browneyedmess

Tumblr Person of the Year

Winner: matthewismusing

Matthew - I owe you. A lot. You become a great confidant this year, and you certainly didn’t ask for the job :P But your friendship and support helped me get through and incredibly rough period of my life, and you were always there to listen to me when I needed it. Plus I still have that “Breathe” picture saved to my computer from when I was coming out to my roommate that you sent me. Thanks Matthew :)

Runners Up: browneyedmess and thedailydoodles

I seriously <3 you guys! You’re always asking how my day went, and I love reading your tumblr posts. I couldn’t ask for more awesome people to be in my life :)

browneyedmess-blog  asked:

How ya been, my friend?

Yay! Glad to see you’re back on tumblr :D

Oh man. How have I been. Well.

To recap this past semester… in August my girlfriend and I broke up because I finally began to realize that I was gay. This life altering change brought me up close and personal with depression. I had spent 2010 and the first two months of 2011 flirting with depression, which kind of laid the groundwork for what I was now going through.

September was… bad. Every time I started to get my feet back under me, something new would knock me down. Coming out to my mother wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be, but it still wasn’t positive. Likewise, talking to my father wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but it definitely wasn’t good, which prompted my angry tumblr response. I definitely didn’t accomplish much… but on the one bright side, my roommate and best friend from high school accepted me immediately when I told him, and that definitely helped me keep from spiraling completely into depression. The other bright spot was discovering another friend who become a close confidant… without these two people, I have no idea how I would have stayed sane.

In October, I was finally able to accept myself - not only my sexuality, but that I was actually dealing with depression, and if I wanted to, if not defeat it, at least master it, I would need to be honest about that too. Unfortunately, even as my mood improved, I came down with a bad cold and sinus drainage, which shot my voice to hell. Seeing as I’m a vocalist… this was bad. One, my lessons this semester had already been going poorly, since I wasn’t able to break out of the apathy of depression. This led to having bad voice lessons, which lead to more depression, etc. It was a bad cycle. At least being sick gave me an excuse, but it was also incredibly frustrating, so I wouldn’t call it an improvement.

November finally saw me moving beyond accepting myself and becoming more comfortable with who I am. I mostly broke through the depression barrier… the apathy was still majorly there though, just not the constant bleakness. I only had one two day regression, and I managed to break through by channeling it out through writing.

I guess I should mention at this point that my practicum really helped me this semester as well. Sure, I got behind on submitting lesson plans and reflections - but getting up and teaching those little kids two days a week was an absolute joy, and helped me solidify that I really am doing what I’m meant to be doing.

And then December. I kind of made the mistake in thinking that things would end on a good note. Nope. More like the final climatic ending - I ended up signing up for my voice jury final during a time when my professor couldn’t be there by mistake, which felt like a summation of every wrong and stupid mistake I had made all semester. I had a bad regression for a couple days where it felt like a constant cloud of dread was hovering over me, especially since I couldn’t find anyone to trade times with me to fix my mistake. In the end, it worked out. 

So where am I now? Well, even with those regressions, my general trend was up. Those were more like terrible setbacks, but each time I was able to at least bounce back to where I had been. I feel like I’m out of the wilderness now - I’m comfortable with who I am (even if I’m not necessarily comfortable talking to my parents about it - everyone else I’m fine with), though I prefer to remain in the closet for now. I don’t feel the need to throw this on people, though if anyone finds out and asks I’m certainly not going to deny it.

With my depression, I feel the worst is over. I know it’s there, waiting for the right trigger, but right now I feel happy and confident, and there isn’t anything more I can ask for. I’ll take it as it comes.

And today I not only found my family is far more accepting than I initially realized (all but my younger brother… and, with time, I know that will change), plus I met with my ex for the first time since August, and I think, given time, we can heal our friendship.

And Friday I leave for Orlando for my last band trip. I’m excited to see my bandmates again - plus, you know, FLORIDA!

So how have I been? Terrible. This was the worst year of my life.

But how am doing? Great. Fantastic. The best I’ve been in a long time. And I’m happy with that :)

[Originally posted December 28th, 2011 11:35pm]