brings all boys to yard

anonymous asked:

So what I'm hearing is wonka *will* bring all the boys to the yard -Buypepsi

Nice pun but yes, I just went into his office and I found his notes.  And he actually is seriously planning this out, holy shoot.  He thinks it’s supposed to be some sort of gender-specific, scent-activated attraction potion.  He already asked @ask-starling to test it for him because he hates strangers and large crowds but he is actually serious about making this milkshake.  Why-. …  he doesn’t even have a use for this, holy shoot,, he’s just trying to prove he can do it.  

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

All of the boys, estimated 3,477,829,638 of them as of 2014.

They flock to my country by the millions. Each of them takes a pilgrimage to my house, just to stand in my yard and gawk at the triple-thick fudge milkshake I bought at McDonalds.

By the year 2020, a great temple is built, devoted to my milkshake. The yard has thousands of dazed and confused men, staring with hollow eyes at the empty cup. Hundreds of sobbing women try to move them, force them out of the yard, but they are already too far gone. I just watch and feel nauseous.

What have I done?

Punchline.

It never fails to make me happy, that my husband thinks I am funny. Not just “ha ha you’re adorable”, but in the way where I can render him gasping for breath with tears streaming down his face Funny. And he tells people too, at every given opportunity. He’s proud of me, immensely so, and it makes my little heart sing because I was always told this would never happen.

My mother always told me that boys don’t like funny girls. They especially don’t like girls that are funnier than them. Boys don’t like a lot of things, according to my mother. They don’t like sluts but they also don’t like prudes, and they don’t marry bimbos, but they also don’t want someone too clever either. Because you’re life is supposed to be a supporting act. You can be funny, but you are part of a duo. You are the cheap laugh to his comedic genius, the assistant fluttering the feathers to distract everyone from his slight of hand.

And it makes me sad because my father—a profoundly funny man—agrees with her. Oh women can be funny of course, but not because they are quick or witty, but because they are laughable. The fact that I work hard at my craft is irrelevant, explained away by an anomaly of chance and luck, and as he so often says with an buff of his nails on his imaginary lapels, genetics—empirical proof that some men will try to take credit for whatever you do, even if their last worthy contribution was sometime post utero, but mostly prior.

A sentiment many men in my life feel the need to reiterate as they comment on my facebook with things like “wow you sure are something” or “where did you get that line from” as though it could never have come from my own pretty little head.

Which is hurtful, to say the least. Insulting as middle ground and at worst a broken record stuck on repeat for the last thirty years of my life.

So the next time you think about sending me a message that says “wow you’re really funny for a woman” I would like you to reconsider your outlook on life, and whether or not it might be better improved by first removing your head from your arse.

2

Today’s Fugue Feast prompt is AUs and I have been waiting AGES with bated breath for this one to update because it’s everything I ever wanted and I need to know what happens next.

So antonsokolov if you read this….please take pity….I need more milkshake shack AU.

Ballora no-
  • Ballora: Hmm...this is a good song. Wonder what happened if i..
  • *Turns the song all the way to ear rape*
  • MYYY MILK SHAKE BRINGS ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD
  • DAMN RIGHT-
  • Funtime Freddy: HOLY SHIT
  • Ennard: GAHH
  • Funtime Freddy: OH MY GOD OW TURN THAT SHIT DOWN
  • BonBon: holy shit im dying
  • Funtime Foxy: WHEEZE
  • Balloon Boy: what the hell
  • Meanwhile upstairs
  • ________________________
  • Board Member: mr. afton what is that
  • Mr. Afton: what the fuck