dear brothers;

i am sorry i am incapable of being a good sibling
i am sorry for every time i yelled or screamed at you
i am sorry that you had to see me hit rock bottom numerous times
i am sorry i had to keep secrets from you

you two boys are my anchors & there is nothing more i want
than to see you two blossom into suns & radiate happiness
i am sorry our family is plagued with mental illness
but i hope you find the strength to carry on & find your paths

M- my love, i am sorry you were bullied your entire life
i promised i tried my best to protect you from them
i threatened every single bully & i laid down my life for you
you are an angel sent from god himself to be my muse
a treasure trove full of wonder & love & happiness
a heart of gold for a perfect boy
i pray you grow up & reach your full potential
i have always believed in you & i always will
you hold galaxies in your mind & your heart is bursting with undying love
i am so proud to call you my brother

N- my dear, i am sorry you are so insecure about yourself
if i could show you how handsome & charming you are, i would
but i know how hard it is to love yourself & to appreciate what you have
you are a stubborn boy & i miss the old days where we were all carefree
the genes you carry have made you cruel & i am sorry for not teaching you to be soft & gentle like an autumn breeze on a sunday morning
but i love you nonetheless & my only hope is that you realize you are so much more than what your brain tells you
i am so proud to call you my brother

i am sorry i haven’t made you two proud enough to call me your sibling


twelve step program / making amends / letter four

I am still a Muslim

Yes, I don’t wear a hijab. Yes, I wear tight dresses and sometimes short shorts. Yes, I sometimes miss my namaz. Yes, I did not memorize the Quran. But I am still a Muslim. I believe in Allah (swt). I believe in the day of judgement. I believe in junnah and jahannam. I believe in zakah. I try my best to complete my daily prayers but overall I don’t believe that it is the only thing that defines me as a Muslim. My everyday acts and dedication to Allah is what I believe makes me a part of Islam. I make dua everyday. I start my day with bismillah and I end it with alhamdulillah. I stay humble and modest in my actions. I respect my parents. I pray for the unfortunate. I am still a Muslim. I am just as Muslim as you are.