brother stuff

Humans are Weird: Spices

Alien: Today in my “Human Studies” book, I’m reading about human foods.

Human: Ooh, cool.

Alien: But I’m not sure this is accurate. It says here that humans purposely ingest a plant high in a pain-causing chemical, capsaicin.

Human: Oh, peppers? Yeah. Spicy.

Alien: But why would you want to eat something that causes you pain?

Human: Some people like the burn. I think it causes the same sort of reaction as drinking alcohol…?

Alien: That activity doesn’t make sense to me either. Can we discuss it after?

Human: Sure.

Alien: So, these “peppers.” Do you enjoy eating them?

Human: Me? Well, not by themselves. But I do like somewhat spicy foods. My brother, though, he likes them much hotter. He’s eaten some really spicy peppers, even ate a ghost pepper by itself.

Alien: Ghost pepper.

Human: Yeah, it’s the spiciest natural pepper. His face got pretty red, and he got the hiccups.

Alien: That… doesn’t sound like a healthy reaction.

Human: It just means that it’s a really spicy pepper. I mean, if I ate one of those, it might kill me, but he was fine.

Alien. Why would it kill you?

Human: Too spicy. You have to have a tolerance for capsaicin or it can literally kill you. And the ghost pepper is so hot that to handle it, you gotta wear gloves.

Alien: Your planet has plants that can KILL people, and which you can’t handle directly, and your brother ATE ONE, by ITSELF??

Human: Yeah.

Alien: …

Human: He says that when he gets desensitized to ghost pepper, he wants a Carolina Reaper.

Alien: I’m almost afraid to ask.

Human: …

Alien: What’s a Carolina Reaper?

Human: A pepper scientifically engineered for spiciness. It’s currently the world’s hottest pepper.

Alien: *stares at human in disbelief*

Alien: *stares at human studies book*

Alien: *stares at human again*

Alien: *whispers to self* How… how are humans real?

The signs as Monster Factory monster descriptions
  • Aries: looks like a human goldfish cracker
  • Taurus: looks like darth maul undercover at a high school
  • Gemini: looks like if you saw someone who you suspected of being two kids standing on each others’ shoulders and then you ripped away the trench coat and it was one single human person
  • Cancer: looks like the movie the fly, if instead of a fly in the chamber with jeff goldblum it was like a big bowl of pasta salad
  • Leo: looks like a ghost chef boyardee
  • Virgo: looks like someone cut their face out of a magazine, is a human ransom note
  • Libra: looks like they’re from a dark version of gift of the magi where they sold their face to buy a gift and their wife bought them like, a face scarf
  • Scorpio: looks exactly like benedict cumberbatch
  • Sagittarius: looks like one of those optical illusions; can you see the other face in this face?
  • Capricorn: looks like they’re holding a bundle of dry spaghetti but the spaghetti is them
  • Aquarius: look likes they’re being permanently pinched by two grandmas
  • Pisces: looks like the crypt keeper is trying to sneak into a rave in the old west

as a child i thought constantly about an alternate reality where Remus killed Romulus and founded Reme and we all studied The Ancient Remens and the Remen Empire and the Greco-Remen Gods an people said “When in Reme…” and “Reme wasnt built in a day”

like i just though a lot about that but no one else ever brought it up