brotp: but i knew him

  • My sis, my bro and I, watching The Avengers after seeing CA-The First Avenger
  • Sis: *sees Steve jumping out of the quinjet*
  • Sis: *snorts* Really?
  • Bro: What?
  • Sis: He jumped without hesitating
  • Me: Yeah, so?
  • Sis: Why didn't he do that when he was about to crash in his own movie!
  • Bro: It's different! He had a parachute here!
  • Sis: He's supposed to be nearly indestructible! He could have given his coordinates,jump and be rescued!
  • Bro: *getting frustrated* He didn't have a choice there! It couldn't be done like that!
  • Sis: I don't buy that!
  • Me: *tentatively* Well, many say he wanted to follow Bucky in death
  • Bro: ...
  • Sis: ...
  • Me: ...
  • Sis: *triumphantly* Now THAT makes sense!
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Everyone refers to this scene as heartbreaking - and it is.  But to me this is the most horrifying thing that I have watched in years.  What they do to that man is is everyone one of my worst nightmares.  

He loses a limb, they operate on him while he is awake, they keep him alive when he should be dead - and all of this against his will.  They experiment on his body, they destroy his mind…. what must it be like to live your whole life and never know if your thoughts are your own?  To think only in fragments…

When he has been out of cryo for too long he begins to remember things, how terrifying must it be to have these thoughts of another time and place come back to you?  And the idea of time - how awful must it be to keep waking up in another time, in the future.  There are no familiar faces, just his handlers - and even they would have changed over the decades.

He has no idea who or what he is.  What did they tell him he was?  Did they tell him he was once a man?  Did they tell him he was created by Hydra?  Does he think he is more machine than man?  They tell him that his work has been a gift to mankind.  What other lies did they feed him to make him accept his fate?  Do they even call him The Winter Soldier?  That name seems to have been given to him by the outside in the MCU.  They seem only to call him The Asset.  

Suddenly someone calls him by a human name.  Everything about that hardened killing machine changes.  He is vulnerable.  He returns to base recalling nightmares - but it is the familiar face that he holds on to.  Nothing else matters to him - nothing.  He doesn’t hear a word Pierce says to him.  But he is going to lose his one hope and he knows it.

And Zola.  Everyone hates Pierce and well they should but what about Zola!?  The way he speaks to Bucky, the way he looks at him is beyond creepy.  My skin crawls at the very thought of him now.  I almost felt bad for him in the first movie, but now I can’t even look at him.  Imagine waking up, weak and on the verge of death, looking up and having someone say those things to you.

This happened to him not once - but twice.  They did this to him in the first movie.  He is shell shocked and suffering from post traumatic stress after he is rescued from that Hydra base.  Look at him in the opening scenes of the film and look at him after - he is not the same man.  He is broken - but he has at the very least escaped from that horrible place where they tortured him and experimented on him - until he falls and is captured and forced to relive his nightmares over and over again.

Heartbreaking isn’t a strong enough word for me - soul destroying.  His life is a nightmare, that he cannot wake up from.  He will only wake up trapped in a new nightmare.

bucky barnes gives a blowjob 

but I blew him

bucky barnes plants a flower

but I grew him

bucky barnes draws a picture

but I drew him

bucky barnes watches steve

but I view him

bucky barnes makes beer

but I brew him

bucky barnes flies a plane

but I flew him

I FINALLY GOT MY SISTER TO WATCH CATWS

She always says “I’m not into that stuff!” when I make her watch comic book movies but then she gets into it.

*Nick Fury dead*

her: “oh shit”

*Dr. Zolla alive*

literally her reaction:

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BUT WHEN BUCKY WAS REVEALED…

her: I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! I FUCKING KNEW IT!

and she like jumped up and was gesturing at the screen and was like

PAUSE IT. WAIT NO.

and for someone who claimed to have no interest whatsoever, she got pretty into it and was pretty damn close to crying most of the time.

“THIS IS TOO MUCH PAIN!”

me: it gets worse…it gets worse.

This was a good day. Tomorrow…I’ll start showing her the tumblr fandom.

suddenly getting feelings about a bethyl stucky au where gareth survived and found beth crawling out of her grave with no memories and trained her into a super soldier whose only mission was to kill the people who had ruined terminus except in her fight with the archer she gets injured and he takes her captive but he’s kind like no one has ever been kind to her, not that she remembers, and something in her yearns to place her elbow in his hand or her shoulder against his and it frightens her until she wakes in the middle of the night to him humming and she starts crying until she can’t stop

Stages when watching CA:TWS

Peggy: You’re alive… You came back… You came back… It’s been so long.. So long
Steve: I couldn’t leave my best girl behind
Me: *whimper*

Bucky: Who the hell is Bucky?
Me: *whimper filled with agony*

Steve: Even when I had nothing, I had Bucky
Me: *clutches chest at the pain*

Bucky: … But I knew him
Me: *mild sobbing with back and forth rocking*

Bucky: YOU’RE. MY. MISSION!!!
Steve: Then finish it… Cause I’m with you till the end of the line
Me: *agonized screaming and sobbing*