bring your own beard

Men, are you worried that modern masculinity is in decline? Do you often find yourself harassed by bears on the way to your graphic-design job, powerless to defend yourself against them? Then you should listen to The New York Times and start packing a pocketknife, a tool they call a symbol of “ruggedness and lone-wolf competence” which you’ll primarily use to open packages from Amazon.

Within this gem of an article, the Times explains that trend-setting pocketknife owners are “office-bound urban men [who] have adopted the accoutrements of their free-range rural brethren,” because they have never met a concept they couldn’t over-explain by molesting a thesaurus.

Thank goodness an entire generation has rediscovered how knives are used. Keep reading for the Times’ scintillating coverage of how washing machines are a huge improvement over beating your clothes with rocks. Also, we should be clear that, because this is The New York Times, these aren’t just regular pocketknives we’re talking about, like some poor person might own. These are designer knives. Like the Sebenza 21, which will set you back a cool 350 bucks, plus an extra $195 if you want the blade made of Damascus steel (compared to the exactly as functional $30 pocketknife from Walmart, but you have to supply your own pretentiousness).

Which brings us to beards.

6 Underreported Reasons Why The NY Times Totally Sucks