bu night

2

5:49 Thoughts

What if the magic has been lost? Curtains closed. Fireworks gone. The magicians has already revealed the tricks. Everything has been lost and the crowd goes in a blink of an eye.

What if the magic has been lost? That we start forgetting to see the wonders of busy streets and late night bus rides and the smell of hot afternoon sweat and the taste of our own gums bleeding?

I am afraid. To be honest.

That one day, we would just wake up like robots. We target to end the day with a sweep. We wake up just to look forward in sleeping again. We let time pass believing that there would always be a next time. We prefer to just rest that explore. We become too content of what we have achieved that we see everything else detached and we grow old thinking that we are okay until we reach our death beds and realize how we let life passed us by.

I am afraid for that day to come. When everything has become too late. When everything has become too old and senseless and the child inside of us started to become adults. Start to think like adults. That the world starts to become in binaries - black and white, win or lose, rich or poor, okay or not okay. And we lose the colors of every adventures.

I am afraid. To be honest.

To lose my voice and forget about the things I love. To be that person I warned my self about. To start waltzing with strings on my joints and catalogues with reference codes of who I should be. To build a home out of cages and sell my wings for a living. To be consumed by the idea that self worth is about how you become the best among the rest.

That one day, I would just stay in the confines of my own walls as I forget about the magic of skating through thin ice, dancing on broken glasses, kissing on busy streets with flickering lights, laughing so hard without caring about the noise of the world, craving for the adventures, and becoming true to myself.

I am afraid to lose the magic. That magic.

Monday 8:27am
I woke up with you on my mind.
You called me babe last night —
my heart is still pounding.

Tuesday 10:53pm
Today I realized we won’t work.
What we are is hurting her.
And I think she matters more to me than you do.

Wednesday 11:52pm
I broke things off with you today.
She barely said a word.
I’ve never regretted anything more than this.

Thursday 4:03pm
I shouldn’t have sent that message.
You shouldn’t have been so okay with receiving it.

Friday 9:57pm
I almost messaged you today.
I didn’t.

Saturday 8:49pm
I’m walking around town in search of alcohol.
They say that liquor numbs the pain of having a broken heart.
I want to put that to the test.

Sunday 2:32am
I heard you texted a girl you’ve never spoken to before.
I wonder if it’s because you’re trying to replace me.
I can’t help but wish you weren’t.
I thought I was irreplaceable.

—  a week with you on my mind, c.j.n.
Move on, leave, run away, escape this place… but don’t forget about me, about us, about this town. Always remember where you come from so you can appreciate how far you’ve come.
—  c.j.n.