evidence of valuing Ravenclaw’s values of intelligence, wisdom, and achievement. Yes, she does value her inner-circle (her siblings) like a Slytherin might, but not at the expense of everything else. As I said before, she does still try to stay within the law and rules as long as she possibly can. She is pacifistic to the extent that she will stay within the boundaries given to her and her siblings – which Ravenclaws will do, if they think it is the most prudent and logical course of action. (Ex. Marietta Edgecombe and Cho Chang.) Slytherins are more likely to try to buck the system to get what they want.
I do think Violet has some Slytherin leanings, just like Klaus has some Gryffindor leanings (who knows, maybe Sunny will grow up and show off some Hufflepuff leanings, and then we’ll have a proper trio??), but otherwise I will stand by my and Ravenclaw Mod Tori’s original Sorting of Violet as Ravenclaw.
Some of the concepts and the lexicon introduced by the women’s movement remain modish, however: We are still encouraged by fashion and media and Hollywood and each other to be “strong women.” “Liberation” and “empowerment” are still buzzwords, but they once referred to bucking the system, going on strike against submission, adopting a brazen, braless, unshaven, untrammeled approach to life. These terms have since been drained of meaning. Instead of hairy legs, we have waxed vaginas; the free-flying natural woman boobs of yore have been hoisted with push-up bras or “enhanced” into taut plastic orbs that stand perpetually at attention. What has moved into feminism’s place as the most pervasive phenomenon in American womanhood is an almost opposite style, attitude, and set of principles.
Ariel Levy, Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture, 2006
Was it on purpose that you made Harvey's Grandma Miley a judge? Considering how much of a delinquent Miriam was back in the day?
Yup. I wanted her to rebel against her parents. She’s not really that much of a delinquent, but she wanted to see herself as one. I think that’s why she ended up as a librarian. It’s not actually in her nature to totally buck the system. We had tried writing a story about her and her mom where they get into a spat and her mom sentences her to jail as punishment. But we couldn’t get it quite right. I wish we had time to explore more of their relationship.
I rewatched the episode. I have some non-wanky thoughts/observations, if anyone’s interested.
(This does not mean I don’t have wanky thoughts about the episode. I got plenty. I’m just not talking about them here.)
Crowley’s speech to Lucifer about hubris: either ironic or all part of the plan?
I don’t think this exactly is what Crowley WANTED to happen, but I’m fairly certain he has a contingency plan beyond “ooh hey convenient rat”.Also, what exactly is/was Crowley’s endgame with Lucifer? Like, I still really don’t get it.
Both Toni and Crowley said they didn’t know who Eileen is. Even freaking Fakeo Malfoy Eric Trump knew her as “the banshee girl.”
Either they’re both lying, which is possible.
Either Toni’s lying (possible, especially considering in that same conversation she threw herself under the bus just to piss of Dean and Sam re: Ketch saying Mary’s the best sex he’s ever had) and Crowley is clueless (possible – it’s not like he’s met her and he and Sam aren’t besties).
Either Toni’s telling the truth (possible, considering how many gaps in her/the BMoL’s knowledge we’ve already seen) and Crowley is lying (possible, because who knows what Crowley’s true game plan is).
Either they’re both telling the truth (see previous reasons) – this could also be an indication that a lot of Toni’s sources for her senior thesis on the Winchesters are demon/Crowley sources, which would explain a lot.
Toni calling Mary’s brainwashing “repeal and replace” – aka. the same language we hear a lot in the good ol’ US of A re: healthcare. As if we didn’t need more evidence the BMoL and 45 are evil.
The fight scene in the Bunker was pretty cool.
Glad that someone finally told Mary that John basically abused his kids. I want more of this, and I’m curious to see how this plays out in the finale.
Competition vs. collaboration
I talked in my review of 12x14 about how the BMoL fail because they can’t go outside their prescribed roles (which was paralled so well with Mary using the brass knuckles on Ketch in 12x20). Here, we see another reason why the BMoL will fail: competition. Dr. Naomi Umbridge and the higher ups in the BMoL keep their power by forcing the underlings to go Hunger Games on each other – they’re too busy fighting amongst themselves to buck the system.
With the hunters? No one’s trying to the The Best Hunter. Sure, there might be some friendly competition, but that’s it. The hunters have an odd system of collaboration that actually works in their favor: they’re mostly loners/work in pairs, but they reach out each other when they need to. We’ve seen over the years that John’s way of keeping Sam and Dean isolated was NOT the norm of a lot of the hunting community: the Roadhouse, all the hunters at Asa’s funeral, the Campbell clan (although they were kind of isolated within family bounds), Bobby or Garth’s networks, etc. By and large, there’s a healthy amount of respect amongst the hunters and the end goal is help people/stop supernatural threats, not to be top dog.
Ketch and Toni’s dialogue about the Hellhound. “You sat for Lady Bevell! Good boy!” “How can you tell?” “I’m not going to say ‘bad dog.’ That would be unpleasant.” hahahaha loved that part
And ok, not exactly wanky, but not exactly positive…until Joss’d (and maybe even then), my fic Escape with Eileen remains my headcanon about what actually happened.
Their manager finds out about your relationship and wants the two of you to break up.
N – Despite being cheerful and occasionally manhandled by the members *cough* Hyuk *cough*, Hakyeon has a steel core running through him. It’d stress him out to have to defend himself and his choices but he would. Although he’d let no one else than possibly the other members see that stress. He’d feel he has a standard to live up to as leader but he’d want this one thing for himself. Just one thing to help keep him sane when the weight on his shoulders got too heavy. He might bluff to leave VIXX but wouldn’t really. If he was forced to break up he would constantly be salty and toss out a lot of verbal barbs. It’d be so unpleasant for management they’d let him stay in the relationship.
Leo – Hopefully said manager is wearing protective body gear. Things wouldn’t really escalate to that level but Taekwoon would be. Pissed. Off. He doesn’t give his heart to just anyone and if he’d given it to you, nobody, absolutely nobody, is going to tell him he can’t. Family is everything to him and he’d already be seeing you as an extension of that. His response would be a loud and unequivocal no, some wall punching, and a refusal to talk to anyone for a while. Maybe he would talk to the members. Maybe. But not about the situation as that’s too much of a sore spot. The relationship would never be the same between him and the manager ever again.
Ken – He wouldn’t give love up for his career a second time especially now that he’s more established. Nope. Ken would try to stay friendly about the situation, but push him too far and the manager would see a side of Jaehwan that isn’t often seen. Ken wouldn’t get violent or yell (that much) but he’d be the most serious they’d ever seen him. Gone would be the playful, amiable Ken. In his place would be the determined, mature Jaehwan that lives just under the surface. He’d have a definite and precise argument laid out that he would present to the manager very clearly. If management was unmoved he wouldn’t be above pleading or using any other tactic. But ultimately he wouldn’t give up. Not this time.
Ravi – The gentleman rebel. Wonsik is an easy going guy, probably pretty manageable for the staff. But once he makes his mind up on something you can’t budge the man. Threats to kick him out of VIXX wouldn’t work because he’d just move to the underground scene. Of course he’d be sad, but Ravi will always make his music as long as he’s breathing. He wouldn’t get loud about it either. He’s certain of his feelings and of himself when it comes to you. Quiet but firm he wouldn’t hear of anything less than confirmation he gets to be with you. He’d be willing to date secretly and still work his ass off, but bottom line would be that he’s staying with you.
Hongbin – Seriously this would upset Bean so much it’d make him nauseous. Probably give him stomach cramps. He doesn’t handle conflict well and he’d be in a very difficult position. If he cared for you but was dating just to date because he’s lonely, he’d do as his manager asked. But if things had progressed to where you were firmly seated in his heart he’d stand his ground and refuse. He’d use a negotiation tactic offering to work harder as long as it didn’t affect his career. It’d stress him the hell out though and he’d nearly kill himself trying to be perfect in all other regards for work but to him it’d be worth it to keep you.
Hyuk – This would throw him for a loop. Hyukie is pretty bold but only when he’s in his comfort zone. When he’s outside of his sphere of experience it’s another story. He’d struggle with what to do for a bit. Obviously he wouldn’t want to lose you, but he wouldn’t know if it was time to buck the system or acquiesce. As the youngest he might already have the mentality that he has plenty of years ahead of himself for love. He hasn’t reached the level of maturity his fellow members have where that kind of connection is more essential. Unless he had really deep feelings for you he’d back away from the relationship. However if it happened when he was older, management wouldn’t have a chance of making him do it.
51 Genius Quotes That Prove George Carlin Was A Modern Philosopher
1. I don’t have pet peeves. I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.
2. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
3. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
4. And what can we do to silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose? Not a word. You never hear them say “Jesus made me drop the ball.” “The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage.” According to these guys Jesus is undefeated, meanwhile these assholes are in last place. Must be another one of those “miracles.”
5. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
6. It’s the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin’ different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard. That’s our history. We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.
7. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”
8. How can [God] be perfect? Everything He ever makes dies.”
9. If you take five white guys and put ’em with five black guys, and let ’em hang around together for about a month, and at the end of the month, you’ll notice that the white guys are walking and talking and standing like the black guys do. You’ll never see the black guys going, “Oh, golly! We won the big game today, yes sir!” But you’ll see guys with red hair named Duffy going, “What’s happenin’?”
10. Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
11. Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
12. Here’s another question I have: How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelet? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we’re better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? Because chickens are decent people. You don’t see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No. You don’t see a chicken strapping some guy to a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When’s the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn’t happen. Because chickens are decent people.
13. People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
14. Electricity is really just organized lightning.
15. We’re so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody’s going to save something now. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. And the supreme arrogance? Save the planet! Are these people kidding? Save the planet? We don’t even know how to take care of ourselves; we haven’t learned how to care for one another. We’re gonna save the fuckin’ planet? And, by the way, there’s nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. The planet is fine. The people are fucked! Compared with the people, the planet is doin’ great. It’s been here over four billion years The planet isn’t goin’ anywhere, folks. We are! We’re goin’ away. Pack your shit, we’re goin’ away. And we won’t leave much of a trace. Thank God for that. Nothing left. Maybe a little Styrofoam. The planet will be here, and we’ll be gone. Another failed mutation, another closed-end biological mistake.
16. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
17. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and He needs money.
18. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
19. Catholics and other Christians are against abortions and they’re against homosexuals. Well who has less abortions than homosexuals? Leave these fucking people alone for Christ’s sake. Here is an entire class of people guaranteed never to have an abortion and the Catholics and the Christians are just tossing them aside. You’d think they’d make natural allies. Go look for consistency in religion.
20. If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse.
21. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
22. So about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified, the slaves are freed. Not so you’d really notice it of course; just kinda on paper. And that of course was at the end of the Civil War. Now there is another phrase I dearly love. That is a true oxymoron if I’ve ever heard one: “Civil War.” Do you think anybody in this country could ever really have a civil war? “Say, pardon me?” (shoots gun) “I’m awfully sorry. Awfully sorry.”
23. When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
24. So maybe it’s not the politicians who suck; maybe it’s something else. Like the public. That would be a nice realistic campaign slogan for somebody: “The public sucks. Elect me.” Put the blame where it belongs: on the people. Because if everything is really the fault of politicians, where are all the bright, honest, intelligent Americans who are ready to step in and replace them? Where are these people hiding? The truth is, we don’t have people like that. Everyone’s at the mall, scratching his balls and buying sneakers with lights in them. And complaining about the politicians.
25. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
26. I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
27. I don’t like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individualists. I often warn people: “Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no “I” in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an “I” in independence, individuality and integrity.‘” Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name. If they say, “We’re the So-and-Sos,” take a walk. And if, somehow, you must join, if it’s unavoidable, such as a union or a trade association, go ahead and join. But don’t participate; it will be your death. And if they tell you you’re not a team player, congratulate them on being observant.
28. They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. They don’t mention anything about cursing a lack of candles.
29. Boy, these conservatives are really something, aren’t they? They’re all in favor of the unborn. They will do anything for the unborn. But once you’re born, you’re on your own. Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. After that, they don’t want to know about you. They don’t want to hear from you. No nothing. No neonatal care, no day care, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. If you’re preborn, you’re fine; if you’re preschool, you’re fucked.
30. Some people dream of things that never were and ask, “Why not?” Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that shit.
31. I don’t understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal. Fucking is legal. Why isn’t selling fucking legal? You know, why should it be illegal to sell something that’s perfectly legal to give away? I can’t follow the logic on that one at all! Of all the things you can do, giving someone an orgasm is hardly the worst thing in the world. In the army they give you a medal for spraying napalm on people. In civilian life you go to jail for giving someone an orgasm.
32. Comedy is filled with surprise, so when I cross a line, I like to find out where the line might be and then cross it deliberately, and then make the audience happy about crossing the line with me.
33. There are over seventeen thousand golf courses in America, they average over one hundred and fifty acres a piece. That’s three million plus acres, four thousand, eight hundred and twenty square miles. You could build two Rhode Islands and a Delaware for the homeless on the land currently being wasted on this meaningless, mindless, arrogant, elitist, racist, there’s another thing; the only blacks you’ll find at country clubs are carrying trays. And a boring game. A boring game for boring people. You ever watch golf on television? It’s like watching flies fuck!
34. I am perfectly willing to share the room with a fly, as long as he is patrolling that portion of the room I don’t occupy. But if he starts that smart-ass fly shit, buzzing my head and repeatedly landing on my arm, he is engaging in high-risk behavior.
35. And you might have noticed something else. The sanctity of life doesn’t seem to apply to cancer cells, does it? You rarely see a bumper sticker that says: “Save the tumors.” Or “I brake for advanced melanoma.” No, viruses, mold, mildew, maggots, fungus, weeds, E. Coli bacteria, the crabs. Nothing sacred about those things. So at best the sanctity of life is kind of a selective thing. We get to choose which forms of life we feel are sacred, and we get to kill the rest. Pretty neat deal, huh? You know how we got it? We made the whole fucking thing up!
36. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
37. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
38. When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.
39. Here’s some bumper stickers I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child whose self esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.” “We are the proud parents of a child who has resisted his teachers’ attempts to break his spirit and bend him to the will of his corporate masters.” “We have a daughter in public school who hasn’t been knocked up yet.” “We have a son in public school who hasn’t shot any of his classmates yet. But he does sell drugs to your honor student. Plus he knocked up your daughter.” “We are the embarrassed parents of a cross-eyed little nit-wit who at the age of ten not only continues to wet the bed but also shits on the school bus.”
40. People are fucking nuts. This country is full of nitwits and assholes. You ever notice that? Nitwits, assholes, fuckups, scumbags, jerkoffs, and dipshits. And they all vote. In fact, sometimes you get the impression that they’re the only ones who vote.
41. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
42. Rights aren’t rights if someone can take them away. They’re privileges. That’s all we’ve ever had in this country, is a bill of temporary privileges. And if you read the news even badly, you know that every year the list gets shorter and shorter. You see all, sooner or later. Sooner or later, the people in this country are gonna realize the government does not give a fuck about them! The government doesn’t care about you, or your children, or your rights, or your welfare or your safety. It simply does not give a fuck about you! It’s interested in its own power. That’s the only thing. Keeping it and expanding it wherever possible.
43. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
44. When it comes to God’s existence, I’m not an atheist and I’m not an agnostic. I’m an acrostic: the whole thing puzzles me.
45. The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers, but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice.
46. Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
47. Let me get a sip of water here…you figure this stuff is safe to drink? Actually, I don’t care, I drink it anyway. You know why? Because I’m an American and I expect a little cancer in my food and water. I’m a loyal American and I’m not happy unless I let government and industry poison me a little bit every day.
48. Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
49. Religion is nothing but mind control. Religion is just trying to control your mind, control your thoughts, so they’re gonna tell you some things you shouldn’t say because they’re…sins. And besides telling you things you shouldn’t say, religion is gonna suggest some things that you ought to be saying; “Here’s something you ought to say first thing when you wake up in the morning; here’s something you ought to say just before you go to sleep at night; here’s something we always say on the third Wednesday in April after the first full moon in spring at 4 o’clock when the bells ring.” Religion is always suggesting things you ought to be saying.
50. I have certain rules I live by. My first rule: I don’t believe anything the government tells me. […] I look at war a little bit differently. To me, war is a lot of prick-waving! OK? Simple thing. That’s all it is. War is a whole lot of men standing out on a field waving their pricks at one another. Men are insecure about the size of their dicks, and so they have to kill one another over the idea. That’s what all that asshole jock bullshit is all about. That’s what all that adolescent, macho, male posturing and strutting in bars and locker rooms is all about. It’s called “dick fear!” Men are terrified that their pricks are inadequate and so they have to compete with one another, to feel better about themselves, and since war is the ultimate competition, basically, men are killing each other in order to improve their self-esteem! You don’t have to be a historian or a political scientist to see the bigger-dick foreign policy at work. It sounds like this: “What, they have bigger dicks? Bomb them!” And of course, the bombs and the rockets and the bullets are all shaped like dicks. It’s a subconscious need to project the penis into other people’s affairs. It’s called “fucking with people!”
51. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.