bringing in the grub

A Little Too Late Part 8

Title: A Little Too Late Part 8

Pairing: Gabriel x Reader

Characters: Balthazar, Gabriel, Castiel, Sam, Dean

Word Count: 1,484

Warnings: slight injury?, angst, and fluff (I think)

A/N: Well here’s something to cheer you up if you have the election day blues <3 I hope you all enjoy this! Feedback is welcomed and appreciated <3

Series Masterlist

You busied yourself as you cleaned your rings.  You didn’t want to believe what you were hearing.  You didn’t want to think that this was possible.  How could it be possible?  You focused on your rings.  You knew they were watching you.  They wanted to see your reaction, but you didn’t want to show them.  You faced away from them.

Your door opened, Sam and Dean entering.  You turned around, your eyes widening at the sight of the box in their hands.  “What the fuck,” you breathed.  You rushed up to Sam, snatching the box from his hands.  “Did you guys go back to my house,” you asked, your voice raising.

“[Y/N], we didn’t have much of a choice,” Sam tried to reason.  “We had to find out if there was anything they knew.”

“Oh they know,” Balthazar cut in.  “[Y/N] didn’t.”

“What’s in the box,” Dean sang, amusement in his tone.

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To Create

Author’s Note: I originally posted this three years ago on AO3, but seeing as how we got a tiny glimpse of Cophine and a baby, I figured I’d repost it here for those interested ;)




“So… boy or girl?”

From the second they’d walked in the door, Alison had been all over them, taking their bags and coats and hanging them in the closet. She damn near dragged the dreadlocked woman over to the couch in the living room as the blonde followed closely behind, trying her hardest to contain her laughter. Her smirk was met by a death glare from behind cat-eyed frames.

“We’re not really sure,” Cosima replies, trying to hide her discomfort as Alison buzzes around her, fluffing pillows and pulling the footrest closer so that short legs can reach it.

“We decided that we want to wait,” Delphine chimes in, taking a seat next to Cosima on the couch.

“Oh, that’s so exciting! I don’t know if I’d have the restraint. I’d want to know right away, so I could start decorating the nursery,” Alison replies. “How about you? Have you started buying things for the baby?”

Keep reading

Seijou Headcanons

(im bored, tired, and my Karasuno headcanons got a lot of love so how about the Seijou beans)

  • Lit group chat
    • AKA Makki and Mattsun sending memes, Oikawa sending selfies n stupid shit, and the rest of them having random conversations
  • Watari hoards water bottles literally the team cleaned out his bag and counted 36 water bottles
  • Makki and Mattsun blare dubstep in the locker rooms much to everyone’s protestations (MAINLY YAHABA AND KINDAICHI)
  • Makki is the only third year who can drive and he drives a sedan so the whole team (9 PEOPLE) fit themselves into 5 seats and drive to the gas station at least once a week to get snacks/slushies (PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS)
  • Oikawa once chucked a volleyball across the gym and told Kyoutani “fetch!”
    • It only happened once because Kyoutani slapped him (Iwaizumi just laughed his ass off)
  • The team once did a month long prank on Kindaichi trying to convince him that the storage room was haunted and it ended after he almost shit his pants after they set up a projector with a ghost playing and locked him in the storage closet
  • Out of everyone on the team Kunimi has the biggest appetite and it took everyone a few months to realize that their food that had been disappearing from their bags was from Kunimi taking it
  • Cards Against Humanity is what happens in the locker rooms whenever they’re free
    • Yahaba may or may not be the best at it
  • Iwaizumi can chug a water bottle in 4 seconds
  • Yahaba was once late to practice because he found 3 abandoned baby ducks aND HAD TO SAVE THE CHILDREN
    • They became the team’s pets for a day until the coaches called a wildlife center and they had to deliver them there
    • Lots of tears
  • Third year sleepovers happen like every weekend and it mainly consists of them playing video games, having water-gun fights and playing truth or dare
  • They’re banned from having piggy-back ride races because… because
    • Iwaizumi carrying Oikawa, Mattsun carrying Makki, Yahaba carrying Watari, and Kindaichi carrying Kunimi
    • Kindaichi tripped first and the two got bloody noses, then Yahaba tripped and he and Watari got their legs and arms tangled together (IT TOOK SO LONG TO FIGURE OUT WHO’S LEG WAS WHO’S), and then Mattsun and Makki shoved Oikawa off of Iwaizumi and a screaming Oikawa brought Iwaizumi down
  • Kyoutani’s deodorant is the best tbh
  • Oikawa gets pantsed… a lot
  • When they shower Iwaizumi just shakes his head and then his hair’s dry and then there’s Oikawa who like applies 20 different products, blow-dries his hair, and brushes it out
  • Watari hates thunderstorms and whenever there is one the team hides in the locker room with him and they just hang out
    • Their coach thinks it’s ridiculous but doesn’t really care
  • Yahaba bakes the best cookies and brings them for the team and they’re gone in like .2 seconds
  • Kindaichi makes the best funny faces and everyone on the team has an album on their phones for it
  • Once a month the team has their “Monthly Grub Day” and bring in food… Yahaba handles the cookies, Makki brings creampuffs, Mattsun brings soda, Iwaizumi brings chips, Oikawa brings more chips, Watari brings pretzels, Kyoutani brings fruit snacks (YES), Kindaichi brings candy, and Kunimi brings apples (they try to be healthy)
  • All the third years are pretty popular like Makki and Mattsun get along with everyone and they’re hilarious, the girls obviously love Oikawa and all the guys like Iwaizumi
  • Kyoutani once tried to stay late to practice and Oikawa went to talk to him; Iwaizumi thought he was gonna say he would join him and was about to beat his ass but then Oikawa invited Kyoutani to hang out with him instead and it was the sweetest thing ever okay
    • Iwaizumi joined them and the three played mariokart the whole time
  • The whole team sits together during lunch and are usually the loudest ones in the cafeteria
  • Snapchat dominates theirs lives it’s so bad like from when they wake up, go to bed, and even in the middle of the night they send each other stuff
    • Makki and Mattsun use the face filters all the time
  • Oikawa once had a bad hair day and was upset about it so the rest of the team messed up their hair and everyone thought it was something they planned on purpose
  • Yahaba draws on himself in pen and often on Watari buT WILL WRITE INAPPROPRIATE SHIT WITH SHARPIE SO DURING PRACTICE THEY'L SEE “suck my ass” ON WATARI’S ARMS AND STUFF
  • Oikawa, Yahaba, and Kindaichi are the only ones who wear their uniforms correctly
  • Kunimi five stars everyone when they least expect it aND MAKES IT SEEM LIKE SOMEONE ELSE DID IT
  • Iwaizumi lost a bet once and had to wear bunny ears all day at school once… It was amazing
  • Watari is the team’s gum dealer he actually has like 30 packs of gum on him at all times
  • Kindaichi has 0 sense of direction and got lost and separated from the group during a jog and they spent all of their practice time looking for him
    • They found him eating at a fast food restaurant bc the workers felt bad for him and gave him food
  • Kyoutani has the best shoes and Oikawa is so jealous about it tbh he has a ton of cool sneakers and converse
  • Makki and Mattsun started the “seijou sprint” their second year, where all the second and third years (who want to participate) go to the farthest wing of the school and wait for the minute-bell to ring, then they sprint to class before they’re tardy
    • Oikawa almost got trampled and now the volleyball team no longer participates in it (IT STILL HAPPENS THOUGH)

agentsokka  asked:

Ushers in tons of brownies because yES VERY GOOD HEADCANONS Vrisrezi ones in particular made me giggle especially omg. Hmm what else. What movies would Rosemary watch? And what pets would they all have?

Yay!  Praise and brownies!! Yes!

Okay, so Rose and Kanaya’s movie collection consists of a lot classic monster movies, B-horror, and a few romcoms they stole from Dave and Karkat’s place for good measure.  They’ve also watched a couple of those psychological movies where you can’t tell if what’s going on is because of something supernatural or if it’s all in the protagonist’s head (they make bets about which it’s going to turn out being at the end, loser has to give the other a backrub).

As for pets: Rose would definitely want a cat again.  It takes awhile for Kanaya to get used to the cat, and she’s a little nervous about how the cat’s going to react to the grubs when she brings them home with her sometimes.  The cat ends up really liking the grubs, he doesn’t hurt them at all and sleeps near them and purrs to calm them down when they’re upset.  Kanaya even saw the cat try to groom one of them once.  It was cute.  Kanaya ends up loving the cat a lot, though she does have a hard time untangling the yarn once the cat’s done playing with it.
Karkat ends up with a whole aquarium full of crabs.  He doesn’t even mean to, he just ends up acquiring a bunch of crabs because that’s what everybody on Earth C associated him with and one time someone took a picture of him smiling with a crab, so now whenever people go over to talk to The Troll King they bring a crab to win his favor.  Karkat thinks it’s really stupid, but he appreciates the effort and usually accepts the crab, thus proving the rumor going around the kingdom true.  Dave had his fill with birds after all the stuff with Davesprite, so he doesn’t even try to keep crows on the roof.  That doesn’t stop them from coming to him, though, and he does feed them when they do.  He lied, he actually still loves crows, he just doesn’t want to admit it.
When it comes to Vriska and Terezi, I really don’t think they’re the type to keep pets. Having a pet is a big responsibility, and they’re not sure if dragging a pet along with them everywhere they go is a good idea, since they barely spend any time at home.  They’ve definitely talked about it and decided if they ever did get any pets it would probably be a snake or some kind of really kick ass reptile.  Either way, it would be way cooler than everybody else’s pets, that much they know for sure.

                     
  Jake comes over to visit; one of the grubs decides to investigate (read: stow away in) his backpack. He doesn’t even realize until he gets home and the bag starts chirping at him. He’s actually mostly okay with that, but he still messages Dave to let him know he’s accidentally kidnapped the grub and he’ll be bringing them back tomorrow. (Dave’s fine with that so long as the grub gets fed and sleeps somewhere safe. Jake doesn’t realize that means up on the bed until the grub won’t stop screeching indignantly over their nest on the floor and he has to text Karkat to ask what the bloody fuck he’s doing wrong.) By the time he brings the grub back they REALLY don’t want to leave, though, and the only way he can forestall a complete meltdown is a promise to come back soon. The end result of this is the visits being an almost daily thing, and eventually both Karkat and Dave tell Jake that he’s been adopted and yes, he can take the grub home so long as he brings them over to interact with all their siblings every day or two.
 Karkat doesn’t understand why Dave laughs so hard he can’t breathe when Jake’s grub pupates. Yeah they’ve got a weird way of talking but it’s not that funny, is it? Dave can’t manage to explain the humor of a troll kid having a very apparent, fairly fake British accent.

Demon!Dean Request

Hi! I was wondering if you could write a fanfic where it was an alternate universe in which dean was a evil demon and he is the head of a evil demon cult? he is really intrigued with this women he meets and shes a hunter and hes trying to track her down? she meets sam in this universe who is trying to keep her away from demon dean? somehow the reader has fallen into this universe and she is trying to get back to her own reality? also dean x reader?


You were in the middle of a hunt when a bolt of lightning thrusted you into darkness. You woke up in the same field you had just been in confused and alone. “Sam, Dean,” you called into the dark woods that surrounded you, “where are you guys.” They didn’t reply. You automatically jumped to the worst conclusion, thinking that they must have gotten hurt, or worse. You jogged back to the car and saw it was gone. “Son of a bitch.” After walking an hour and a half you got back to the small town you planned on staying in. “Excuse me,” you asked the man at the front desk of the small motel, “I’m looking for my friends. Two guys, brothers, an old black Impala?”

“Sorry, no one like that has passed through here.”

An annoyed and pissed look took over your face. “Can I get a room for one then?” You passed him your card.

“Sure,” he handed you a key. “Room 4.”

“Thanks.” You walked to your room and slammed the door shut. You grabbed the phone off the nightstand and furiously dialed Sam’s number.

“Hello,” Sam’s voice sounded confused as he picked up.

“Sam, where in the hell are you and Dean?!” You couldn’t help but yell through the phone.

“Um, who is this?”

“Seriously? It’s me, Y/N! The girl you and your dumbass brother just left in the middle of a field in the woods in the middle of a hunt! Where are you guys?”

“Y/N,” he sounded really confused. “I don’t know an Y/N….”

“Sam, I got hit by lightning, I got stranded and had to walk almost two hours to a cheap motel, and all my stuff was in the car. I am not up to play this game with you.”

“You got hit by lightning?” It’s like something clicked, “Ok, Y/N, where are you?” You gave him the town’s name and the motel and room you were in. “Ok, I’ll leave now and be there tomorrow morning.” After a quick shower you got in the lumpy bed and fell asleep quickly.

You woke up as the sun rose and got dressed in the clothes from last night. You paced and waited to hear the sound of the Impala pull in front of your room. Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Grabbing your gun and looking through the peephole you saw it was Sam. “Sam, finally,” you opened the door, “I didn’t hear the Impala,” you looked around the lot in front of your room and saw a newer Charger. “Where’d you get that thing?”

“…I’ve had it for the last 6 months,” he told you and cautiously stepped in looking around the room.

“So, let’s get to the point. Why the hell did you two idiots leave me last night?”

“Y/N,” he spoke unsurely and you nodded edging him to continue. “I don’t know what happened to you last night but we’ve never met.”

“Is this still some joke?”

“No. How’d you know my number?”

“Because I have your and Dean’s memorized. All of them. What are you talking about?”

“You said you got hit by lightning, right?” You nodded. “I think I have a feeling about what happened to you.”

“I know what happened to me. You two left me in a hunt last night.”

“I think you were sent here,” Sam met your gaze.

“I wasn’t sent here I walked here.”

“No, I mean, to this…dimension. It happened with me and my brother Dean once,” he started to tell you.

“I know,” you interrupted him. “You were sent to a place where you two were actors playing yourselves in a show. You told me.” He looked at you like there was no way you could know that. You started spouting off facts about him and his brother that only close friends would know- that’s what got him to believe you. “Who, or what, would send me here. And why?”

“I don’t know, Y/N,” he put his head in his hands thinking it all over.

“Where’s Dean in this universe,” you asked and knew right away that something was wrong by the looked that crossed Sam’s face. “What is it Sam?”

“He’s not Dean anymore. Not here.”

“What do you mean?”

“He’s a demon. A big one. Large and in charge of this demon cult he got set up. All in all bad news, Y/N.” You fought the force in your knees that almost sent you to the ground. “What is it, Y/N,” Sam asked once he saw you unordinary reaction.

“In the other world,” you told Sam, “I’m Dean’s fiancee,” you lifted your left hand and showed off the ring that was on your finger.

“Is that…”Sam looked at the ring.

You nodded, “Your mother’s.”

“I’m sorry, Y/N.”

“We’ll figure it out, Sam. Why don’t you get some sleep since you drove all night. I’m going to make a supply run and get some grub. I’ll bring you back the usual.” He was about to ask how you knew his usual but then he remembered.

“Thanks. And, here,” he tossed you his keys.

******

You sat at the diner looking at the breakfast that had just been sat in front of you. You decided to start with the eggs first. Finishing the plate of eggs you sensed a pair of eyes on you. Ignoring it you started on the potatoes. You had your mouth stuffed full of potatoes when a figure came and stood by your table. “Mind if I sit here,” the voice made you blood run cold. You looked up and saw Dean in front of you. Swallowing the mound of food you nodded, “Sure.”

Thousands of thoughts went through your head. How should you play this off. Do you tell him you know him? Did you keep it a secret? What should you do?
“I’m Dean. What’s your name?” He went to take a piece of your bacon but you quickly slapped his hand. “Feisty, I’m surprised.”

“I’m Ali. And, I am when it comes to food. How can I help you Dean?”

“Couldn’t help but notice you were with my brother this morning.” You pretended not to know who he meant. “Sam Winchester.”

“Ah, Sam, yes. You are the infamous Dean Winchester then.”

“Guilty. What’s a beautiful woman doing with my geek brother?”

“I had a hunt last night. He came to meet me this morning.”

“A hunt. Weird, because I know every monster that’s near this area and there aren’t any near by.”

“Because I killed them…”

“Right,” he looked amused.

“I better get going,” you throw some money on the table and grabbed the bacon in your hand. “Nice to meet you, Dean.”

“We’ll be seeing each other again, Y/N. Don’t worry,” his eyes flashed black for a minute. You ran back to the room, pushing Sam’s car to the limit, and threw open the door.

“Sam, wake up,” you yelled as the door hit the wall.

“What,” he said grabbing his gun.

“I just met your Dean. He seemed…interested. Something tells me he’ll be coming for us soon; we gotta’ get going. Oh, this is for you,” you threw the bacon at him. “Don’t worry I have snacks in the car.”

You two loaded everything up and hit the road in Sam’s ride. “Y/N,” he told you as you drove down the road, “if Dean has his eyes on you he won’t stop. We need to get you back to your world.”

You fiddles with the diamond on your finger, “I know, Sam. I know.”

Random Dragon Age: Inquisition headcanon -

(A brief conversation)

Morrigan: ‘Tis time we talked about your birds.

Leliana: Oh?

Morrigan: In particular, that large one with the tufted tail.

Leliana: Baron Plucky?

Morrigan: Yes. The one with the ridiculous name. He is seeking to mate with me.

Leliana: …what?

Morrigan: Surely you know what birds do? He dances around me like a fool, brings me all manner of vile grubs, and has even dared to nip at my wings.

Leliana: *stifled laughter* Perhaps if you would use the door instead of the window when visiting…

Morrigan: *glares* I choose the most expedient means of travel. I thought you might prefer that.

Leliana: Are you saying that you move at my beck and call?

Morrigan: You are deflecting.

Leliana: I am offering suggestions.

Morrigan: Well, I suggest that you find him a more… suitable companion so that I am no longer tempted to fricassee him with a lightning bolt.

Leliana: You’d think with all he has seen in this room, he would recognize your unavailability.

Morrigan: *scoffs* Perhaps I am incredibly alluring in my raven form.

Leliana: You are rather sleek and magnificent.

Morrigan: *wryly* Should I preen now?

Leliana: Are you going to fluff your feathers?

Morrigan: Are you trying to ruffle them?

Leliana: I suppose I could feed you out of my hand.

Morrigan: There are other things you could do with that hand…

Leliana: Oh, do tell.

Morrigan: *a throaty laugh* Why don’t you first cover the cage of that damnable flirtatious buzzard lest he get any more ideas.

Leliana: We’ll just corrupt him by what he hears then?

Morrigan: Oh how far the Chantry sister has fallen…

Yellow eyes - Dean Imagine.

Request - “Can you make an imagine where y/n is dating Dean, but him and Sam went on a hunt without her, so she stayed at home alone. When all of a sudden the lights started flickering and the yellow-eyed demon appeared? Then y/n is on the ceiling about to die when Dean and Sam barge in and shoot him? And after that, Dean makes sure y/n is okay and fluff?”

**********************************************************

“Do I have to stay here? I’d rather come with you guys.” You whine at the brothers.

They were ready to leave to fix the vengeful spirit problem in the nearby library, and you were being left behind at the motel.

“Yes you have to stay; it’s a small hunt that won’t take long.” Sam said as he walked out of the motel, waving his hand behind him.

“We’ll be a few hours; I’ll bring back some grub.” Dean flashed you a small smile, placing a chaste kiss on your forehead before exiting the motel.

You let out an elongated sigh, unsure of what to do. You hated being left alone, especially when you had to stay in cramped motel rooms that smelled of fast food and beer.

You threw yourself onto the bed, turning on the TV to search for something good to watch. You ended up watching re-runs of Dr Sexy MD, a guilty pleasure of yours; it was a good way if you wanted to kill time. 2 hours had passed, your eyes still fixed on the screen which started to turn to static. Getting out of the bed, you hit the TV multiple times, a string of mumbled cursing passing your lips.

The static didn’t clear and the dim light emitting from the lampshade above started to flicker. Instincts kicking in, you ran to the cupboard in the small makeshift kitchen, grabbing the bag of salt and drawing lines across the window sill, by the door and then a ring of salt to trap you from any harm.

Every light in the room began to erratically flicker, clutching the iron rod firmly in your hand; you braced yourself for whatever would appear. You used your free hand to fish your phone out of your pocket, dialling Dean’s number.

The phone rang and rang until you got Deans Voicemail.

“Dean if you get this please come back, something’s here and I don’t know what it is, I think I’m okay for now but hurry back please, salt and iron can only-“ You couldn’t finish what you were going to say, your grip loosened and the phone fell to the floor.

“What a surprise to see you here.” A low unfamiliar voice cut off the flickering lights, a man stood in front of you who you had never met before, but something caught your attention, something that made your heart drop. Yellow eyes.

The brothers told you about their father, how he was obsessed with hunting the demon that killed their mother and Sam’s girlfriend. There were many nights when you and your boyfriend, Dean, would sit awake at night and the very rare moments that Dean would open up to you. You remembered him telling you about when he was a kid, how he had to grow up being a hunter, his encounters with yellow eyes and when John sold his soul to the demon to save the older Winchesters life. You could never forget this information, but you couldn’t fathom why he was here.

“What do you want?” Your voice came out shaken, making you wince at your inability to be confident.

“You.” His smile grew wide, cutting at his cheeks. He raised a hand causing a gust of wind to blow through the motel and break the salt circle.

You tried to scream but it was almost like your vocal chords had been cut off. Your back slammed against the wall, a feeling of weightlessness consuming you as the yellow eyed demons hand continued to rise, dragging your body up towards the ceiling.

Soon you were pinned completely on the ceiling, the bed just below you. You saw droplets of blood drop and splatter as it hit the blankets, you tried to move but you were completely helpless. You shut your eyes tightly shut, awaiting the next torture, you’ve heard the stories many times to not know what happens next but to your dismay, nothing happened. Keeping your eyes shut, your hearing shot up, the sound of the motels door cracking from a forceful kick and a single gunshot.

The bullet leaving the chamber rang through your head, bouncing off the motel walls. The feeling of being helpless was lifted away and your body fell towards the ground, bouncing a few times as you hit the bed. Black abyss covered your vision and mind as you slipped into unconsciousness.

******************************************************

“Is she going to be okay?” Reality began to pool through, your senses picking up that familiar voice you loved so much.

“She should be okay, were hoping she will wake up soon.”

Taking an unbearable amount of energy, you managed to pry open your heavy lids, blinking a few times to clear the blur. Dean sat beside you, both of his hands clasping your small hand.

“(YN)?” He shot out of his chair, brushing a few strands of your hair away.

“Dean,” Your voice was groggy with sleep and the words scratched at your throat.

“Are you okay, baby? I thought I lost you.” He leaned down to whisper in your ear, placing a kiss on your cheek.

You ignored his question. “Did you kill him?”

“Yeah, yeah we did. It’s all over now.” Dean traced small circles on your limp arms, resting his forehead on yours, giving you random little kisses.

“Good, son of a bitch nearly killed me.” You let out a croaky giggle.

“I was so scared, I thought I lost you. I’ve lost so many people to him; I couldn’t stand to lose you too.” You could hear the pain in his voice, so you cupped his face in your hands, bringing him into a kiss that lasted longer, long enough for you to spill all your love for him into that kiss.

“I love you, Dean.” You said as you pulled away to catch your breath.

“I love you too, more than you’ll ever know.” He flashed a small smile, squeezing your hand tightly.

************************************************************

Sorry it took so long, its short but I hope you like it :) 

- Icarus 

@askaipiggyhara Chel approached Haru and Tom asking to take their daughter May for a 2 month internship working at her palace. “I heard she’s acing her cooking classes and I was thinking about hiring her on seeing how much people…talk about her. If she’s good enough for my standards, I’ll gladly hire her before sophomore year! If not, it’s a learning experience everyone will benefit from regardless. So, deal?” She extended her round hand for a handshake. “We’re all proud fatties here, I think we could bring plenty more grub for all of us!”

Originally posted by roadtoeldorado

Today, I fucked up... by feeling better after calling in sick

So I woke up around 6am feeling hungover as fuck, with a side order of dizziness. This is strange because I hadn’t drank in months and I drink enough water everyday to hydrate California for a decade. It certainly was not dehydration. So I get out of bed for my epic morning piss and I get that feeling that my stomach contents are working their way back up to the entrance. So, I hug the toilet for a few minutes before completely and violently emptying my tummy tum. All the senses were maxed out on the VomBomb that was erupting out of my face-hole. Sight: Vomit. Smell: Vomit. Taste: Vomit. Feels: Vomit? Whatever was happening in my guttywuts, it just wanted out. Should I call my mom? 8 pound, 6 ounce newborn infant Jesus, save me.

This is when I decided that I’m NOT going to work today. Fuck that. I call up one of my managers, the one that I report to directly. I told him that if I was feeling better I would come in. I really hate taking sick days, because there is nobody to fill in for me if I’m gone, and I’m pretty busy every day. So as such, I haven’t taken a sick day in a very long time. He wishes me well and tells me to feel better. Thanks bruh, you mah dawg. So I chill out at the toilet for a few more minutes and then head back to bed.

I wake up a few hours later and feel slightly better. I can stand, my face isn’t green, and my stomach isn’t trying to forcibly exit my body. Good! So I eat a single piece of bread and drink some water and wait… Nothing came back up. Sweet! Back to bed! 2 hours later, I wake up again, this time feeling like a new man. A million bucks. Strong enough to beat the world. It’s around 11:30am and I figure it’s time to go to work. But first, let’s get some real food into me. I’ll go snag some grub, bring it back home, let it settle in my tumtum so I know I’m good to go, then head in to work. Perfect.

So I’m trying to decide what to eat and then BAM! There’s this amaaaaazing chip truck on the other side of town that I haven’t had in years… I’m well overdue for a visit. Best poutine in the city. Fuck yes. It’s go time. So I make my way down there and I drool all over my beard, shirt, pants, steering wheel, etc and I’m stoked for this. I order a bacon poutine. Fuck yes. I’m shooting the shit with the folks inside because they are the nicest people ever, and the girl gives me my receipt and says “You’ll be order number 80.” Perfect, I’ll start sipping my Dr. Pepper and wait. On my way to the end of the queue I hear “Order number 80, huh?” In a very familiar voice…

It’s my fucking general manager. The underboss. The only guy above him is the owner of the company. And he’s looking at me with a big shit eating grin on face as if to say “Busted.” I realize how this looks, and my heart sinks in my chest. He asks “What are you doing here?” and I explain my situation and he just shakes his head with that smirk on his face. He doesn’t believe me. He tells me that he was at the hardware store across the street and he saw me all the way from the parking lot. That’s not that hard to believe, I’m 6'3" with a big beard and tattoos and a love for all things snapback. You can spot me in a crowd. Then we part ways and about 20 minutes later I start getting a bunch of texts from coworkers saying “Order #80? BUSSSTED” and “hahahahaha playing hooky huh?”

The poutine settled well, but I was far too embarrassed to go straight back to work. I eventually did, and did an entire shift on my own. To this day, people still don’t believe I was actually sick.

by vroflraptor

Check out more TIFUs: Internet`s best fuck ups are here.

anonymous asked:

Female Lusus Equivalent, where do trolls come from?

Trolls hatch from eggs laid by the Mother Grub. Adult trolls fill filial buckets with their reproductive fluids and the Imperial Drones bring these fluids to the Mother Grub. She combines the fluids all into one incestuous slurry and lays thousands of eggs at once. They hatch and appear as small caterpillars with heads but later pupate into a humanoid.