bringing those feelings back

They met at a dog park.

Which is weird in and of itself because a) Dean hates driving dogs in his baby; b) it’s not even his dog; and c) He’s still pissed at Sam for skipping out on him and their dad only to come back with a dog sized golden retriever he named Bones of all things. Jesus, Sam, you’d think you’re have a little more imagination considering you hid from one of the best damn trackers for two weeks only to name a dog after something we see every day. 

Dean sighed to himself. All that and he still has somehow found himself on pooch duty in some dog park in the middle of Illinois of all things. 

“He is limping.” Dean turned to the sound of a gruff voice coming from right behind in. 

“Yeah well, he’s old.” His comeback was coming out before he got a good look at the guy he was talking to. 

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‪"A beautiful flower, with power of a dragon & mouth of a sailor, weakened in battle but not defeated. Tis the great legend… of Lady Shenpai.“

Deer  :^) ….. Shenpai: If you see this, maybe this won’t mean much coming from a total stranger, but either way I hope it encourages you.

Shenpai [ @pikaiscool ] is an artist and a streamer mostly known for playing Overwatch and maining Hanzo Shimada. She motivated me in to enjoying OW a bit more, and I want to return the favor.

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anonymous asked:

The only thing I remember she participated is stand up to cancer but other than that she doesn't. She donates money but that's it. There's nothing annoying about her fans wanting her to do more ir be more active. Donating money is one thing and that's wonderful and more beneficial but it's not wrong for us to want her to be there and talk to victims & listen to their stories/challenges. I'm a huge fan of her but sometimes I want her to be more active and help out more than just donating money.

*i didnt use the word annoying

**she has done more than Stand up to cancer if we should talk about benefit concerts. i recall at least two others, one in sydney, she participated in one in the UK which benefitted children (also donated). she opened up the dress rehearsal for SNWT, sold tickets and donated all the proceeds to the victims of tornadoes. 

i wont sit here and try and change the way you perceive people or taylor or sit here and outline how much more she does than your average celebrity but i’m going to have to admit that i am genuinely unable to understand where this point of view originates and what sits behind in terms of what you actually want to see that is realistic beyond donated money.  

For someone who is so busy, i do seem to recall lots of visits to ill children in the hospital for just about as long as i can remember her being famous, dying fans like delaney in colorado where she actually flew to their house, gobs and gobs of free tickets to sick or chronically ill people to her shows - a lot of the time that never get any press, some of them even get to meet her which is amazing (this local little girl i used to follow who bless her heart is in remission, she was at the concert i was at, they got full vip package and tour and met taylor, she was five or six, honestly you never even hear about this stuff, it was not even on her fb page, i only know bc i went up to them during vance joy and literally said i recognize you and want you to know ive been praying for you im sorry to interrupt and the mom was like oh thats so kind actually we are here bc of taylors people they reached out to us and so on…..), face times to sick fans (and i dont mean five minutes like a half hour), money to the family of a fan who died in a car accident (+ a note), a huge sum of money to cedars sinai on behalf of LT (again, what more can she contribute to research efforts for congenital heart surgery than money?) All of this sounds pretty active to me. 

 phone calls to sick children who are going to pass away (i just saw one one fb the other day that i had never even heard of that the parent JUST posted about) donating items left and right to charity functions & silent auctions, like guitars and her prom dress back then and stuff, visiting veterans (like last year, or attending a wedding, playing at it, the year prior), donating books and the proceeds from wtny to nyc schools……. i dont know what would have been a more effective approach. Should she have gone and tried to teach the kids to read too? that isnt realistic. she’s donated to the red cross and flood relief programs so many times. what more is even feasible to help in that situation? people need food, shelter, running water. money achieves that. what do you exactly mean by ‘more active’… supporting an orchestra financially (how else can she support an orchestra?), i have to be honest i’m not clear what sort of expectation you have in mind in terms of being ‘a more active philanthropist’ because when it comes to charity - causes that need funding- money is and always will be the way change is made.  She cannot save obviously the wild animals in africa herself but she donated all her youtube money to wild animal conservation efforts in africa from wildest dreams. 

No, money can not buy the joy it brings a sick child to have a visit from her in the hospital, which is why it’s awesome that she visits hospitals every so often. and i’m not sure if you think that if she was actually serving the meals at the food bank and talking to the people in receipt of them, about the struggles they face in light of poverty but i have to admit that many may not want to talk to or find reason to relate to an extremely weathly white woman serving them a meal necessarily. I know it’s popular to do but would hammering the nails in the frame of the house with habitat for humanity, somehow be a better use of her time? or just donate to those efforts in places ravaged by weather. or rather than to buy the entire set of books the library in a child’s school in louisiana she should instead have gone and chilled with the kids…? or donating money to the wildfires last year,…what more is she supposed to do? As recently as last month we learned of her sizable donation to mariska hartigay’s foundation which is amazing, and i am sure there were other non publicized donations, but i do hope you are not insinuating that part of her charity should be to sit down with fellow victims of sexual assault, (especially given the fact it’s been less than one. month. since that donation occurred)_ bc someone who has experienced that, talking about it and bringing those feelings back to the surface may not be an emotionally sustainable thing that they can do, as well as the fact they may not feel academically sufficiently prepared to counsel others, so i hope that is not what the reference to talking to victims and listening to their challenges meant. i am sure it would be great for people if she did that and my hat would be off to her, but it may not be a realistic possibility either. 

anyway i stand by my previous statement. charity in any form is not a requirement it is an act of giving and people should have the freedom and respect to be allowed to do what they feel is right for them and what they are able to do within the constraints of their life.  i could outline plenty of highly wealthy hollywoodites who dont do shit. 

anonymous asked:

not to be "that person", but whats your opinion on Dekubaku?

i don’t like it.

there’s ten years of abuse and bullying from Bakugou to Izuku, and i can’t see it ever becoming a healthy relationship in the long run, even if they do resolve their issues. that’s a lot of history, over half of their lives, and a lot of bad blood.

i can see them maybe becoming tentative friends in the future, only after they’ve resolved their issues with each other and Bakugou has sincerely apologized for everything he did to Izuku. but most of their personal issues stem from a misunderstanding of each other. 

Izuku’s self confidence was was severely beaten down by Bakugou, and Bakugou’s inferiority complex has been fueled for 10 years by his misunderstanding and fear of Izuku’s intentions.

i just can’t see those lingering feelings ever fully disappearing, and i imagine being in a relationship would only bring those feelings back to the surface. 

they’ve never been very good at communicating with each other (it took 10 years before they tried talking, and only because Bakugou was going through an emotional breakdown from his guilt over All Might retiring), and were barely friends as kids, when their relationship was arguably at it’s best. (and even back then, most of what Bakugou did was insult Izuku and show him up for fun. tho it only turned hostile after the incident where Izuku tried to help him)

they can push each other into becoming better heroes and people. Izuku admires Bakugou’s determination and that inspires him, and Bakugou refuses to lose or be left behind by Izuku. Izuku can learn more about winning from Bakugou, and Bakugou can learn more about saving people from Izuku. they’ve finally talked and resolved some of their issues, and have become proper rivals. 

but that doesn’t mean their relationship is completely fine now. 

plus, neither character has ever particularly liked the other very much. Izuku does admire Bakugou, but he feels a deep sense of antipathy towards him for everything Bakugou’s done to him (which, considering everything, is a very understandable response). Izuku is willing to put aside differences and work with him for the greater good, however. Izuku likes to avoid conflict unless he feels it’s necessary. 

Izuku might have some lingering feelings of friendship from back when they were very, very young, but i think they’d be nostalgic, fleeting, and confusing at best. Bakugou never told Izuku why he started bullying him until 10 years later, after all, and that must’ve really confused Izuku. 

most of the time tho he actively tries to avoid Bakugou unless the situation forces otherwise.

Bakugou, on the other hand, has never once shown anything but disdain for Izuku. the nicest he ever was was when they were kids, when Bakugou thoughtlessly and harshly mocked Izuku. (which is something that kids who aren’t taught better often tend to do. as in, they tend to say mean and thoughtless things without thinking about how their words affect others. Bakugou never learned how his actions affect others until UA.)

their relationship is getting better, slowly but surely, but i just can’t see them ever having a healthy romantic relationship. i can see them barely having a healthy friendship, and only after certain conditions are made (talking out their issues more and a heartfelt apology from Bakugou). 

you can’t just erase 10 years of emotional and physical abuse and conditioning.

some related posts:

“Buried” (Masterlist)(Stony)

Non powered AU: Steve is a former soldier, Tony is just rich and smart, not MCU level rich/brilliant. I honestly just wanted to write something Indiana Jonesy so here it is lol there will be close to fifteen chapters if not more to this story.
*********************

The summer of his sophomore year of college, Tony Stark is dropped at a Stark Industries archeological dig site in South America so he can “learn a little about the world” and “gain some perspective”.

The first day there, Tony ruins his $200 shoes, his favorite pants and breaks his sunglasses, and is ready to call his dad and demand to go home. But then former soldier- turned- archaeologist Steve Rogers steps up and teases him about being a “spoiled brat” while smiling in a way that makes Tony melt right into the ground, and he (naturally) decides to stay for the summer.

The first awkward meeting turns into a summer full of flirty looks, stolen kisses, and teasing touches and Tony falls in love. By the end of the summer he is ready to give Steve everything, but then Steve decides to pack up and leave for a bigger dig site in China, leaving a short message about “something better coming up” and “can’t miss out on this” and  he “knows Tony will understand”.

Fast forward ten years and Tony has taken over the company after his parents death, only dates brunettes and redheads, and hasn’t thought about archeological sites or archeologists for years. And then he stumbles across the file for the old dig site, which is still being funded by Stark Industries. He hops on a plane, determined to visit the camp and shut it down once and for all, but is shocked  to discover that what had been a boring dig uncovering a village has grown into the discovery of a temple with precious artifacts being found every day.

A security team was hired to protect the staff from bandits trying to steal the gold, and when Tony demands to meet the commander, he comes face to face with Steve Rogers all over again– except Steve is bearded and bigger and way more dangerous than he used to be, and Tony hates how much he likes it.

When the camp comes under attack, Steve jumps into action, snatching Tony and running away into the jungle to try to escape and they end up just trying to stay alive as they work their way towards a safe airfield.

Long days and longer nights together bring back all those old feelings, and Steve finds himself trying to coax Tony into getting closer even as Tony tries his hardest to keep away.

As they get farther from the bandits, they get closer to something real between them, and Steve takes a risk, asks the man he never stopped loving to stay, to give them another chance.

Will Tony say yes? Or after all these years is his heart buried too far for the soldier-turned- archaeologist-turned-mercenary to find it?

************************

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Eight

Nine

Ten

Eleven

Twelve

Thirteen

Fourteen

Fifteen

Sixteen

Seventeen

Privileged (6/?)

Originally posted by mlchaelscofleld

“When everyone realises that Octavia has gone missing *yn* puts aside her differences with Bellamy to help him find his sister. *yn* has to deal with the drama between Clarke, Finn and Raven as well as worrying about the safety of the rest of the delinquents. The search party runs into grounders along the way and things take a turn for the worse.” 

Warnings: Swearing, violence, death

Notes: Based on 1x06 “His Sister’s Keeper” of the 100. 

The last section of this part is ESSENTIAL to part 7 & lets just say things get very interesting from there…. ;)

Series Masterlist


Loud shouts and boisterous laughter filled the camp as the delinquents enjoyed their limited time off around the small flickering flames of the bonfire.

 The noise was a dull roar compared to what it had been when they had first arrived on the ground, the excitement of being free from the Ark had quickly worn off once they realised they weren’t alone down here. 

*yn* sat propped up against the trunk of a tree as she silently observed the rest of the delinquents and made sure that no one started causing too much of a ruckus. 

Her eyes darted across the camp to Bellamy and she quickly realised that he wasn’t acting like himself. She watched him as he hurriedly walked from tent to tent and frantically ripped open the flaps before shoving them closed again in frustration. 

Something was definitely wrong.

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A Rose by Any Other Name

The snow fell in soft petals over the imposing gray castle, an eternal winter that was becoming more comfortable by the day. Sheltered beneath a worn, shingled roof sat two figures, one vastly larger than the other. To a very distant observer, it would have looked like two young people who were courting. But the truth was far more fantastical.

Belle pushed the snow with the tip of her brown leather boot, listening with rapt pleasure as the deep baritone voice beside her resonated throughout her body. Beast sat close to her on the stone bench inside the gazebo reciting Hamlet, his hulking frame radiating pleasant warmth in the small space “This to thine own self be true-”

“What is your name?” Belle interrupted. As much as she wanted to continue the play, this question had been nesting in her head for some time.

Beast’s sapphire blue eyes tore themselves from the tome in his lap to stare at her, “What?”

“Well,” Belle continued, shrugging her shoulders beneath her cloak, “it doesn’t feel proper to call you ‘Beast’ when that isn’t you’re name. It’s rather rude really.”

“Hmpf,” he looked thoughtful beside her, “To be quite honest, I haven’t heard my true name in a very long time. The servants always refer to me as master. I suppose one just gets used to titles.”

“Well,” Belle grinned, “shall we play a game then?”

“Oh?” Half of the Beasts mouth quirked up into a smirk, “And what game would that be?”

“I will try and guess your name.”

The Beast barked out a laugh. Had Belle not been around him for this long already, the loud sound would have been startling. For a moment, it seemed as though he would refuse, but he only focused his stunningly blue eyes to her brown and said quite seriously, “I could just tell you, you know.”

Belle waved a hand flippantly at him, “Please, where is the fun in that? Shall I start now? No hints!”

He chuckled, “Alright, alright. No hints.”

She leaned forward, seeming to inspect his face. Her proximity was startling. Deep in his powerful chest, Beast could feel his heart picking up a wild tattoo; dear heavens she smelled nice. Like tea and vanilla.

Belle snapped her fingers, “Your name is Jeàn!”

Beast snorted, “Not even close.”

“Hm,” Belle’s dark eyebrow raised, “Raul then.”

“Are you mad? My father was a terrible man, but not that terrible.”

“Leon.”

“I may have a tail now, but I certainly didn’t have one at birth.”

“Paul.”

“Certainly not.”

“Albert.”

The Beast made a gagging noise.

“Oh dear,” Belle laughed, “I think I may have lied and could possibly need a hint.”

How could such a slip of a girl lift his spirits so high? He loved how her voice sounded like chimes. “Oh come now,” The Beast insisted, edging closer to her, “try again. I promised no helping.”

Sighing, Belle looked skyward. After a moment of silence she said, “You are certainly not a Francois, nor are you a Louis. No, I believe you have a strong name. Like all of the literary heroes.”

“You give me far to much credit.” The Beast rumbled.

Belle nudged his arm with her shoulder. She was so small compared to him, so seemingly fragile. He took great care to stay still, pleased when she settled against him, “I feel like you give yourself to little credit,” she insisted, “perhaps you are in fact named Lancelot.”

“Only if you are Guinevere.” He said softly. The Beast had believed he’d spoken quietly enough for her to miss it, but the way she stiffened against him caused him mild panic, “I-I am so sorry. That was out of line, that would insinuate-”

“It’s alright,” she murmured, smiling up at him, “that is a lovely compliment.”

The Beast cleared his throat, looking out across the frozen lake, “Well, my name is not Lancelot either. Do you have anymore guesses?”

Belle looked thoughtfully at him again before saying, “Let me think on it a bit. Will you keep reading?”

The book in his lap opened to the page they had left off on, and The Beast began reading again, as he could refuse her nothing.

-

After a time, he paused and glanced down at her, “Have anymore guesses?”

Belle sighed, stretching her legs out straight in front of her, “I’m afraid to keep guessing. It’s more difficult than I thought it would be.”

“May I give a hint?”

“Please.”

“My name is a little unconventional.”

Belle’s brown eyes lit with interest, “Go on!”

The Beast chuckled, “It is only four letters.”

The wheels in her mind were turning, what on earth could it be?

“Any guesses now?”

After about a minute it was obvious she was becoming frustrated, “I feel quite silly,” Belle admitted finally, “I wanted to be able to guess, but I truly have no idea. I feel like any name I say simply would not suit you!”

Shaking his head, Beast rumbled, “Belle, any name you call me I would answer too.”

He noticed her cheeks tinged pink at that, “I’ve been living in your home and I don’t even know your birth name.” She said, “It makes me feel quite awful. I run through any name and they fall flat compared to you. I always felt like my name was misgiven, so I would feel simply awful to-”

The Beast felt the hair at the nape of his neck bristle, “What do you mean your name was misgiven?”

“I mean,” Belle looked gestured at herself, “look at me. I’m a simple girl from a village where I am called odd at best. I have no fancy clothes or home, I have freckles and eyes are brown. I am thinner than most girls. My boots are always muddy and my hands have callouses. My hair is always a mess so I have to keep it tied back. I am certainly not fair or considered beautiful by society’s standards.”

The Beast shook his head, trying to quell the anger surging through him. What kind of a backwards hovel was this village she came from? “Belle,” he said, voice low and deep like thunder, “your name is pale in comparison to you, so in that way, yes, it does not suit you. There is no name in anyone’s language that could perfectly describe how truly beautiful you are. You are NOT odd. It is not that illiterate sty’s business to call your brilliance odd; I can guarantee that you are more educated than any teacher at the school. You have no time to fuss with fancy garments as you are busy with things that are meaningful to you, and all they would do anyway is cover you up until you are no longer visible.”

She smiled at that, so Beast kept going, “Your freckles are like constellations, I can see the night sky written upon your cheeks and your eyes are the color of earth; those bring me back home and ground me when I feel like floating away. You are built like a nymph, ready to run and fly away in search of adventure at a moments notice. Your boots are muddy because you take care of chores those stuck up cows in the village are afraid to take on themselves, and your hands,”

Felling bold, The Beast reached for her, looking at her first for permission. Belle nodded, offering her hands to him. He held them carefully, bringing them closer to his face. After a moments scrutinizing, he murmured, “Not a callous in sight. They are soft and fair, like silk.” He ran his thumbs across her palms, taking care to not scratch her, “these are the hands of a brilliant mind, the hands of a scholar, of an inventor, and a beautiful woman. And you’re hair,” he released one of her hands, she letting it fall into her lap as The Beast ran the back of his paw down the side of her face, “it is wild yes, but it very much reminds me of you. Even tied back pieces of it refuse to be tamed. That is one of my favorite things about you. You are a lovely looking woman, Belle. Not just the outside, which, to be quite honest is very striking. But it is what is inside that counts the most. Which is why ‘winged cupid is painted blind.’ I think your name falls flat to be honest. But it shall do until I can think of something worthy enough of you.”

His paw was still against her cheek, now cupping it and her dark eyes were burning into his, “Will you please tell me your name?” Belle asked, voice wavering.

The Beast swallowed, then leaned forward, lips almost touching her ear,

“Adam.” He whispered.

Pulling back, he was surprised to see her still looking at him, expression very warm.

“It suits you,” She smiled, “Adam.”

Oh, merciful heaven.

Belle suddenly looked concerned, “Are you alright? You look like you have been wounded.”

Adam swallowed the lump in his throat, before managing to say, “Yes, yes I just have not heard that name in a very long time.”

“Would you mind very much if I called you that when we are together?”

“I would be honored.” He said seriously, watching with pleasure as the constellations of her cheeks leaned into his palm for the briefest of moments, before pulling away. “Come Adam, will you continue reading to me, or shall I take a turn?”

Unable to speak anymore, He handed the book in his lap into Belle’s waiting hands. She began to read out loud, her voice sounding very much like the music of chimes and Adam daydreamed of stars.

-

A little different from what I normally write… but I hope you liked it nonetheless ❤️

Buried (Stony AU)(Preview)

**This will be my next fic after Frost. I have several requests for a Stony, and I sort of love this idea?? Still a few weeks out, so I DO NOT HAVE A TAG LIST, don’t ask because I don’t remember lol. I just wanted to give you guys a hint at what’s coming next, especially those of you who aren’t reading Frost!

Non powered AU: Steve is a former soldier, Tony is just rich and smart, not MCU level rich/brilliant. I honestly just wanted to write something Indiana Jonesy so here it is lol there will be close to fifteen chapters if not more to this story.
*********************

At nineteen years old, Tony Stark was dropped at a Stark Industries archeological dig site in South America so he can “learn a little about the world” and “gain some perspective”.

The first day there, Tony ruined his $200 shoes, his favorite pants and broke his sunglasses, and was ready to call his dad and demand to go home. But then former soldier-turned-archaeologist Steve Rogers stepped up and teased him about being a “spoiled brat” while smiling in a way that made Tony melt right into the ground, and Tony decided to stay.

That first awkward meeting turned into a summer full of flirty looks, stolen kisses, and teasing touches and Tony falls in love. By the end of the summer he is ready to give Steve everything, but when he is gone on a supply run, Steve packs up and leaves for a bigger dig site in China, leaving a short message about “something better coming up” and he hopes Tony will understand why he left.

Fast forward ten years and Tony has taken over the company after his parents death, only dates brunettes and redheads, and hasn’t thought about archeological sites or archeologists for years. And then he stumbles across the file for the old dig site, which is still being funded by Stark Industries. He hops on a plane, determined to visit the camp and shut it down once and for all, but is shocked  to discover that what had been a boring dig uncovering a village had grown into the discovery of a temple with gold and gemstone lined artifacts being found every day.

A team of mercenaries were hired to protect the staff from bandits trying to steal the gold, and when Tony demands to meet the commander of the team, he comes face to face with Steve Rogers all over again– except Steve is bearded and bigger and way more dangerous than he used to be, and Tony hates how much he likes it.

When the camp comes under attack, Steve jumps into action, snatching Tony and running away into the jungle to try to escape and they end up just trying to stay alive as they work their way towards a safe airfield.

Long days trying to survive and longer nights alone brings back all those old feelings, and Steve finds himself trying to coax Tony into getting closer even as Tony tries his hardest to keep himself away.

As they try to get farther from the bandits, they get closer and closer to something real between them, and Steve takes a risk, asks the man he never stopped loving to stay, to give them another chance.

Will Tony say yes? Or after all these years is his heart buried too far for the soldier-turned- archaeologist-turned-mercenary to find it?
**********************

I feel like its the right time to bring this back.

Weekly Brallie Post: The Subtle Hug

This hug is long overdue and it was so subtle that a lot of people missed it. The thing that makes this sentiment so important is what came right after. Brandon who was once again shamed for his feelings for Callie bit back with a resolution of his own. He made it clear that his mom New that he was no longer going to keep his distance from Callie because he misses having his best friend. Both Brandon and Callie have been starved for each other’s understanding and affection. It’s important to remember that before they were lovers they were friends and ultimately that friendship will be the key to bringing back those deep feelings for one another. Stef may actually have something to worry about, but it won’t be because Brandon is some sort of predator who is waiting to swoop in on Callie, but because they are two young adults who can’t run away from their equally strong feelings forever. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again Brandon was never at fault for Brallie, Callie is a big girl and she follows her heart. It’s no surprise that it will lead back to Brandon.

Let It Go

Author: Mikala
Characters: I wrote this with Dean Winchester x Reader in mind, so that’s where it’s going on the masterlist; but I only used he and she pronouns, so really it could be any male character x any female character! 
Word Count: 650+
Warnings: I made myself sad while writing this. 
Author’s Note: Song fic!! Based on Let It Go by James Bay. This is a re-post from my old SPN blog. 

Summary: They fall apart. They let go. 
(gif not mine) 

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past life regression experience.

If you’d like to skip past me talking about my own experience and try it out for yourself, here is the link to the video I used.

so what exactly is a past life regression and how did I stumble upon it?

a past life regression is simply looking back at your “past life” through the aid of hypnosis. we can’t know how we were in our past lives through being conscious so hypnotism suggests you can tap into your “past” through this method. whether or not you believe in it is up to you.

*IN NO WAY AM I QUALIFIED TO BE RECOMMENDING HYPNOSIS OR ANYTHING, I AM JUST SHARING MY MERE EXPERIENCE*

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Yousana

My favorite thing about their development is just how realistic it feels. It brings me back to all the times I have gone through that with a crush or with a boyfriend. The excitement, the smile that could numb my face all day long, the butterflies, the playful and flirty messages… I have not felt those butterflies in a while, but watching these two brings those feelings back again. It’s amazing.

Winter of Discontent series by @soldierofhalla17

Rey and Kylo have been married for two years; they’re the perfect picture of wedded bliss. They met three years ago, when Rey’s life was falling apart and Kylo’s was finally getting back together. However, things are about to turn about for both of them - Rey has an audition date in three months - and Kylo has just received the one piece of news he prayed he never would.

Aesthetic by reylorobyn2011

Thoughts: Just last year I had gone through several surgeries after being diagnosed with cancer, and I went through a bit of a depression, which wasn’t helped by the fact that I had lost my grandpa to cancer earlier this year. I read these fics already and boy it made me cry kinda bringing some of those feelings back, but I felt really good afterwards and I think that’s really important in a fic. –Admin

To Be a Burden

This might be a touch more on the personal than I’m normally want to write, but I’m gonna do it. So here goes.

One of the strengths of Wynonna Earp is the cast and crew’s ability to make the specific universal. They never lose sight of the very specific circumstances and context of their narrative and yet still always manage to find that emotional core that viewers can connect with in their own lives. I’ve never been pregnant, but I felt like I knew those feeling Wynonna expressed at the end of episode 6. My older brother isn’t a bad ass demon hunter (that I know of) but I knew exactly what Waverly meant when she said she just wanted to “go all Wynonna” for once.

It’s been really interesting for me watching Waverly keep her secret that she might not be an Earp from Wynonna and at times has facilitated some self-reflection about my own experiences. I think both Dominique and Emily have said that part of the reason Waverly kept this secret from Wynonna was that she didn’t want to add to everything her sister was dealing with. Waverly knows how devastating it would be for Wynonna if she wasn’t ok and felt guilty. That was a feeling I understood immediately.

Ok, here comes the more personal part. Right before I turned 9 I was diagnosed with Leukemia and spent three years getting treatment. Generally speaking my treatment all went pretty smoothly, particularly compared to some of the other kids I met with cancer who had to get bone marrow transplants, deal with far more permanent complications, or who relapsed and were facing more aggressive treatments the second time around. But it was obviously still hard, emotionally and physically. I could write pages on having my body betray me and confronting mortality when I was still too young to really understand it, the anger at not being able to keep up with my peers and missing out on a lot of normal kid stuff, the arguments I had with them about whether I was a “girl or a boy” because of the side effects of the medication, or the distrust sown when you find out people aren’t who they seemed to be (and conversely, the gratitude when you see who has your back). But as hard as all that was, I think it was harder on my parents. They never told me at the time about their stress, their fear, or what they were going through at all really. Later, when I was older, I found out about some of the stuff they had to deal with, like hospitals, managing doctor’s appointments, bills and insurance companies, balancing work, etc. But at the time that was all kept from me and they tried to protect me. But kids are perceptive. I picked up on it almost from the beginning and internalized it. It’s not their fault, they did everything right. It’s just not something you can hide for three years. I saw what was unspoken and started to develop an almost irrational aversion to being a burden on others (which is of course not to suggest that anyone actually saw me as a burden, just that I felt like one). I kept things to myself even if it was doing emotional or physical damage for as long as I possibly could. All this culminated in a third-degree burn on my arm because rather than tell people the medicine I was getting was hurting me I just endured it until I saw part of my arm was purple. You would think after something like that, I’d have learned my lesson. But, while I have processed most feelings I have about being sick, to this day it is a constant battle with myself to ask for help when I need it. I still have the scar from that burn and use it to remind myself to ask for what I need but it’s never easy for me. It’s somehow still a source of shame that I have to name and work through before whatever I need help with becomes the equivalent of a full blown third-degree burn crisis. I do my best and I think I’ve gotten better at it even if I’m not always successful.

And that brings us back to Waverly’s story. Every time this season when Waverly’s secret started to make its way to the surface with Wynonna it was like a shot in the heart. Everytime Waverly deflected, changed the subject, or looked away I felt that pang of shame in my chest that brought me back to that hospital room where 12 year old me was panicking because my arm felt like it was on fire but who didn’t want to cause trouble for anyone. I felt her burden getting heavier and the emotional cost getting larger in those fleeting moments where she was forced to think about her secret. I wondered if she had the same questions about her worthiness that I had. Am I worth the emotional distress I’m causing? Will my family be mad at me for putting them through this? What if I ask for help and they see I’m not as brave as they thought I was, or worse what if they blame themselves for what I’m going through and feel the same thing I’m feeling. All of those feelings passed through me with every flicker of emotion on Waverly’s face. I knew that part of what Waverly was feeling so completely. But I also knew the feeling from episode 7 where something causes a break, in Waverly’s case Wynonna talking about her baby being and Earp & Auntie Waverly, and that resolve you’ve kept up completely fails you. Despite yourself, you let your secret struggle out and there’s no going back. Watching Dom shake her head as the tears started coming you could see her fighting and making one last attempt to hold it back, but of course to no avail. I know the catharsis of that moment but I also know the terror. As quick as that last scene went I think maybe there was no scarier moment for me in this season than when Waverly finally broke.

I want to be clear, I am in a good place with everything I went through as a kid. 25 years is a long time to be able to reflect on something like that, 25 years I’m very grateful for because I know they weren’t a given. I’ve long since realized that with all the negative impacts of being sick, some of the things I pride myself most on came from that experience as well. To lament the bad would be to discount the good. Everyone has struggles they deal with their whole lives, this is just one of mine. Truth be told, today I am more proud than scared of being able to talk about this thing that some times makes me feel vulnerable. But I’m also still amazed at how a small flash of a character’s eyes or a tone in their voice can speak to all those feelings and bring them back with such vividness. I’m excited to see what feelings I connect to now that the secret is out. What ways I will relate to Waverly or empathize with Wynonna? What new emotional depths with this show explore and what experiences will I draw on while I watch. So, cheers to good storytelling that helps you reflect and that helps you articulate your own ordinary, but in truth, extraordinary story. Don’t let anyone ever tell you they don’t matter.