You see this is how I really am, I’ll push
you away because I’ve been hurt way too
much in the past. I’ve loved and lost, I’ve
been taken for granted. I’ve gave and gave
and not got anything back, I’ve been broken
to a point I never thought was possible. And
trusting people and their words has become impossible, questioning their love is a habit
because a part of me always feels that it’s not
true and that it will never last. The feeling of
being lied to or being betrayed by the ones I
love most haunts me. I let go of the people I
love and say goodbye, but a part of me hopes
that they will fight for me but no one does they
all walk away without questioning why. So I’m
sorry if you can’t put up with me, and I’m sorry
if I’m not what you want. But this is me, this is
who I am. And if you can’t love me for me then
Excerpt from a book I will never write #21
Jenseternity / instagram
You got me fucked up, you know that?
You really got me fucked up
You’re a selfish ass piece of shit
You only think about yourself without putting me in the picture
What am I even to you?
Do you even care about me or you’re just keeping me around because you’re bored?
Just tell me what you want from me
Tell me what I should do when I’m falling for you and you don’t even give a fuck
Like what am I supposed to do?
If you don’t love me anymore, just tell me and I’ll go my way
If you don’t have feelings for me anymore, let me go
Don’t be a pussy just because you’re scared to hurt me
I’ve been hurt my whole life
You are a fool if you thought you were going to be the first to hurt me
If you know there’s no futur for us, just say it
I don’t want to lose my time with someone who don’t even love me
Like what the fuck?
You know how in love I am with you, you fucking know it
So why are you doing this to me?
Why are you keeping me around if you know you don’t feel the same way?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Love is not a game, so grow the fuck up you piece of shit
We broke up, but the sky is still blue, we broke up, but the sun is still setting, we broke up, but the birds are still singing, we broke up, but everything is still the same. Well, my heart wants to die, but everything else feels the same. Well, my mind can’t find the answers to the questions that keep wandering through it, but everything is still the same. Well, my stomach will forget what it feels like to eat, but it’s okay. Losing myself in music and alcohol, losing myself in cigarettes and tears, long nights of screaming in pillow, long days of faking the smile.
We broke up, but whatever, yeah? I always knew that everything happens for a reason, I just have to live with it, because someday it will get better. I should just fake a smile, pretend to be okay, never cry in front of somebody, be positive, be strong.
NYC is always a revelation. I was anxious about my stay; there are friends with whom I associate the city, beloved but for now lost, and I was already feeling their absence. But the moment it appeared in front of me from the airplane window, the city reminded me that the heart may be cracked, it may ache but it can still fill. I felt that familiar quickening of the breath, the rush of blood in the veins. Love-blood. Life-blood.
This picture as you can tell was not made from an airplane window. But the wall and the window were also not blue as it would appear. They were white. When I scanned the negative, the image opened drenched in blue. It was one of those film accidents — myths really, that one hears about – completely thrilling.