bruhman

IF MARTIN HAD BEEN SET IN 2015:

1. Pam joins Hotep Twitter; Martin calls her “Erykah Badon’t.”

2. Stan convinces everybody to buy his pre-paid legal services, then runs off on a trip to the Caribbean with their money.

3. Martin, Tommy, and Cole try to make it a week without sex after fearing that “The Thirst” is making them all soft.

4. Martin and Gina break up after fighting over whether or not a good date should cost $200; Pam shows up and calls Martin “Ba-roke Obama.”

5. Cole and Tommy convince Martin that ass eating is for punks; Martin refuses and soon thinks Gina is cheating with Bruhman because “ya’ll know he eats anything, man!”

6. Martin, Tommy, and Cole drive to Philadelphia to fight someone for saying that Lebron James couldn’t ball on Twitter.

7. Pam tries to become internet famous by putting clips of her singing on YouTube; Martin calls her “Weaveyonce.”

8. Martin and Bruhman try selling T-shirts at a #BlackLivesMatter rally, but the shirts say #BackLifsMader. They get run out by an angry mob.

9. Cole launches a GoFundMe campaign for his newest business venture, #RentEmTweets.

10. Rev. Leon Lonnie Love tries to become a Twitter life coach; Gina and Pam expose him as a fraud during a tweet-up.

11. Mama Payne gets a new bird and teaches it to call Gina a “thot.”


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BREAKING NEWS
Sources say that following lengthy negotiations, around midnight this morning, November 1, 2014, the Skeleton Army reached a tentative treaty with the Fuckboys, putting an end to the Skeleton War that has ravaged the world for the past 31 days.  Fuckboy General Trevor Bruhman told reporters that the Coalition of Righteous Players agreed to surrender to the Skeletons because, “Everybody was starting to feel this, like, was getting kind of lame, and we just thought, you know, we’d rather be watching football and fist bumping than doing mortal combat with bone soldiers."  Fuckboy Secretary of Defense Chad Stubbly added, "We were losing morale pretty quick ‘cause there weren’t any fine-ass ladies to be courted on the battlefield.  Plus we were running out of funds to buy Coors Light and Doritos to fuel our troops, and I mean, it’ll take a while to convince our moms to give us more loans.”

When contacted for comment, the High Skeleton Lord said of the uneasy truce, “SKREEEEEEEEEEE!!!"  His second in command, the fierce warrior Femera Humerus, famed for her ability to strike fear into the hearts of her foes simply by playing two notes on the trumpet, further noted, "AAAGHUGHUGHEEEEEE!"  Interpreters have told our sources that while the Skeletons have agreed to cease their attacks, which top Fuckboys have characterized as "men’s rights violations,” for the time being, they have explicitly reserved the privilege to continue their attempts to take down the figurehead leader of their opposition, Justin “King Swagulous I” Bieber.

Political analysts on hand for the treaty negotiations last night indicated that while this most recent outbreak of violence between the Skeleton Army and the Fuckboys has come to a conclusion, so long as the Fuckboys continue to be useless misogynists who wear socks with sandals, there is always the chance that Skeletons will rise from their graves to do battle with them. 

“It’s a vicious cycle of screaming skulls versus Axe body spray,” said leading skelhistorian Vernella Truefax, “and it’s going to happen again."  When asked how long she estimated peace would last, she added, "Probably until next October.”